Why haven't I been painted black, and will I?

[momtara]

I'm divorcing my husband (although I have my moments when I wonder if there's any way to work it out, but it seems unlikely).  We've been sep. since December.  He says he loves me, understand everything he did wrong (with specifics), knows I tried so hard (mentions specifics, etc.) and really wants me back.  I am wondering if all pwBPD paint their exes black?  Maybe this will happen when we are finally divorced.  Is it possible he'll still like me and understand what happened?  Or will he hate me and suddenly decline all contact?  He seems to be one  of the higher functioning spouses - no cheating, addictions, etc.  Still, I wonder if he is just going to hate me someday and believe I am an awful person.  

Do they all paint people black?

I have seen him dislike people based on one incident, including some of his relatives, but I don't know if it will happen to me.

[somethingtolose]

I don't know the answer. In my own case, she waited a very long time to do it because I gave her almost nothing to work with. I treated her so well that she had an extremely hard time finding an excuse, but she found one (she blamed me for her earlier break up and completely inverted the facts). Years later she apologized for her behavior and showed some awareness and insight into what she did (not much, but some) and she did treat me decently (not while in a relationship).

So, my guess is that if the person has enough awareness and insight into themselves they might not do it. However, if things get to painful, they will desperately search for a way to blame you so they can keep their sanity. I would expect it to happen, so that if it does you aren't surprised by it.

[wanttoknowmore]

I am also confused about "painting black" Vs "pushing away".

If pwBPD stops contact, wants you to leave her alone, not answer your text or phone... .   will it be considered "painted black" OR it has to be negative comments about you as a person, blaming you... . that counts as "painted black"

Can someone, please, differentiate between "painted black' and "pushing away"? Or are they one and the same.

[arabella]

Can someone, please, differentiate between "painted black' and "pushing away"? Or are they one and the same.

As far as I understand it these are two different things. You can be pushed away without being painted black. There are many stories on here of people whose pwBPD has told them: "I love you but I can't be with you. I'm no good for you." or "I feel trapped and I can't be with anyone." or some other random thing generally triggered by engulfment fears or preempting abandonment (yes, I realize this latter one makes no sense). So the pwBPD still likes the non, but they push them away. Being painted black means the pwBPD loathes the non. Everything the non does is wrong/evil/horrible. The pwBPD is convinced that the non is a terrible person who can do nothing right. So, yes, two different phenomenon the pushing and the painting.

Do they all paint people black?

I don't think so, momtara. My pwBPD has exes that he still speaks kindly of. He's currently pushing me away (quite firmly I might add) but he has not painted me black. Actually, your husband sounds very much like mine. No guarantees either way, of course, but I'm fairly certain that not everyone gets painted black.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thanks Arabella for clarifying the difference. I was wondering inspite of severe pushing away ,pwBPD has not said any evil or negative things about me as a person. Infact, she said "you are a loving and caring person... . but I have to move on... . its not fair to you... . you deserve so much better."

In the past, Once when their was 2 day silent treatment ,when she returned

I asked her the reason and she replied "I did it to protect you from my crazyness"

Such statement indicate that pwBPD does have empathy ... . may be they cant express it in coherent manner. In a way, it consoles me that she doesnot think that I am bad.

[momtara]

I wonder if some symptoms are just generally different for men and for women.  Seems like the women paint people black a lot.  I'm trying to think of cases where the men did it, and I don't remember reading any here. Am I wrong?

[arabella]

Huh. That's an interesting observation, momtara. I don't know? I can't specifically recall a story about a man painting his partner black for any length of time... .   I know I've read some posts re rapid cycles of women being painted black by their male SO, but those were short periods (hours, maybe a day or two at most). Probably the place to find out would be on the Leaving/Detaching board but I generally don't venture over there.

wanttoknowmore - glad my explanation made sense (these days I sometimes I wonder about my ability to string a sentence together! ) I too believe that pwBPD have empathy. I think a lot of the cases where they don't there is a comorbid disorder at play. I'm like you, I take comfort in knowing that my pwBPD at least still recognizes me as a decent person.

[maria1]

You may just not see that you are being painted black. My exwBPD had a time when he tried to criticise me for some stuff- after he'd dumped me and was trying to keep me engaged. I asked him what was going on and why he as getting at me- he said 'I have to, don't you see? Nobody comes close'

However I saw him painting his ex wife and a close friend black. I also saw him feel terribly guilty for doing so and swinging right back again. I don't doubt he would have painted me black had the circumstances fitted. Or he did to others I just didn't hear or see it.

[Gimme Peace]

I was painted black for a four-month period. He only raged at me one time then, but it was clear that he had an intense dislike towards me for a very long period... .   Indicated by his silence, un-cooperation, lack of eye contact and general surliness regarding anything I was involved in.

The day he raged he told me that he didn't love me anymore and didn't even like me. This was towards the end of the painted black period. Eventually, he came out of it, although nothing had really changed regarding my behavior... . Now he's back to clingy and enmeshed so I expect he will swing back to negative any ole day now. I wonder what will bring on his next negative perception of me, I never seem to know "what I did". In the past it was some expression I had on my face... .   seems to be a recurring trigger for him.

[grad]

Being "painted" black probably has a lot to do with the amount of respect they genuinely have for you and the context of the r/s with their new partner, maybe they dont want them keeping contact with the ex.  It's a lot easier to hate someone and move on than it is to admit fault.  My guess is if they genuinely do "have love" and respect you they won't entirely paint you black.  But you are also an ex so even in a non-non r/s sometimes a clean break is best for both parties to move on with their life.  I think it's best to look inward at yourself.   For the female BPD, especially the high functioning, I believe they're highly intuitive and can sense good and bad.  If there's any hint of manipulative or controlling behavior it may be enough to eliminate you from their life.

I was talking to my ex the other day and she was showing me pictures in her phone and noticably absent was the one picture she had of me.  The only guys in her phone were her current bf and another ex, both of which she can manipulate and control.  And this is a girl who still harbors feelings for me but couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable to another NPD-like alpha, especially one who lacked empathy (until she broke my heart).  

And to answer HappyPlace's question, if you do manage to maintain contact after the break you will probably hear about the disappointments she had.  Although mine admits faults and not being ready for someone like me, she also seems to use it as an opportunity to continue passive-aggressive testing.  She does have some resentment with how i handled certain situations and even brings up the same one over and over, which is funny cuz she didn't complain about it that night rather came back after leaving for 10 minutes and said "i've never come back before" but overall she knows I'm a genuine person and always try to do what is best (NPD ego ).

Never leave your guard down, a pwBPD is a constant test due to their insecurity and lack of identity.  It's almost as if they want to probe every facet of your moral character, your sense of self, your confidence, and your identity, and your ability to handle emotional pain

[grad]

I asked him what was going on and why he as getting at me- he said 'I have to, don't you see? Nobody comes close'

As soon as I read this I can understand where he's coming from.

When a person makes you uncomfortable because they're trying to get into your personal space, either through genuinely trying to help you or because they want to emotionally bond with you, it's almost as if "what's wrong with this person, can't they see i want to be left alone?"  The more persistent you become, the more they pick at you.  I can remember once where a coworker wanted to start engaging me in a way I wasn't comfortable and I wasn't sure of her motives.  Although it was work-related, it just made me uncomfortable especially when she was married.  So I used it as an opportunity to pick at her and play games, like once telling her it was my birthday on a particular day to get the bday lunch she promised sooner.  Well it backfired, she got coworkers involved and they bought me small gifts.  Then while out at the lunch I broke the news and she wasn't surprised