Are false restraining orders common with BPD's

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is it common for BPD's to file false restraining orders?  I did not even recognize my exBPD in the courtroom during my hearing. I was shocked to see that this woman was not the needy desperate woman that kept nagging for an engagement ring. She kept pergering herself in the courtroom to make it look like I was deserving of the order. Thank God we had enough of a paper trail to get it dismissed. Her new white knight was there to watch the circus act. This was a humbling experience. Can't look now.

[swimjim]

Is it common for BPD's to file false restraining orders?  I did not even recognize my exBPD in the courtroom during my hearing. I was shocked to see that this woman was not the needy desperate woman that kept nagging for an engagement ring. She kept pergering herself in the courtroom to make it look like I was deserving of the order. Thank God we had enough of a paper trail to get it dismissed. Her new white knight was there to watch the circus act. This was a humbling experience. Can't look now.

[momtara]

Yes, it is common.  For the women anyway.  You can find instances of it all over this board. 

[marbleloser]

I don't know how common it is,but once you're painted black there's really no telling what might happen.

It depends on the person.Being untruthful,to the point of perjury and false attacks,should tell you alot about this person.

[Matt]

False accusations are very common, and I'm glad you've made it so far without damage.

Assume that there will be more false accusations - could be in the form of a restraining order, or criminal charges, or who knows what.

Be prepared to deal with them.  Consider finding a criminal defense attorney, so you are prepared - no need to give him a retainer, but if you have his phone number memorized it might come in handy.  (I was able to reach a guy I already knew on a Sunday and get help.)

Also, be prepared by knowing exactly how things work where you live.  Know whether they need evidence to arrest you or not - where I live, the accusation alone is considered "probable cause" so they make an arrest no matter what the evidence shows, if a woman accuses a man of violence.

Your best strategy is to never be where she is without a non-family adult third party present - never.  If you must communicate with her, do it through your lawyer, or by e-mail, not phone or face-to-face.  If you are never where she is, the risk of being charged with a crime is lower, and you can defend yourself against any accusations by saying, "I have not been alone with her at all - not even for a moment."

[daze]

My uBPDh from whom I am separated threatened to get a restraining order on me.  This was when he made a veiled suicide threat, which I ignored and he called to clarify for me, and I said he needed to go to the hospital.  So, apparently it's not just female pwBPD.  But then he's done several things that reminded me of a woman - which is confusing to me considering he is such a masculine man.

[cal644]

Good timing for this question for me.  The other day I get a call from my wife to pick up my daughters sweatshirt from her at her work.  When I'm just pulling into the driveway she's jumping back - I'm 25 yards away from her at this time - I thought to myself WTH?  About 20 minutes latter I get this text "do you hate me so much that you would try to run me over with your car?"  - I replied are you kidding me never in a million years would I harm you or anyone. You had to walk to my car to give me her sweatshirt... .   never in a million years would I have thought my stbex would be this crazy - but each day nothing amazes me anymore - I'm just waiting for her to try to trap me into some type of false accusation to get a restraining order.

[daze]

Swimjim,

I am so sorry this happened to you!  Aren't you glad you're out?

[swimjim]

Yes but I am in counseling. The whole hearing made me sick. I will never get over how she tried to hurt me. My ex buddy was there to offer support TO HEr.

[swimjim]

Would she had done this had I married her? I am experiencing so much guilt for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. Part of me wants to alert My ex buddy of all these borderline traits but he may not care since he is in the honeymoon phase. What do all you think?

[motherof1yearold]

YES. there was just another thread about this a day or two ago. In my case my ex was a male and threatened RO. Though alot of times on the board I see it is women threatening.

[Surrender]

For me the city put a restraining order against my ex because he was raging on me in public (middle of the afternoon). A close friend of mine also went through a devastating break up with a diagnosed BPD and she did file a false restraining order against him. She lied through her teeth to try and incriminate him, it was horrifying. Strange thing is we were both involved with our exes at the same time and would always call each other for support after every traumatic event. Consequently we called each other all the time. My ex was renowned for setting bombs... .   and coming out of nowhere with them. His ex did the same. She put him through hell literally and it cost him a lot. He is still trying to recover like I am.

[Matt]

Would she had done this had I married her? I am experiencing so much guilt for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. Part of me wants to alert My ex buddy of all these borderline traits but he may not care since he is in the honeymoon phase. What do all you think?

My wife acted mostly OK til she got pregnant, then started acting very aggressive, knowing that I wouldn't leave her and would marry her, which I did.  (She lied to me about birth control.)

Marrying someone who acts like this would be a big mistake.  Having a child with her would be an even bigger mistake.  (I made both those mistakes, of course, so I think that qualifies me to say it... .   )

About that other guy - forget it.  Get as much distance as you can.  If he reaches out to you, tell him the truth, but not til he asks.

[Pou]

I think so.  My NPD wife got me arrested by lying.  I got lucky because she was the one who hurt me with visible wound.  So she was arrested too.  She went to the police to file a restraining order with false pretense and in the end shamed my entire family.  She had no choice but to work together to get case dismissed.  I could have push harder, but according to my research, if you are a man in DV case, you are assumed guilty before you even open your mouth.  Society assumes that men are always guilty and will take words from the women as the truth over a guy's version.  I got kids and did not want to drag it more.  But until today, she constantly emails me accusations and lies about me that can easily be misinterpreted by law enforcement to get me in trouble.  We have 3 beautiful and wonderful kids and I don't understand why my wife keep creating these dangerous situations.  I told her many times if she is in love with someone else, we can work it out so she can be with him.  I have no clue why she would be so hateful and her rage is really persistent.  So from my experience is that women may tend to abuse using restraining orders just because they can.  Our system allows them to ... .   so who are we going to blame?  You got lucky and have someone taking your place.  I would move out of the state or far away and get a heck as far as I can from her... .   unless you have kids together.  Good luck and stay strong.

[swimjim]

I Keep remembering when the judge dismissed the order, she slumped over crying that she fears for her and her daughters safety. I can't get that out if My mind. My ex buddy goes to put his ARM around her to offer comfort. I can't get that out of My mind. He belheves her. This is so devastating.

[Small Medium]

They must be.  It is actually the "in" thing to do.  File false crybaby claims, playing the "physically injured" game.  Most judges see through it. 

[ForeverDad]

My ex filed two cases against me... .   and I filed two against her.   Hers were bogus, mine were valid.  In essence, they all ended up being dismissed or settled.

It got expensive for me, I had to pay my lawyer for all of that.  I have no idea how much she paid.  Fortunately, I didn't have to pay her bills.  Probably paid out of her marital equity that I paid her, so maybe I did pay them in a sense.

My lawyer, like most, said it was best to avoid having a judge make a decision, reasoning that some judges will grant a PO or RO for unsubstantiated claims of vague 'fearfulness' just in case.  We did reach a settlement on one, however, part of the settlement was that there was no "finding of fact" nor could the order be extended nor did it affect family court and our parenting.

There's nothing you can do about her posturing nor how she's conned her 'mark' - your ex-buddy.  He ought to know you better than that.  Maybe someday in a few months or years when he's been blacklisted too, he might acknowledge you were done wrong, but he wouldn't listen to you now, she's making sure of that.

But... .   as I wrote, there's nothing you can do about that.  Let Go of her and him.  Move on with your life.  If you don't move on, it'll be too easy for her or him to derail your life.  You're back on track now, don't look back (except to learn from the experience).

[swimjim]

Thank you foreverdad. There is no remorse for all the lying. She does not have have a conscience. Why I still think of her, that is why I am in counseling. Why do I crave the unhealthy, that is why I anmm paying a shrink. I am a people pleaser. I need to peel back the layers of the onion all the way back to childhood to find out why I am such an easy Target.

[nak]

Yes! RO are common. I was in shock and disbelief when it happened to me. One of her male friends called at midnight while we were in bed ( with our two kids sleeping about 4 ft away in their beds ) . I told her that if she wanted to see other people I was okay with it and that I would be willing to just take the kids and leave. I was upset with her and hit her with a pillow. I spent the next 3-4 hours drafting a parenting plan while she lay in bed next to me sleeping. At approx 5am she signed the parenting agreement giving me full custody of the kids. I was relieved and ready to move on. The next day the sheriff showed up, told me I had to leave the house and the kids with her. She had filed a RO and custody papers *hours* after signing a parenting agreement. Two weeks later she disolved the RO, asked for a marriage ring, split back into the most wonderful woman I'd ever met and canceled the custody petition!

So in two weeks she went from kicking me out of the house and out of the lives of our kids to wanting to get married!

[swimjim]

So Nak,

What is the staus now? Are you still with her? Be careful. It sounds like she is unstable which is not good for you and the kids in the long run.

[Thunderstruck]

My SO's uBPDx filed for a RO against my SO for DV on my birthday. He was with me all day, definitely no DV going on. Then she took it back the next day. Luckily it didn't have the effect she hoped for, SO didn't even find out about it until months later.

[swimjim]

I can't understand how an exBPD can devalue you so much that they go to the trouble of seeking a restraining order when they should know you (me) is no real threat to their safety. I have tried to understand borderlines and wonder if it has to do with their attachment fears. My next counseling session is Wednesday but my therapist wants to concentrate on my people pleasing traits rather than continuing to talk about my ex. THis is so frustrating how she can move on without thinking she did anything wrong. I know I have to move on but I am so frustrated.   

[ForeverDad]

"How... .   ?"  Her cognition is deeply affected, though not to the extent that she drools or talks to aliens or whatever.  Her neediness trumps all else in her perspective and perceptions.  Empathy, conscience, self examination, self-reflection, etc don't work with her as it typically would with a reasonably normal person.

Imagine you had a car with worn brakes, leaking steering fluid, low engine oil, burned out lights and bald tires, although it does run amd may even look good.  It doesn't have to go to a junkyard, it just needs a lot of crucial repairs.  If not repaired, would you be surprised when it sooner or later gets involved in an accident on a rainy or snowy day?

While vehicles often have safety standards that are enforced, society doesn't enforce similar things much.

The people institutionalized (or incarcerated for a certain length of time) are those generally unable to function at all in society.  What do you do with those who can function more or less in society, well, except for their dysfunctional close relationships (with us) which exposes their illness?

[multiball]

Oh my.  I'm in this situation as well.  Court this week.

I haven't been on the board in quite a while.

I find it 'amusing' that I come here to ask the same question and it happens to be the top post.

Sigh.

[Waddams]

My next counseling session is Wednesday but my therapist wants to concentrate on my people pleasing traits rather than continuing to talk about my ex. THis is so frustrating how she can move on without thinking she did anything wrong. I know I have to move on but I am so frustrated.

swimjim:

Just a thought, and it's basically something drawn from my own experience in with my T.

I'm a people pleaser, I think most of us non's here are.  That's how we end up with BPD's.  For me, eventually I had a moment where talking about my ex- vs. my own people pleasing traits were almost the same issue.  It came down to a codependent relationship.  My T was able to shepherd me from "how can she do this to me?" to understanding that my real issue was "how come I can't please her?  how come no matter what I do, how hard I try, no matter how much I give, it's not good enough for her?  Why am I not enough for her?"

Then it was "How can me not being enough be justification for her to lash out like this?"  Which was answered "nothing is justification for that.  Time for boundaries to protect myself."

Then it also got into "Why am I not enough?".  Then that changed quickly to "I am enough and she's disordered.  Time to change my bearings, stop trying to please everyone so much to prove I am enough, and instead start seeking friends/relationships with those that will give back to me because they already think I'm enough and worth their effort without me having to constantly prove it to them."

I understand you're hurting.  Lots of us have been right where you are at this minute emotionally.  Literally.  Let your T guide you through your healing process and things will click for you.  Then, you'll see things you haven't before and you'll be better off and ready to find better for your life.

[swimjim]

Thank you Wadas and Foreverdad. I need to get to the point in therapy where I think " I am enough" but right now I can't say it with my heart. I am still a broken record repeating the same theme. I know it gets frustrating to others but I am DETERMINED to get to the better place. I have to think about the positives, I have been sober for 5 months, exercise 7 days a week and have lost 30 pounds, and am eating healthy. Now if I can only work on what's between my ears. She is not going to get better and the ex buddy will some day be going through what I am going through right now. I sometimes catch myself fearful that she will get him to the alter. That will be painful to me if I hear of that. However, she still has not yet been successful in over 50 years to get married. I wonder why?   Maybe she knows she has BPD and that is why she is so desperate to get married before the new white knight finds out. Possible guys?

[Pou]

This is a good question and should be kept active.  This is too common and ties up our legal system and cause money, effort and reputation.