Advice, support? how to deal with this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Perhaps this is just me venting as I don't think there are any real solutions to what I'm dealing with here.  In divorce proceedings now. Two kids 2 and 4.  Stbxw is BPD. I have kids a little under 40%.  There is no "co-parenting."  I no longer ask stbx questions about parenting issues with the kids as she just lies, even when it would be easier to tell the truth.  If inquire via text "how are the kids?" the answer is always "great."  Similarly, if I text "will either get on the phone with me?" the answer is always "No."  My 4 year old tells me "mommy says she loves me more than you do." I have a great relationship with my children and our time together is truly wonderful.  It saddens me that my little girl 4 has to make sense of the fact that she's the only one in her preschool whose parents don't live together.

    I wish I could call their mother and be able to ask, for instance,  "how are you dealing with problem hit_xhit?"  But I don't bother because the answer will invariably be some version of "Oh, I don't have that problem when they're with me." I all to often find myself thinking "why, why why!" and I know the answer - "because."   It's that simple.  Just because it's who she is, who she has always been and who she will likely always be.  The solution is just acceptance.  I know all I can do is be the best father I can be and I'm confident I'm doing a fairly good job of that.  I also know my kids don't get to emerge from childhood unscathed by this disorder.  I know as they mature and become more and more autonomous that they'll become the unfortunate recipients of the blinding rages, the unpredictable emotions, verbal abuse and manipulation.  Or, maybe not... .   but I doubt that.     

   I just wish, unrealistically, that it were otherwise.  But it's not and never will be.  Thank you to everyone reading this and I thank you in advance for your comments.

[theirdad]

Perhaps this is just me venting as I don't think there are any real solutions to what I'm dealing with here.  In divorce proceedings now. Two kids 2 and 4.  Stbxw is BPD. I have kids a little under 40%.  There is no "co-parenting."  I no longer ask stbx questions about parenting issues with the kids as she just lies, even when it would be easier to tell the truth.  If inquire via text "how are the kids?" the answer is always "great."  Similarly, if I text "will either get on the phone with me?" the answer is always "No."  My 4 year old tells me "mommy says she loves me more than you do." I have a great relationship with my children and our time together is truly wonderful.  It saddens me that my little girl 4 has to make sense of the fact that she's the only one in her preschool whose parents don't live together.

    I wish I could call their mother and be able to ask, for instance,  "how are you dealing with problem hit_xhit?"  But I don't bother because the answer will invariably be some version of "Oh, I don't have that problem when they're with me." I all to often find myself thinking "why, why why!" and I know the answer - "because."   It's that simple.  Just because it's who she is, who she has always been and who she will likely always be.  The solution is just acceptance.  I know all I can do is be the best father I can be and I'm confident I'm doing a fairly good job of that.  I also know my kids don't get to emerge from childhood unscathed by this disorder.  I know as they mature and become more and more autonomous that they'll become the unfortunate recipients of the blinding rages, the unpredictable emotions, verbal abuse and manipulation.  Or, maybe not... .   but I doubt that.     

   I just wish, unrealistically, that it were otherwise.  But it's not and never will be.  Thank you to everyone reading this and I thank you in advance for your comments.

[marbleloser]

I've found that parallel parenting works for me.My time is my time,her time is hers.If I need to communicate about the kids,I send an email.She doesn't respond,but it shows that I'm keeping her in the loop on issues she needs to know about.She doesn't do the same.I usually find things out after the fact from the kids.

[nak]

I, too, wish that me and my uBPDex could be together for the kids. With a S4,D5 it's heartbreaking to go into the school and see family pics ( mother and father ) in the cubby of the other kids and not be able to do the same for yours.

How did you wind up with only 40% custody ? My uBPDex had suicide attempts , suicidal ideation , 2 bankruptcies and a conviction for destruction of prop. Were you not able to demonstrate her behavior was out of whack?