Update

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We had our court date yesterday. Tough one.  I was granted occupancy of the house so I can now change the locks. The OOP was extended, the same warning one.  They did not grant the stay away order.  I spoke with my counselor and she told me it sounds like they are giving him another chance because of it being an isolated incident.  We put in for the supervised visits.  That got denied immediately.  He will have the kids every other weekend and one night for an hour and 45 minutes.  He also denied the incident that occured.  My counselor said that is normal.  He wrote he never touched my hand. This is so incorrect.   I stopped to think about what happened, was I wrong?  Today I know I was right and to continue to be strong.  I met with another physican today and he said it is clear that I have a substantial injury with my wrist.  I will probably have to go for surgery or PT, depending on how it heals.

So my L said it seems like he doesn't even want the kids. He was going back and forth about times and days.  I told her exactly - that's how he is.  She said let's see how this goes. 

He is asking if I would sign a receipt that I received $502 for two weeks of child care.  I need to confirm that amount but is this okay to do?

Does anyone have suggestions on how to get through these weekends?  This is going to be a change. 

[Mind]

We had our court date yesterday. Tough one.  I was granted occupancy of the house so I can now change the locks. The OOP was extended, the same warning one.  They did not grant the stay away order.  I spoke with my counselor and she told me it sounds like they are giving him another chance because of it being an isolated incident.  We put in for the supervised visits.  That got denied immediately.  He will have the kids every other weekend and one night for an hour and 45 minutes.  He also denied the incident that occured.  My counselor said that is normal.  He wrote he never touched my hand. This is so incorrect.   I stopped to think about what happened, was I wrong?  Today I know I was right and to continue to be strong.  I met with another physican today and he said it is clear that I have a substantial injury with my wrist.  I will probably have to go for surgery or PT, depending on how it heals.

So my L said it seems like he doesn't even want the kids. He was going back and forth about times and days.  I told her exactly - that's how he is.  She said let's see how this goes. 

He is asking if I would sign a receipt that I received $502 for two weeks of child care.  I need to confirm that amount but is this okay to do?

Does anyone have suggestions on how to get through these weekends?  This is going to be a change. 

[momtara]

Yeah, my husband went back and forth about times, etc. too... .   he has filed to get primary custody of the kids though.  Even though he can barely take care of them.  BPD husbands will do anything to maintain power or at least save face... .   they may not even have control over it.  In his mind, he loves the kids, but in reality, he doesn't do anything to help them.  So don't expect the behavior to always be sane.  Anyway, I have been told by several therapists and lawyers that my husband probably won't hurt the kids if he never has done anything physical to them before.

Sounds like you got a win if you got him out of the house and he has alternate weekends.  He may not even always take them during his prescribed times.

[Mind]

True.  I think it might be a good arrangement for the kids.  If a plan wasn't set they said he would move back in the house.  Maybe it won't seem as bad as I get used to it. I just have a hard time with him taking care of them.  He cared less all the times before.   I am also concerned about his temper and anger, and the hurtful things he's said to them and what he did to me in front of them.  It seemed like none of that mattered and that is hard when we've all been through so much.  I guess time will tell. 

[mamachelle]

Sparkle13,

This sounds to me like a pretty good deal at this point.

I definitely would make sure you have exchanges in public places like mcdonald's or he picks up and drops off from school and daycare.

It's been a while for me, but I do remember feeling like I had room to breathe on those weekends off from kids and exBPDH. I was able to clean my apartment, see friends, order what I wanted for dinner.

My exBPDH started cutting his time fairly soon, even before the ink was dry on any visitation. He worked a lot and was out of town a lot and was living with friends at first, so he didn't even want them overnight. I know your situation is different.

I'm sure others will have advice to add.

 

mamachelle

[momtara]

I don't know all the background, but that's terrible if he did anything to or in front of the kids.  I've learned that courts are pretty liberal with visitation with dads, though.  I've heard of drug addicts getting unsupervised time.  Kind of ridiculous.  Did you have any proof of what happened?

Still, you did get a win.  Every other weekend is ok.  And hey, sometimes you get a break.

[livednlearned]

Every other weekend is pretty typical and hard to avoid, especially in the beginning. But the fact that he does not get a mid-week overnight says a lot. My schedule was similar (worked out in mediation) and she considered it a huge win -- often Ls look at visitation in terms of percentages over a two-week period. If your kids only spend two nights with him every other week, you have been given the favorable outcome.

The next phase is, like you said, learning to adjust to the change. I worried a lot about S11 while he was at his dad's. Be prepared for the kids to have some challenging weekends. You'll have some newfound breathing space, and tho it's hard to stop worrying about the kids, you'll at least have some time to take care of yourself. Make sure you do that! Because this stuff is going to go on for a long time and taking care of yourself is an essential skill. No joke. And the parental alienation stuff is going to start too. Get a head start on it if you can by reading Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison and Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids (I think I keep saying this, sorry for repeating!). Those two books plus Power of Validation helped me keep S11 grounded in reality. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to S11 during our marriage, and then he seemed to swing way over to idealization of S11, which is probably the lesser of two evils for a young kid, but still very confusing. Counseling seems to be helping him a lot, if you can get that for your kids -- great.

And like Mamachelle, I find myself battling N/BPDx in court, but when it actually comes to spending time with S11 (despite asking for more time), N/BPDx often reschedules to have less time with S11. Maybe it will be the same for your case?

[Mind]

Thanks for the book recommendation lnl. Wow - that makes me feel better that I've been given the favorable outcome. This has been very difficult. This is day 1 and he already tried changing up the time for pickup. I wonder how summer will be handled with him off.

Mom- he has been verbal to my oldest. He once told her to pack her bags and leave. I told him to stop it and he said he's teaching her a lesson. What parent says that? He's a public educator! Then the incident that led me to file the OoP. That was done in front of the kids. He claims he didn't do it. My DV counselor said that is so common. I started to doubt myself but I know better!

[ForeverDad]

In my case I twice lived under temp orders - first when we separated and second after I filed for divorce.  Both times my then-spouse sought to block my parental contact.  Both times the magistrate saw nothing wrong with me, in fact the first time the CPS investigator stood up and said they had "no concerns".  My county's published standard guideline schedule was alternate weekends plus an overnight in between.  However, both times the magistrate ordered that I get alternate weekends and only a three hour evening in between.  I lived with that from Nov 2005 until the final decree in Mar 2008, with a 3 month period in early 2006 when there were no orders and she totally blocked all father-child contact, that blocking was my belated trigger to file for divorce.

So what your H got is fairly standard.  Yes, the court is working from the assumption that if he hasn't abused the children in the past, then he probably won't now.  Yes, court could be wrong.  Yes he could neglect them and that is considered abuse if substantial but unless it happens the court won't see an issue.

However, the change now is that you will no longer be there to (1) be his Whipping Boy or convenient Target and (2) you won't be there to referee between him and the children when he acts out.  There is a risk that without you around he may default to targeting them, but he will still have you to focus one, though distant and protected to a certain extent by court orders.  How large that risk, time will tell.  Hopefully it will be more of neglect than abuse.

Odds are he will never get more time than what he has now (temp orders often morph into permanent ones) and he will gradually slip into a pattern of reduced parenting, how reduced, well, only time will tell.

The good thing is that you have some stability in your life now via court order, your temp order is pretty much like we expected, that you would get majority time and official possession of the home.  It would have been better for him to have gotten some consequences for hurting you but you already knew that was going to be iffy.

Stick to the order as closely as possible.  You may feel you ought to be reasonable or nice, he may try to say you're unreasonable and try to guilt you, but he will use your sense of reasonableness and seeking peace to keep pushing your boundaries and sideline the order as well.  Yes, there will be times to adjust the specifics now and then, but keep it to a minimum and as limited exceptions or else he may feel entitled to stomp all over the order.  (And you being nice and allowing him more time would weaken your prior attempts to keep his time reduced.)

The only general exception is if he wants you to keep the children more.  That's okay of course.

Him wanting you to sign something that he paid for child care in recent weeks, put him off, "I'll have to ask the lawyer."  Let your lawyer be the Bad Guy/Gal.  It's his/her job to do some interference now and then, especially now early in the divorce process.  I'd let your lawyer decide.  Sometimes child support obligations are backdated to have begun when the divorce was filed.  He probably is trying to reduce what he owes you.  Is he trying to wriggle out of paying retroactive child support?  However, be aware that most courts view payments to the other spouse/parent as "gifts" if made outside the court ordered child support or reimbursement of expenses framework.

[whirlpoollife]

Sparkle13, it will be really hard at first. If you have family close by then hang out with them. (I have no family near :'( me  )Paint rooms in the house, rearrange the furniture helps.

Make sure you eat as you won't be cooking like when the kids are there. Go out even just to walk around the stores. 

My x2b has kids three three day weekends and two 3hr visits every other week.  so your times are really good.   He calls constantly when kids are with me. So see whats in the order for calls/texting. Be specific.    He is always late for pick up, especially on the weekend. So find out how late your  x2b can be and if it goes over a certain time does he forfeit his visit.

Six months into it for me, it will get easier but expect some rough times emotionally. And tell yourself, its better to be alone than with him when you hit those lonely days.

[MammaMia]

Sparkle

Is your H still living with his parents?  How are the children doing? I know your youngest is 2 and probably does not realize what is happening, and I bet your older child is asking questions

already.  That is hard.

I am sorry the DV people were not able to do more to help you.  However, he is now on their radar.  That is a good thing.

Don't worry... .   when things calm down and you have some free time, you will find all kinds of neat things to do.  Sometimes, it is fun to just do nothing!  Working moms are so programmed to be busy all the time, and feel so guilty about anything they do for themselves.   They often have to actually be TAUGHT to relax.  Strange but true.

You have made huge strides in keeping your babies and yourself safe.  Keep up the good work.

[Mind]

M - Yes, his residence is with his parents but he calls it 'his' house, so I'm thinking eventually they will move out and that will be his house.  The kids are doing okay.  My oldest seemed to have fun. My youngest was very tired when she got home and it took her awhile to settle down. I can tell she was out of sorts with what is going on. He brought them home 20 minutes early yesterday.

One thing, he seemed much more civil to me. He told me he wants to come over to go through his tools.  There are tools that I am fine with if he takes. He said he'd leave me some basic tools.  What is the procedure for this? Is this okay? I asked him to text me the tools he wants.  Then he walked away and said something about me texting him the tools I want.  It sounds like he is willing to work with me on this.  He also is leaving me the lawn mower, generator and snow plow. I don't fully trust this niceness, and I am very much still on alert with him.  Child support was also awarded last week, so he started paying that.   I signed the receipt and it was for the correct amount.

It was a change not having the kids around. I have been so used to doing everything and being with them all of the time, outside of work. But I feel this may actually be a good situation. 

It's so true what ForeverDad said, I am no longer his target 24/7 and I am no longer a referee in dealing with behavior with the kids and him at the same time, trying to figure out how I can fix and change things.  Putting all of my energy into him.  I've even noticed I'm much calmer and not as nervous. I wish I was able to get the stay away order, but you are right, he is now on record with the several sources in case of future episodes.  I feel I made good choices with everything and it shows him I am very serious.

W - That is very true. It is much better to be alone than with him.  I lived in fear and my poor body was pretty much in shock all of the time trying to live in the same house with this man.

All in all, it ended up being a good weekend.  I tried to keep busy.  It was strange at times and very quiet, but okay.  I am glad that I have a plan in place for the kids, so he won't be coming over anytime or threatening to take the kids away from me. 

[ForeverDad]

I haven't seen it mentioned lately, but I recall reading that sometimes pwBPD do okay in the military.  Probably it's because it's a regimented life with real rules.  Well, look what's happened to your life.  There is now a parenting schedule.  Set by family court.  A real authority.  Which authority or respect you did not have from him for a very long time.  So he may do better now that he has to abide by some rules set minimally by family court.  Let's hope so, but stay vigilant, the boundaries will be pushed and tested.