Update

[Defeated]

I wish that I could say that things were getting better, but they aren't.  In fact, they've only gotten worse.  It always seems to be when my husband isn't home.  We can be having a perfectly normal conversation (well, one of us could have a normal conversation), and the next thing I know, she is absolutely screaming at me.

I swear, I thought that my husband was going to think that I was going insane so I taped her.  Twice.  While she is absolutely out of control.  Not that it will do us any good, but at least my husband knows that I am not crazy too.

She argued and completely disrespected a woman that works at the clinic where she is prescribed her meds (that she went off of three months ago) so they refuse to see her again.  Apparently, she had been trying to reach her doctor since the 1st of March to set up an appointment, but no one ever returned her calls.  Finally, the other day, someone answered and they told her that her doctor was no longer there.  She flipped out on the woman.  In turn, the woman put her on the cancellation list, eventually calling and offering her an appointment for Friday, which she accepted.  However, her new doctor (who she has yet to meet) cancelled her appointment for Friday as he saw no need for her to cut ahead of everyone.  She's on another list.

Am I the only one that finds it absolutely hysterical that a mental health facility refuses to treat someone in desperate need of mental health treatment?  You just can't make this stuff up.

I'm not sleeping because I'm afraid of what she might do.  Would she ever hurt me?  I honestly don't know.  The anger in her voice on that tape is chilling.

She had a lucid period of about five minutes today, which I thought was great.  Until she called me at work to ask if I would go with her for her first appointment with her new doctor.  No, no, wait, there's more.  You should know by now that it only gets better. 

She wants me to explain her symptoms, etc. to her new doctor.  Yes, I am deadly serious.

Now, just for kicks and giggles, let's assume for a moment that I agree to speak to her new doctor.  Thank God she's not irrational or violent.

Now, let's assume that I decline.  Do you see where I'm going with this?  This is my life.  The lose/lose situation. 

Like I said, you just can't make this stuff up.

-Defeated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear defeated

I just want to wrap you up in a hug... .   we have all been where you are... .   at the bottom with no energy left to give. I am not sure of your details... .   your post says update but I have not seen your previous post.

How old is your daughter? What has gotten worse?

If you are not sleeping and are afraid for your dd maybe you should consider getting help for her sooner? Do you think she needs to be hospitalized? Going off her drugs is going to make things worse. It sounds like a recipe for trouble!

I am not sure why you don't want to go with her to her new doctors... .   I don't think it is your place to talk for her but I think you could help get her there etc... .   i am sorry things are so unsettled for you and you are fearful for your d... .   I hope you get a chance to rest and regroup ... .    

[qcarolr]

Defeated - it is so hard when our adult girls (mine is 26 with the emotional development of 13-15 on many days) ask for our help. It feels like a set up for more raging and blaming. And it is so hard for me to say no, lost in my fantasy that my input will really make a difference.

DD has also experienced having her account closed at mental health center. Usually for missing appts. without notice. And their response to my agitated contacts about them "not even having the line the water - she needs to be reeled in a little" pretty much goes unheard. Their  value is she is an adult and needs to ask for what she needs. They have made her aware of what is offered. And they have boundaries about treating others with respect. They are much better at being consistent with enforcing their values-based boundaries than I am.

This comes across as a lack of caring -- I think it is thought out part of the adult program. It is different in the child/adolscent program at this county clinic.

So if my DD wants her meds. she has to initiate the action to get them. I am willing to call to set up appts and drive her. I stay in waiting room. DD introduces me often as "my ride". This is her life now, I am trying to resign as her case manager. There is a professional case manager there for her whenever she is willing to ask for help to get her needs met.

Hang in there - figure out what works for you - ie take care of yourself - then stick with it.

qcr  

[Being Mindful]

Hi Defeated,

A big   to you and I'm so sorry you are still feeling so heavy with your daughter's actions.

The reality of enforcing boundaries at the clinic is probably a good thing. Despite being mentally ill, our kids still need to learn that there is a process, there is a way to treat people with respect even when they don't feel well or when things don't go smoothly. There are other patients too that they need to consider who have been calmly waiting.  When things like this happen to my d. I'm glad that others are enforcing the same message that I am giving and that is there is boundaries in the world, there is process and order... .  even when we are sick. And, that is the key for them to learn coping skills such that when they are dysregulated they can still function without resorting to bad behaviors. I hope that helps.

Being Mindful

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Defeated,

So sorry to hear things are so difficult when your husband isn't around... .  

What are you doing to keep yourself safe while he is gone?

What can you do for yourself to reduce your stress in the meantime - what activities calm you down?

How did it go with your conversation regarding the doctor visit?

Keep us posted... .  

[Defeated]

Hi everyone.  I’m really sorry for being away for so long, but it’s been really bad here.  I actually wrote this the other night, but she came home yelling before I could post it.  As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if it’s finished, but if I reread it, I will start changing things and I would prefer that it be interpreted as it was written – from my broken heart.

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I have a feeling that this is going to be a long one as I've been more emotional lately.  Don't say that I didn't warn you.

We kept the appointment with her new physician, and we had so much fun that I could hardly contain myself.  Yeah, right.  She immediately despised, not disliked, but despised her.  Right away my daughter announced to the doctor, while I was sitting right next to her,  that she doesn't like her mother.  Her father is her "boy."  So the doctor looked at her and said "then why isn't your father here?"  Her response was just priceless.  She doesn't explain things well, nor does her father.  So, whenever they need something explained, they bring the smart one.  How flattering.  Then, for no apparent reason, my daughter mumbled to herself "I'm going to f*** punch this b*** in the face.  Well, I sincerely hope that when she finally chooses on non-felonious career path, it doesn't require her to be patient or tactful.  That could be a problem.

So, while my face was turning 50 shades of red, the doctor looked at my daughter and said "What did you say?"  My daughter's response was... .  I don't even know how to describe it.  There was an edge in the tone of her voice, and it sent chills down my spine.  Challenging!  Her response to the doctor's question was "nothing," but the tone of her voice, her whole demeanor - you just knew that she was really saying "You f*** heard me."

The doctor asked her again what she had said.  "If I wanted you to f*** know, I would have said it louder," was my daughter's response.  Oh, how I wished that I would open my eyes to find that this wasn't really happening, I  was actually in the middle of a gynecological exam.  No such luck.

I'm telling you, if one of these days, her head begins to spin around and around, I won't be a bit surprised.  Sybil who?  Sybil had nothing on my daughter. In fact, my daughter makes Sybil look like Shirley Temple.

I spent the first 32 years of my life trying to please my mother.  Make her love me.  I got my first job at 14, and every week, I would spend my paycheck on her.  I didn't realize it at the time, of course, but I was trying to buy my mother's love.  Her approval.  I thought that by leaving the state, I could take my life back.  I could breathe.  Instead, I have been cursed with chronic insomnia from the day that we moved. Every night for the past 15 years, I have had nothing but drug-induced sleep.  Currently, I take Seroquel and Klonopin for sleep.  To numb me from my daughter, and the pain that she can cause me, I take Zoloft and Wellbutrin.

In December of 2007, my husband called the office to tell me that my sister had just called.  My mother was in the hospital, and she was.  I hadn't seen or spoken to anyone in my family, including and especially my mother, in 12 years.   Nevertheless, out of a sense of obligation really, I left work immediately and we drove one state over, where we spent the next three days by her side. She never regained consciousness. I don't know if she knew that I was there or not.  She died on the 17th; my sister's birthday.  I remember feeling incredibly awkward because I wasn't crying like everyone else.  I couldn't.  I could only think about all she had done to me.  I wondered if I would ever get over it, and I don’t think so.  She took too much pleasure in it. 

I swore that if I ever had a daughter, our relationship was going to be so different.  She was going to know, without question or hesitation, how much I loved her.  I was going to be there for her, and I thought that I was.

What did I miss?

-Defeated

[sunshineplease]

Dear Defeated,

How you can be so funny when you're hurting so much is beyond me. I actually felt like laughing out loud... .  then I felt like crying. Much like you, I guess. Great sense of the absurd here, eh?

I'm finding myself wondering if your mother had some form of mental illness. Poor you, with such great hopes for a different relationship with your DD, only to have BPD step in and take her somewhere else for now.

Of course you're emotional right now: You're on a crazy roller coaster! I hope you felt some relief, however small, at knowing a professional saw some of what you see in terms of serious anti-social behavior. What I'm hoping, though, is that said professional -- not being the responsible-feeling parent, or the person who loves your daughter the most in the world (i.e., having some distance!) -- could see your daughter's behavior an the tragic expression of unmet needs and overwhelming pain. And that the doctor will be able to help.

Sending good thoughts your way... .  

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again, Defeated,

I agree with sunshine - so painful to live it, written with such humor at the same time... .     

The grief we struggle with, to accept that our child has a mental illness is vast. Adding to it our past hurts with a parent - a mountain that seems perhaps too tall to climb at times... .  

Hopefully that doctor visit was a step on a road to better tomorrows... .  

[jellibeans]

Defeated

I suggest you change your name... .  anyone that has such humor at times like these is not defeated... .  hopefully that was just a bad start... .  it can only get better!

I am not sure of your total situation... .  your dd age... .  living situation? I feel for you... .  this never gets easier... .  sending a hug your way  

[Defeated]

I relieve a lot of stress through my sense of humor and sarcasm.

For example, I once worked in a university for the clinical psychology faculty.  On my first day, I was approached by someone that looked like a chubby little ferret.  He handed me a yellow legal-size pad, with what I can only describe as hieroglyphics as it certainly was not English, and said that wherever I couldn't read something, to leave a space and he would fill it in later.

About two weeks later, the same professor entered my office, hideous yellow pad in hand, and said "B*****, I would expect you to be able to read my handwriting by now."  I looked at him for a minute and said "R****, you have the Ph.D., I would expect you to be able to write by now."

When such behavior would really be inappropriate, I am quite adept at disguising biting sarcasm with just enough humor so that you're left guessing whether I was serious or not.

The fact that I am extremely straightforward probably helps.  I am just a very direct person.  You will never hear me gossiping.  It's one of my biggest pet peeves.  If I want to say something to you, I will do just that - say it to you.  Of course, should I decide that I don't particularly care for you, I reserve the right to sacrifice you and your reputation to the almighty Facebook only, however, after you have been made aware of the fact that I don't particularly care for you.  Not to worry, just your standard disclaimer.  

Seriously... .  I always knew that my mother wasn't right.  I think what I found the most confusing, however, was the fact that she treated my siblings so differently.  All I thought about was what I had done to make her hate me.  Was it because I was the only child from her first marriage?  Maybe I reminded her of him?  No, it was deeper than that.  She would come into my bedroom at night and pull me by the hair off of the top bunk and, well, use your imagination.  I didn't like the woman.  That should tell you something.  

Well, back to my little angel.  I received the worst review of my life last week.  Average.  That is just unacceptable.  I have never been average at anything in my life.  When I went to confront my boss, he looked at me and said "B**, she's slowly killing you, and it's been tough to watch.  You just aren't you anymore."

The new doctor has refused to see her again.  Gee, I didn't see that coming.  Another one bites the dust.  Find another doctor.  Apparently not as easy as one would think.

This week has been extremely tough.  It has been all I can do to keep my husband from packing her things and throwing her out.  Oh my God, the retaliation (must be thinking with the other hea... .  never mind) it'll be a war.

You see, not only has she been selling my meds, she actually dropped a No Contact Order on her ex-boyfriend.  The same ex-boyfriend that broke her nose and stabbed my husband five times because he said that I was using big words to try and make him look stupid.  Right, because it was such a big secret.  I have news for him.  Boy George's sexuality is a bigger secret than the fact that he is dumb as dirt.

It took a little bit of detective work, but apparently, this is what happened.

She asked to use the car the other night to go over "Sherry's" house.  Sherry must have had pretty extensive surgery because when they got pulled over, she had morphed into my daughter's ex-boyfriend, Dumb___.  They arrested him for violation of the NCO, and issued her a summons to appear for a hearing re: a lane violation and seat belt violation, which I found in her closet.  (I'm not proud of it; please don't judge me.  I don't have the energy.)

Apparently, in order to get the idiot out of jail, she asked to use the car for an appointment.  Instead, she went to the courthouse and dropped the NCO figuring that they would have to let him go. 

I assumed that he was still in jail so, when she asked to use the car this morning to go to the courthouse - said she had to give something to her PO from her counselor - I let her.  However, when I got work, I looked again to make sure he was still in jail, and he was.  At least until this afternoon when I got this gnawing feeling in my stomach.  I looked him up again, but he was gone.  They had released him.  She asked me not to tell her father that she was going to the courthouse because he would b**** about the gas.  There was no doubt in my mind that she was driving him home, in my car.  She lied again.

I feel so desperate, like I know that I am running out of options but am in denial.

-Defeated

[Defeated]

You forget, I've been crying for years... .  literally.  I almost lost my job of 15 years because I was so emotional.  I had to see a therapist and get on plenty of meds.  That is why I can joke and cry.  Like the end of Steel Magnolias.  I remember how fascinated I was that it could actually make me laugh hysterically one minute, and sob my heart out the next.

That's kind of what it feels like now, which is why I told my therapist that I want off of the meds.

I just found out that my father and aunt both died last year, and no one told me.  No one could pick up the phone and call me.  Thanks to the meds, I handled it fine.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Oooh, Defeated,

so much going on... .        

Sounds like a complicated, stressful and somewhat dangerous situation... .  

What can you do to take good care of yourself?

What can you and your husband do to keep yourselves safe?

[Defeated]

Oh, there is no doubt in mind that eventually someone is going to get hurt. 

I almost find myself hoping that they will violate her, and the guilt for thinking like that is killing me.

[pessim-optimist]

I understand the guilt... .  

Are you 'almost hoping' because you think it might change something in your dd's thinking or behavior?

[mggt]

Dear Dedfeated.  I am sending you positive energy please keep your sense of humor sometimes that is all we can do is laugh because of this crazy illness sending you tons of prayers it can only help.  Anytime just vent vent here sending you many hugs.       

[qcarolr]

Defeated -

You could be writing my story - how old is your D again? Sorry if this is a repeat question. It is hard to hear - step back from your D. Get some distance. She will suffer with her behaviors - having a parent available to project all this suffering on takes away the possiblity that she will be held accountable by the world for her choices. I have my sheild up too - to deflect. I am building a support network around me in addition to my T - here at bpdfamily.com and with the women in my church. It is scary for me - it is starting to help me with my DD26.

If your D is old enough, maybe your dh's thinking of asking your D to leave your home has some real value.  It is the hardest thing to do as a parent. Feels like failure sometimes. But is has been the saving thing in my home - just last week dh and I got our courage together and DD cannot live with us right now. She keeps saying "I am not moving out" - we rented a storage unit to put her stuff in. She complains that all their friends are not speaking to her, and now not speaking to bf since he is with her. I asked - what is that about? Her answer: well they were giving me crap, so I gave crap back to them. From my experience - she shoveled it deeper than what she preceived she got. She is not willing to do any kind of therapy to find better ways to deal with her overwhelming emotional distress. We are no longer willing to take her bullying and abuse in our home. She is again living full-time homeless with her current homeless bf. She is also on probation - for DWAI - which she has not been doing. They are talking of leaving the state. We can only wait and see what happens.

I am not good with sarcasm - that is dh's zone. It really does not get him what he wants - I ask him that often. What is your goal with those comments that just set DD26 off more. And it happens with our gd7 as well. I know that a sense of humor is important for our sanity -- sometimes the sarcasm that veils our real feelings does not get us what we need. It sounds like maybe it is a cover for your grief and pain. It may have an invalidating effect on you, and on others around you. Have you read "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Lunberg? The skills in this book turned my life around 3 years ago. I am reading it again right now.

Be cautious about going off all your meds at once. I have been on all of the ones you listed. I am on only a couple now (different ones) - I have gone off of everything before and it was not good. Deep depression and hopelessness -- being in the pit with no view of a future better than the current moment. And though it is hard to see now, there is always hope for a better future for ourselves. It takes a lot of work, and learning new skills in responding to others in our world. And truly accepting that we cannot change the behaviors or thinking of someone else - most especially our BPDkids.

It is not within my power to orchestrate the outcome... .  

I can only try to create opportunities... .  

lbjnltx gave me this quote 2 years ago - I need to remind myself daily. And I need the physical seperation from my DD26 to survive right now.

Keep coming back - we understand. It takes courage and strength to survive for ourselves, and let our BPDkids find their way to survival.

qcr    

[Defeated]

I felt the same way after reading something you posted, qcr.  It was pretty eerie. 

My daughter is 24, and if they violate her, I won't have to worry about where she is or what she is getting into.  Maybe I will be able to relax a little.  Of course, she will have to serve the rest of her sentence, which is three years, but if that isn't a wake up call then I don't know.

Today was pretty rough.  She kept calling me at the office.  She was crying and just kept saying that she couldn't do it anymore.  She fought with one of her so-called "best" friends and afterwards, the friend blasted all over Facebook that she had an abortion because she didn't know who the father was.  Then she kept calling my daughter, and as soon as she answered, she would call her a murderer.  She even said that if my husband and I truly cared about her, we wouldn't have let her go through with it.  I'm telling you, she is so lucky that she was not standing in front of me when I came home today and found my daughter.  She was still quite upset and had punched a concrete wall.  Her hand was all bloody and swollen.  She is at the walk-in right now.

She hasn't said a word to us about getting pulled over the night, or her ex getting arrested for violating the No Contact Order.  She doesn't know that we know, but she also got pulled over again last night.  I knew that the cops were going to make her life miserable because they had to release the ex.  The attack on my daughter and husband were his 38th and 39th felony assaults.  Of course they don't want him walking around.  So, yeah, I had a feeling that they were going to put the pressure on her again.

I still can't figure out why instead of giving her a ticket for the lane violation and seat belt violation the other night.  The paper that I found in her room states that she has to go for a hearing.  I asked my husband if he thought that the police were looking for a way to violate her, and he said no.  He said that they couldn't because she wasn't arrested.  I could be wrong, but I was almost positive that they could violate her for being caught with a known felon.   So, when she goes to this hearing, are they going to arrest her?

I have fought for so long that I am completely out of ideas.  Oh, and you are absolutely right.  I hide behind my sense of humor and sarcasm so people don't see the pain.  I've been that way my entire life.  I go to work early every day, take no breaks or lunch - just work straight through the day.  Then I work late because I know as soon as I go home, I am going right to my room and crying myself to sleep.  What's worse though, is this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me that something bad is going to happen.  No idea when or how.  I'm sure that dwelling on Armageddon in the form of my daughter is really good for my already unstable mental state.

It's a wonderful life, huh?  Well, you couldn't prove it by me.

-Defeated

[qcarolr]

Defeated - the PO for our DD keeps giving her 'one more chance to get it together'. She has an appt. with him on Monday. She thought she would get violated 2 weeks ago - another slap on the hand that just empowers her in not doing her treatment or UA's -- or not smoking pot (big violation as pot was the substance for her DWAI). Dh and I actually were 'hopeful' for a break by her being safely put in jail. Her sentence would be one year in county jail - less the 45 days of home detention she did before probation.

It is so hard to let go -- to accept that what she does is what she does and nothing I do will change the course of her life and only make me miserable along the way.

Wish you and I could get together to do yoga, have tea/coffee, take a walk and talk about other things in our lives -- have a sleep over at a motel for a girls night out or something. We deserve a break.

qcr