Just ended my relationship with a sociopath/narcissist

[sosodestroyed]

I am in pieces... .   this was 12 years of my life, two children with this man and my life is in ruins right now. Not from this country, more of what isolated because of his controlling, manipulating way and left holding the bag. Build a business together with him, he is making money and I trying to figure out where to go from here... .   so so so destroyed!

[catnap]

   sosodestroyed

I am so glad you found us!  I am so sorry that your life is in turmoil at this moment. 

Your subject suggests that you have separated.  If you could please share a bit more information about what your concerns are, we can hep you more effectively. 

I look forward to hearing more of your story.

catnap

[sosodestroyed]

hi,

We have had a very difficult relationship to begin with, thinking that maybe he was narcisstic. Pretty much isolated in contacts, we have a business together and I had to work with him there. Tried to be on my own a couple times in the job field but somehow he always knew how to get me back into the business. in 2011 we briefly separated because of domestic violence, he had hit my son. He got arrested, it got downplayed in the court to battery and he was ordered anger management and parenting classes. He has never disclosed to me that he had a 3yr unsupervised probation. I had to visit my gravely ill mother in Europe and stayed for two weeks. When I got back my 9 yr old daugther told me she had to do a lewd valiscious act with dad and I reported to the authorities. He got arrested, and bailed out... .  

He is back in the business paying for his bail and I am left hi and dry with nothing but bills to pay and no job... .   he was the sole provider... .  

[Swampy]

I know this doesn't help... .   but there are many of us out here who have "fallen thru the cracks" and are in desperate times, due to others' personality disorders.  I don't know what I'd do it I had children dependent on my to provide.  I pray you find help and i pray for the welfare of your little ones.  God bless.

[Grey Kitty]

sosodestroyed, let me give you another big

You will find some good support here. Here most of us are dealing with a person (diagnosed or not) with BPD. Many also have NPD or a mix of both... . Here is a start for you to read about them both.

What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

Has your partner been diagnosed by a professional with BPD, NPD, or any other mental disorder?

I'd like to ask a couple more questions so we can better help you out here:

Are you (and your children) living with him now?

Is your housing situation safe and secure?

Are you currently (or previously) married to him?

How long have you been separated?

Do you feel like you or your children are at risk of physical or sexual abuse from him now?

Do you have friends or family you can count on for support?

I'm wishing you peace in difficult times.

GK

[sosodestroyed]

sosodestroyed, let me give you another big


Has your partner been diagnosed by a professional with BPD, NPD, or any other mental disorder?

I had asked his family (his dad that he has not contact with) to answer this question for me since his brother had mentioned an incident when he was 16 yrs old. The dad told me through email that he was removed from the home at that time because there was sexual abuse with two toddlers (his stepsisters at the time) and that he as labeled a sociopath.

I'd like to ask a couple more questions so we can better help you out here:

Are you (and your children) living with him now?

No we are not living with him anymore, the authorities have arrested him and he is currently out on bail and living somewhere else

Is your housing situation safe and secure?

I have put extra locks on the door, those with those chains that you can open the door slightly to see who is there and alarms on the doors

Are you currently (or previously) married to him?

I am currently married and we would have been 12 years in June

How long have you been separated?

7 days with no contact, have a restraining order in place and filed another one

Do you feel like you or your children are at risk of physical or sexual abuse from him now?

if we would be together yes, but that is not the case

Do you have friends or family you can count on for support?

all family and friends are outside the country, I have a very few friends that live here, my mom that I that I had to take care off in Holland when it happened has taken a turn for the worse with this news, she is on the Intensive Care and we have the feeling that this might have been the nail to her coffin... .  


I'm wishing you peace in difficult times.

GK

[Suzn]

Glad to see you back.    I'm also glad to hear you are safe.

What are your plans for your marriage sosodestroyed? Have you looked into state assistance or spoken with an attorney regarding your financial situation?

[sosodestroyed]

Glad to see you back.    I'm also glad to hear you are safe.

What are your plans for your marriage sosodestroyed? Have you looked into state assistance or spoken with an attorney regarding your financial situation?

Right now they said I was not an emergency, although I need to pay rent next week and a car that needs to be re-registered again. I started working a part-time job yesterday that will give me 15 hrs a week, but that is not going to be enough to support myself and my kids... .   I have an appointment on the second of May to apply for whatever I may qualify for... .  

I would like to get an divorce, but I can not pay the consultation fee that they are asking right  now, $180 for an half hour... .  

I am going to call the crisis center again and see if they somehow can point me into a direction that I get one that is maybe paid for by the state? no clue how that works here, in my country you get one for free if you can not pay for it yourself... .   its paid by the government.

Today my daughter has a special interview that has to bring out what he did to her... .   we still have records of an arrest he had in 2011 for domestic violence that he has probation for currently (he never disclosed that to me).

The DA witness assistance program is going to pick up the tab for counseling they said, will have to ask what else they can help me with.

7 days no contact... .   feeling a little stronger today after being totally floored this weekend... .  

[Matt]

How old are the kids now?

How are they doing?

I think you're doing the right thing by keeping your distance and having no contact with him.  If you need a restraining order, you can probably get it at no cost, by asking at the court.

The court can probably also tell you about low-cost or no-cost legal help.

[livednlearned]

Glad you found the site, sosodestroyed. I'm so sorry to hear about the trauma to your daughter, and the shock you're going through after a difficult marriage. And it must make it feel even more isolating to be from another country. Big, big hug to you 

The advice and support I found here has been priceless. It's hard when you are broke and trying to hold it together, but you'll find lots of people here who have made it through, and they're still here to help others get through this. Including you. No one here is a lawyer, but I have found the suggestions here to be among the most helpful I received throughout my own divorce from a disordered ex husband.

How is your daughter doing? Good that she is getting counseling after what she's been through.

A resource that has helped many of us here on the Family law board is Splitting by Bill Eddy -- it will help you immensely as you struggle to understand how the family court system works, as well as how a personality disorder might play out in court. If you only buy one book, this is the one. Highly recommended.

LnL

[Matt]

A resource that has helped many of us here on the Family law board is Splitting by Bill Eddy -- it will help you immensely as you struggle to understand how the family court system works, as well as how a personality disorder might play out in court. If you only buy one book, this is the one. Highly recommended.

Yes, and Eddy also has some good information on his web site, www.highconflictinstitute.com.

[sosodestroyed]

Thanks for all the suggestions, I will need it for sure I am afraid... .  

My children are 9 (daughter) and 11 (son).

Daugther had interview today with specialized social worker to take her statement about what happened. It will be in the police report that will be send off to the DA. It was just the same like she told me, I had no doubt about that. I knew the moment when she sat me down and explained to me in detail what dad had asked her to do, that she was not making it up. She does not really understand yet how damaging it will be for her. That moment will come when she get's into dating and getting serious with her boyfriend. Hopefully by that time the counseling will have done her good and she will be able to handle it.

I was a wreck today, I had cleaned my house before the interview and it kept me busy and helped me not going nutso... .  

You have to understand I was a bit worried, culture differences kept going through my mind. In my home country we are pretty liberal about sexuality (being naked, going into the shower when kids are around and that kind of stuff). Going to the beach is pretty much taking as much clothes off you can possibly think off, topless is normal... .   I was afraid that my liberal upbringing would be explained in a wrong daylight. So I had the detective informed beforehand that being liberal is my background and that I was worried about it. Thank God he understood and told me that that was really not the issue... .   phewww

I am going to ask for a copy of the police report, just to have it in hand with divorce court, together with the other police report where he had hit my son, must be cold day in hell for the future ex husband when I am asking for full custody... .   I mean it would be pretty cut and dry right?

[Lady31]

Are you in the states now?

[Lady31]

Perhaps you can get your original petition filed and request your hearing for temp orders and ask he be paying your living expenses and attorney's fees.

I just filed this morning myself.

[sosodestroyed]

Perhaps you can get your original petition filed and request your hearing for temp orders and ask he be paying your living expenses and attorney's fees.

I just filed this morning myself.

Yes I am in the states now, I am in CA.

Original petition? not sure if I am understanding this, I have filed for restraining order and full custody, we have a hearing on the 8th of next month, maybe I already did what you suggested to do? I am totally not hip with all this legal stuff

[sosodestroyed]

Ordered the book Splitting... .   have a feeling that it will be a lot of blaming and lying, using facts against me, just thinking of it starts to make me feel sick. I know I have to get through it but being from a different country, pretty much alone (still after being here for 12 yrs) and all the emotional abuse he has put me and the kids through... .   I know I am going to need it! Thanks for the heads up!

[Matt]

Ordered the book Splitting... .   have a feeling that it will be a lot of blaming and lying, using facts against me, just thinking of it starts to make me feel sick. I know I have to get through it but being from a different country, pretty much alone (still after being here for 12 yrs) and all the emotional abuse he has put me and the kids through... .   I know I am going to need it! Thanks for the heads up!

"Splitting" is a practical book.  It explains what is unique about divorcing someone with BPD (or NPD - narcissistic personality disorder), and what you can do to achieve your objectives through the legal process, and protect yourself while you go through it.

It may be good for your attorney to read it too.

You're right, going through a divorce from someone with BPD is likely to involve a lot of blaming - that's one of Eddy's main points.  "Lying" maybe too, though sometimes a person with BPD may believe what he is saying, even when it's not true.  Better to say, "Making false statements."  It's very unpleasant, but if you are prepared for it and handle it well you'll do OK.

[sosodestroyed]

I have an appointment this friday morning with a attorney, God help me pay for it, no clue on how to get this done as I make just below basic income with the little hours that I have. Future ex husband has the control over the store, that I worked in and build together with him and thus all the money.

My appointment for assistance, emergency cash, funding, food stamps and what not is not until the 2 of next month... .  :-(