Exhausted and need some insight

[GreenTea]

Hi! I need some insight. Last night I was laying out workout clothes for the gym this morning. My DH went to our dresser, held up one of his T-shirts and insisted that I wear it since it was specifically designed for working out. I thanked him for the offer and told him that I'll just stick with what I had already laid out. Wrong thing to say! Up to this point, in the 2 hours that I had been home, everything had been fine.

Him: I'm not saying that my shirt is better, but I don't know why you insist on wearing yours. It's cotton and will stink. He then proceeds to list 3 reasons why his shirt is better than mine (even using the word better).

Me: (very even toned) Thank you, hit__,  for offering your shirt, but I'm confused. Is there something wrong with my shirt that I don't know about?

Him: FINE! I'm trying to help you, and you can't even accept a loving act from your husband. I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on! Don't bother asking me to help you! There's no reason to go ballistic on me and bite my head off! I'm done talking! Just forget I said ANYTHING! This conversation is OVER!

These are about the extent of any of our conversations anymore. It's so sad. I am 100% certain that I did not go ballistic on him because I carefully monitor my tone of voice when speaking with him. Should I have responded differently? Should I have just taken his shirt to avoid a tantrum? 

I'm a grown woman totally capable of making my own decisions, especially with what I should and shouldn't wear (which is a trigger for him lately: for example, wearing a jacket instead of a winter coat, etc. I'm then lectured for the duration of our time outside about how well prepared he always is, and he hopes that I'm warm enough.) Is their need for control that strong?

So with BPD, is it that their self-esteem is so incredibly low that if someone has an opinion or a thought that doesn't synch with their own, they can't handle it? Therefore they feel rejected and have a need to lash out because that's how they "feel?"

[healingmyheart]

Green Tea,

Good for you for standing your ground!  I wish I had been as strong when dealing with my ex.  This was an issue for us as well.  He was constantly telling me what to wear.  If I put on shoes he didn't like, he'd pull out another and tell me that they go better.  If he thought the shirt wasn't appropriate for an event, he'd tell me to change and wear something else.  Sadly, I allowed this to happen and I was losing my self esteem in the process.  I always thought I had good fashion sense and truly I do... .   all my friends tell me how stylish and pulled together I am.  It was just a control thing with my ex I think.  I had even narrowed my wardrobe down to the "acceptable" clothes that I knew he'd like and that's pretty much all I wore.  

Now that my ex is gone, it feels good to go in the closet and pull out whatever I want to wear without being judged or criticized.  

By allowing him to control me in this manner, I was losing myself and my self confidence.  Personally, I think you are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns and stating your case that you are quite capable of picking out your own clothes.  

In my case, I truly felt it was a control thing.  He was and still is very narcissistic and looks were very important to him.  He wanted me to look a certain way and by controlling what I wore he was in control and could have that superficial look he was going for.  Just my two cents worth.

[snowmanstephan]

I do not know your whole life story.

My wife is like this also... . In my situation I would handle it as if I were speaking with a child... . Thank you, What a great idea I will take it with me.

choose your battles. eggshell egos are easily cracked.

[Louise7777]

Hi GreenTea!

Im sorry to see your situation. I wonder why minor things have to become a dispute!

You said "I carefully monitor my tone of voice when speaking with him."

I find this very sad. The famous "walking on eggshells". I ask myself what kind of relationships we have with BPDs, when we have to be careful about everything!

Answering your question: I think you behaved very carefully, I dont see anything wrong at all. Giving in and doing what he wanted would be a mistake, once you start doing that you´ll see no end in the most pathetic demands... .   Im no expert, but I believe giving in is not  a solution (unless u decide to become a doormat).

Wish u luck! 

[Clearmind]

This same thing happened to me only it was a hand bag. GreenTea he is attempting to control and you did well in standing your ground.

I don’t see any issues with the way you responded accept using a question back – this leaves a hook.

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique - D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

[GreenTea]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Clearmind, I will study DEARMAN a bit more. It seems a bit like I-messages which I can use with ease.

At this point, I am truly clueless as to how to communicate effectively with him. Tonight was another blowup/rage for about 2 hours. He's trying to "be a good dad and husband," so this morning out of the blue he gave me three choices as to where could go for some family time. I chose one of the places and asked him when he'd like to go (since leaving on time, whether it's dependent on a time schedule or not, is extremely important to him). He told me, and I let him know that our 5D and I will be ready to go by then. She was a bit fussy about all the walking that it would require (she was absolutely fine once we left) and then was a bit fussy (complaining, not a tantrum) about how hungry she was despite breakfast being cleaned up. I told her to get dressed and pick up her room, and she can have a snack before we left. My DH did not agree with that at all, and told her no on the snack, she already had breakfast, and that snacks were a special privilege, we only eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Of course, that threw her for a loop because I already said that she could have one (a box of raisins) once she was dressed and her room was clean. To make a long story short, she got her snack, we went on our outing, and I thought we all had a good time.

Right... .  so fast forward to this evening. He was making dinner as he usually does and burnt the bacon. That through him into a rage which turned into how nobody helps him (I offered, but he doesn't want anyone in the kitchen when he's cooking), and how he's trying to be a good husband and father and all he gets is blame and tantrums. His day was ruined because she was fussy "all morning long." (aside from the 2 fussy/complaining episodes, this is not true, but I would never say that!)

Here is my problem. When he goes off like that, I usually go to another room with our D. If there is swearing of any kind or he's badmouthing me or her, I close the door. I have told him repeatedly that I will not engage in conversation when either one of us are upset. This makes him mad. He will come into the room and continue and tell me that I'm ignoring him and I'm teaching my daughter to do the same thing. Well, yes, I'm trying not to listen to it. I tell him when we're (he and I) both calm, I will be more than happy to talk to him about any issue.

Am I doing the right thing by leaving the room he's in and not responding? It's not that I'm ignoring HIM, but I don't know how to respond to the irrational rants. It doesn't help to say anything anyway. My words will and almost always are twisted and thrown back at me.

[lockedout]

Me: (very even toned) Thank you, hit__,  for offering your shirt, but I'm confused. Is there something wrong with my shirt that I don't know about?

Him: FINE! I'm trying to help you, and you can't even accept a loving act from your husband. I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on! Don't bother asking me to help you! There's no reason to go ballistic on me and bite my head off! I'm done talking! Just forget I said ANYTHING! This conversation is OVER!

Classic projection. She would swear a lot and call me m-fer, etc. Later she would be accusing me of doing the name calling. When I asked her what names I called her and when... .  I was in real trouble. I don't call people names. Try this: make  serious effort not to do any name calling, yelling or swearing. Try not to even show irritation. He will still go off on you. He will also still be accusing you of going off on him.