This is mostly an update to my last post regarding a resurgence of drama after a peaceful period... . for more details about the context, see
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198905.20.
So the kids arrived, and the first day was great. SD12 (almost 13) was cheery, polite, wanted to tell me everything, a little cold but still loving with dad. SD8 (almost 9) totally loving, glad to see us.
In the period w/o kids, DH and I both listened to some Love and Logic cds, saw our relationship counselor, and met with the kids' T. We were ready for action.
On day two, in response to a boundary I set about SD13's use of my computer (fortunately well within my comfort zone to express a boundary as a stepmom, no question I want to retain control or my computer regardless of what her mom things is appropriate), SD13 flipped out. Raging anger, telling dad and I we were jerks, that she did not love us, wanted to live with BPD mom, that daddy said there was a parenting agreement signed by mom and dad and court ordered, but SHE AND MOMMY feel differently, and mommy says that she can run away and go to mommy's whenever she wants, etc. That's right, she says mom says she can run away any time if she wants.
DH and I each did great, clear boundaries, mostly just hearing her, letting her know we loved her. Dad expressed clearly that if she ran away, he would find her because he would not want her to get hurt, as he loves her so much. He also read "The Female Brain," and the chapter on teenage girls which clued him in to how normal it is for this to happen even without BPD's influence. He was really great, just letting her know that right now, she lives here, and that he loves her even when she is really angry. So great.
I also let her know that she did not need to love me for me to love her. But that to use my computer, she needed to be respectful. We had a whole negotiation about her wanting me not to be a "parent" (which is mostly her mom's definition... . not hers or mine), then her asking if I could just let her use my computer even if she was mean as one last parenting thing... . me letting her know that living in the same house, letting her use my stuff, I am going to have boundaries, especially when she is acting wild and yelling. Because that is who I am, not because of the nature of our relationship. I let her know that being a parent is what lets me hang in there even when she treats me bad... . it is why there are do-overs. Whether I am more a parent or more a friend does not mean I have no boundaries. And that for me, friendship (if that is what she wants) is a two way street, not one where I am nice and she gets to be as mean as she wants.
She ultimately really connected with me, and I insisted that if she wanted to use my computer, she trade me something later, on my terms. She agreed, and then wanted to use my computer, have me help her on the assignment, sit by her. She had asked me not to touch her when she was angry, but now she put her feet in my lap and was being cuddly (she is a very physical and affectionate kid, in a genuine way). I said, "I take it by the feet in my lap that it is okay if I touch you now." And she looked chagrined, grabbed my hand, said, "Yeah. Maybe we could negotiate having more of a friendship, less a parent relationship."
I told her I was totally open to that, but thought that her definition of what is a parent and what is a friend might be different than mine. I am not having boundaries about my computer as a parent, I just have those boundaries. If she wants to yell and get upset, the part of me that is parenting is what means I am helping her figure out how to communicate to get to use the computer, because if a grown up acted that way, that would be the end of that! No computer use, period. But because she is learning, I am willing to try again when she works on it. So sometimes when she says she does not want me to be a parent, I am thinking that what she means is that she does not want me to have boundaries, and that is not going to happen, especially if she is throwing a fit. I am going to exit or ask her to maintain some level of respect for others needs if we are living together and she is doing that.
We agreed to talk about this later. The hard thing is that she really only wants me to be "less of a parent" when she has just returned from mom's and I have a boundary... . and, she will encroach until she hits a boundary. The classic example being me in my room, working on my computer while sitting on the bed, and her coming up, chatting, then jumping on my bed, me asking her to stop, and her becoming very angry and saying she wants daddy to be the boss NOT me... . another transition day.
After those first few days, she stops trying to intentionally trigger my boundaries, so I say "no" less, and she tends to want me to do stuff with her--help her with assignments, take her to a cafe to talk and write in our journals, go for a walk or run. So it does not feel like a real issue outside of transitions. And she is often picking issues where she knows I will not back down, like my computer. When she yelled at me this time about where she lives--"But I don't even WANT to live here!" I just said, "You can yell at me all you want about that, but I have absolutely no power in that area. The reason you live here is because your mom and dad and a judge signed a written agreement for you to live in each house half time, and it is their choice, not mine. So you can talk to them about that... . but since it took two years to come to that agreement, I doubt they will make a change anytime soon." And that is the end of her wanting to yell at me.
After the first few transition days, I think I am likely to be the one feeling needing to say that I am not the parent... . she engages me as a parent more than I want to be responsible as a parent. For example, asking me what she should eat, as she has lots of allergies (food intolerance, really, but when she eats some foods, she often gets a cold or illness and then misses school, so it is an issue but not life threatening) then wanting to argue with me. So I often say something like, "That is something you should talk to your dad about. My suggestion is that you wait until the end of school and then meet with your dad and suggest experimenting more with what you eat, and keep track of what happens."
My sense is that she likes the combination of me having clear boundaries and that I have creative ideas about how she can try something out with less risk than her desire as a teen to just have no parents, no boundaries. Also, that I listen when she is really upset, and that I will discuss things with her. I forget what parenting book it is that talks about how important it is for teens to argue with their parents--not yell and scream, but engage and discuss, to disagree.
This morning, she wanted to talk to me about why she is sneezing a lot, and then started arguing and disagreeing with me, so at some point, I said, "I'm out. I do not really want to argue with you. I just see it differently than you do. Neither of us needs to be right. We can just agree to disagree." That seemed to work okay.
But the point is, things seem to be leveling out. SD13 seems happier, close to her dad again, wearing his hoodie everywhere. My sense is that she really got what she needed from us. That she wanted to express intense anger and feeling about having no control over where she lives, etc. I am sure a bunch of this is wanting to rescue her mom, and the part she cannot directly express is that she does NOT want to rescue her mom, but focus on HER needs. She feels really angry about that. She had another two conversations with dad over the weekend and ended up going from saying she wanted to live with mom, to that she wanted to live on a farm with mom, to just having a teenage crying jag over not having goats and chickens on our land... . so it is a little less than crystal clear to her what she really wants, even to her.
Fortunately, she is 13, so she does not have to know!
Phew. Hard to "validate" feelings she is having that are completely parroted from her mom. It just feels so phony at times, but it obviously is not helpful to point that out!
