|
momtara
|
 |
« on: April 19, 2013, 05:23:39 PM » |
|
I am going thru a divorce with my husband now, but he still says he loves me and sometimes it's nice to see him. Of course, I also get that nervous feeling deep in my stomach when I get an email from him, wondering if it'll be something nice, or something worried, angry, etc. He started recently trying to say our kids should switch schools, based on some fear he has. These are the kinds of things that make me not want to co-parent with him anymore. In the past, I could usually walk on egg shells just right to calm these sorts of fears, but it took a lot of emotional energy.
My husband does not cheat, isn't physically abusive and doesn't do drugs or alcohol. Compared to some on this site, he is pretty high funcitoning. He also can be very affectionate and sweet. The big thing he does is get angry and nervous for a few days straight. Then he calms down. Still, his reactions to things are not normal. He has ordered me around, been controlling, etc., until the raging/dark period ends. Then he's affectionate again.
Before I met him, I met a lot of men who just weren't that affectionate and huggy. I like that about him.
Now, he wants me back. I took care of him a lot, as well as our two kids. Life was good for him in our house, so of course he doesn't want a divorce. He also says he loves me.
My big question is... . once the divorce is real... . and especially once he no longer tells me he loves me and he starts to date again, will I be able to handle it?
I think deep inside, I have a fantasy that he'll get the right therapy over a few years and we'll date again someday.
I have struggled with whether to call off the divorce, but the idea of living with him again, every day, and worrying every day about how to avoid triggering his fears, anxieties, etc... . I just can't do it. Sure, we could get a separation for a few years, but it's not fair to ask him to be out of the house and largely out of our lives in hopes that maybe I will feel better eventually. And I don't think a short separation (even a year) will be enough for me. I think it will take years for him to work on his issues.
It is very hard for me to know whether the therapy he is getting will really change him enough. It's therapy for ocd, not BPD. He is only on anti-depressants, nothing for the delusions he sometimes has (haven't even gotten into that).
I am just kind of needy myself, I guess, and I don't like the idea of divorce in general. I have young kids and it'd make sense for their dad to be here and for us to do things together. None of my mom-friends are divorced, and I can't even imagine saying the words 'ex husband.'
But I'll be honest: I have been pretty happy lately. I feel like I can breathe. But I also still have him around occasionally, so it's kind of not realistic. I am having my cake and eating it too. He's out of the house, I can do what I want, and occasionally he comes back, and we're still emailing occasionally. (Largely about the divorce, but he's still in my life and I can still say he's my husband.)
But would anyone feel like they can breathe if they are alone after being with someone for years?
I guess I am wondering if I'll get the divorce and say, "Oh, I made a mistake!"
I think what it is, is that I want the good parts of him back. I don't want to be in a situation where I always have to worry about aggravating him. I also am in a good spot now because he's legally out of the house. If he comes back and ever tries to get custody of the kids, I lose my advantage.
Sorry for all the yammering. I am just trying to sort things out. I think the bottom line is that I need to face that I'm getting divorced and that means my marriage is over... . not partly over. I just wish I knew how I would feel, and if I will feel regrets. Of cousre, I may only remember the good times and not the bad, and I have to try to remember the bad too.
It comes down to this: I can't live with him. right now.
|
