coping with the pity party waif and narc

[healinghome]

how to cope with the pity party and narcissim?

my bf is a pity party/depressive waif with periodic bouts of narcissism/entitlement.  communication is impossible unless its feeding his 'distracting' social behaviour, or complimenting him on his behaviour or achievements.  the bottom line is that I have been enduring long term health issues and would have left several years ago if I could have, and plan to as soon as I can.  but for now, as means of survival,  I need to learn how to deal with his behaviour better.  

we had an argument last night over him cleaning his mountain bike in the bedroom while leaning it against my clothes (which now stink of oil).  if I ask him not to do things like this, he kicks up and reverses the issue.  as though its me nagging him or picking on him and he gets really spiteful or ignores me.  but if I don't, I end up losing clothes etc because his behaviour and lack of consideration for anyone but himself.  so i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

in addition to this his ever changing realities are doing my brain in.  he changes the facts throughout an argument continuously.  last nights changes involved how I asked him, what I actually thought he was doing and when I refused to buy into these lies he resorted to the old line;  telling me that I'm always 'picking on' him.  I feel screwed if I do and screwed if I don't.  if I don't mention it, he destroys my property, if I do mention it he creates hell.

[Surnia]

Healinghome2

It is a hard place when N traits are involved.

I would start with not engaging in arguments at any cost. Validating his effort of bike cleaning and "it is important for me to have clean clothes". He will probably start a argument and you have to find something for distraction. Going to toilet, a phone call, feeding a cat... .  

Its important for you to know: You don't like oil on your clothes. No need to argue about it.

I know it is much easier said than done. 

[lockedout]

Who on EARTH cleans a mountain bike in a bedroom? I could understand storing it in a bedroom if you live in a small place and it's the only place where it's not blocking a hallway... .  but you don't put it there until it's clean.

The proper way to clean a mountain bike is to hose it down outside, then wipe it down. Mineral spirits (which REALLY doesn't belong in the house) gets all the gunk off. You then spray down the moving parts with a chain lubricant.

I'm sorry, but that's about as inconsiderate as it gets. He at least has a garage, driveway, parking lot, roadside, yard, vacant lot, etc, but he brings the bike straight to a place where it not only doesn't belong but damages your stuff.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but that defies all logical psychological discussion. This guy's issues may run deeper than narcissism.

[Gimme Peace]

I know it's easier said than done, but enforcing your boundaries seems to be in order when it comes to your belongings being damaged. I've experienced many similar scenarios over the years and have had my things thoughtlessly (or with an ulterior motive) destroyed, lost, broken, etc. He always had an excuse, it was never his fault if he broke or ruined something of mine.

I drew the line when he carelessly broke a special award in half (from mishandling) my disabled son had received, and said it was the coach's fault, for "making something so flimsy in the first place". It was a handmade wooden hockey stick with a special engraving from the team. No apology at all for breaking it, took no responsibility whatsoever. I didn't make a big deal then, but I never forgot that. There was no use in saying anything, he would just go into full blown dysregulation, so I let it go.

I had seen many signs over time that he didn't respect other people's stuff, but it really hit home that day. From then on I was more diligent in protecting our things and keeping him from ruining anything else through "carelessness".

[healinghome]

sorry for not replying sooner, i went nc with all foo and it took some energy!

Who on EARTH cleans a mountain bike in a bedroom? I could understand storing it in a bedroom if you live in a small place and it's the only place where it's not blocking a hallway... .  but you don't put it there until it's clean.

thank you for validating my point!  we live in a small apartment, but have a balcony, shed outside and lots of outside room.  but he chooses the bedroom? and my side of the bedroom too!  inconsiderate doesn't cover what this guy is.  i don't exist to him.  but it is making me more aware of why i was drawn to this relationship. 

I've recently been reading a book called 'trapped in the mirror'  and it states that isn't that NPD/BPD's don't love other people, they simply don't see them, making love an impossibility.  so it is a total lack of consideration for the feelings of others, due to not even being aware that they exist!  they only see their emotional projection from their unresolved issues. this was quite a cool thing to reolize, because it ment that him behaving like a dickhead wasn't my fault, even though he believes it is!

when my health has recovered somewhat, i will leave this relationship and learn from it. until then i feel that not getting into long winded explanations with him about why i don't want oil on my clothes or arguments about what a victim he is, are pointless.  i'll just walk over to the clothes and move them.  silently protecting myself and letting him know he cannot manipulate my moods anymore.

[Surnia]

until then i feel that not getting into long winded explanations with him about why i don't want oil on my clothes or arguments about what a victim he is, are pointless.  i'll just walk over to the clothes and move them.  silently protecting myself and letting him know he cannot manipulate my moods anymore.

I think this is a way to go. Not always easy. We are here for you. 

[healinghome]

thanks surnia.  he does stuff like this all the time. he ordered a 4litre bottle of oil for his car.  it was delivered today, addressed to me and never even mentioned it?  there's me thinking this massive, heavy box was an early birthday gift, only to find oil in it.  sounds pedantic to an outsider, but yet another example of how he uses me. I had to unpack it, flat pack the box and all its stuffing and recycle it.  the guys an expert at getting others to do his dirty work, and when he does have to do the work (like the mountain bike) he punishes others by ruining their stuff.  classic passive/aggressive and bitter behaviour. 

[Gimme Peace]

I can so relate, healinghome. They are masters at getting others to do their dirty work, almost like an art form.

[healinghome]

I guess we can't stop them behaving badly, but we can get wise to their behaviour and move away from it ultimately.

[Surnia]

Yep, this is often what we can do. 

Sometimes we get used to it. And sometimes we start to think: Is this the kind of rs I want for me?