Very Undecided

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everybody,

My name is "sour" and I've been with my BPDgf for almost two years. We currently attend the same college together and live in the same apartment. We've lived together for almost the entire duration of the relationship.

I'm not really sure where to start.

Somewhere near the beginning of the relationship, she made it known that she had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I wasn't too sure what that was, but I figured that I have my problems as well and we'll make it through together.

I've typically had a really rough history of relationships. My first girlfriend was emotionally unavailable, and the second had severe borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits (I believe, she was never diagnosed but the symptoms fit.) My current BPDgf is my fourth girlfriend.

I've been trying to do some research on what's been going on in our relationship, since I'm not sure who's really the problem. My second girlfriend did gaslighting until it made me doubt my sanity, and my current does the same but to a lesser extent.

I'm generally a people pleaser, with an abusive father that left my life early on. My mother has been emotionally distant and overprotective my entire life. Needless to say, I've brought all this baggage into my relationships.

My girlfriend, however, has contributed as well. I have a tendency to minimize and logic away all of the issues I might have with her behavior, but hopefully I include the important ones here.

1. She forced me into therapy. She said that she couldn't handle my issues, and she gave me an ultimatum. Either I go to therapy, or the relationship ends. Because of the 'honeymoon' period of any relationship plus the normal beginnings of a relationship with someone with BPD, I valued her thoughts and understood that my issues might be too much for her. However, I had never been to therapy before, and it was something that I had to work my way up to. I told her that I would go, but I never actually began going. Three months later, she began to think that I had lied to her when I had said that I would go, and she hasn't let me forget it ever since. Even though I put in a lot of effort once I became comfortable. I currently attend weekly therapy, but she still won't let me forget that I 'lied' to her.

2. My girlfriend cycles every three days or so. She will be exceedingly sweet and cuddly on day #1, day #2 will be relatively normal, and she will be edgy on day #3. Days #4 and 5 are usually the danger zone because she'll suddenly pick something that I do (usually pretty minor, but she's been on the mark a few times as well) and blow it up and basically rage at me for the rest of the day before instating the silent treatment for an additional day. Today, she's being irritated and angry with me for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

3. She used to go through my cell phone, my texts, and my email until I sat her down and told her that I wasn't comfortable with that. She was angry with me because of this, and generally doesn't trust me because of this and #1.

4. In better days, she gave me a little ring to wear in lieu of a promise ring. I wear it still, but I no longer feel the emotion behind it. I would stop wearing it, but this would create more problems than it would solve.

5. I don't want to tell her things. I don't want to be called various things, told how screwed up I am, or how much our relationship is in trouble. I am constantly tense and stressed nowadays. My shoulders are always locked and tense and I've gained her distaste and disinterest in her schoolwork.

There is so much more, but it really sucks to drudge all of this up right now. I don't know who's really the crazy one here, or if it's both of us. I don't know what to do.

[sour]

Hey everybody,

My name is "sour" and I've been with my BPDgf for almost two years. We currently attend the same college together and live in the same apartment. We've lived together for almost the entire duration of the relationship.

I'm not really sure where to start.

Somewhere near the beginning of the relationship, she made it known that she had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I wasn't too sure what that was, but I figured that I have my problems as well and we'll make it through together.

I've typically had a really rough history of relationships. My first girlfriend was emotionally unavailable, and the second had severe borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits (I believe, she was never diagnosed but the symptoms fit.) My current BPDgf is my fourth girlfriend.

I've been trying to do some research on what's been going on in our relationship, since I'm not sure who's really the problem. My second girlfriend did gaslighting until it made me doubt my sanity, and my current does the same but to a lesser extent.

I'm generally a people pleaser, with an abusive father that left my life early on. My mother has been emotionally distant and overprotective my entire life. Needless to say, I've brought all this baggage into my relationships.

My girlfriend, however, has contributed as well. I have a tendency to minimize and logic away all of the issues I might have with her behavior, but hopefully I include the important ones here.

1. She forced me into therapy. She said that she couldn't handle my issues, and she gave me an ultimatum. Either I go to therapy, or the relationship ends. Because of the 'honeymoon' period of any relationship plus the normal beginnings of a relationship with someone with BPD, I valued her thoughts and understood that my issues might be too much for her. However, I had never been to therapy before, and it was something that I had to work my way up to. I told her that I would go, but I never actually began going. Three months later, she began to think that I had lied to her when I had said that I would go, and she hasn't let me forget it ever since. Even though I put in a lot of effort once I became comfortable. I currently attend weekly therapy, but she still won't let me forget that I 'lied' to her.

2. My girlfriend cycles every three days or so. She will be exceedingly sweet and cuddly on day #1, day #2 will be relatively normal, and she will be edgy on day #3. Days #4 and 5 are usually the danger zone because she'll suddenly pick something that I do (usually pretty minor, but she's been on the mark a few times as well) and blow it up and basically rage at me for the rest of the day before instating the silent treatment for an additional day. Today, she's being irritated and angry with me for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

3. She used to go through my cell phone, my texts, and my email until I sat her down and told her that I wasn't comfortable with that. She was angry with me because of this, and generally doesn't trust me because of this and #1.

4. In better days, she gave me a little ring to wear in lieu of a promise ring. I wear it still, but I no longer feel the emotion behind it. I would stop wearing it, but this would create more problems than it would solve.

5. I don't want to tell her things. I don't want to be called various things, told how screwed up I am, or how much our relationship is in trouble. I am constantly tense and stressed nowadays. My shoulders are always locked and tense and I've gained her distaste and disinterest in her schoolwork.

There is so much more, but it really sucks to drudge all of this up right now. I don't know who's really the crazy one here, or if it's both of us. I don't know what to do.

[arabella]

Hi sour!

Yes, I see the problem(s). That's a tough situation! I think you'll find, as you explore the boards here and interact with the community, that some of the things you are questioning right now may become more clear to you. It's very much a journey of discovery. I know the amount of information here can be overwhelming, but don't let that deter you. Just keep posting and people will help you to navigate the site and point you in the right direction.

The fact that you are questioning yourself and are willing to accept that you may be responsible for some of the problems in your r/s puts you ahead of the game. You need to be able to see yourself clearly (don't worry, it gets easier!) in order to make good decisions.

So you've told us a lot about some of the issues you're having. You're still undecided... .   What is it about this r/s and your gf that make you want to stay? What is counterbalancing all of this stuff? Just trying to get the full picture here!