How do I tell the children that their parents are getting divorced?

[garzos]

I live in Texas, I filed my petition for divorce over a week ago. My husband was served on Saturday. He does not want to leave the house until "the judge tells him to". The fact is we cannot finalize the divorce in less than two months. This means probably the end of June. We have not told the kids because I do not want to disturb them during the last of their school year.

Our kids are 10, 12, and 13. The two older boys know there is a problem because we have not been talking to each other. My little girl (10), has not paid that much attention.

About timing, first I thought after school is over completely. Then I also think that after all examinations have concluded. They still have about a week. Maybe it will be best to tell them when they are still in school with their friends and have something to distract them. Then I also think not telling them until the divorce is finalized. That way they will not think they can convince me to take their father back.

Any suggestions on the timing? Also how should I approach this. Should I talk to them by myself, should I do it together with their father?

I would appreciate any suggestions.

[livednlearned]

It's hard to know what the right answer is, but I'm not sure the timing matters so much as how and what you tell them. I remember talking to a child counselor about my ex's excessive drinking, and whether or not to tell my son that his father was an alcoholic. The counselor said, "Kids know. They may not know what it is called, but they know."

I am guessing it is the same for telling kids about divorce. They have probably been traumatized already by the dynamics in your marriage. All you will be doing is to validate that they have correctly guessed that the relationship is as bad as they suspected. You probably will not be telling them anything that will surprise them too much when you say that you've filed for divorce. They may even feel relief.

But you can help them by letting them express whatever feelings they have about it, without trying to appease those feelings. If they are angry, let them be angry. If they are relieved, let them be relieved. And be aware that they will probably care most about how the divorce is going to affect them personally. For example, tell them that you and their dad will live separately, and that you are working with the court system to come up with a schedule to determine when they will stay with their dad and when they will stay with you. They may want to know if they get to pick out a new bed, what bus stop will they go to when they stay at the new home, will they have clothes in both houses. The kinds of things that are pragmatic -- we usually worry so much about their feelings and forget that the kids tend to think first about the logistics of how it will affect them.

I did ok when I left N/BPDx -- probably the most important thing I did was to remain calm and exude heroic levels of calm. When I felt uncertain or afraid, and S11 wanted to know if I felt those ways, I told him the truth. "I feel sad about what is happening, and I feel angry sometimes. But I also know that I am good at solving problems and know I can turn to friends and counselors if I want support. I know that I am resilient." That kind of thing. You are role-modeling how to manage a conflict.

It's quite likely that your ex will start parental alienation -- seems to be a standard BPD maladaptive coping mechanism, trying to ally the kids against you. Watch out for that -- it can take root super fast. People here often recommend Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. I also really like Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy (who also wrote Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse). I highly recommend reading those books to help ground you in the weeks and months ahead. I also read Power of Validation -- it really mattered in my situation that I let S11 discover what was real, since he wasn't getting that from N/BPDx. And the best way to do that is to validate how your kids feel. For example, S11 would say, "N/BPDx says that you said this." And instead of putting S11 in the middle, I would say, "How did you feel when he said that?" Then later, if it was a big whopper that was damaging to S11, I would tell him that the statement was false. S11 has a pretty good sense now that his dad isn't truthful. With me, he knows that he can work stuff out for himself, and that I am steady and stable when it comes to the truth. With his dad, he knows he is going to be put in a loyalty bind, and that really sucks for kids.

Sorry if this is more than what you are asking for. I remember well how it felt in those first few weeks and months. I think it's much harder when your spouse won't leave and you can't move out.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Just someone who can help you through the next few months while you ride the roller coaster out of crazy town.

[livednlearned]

Also, it just occurred to me that you may get some great feedback from the Healing from parents with BPD board. There are lots of grown kids who experienced divorce between their BPD parent and codependent parent on that board, and they can probably give you some good insight into what helped them during the divorce.

[ForeverDad]

There is one burden you don't want your children to carry - guilt.  The marriage's failure and resulting divorce is NOT their fault.  They may not say it, they may not even know how to say it, but they can sure feel guilty.  Assure them periodically that it is not their fault, they didn't cause it and sadly they can't fix it.  Telling them once is not enough, every so often at appropriate times reassure them it's not because of them.  It's an adult matter, tell them all they have to do is simply be kids.

[garzos]

Thank you so much livenlearned and Forever dad for your advice.

I do have a counselor. That helps alot being that I do not have any relatives or close friends nearby.

I will buy the books recommended and take a peak at the discussion board for children of BPD.

This is such a great site for resources!   

[scraps66]

I'm thinking telling them may be awhile off, if you choose.  If using the trigger of pending final divorce, it may be awhile and could be awhile unitl the judge tells him to leave - if that is waht happens.  I had served my ex, she avoided the mail knowing what it was, and then three weeks later served her myself.  We remained in the house for over another year until she had me booted.  We at the time had two little kids, 2 and 4.  I told them on my own, without her around, that I would be leaving the house. Your situation is different with older kids, but still the timing is an issue.  On the other hand, I think the timing may be secondary to just giving them the scopp, and then TONs of support after.  That being the case the timing may not be as important as the follow-up and consistent support after the fact.  In my opinion.   

[livednlearned]

I have found that being proactive has worked for me every step of the way. Not sure if that helps you figure out when to talk to the kids, but in general, it seems to be a good strategy to have throughout the divorce process.

Hope you're hanging in there ok. And glad to hear you have a counselor! That will help.



LnL

[ForeverDad]

• All information should be age appropriate.



• Keep them out of the conflict as much as you reasonably can, however don't sell yourself short either.



• Validation is crucial.  Ex will likely be actively invalidating and misleading.  You need to be aware of what you say - and don't say - so that you aren't passively or accidentally invalidating.



• Be assertive, you're doing the right thing, so stand up for both yourself and the children.



• Read the introduction to Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison.  He stresses that keeping quiet and ignoring the other parent's misbehaviors can actually be enabling and perpetuating the impact of the other's misbehaviors.  You do more than "avoid the wrong" but also "advocate the right".



• The children will probably need access to regular counseling.  School counselors are a start, but they likely will need more.

[doubleAries]

Hi garzos--

I'm one of those folks from over on the healing children board 

Here's a thing I got from the Christine Lawson book, "understanding the borderline mother". (paraphrasing) It is important to validate the feelings your children have over this. It is confusing when parents say "don't be afraid" or "you shouldn't feel... .  "

We all feel what we feel. You can discuss your kids feelings with them, even tell them how their feelings make you feel, but don't tell them what they should or shouldn't feel. Better to find out WHY they feel the way they do, than to just cut it off completely by telling them what to feel or not feel.

this lets them know--even if their feelings are overwhelming--that you understand and are to be trusted.

When you tell a kid not to feel this or that, and they feel it anyway, they feel guilty for their feelings, or as if they are "bad" for doing it anyway, especially since they can't help it.

Hope that helps a bit... .  

doubleAries

[garzos]

Thank you doublearies for sharing your experience. I will take that into consideration. We will be telling the kids this weekend. Please keep me in your prayers.