Hi there, sorry I couldn't get to this yesterday.
I too am grappling with the uk system. A couple of points spring to mind. Please excuse the format, I'm just pushed for time right now
1. The generally courts are unwilling to move children if settled. This is a double edged sword for you... . the longer dd10 with you, the less likely she will be told to move back with mum... . but ditto dd4. Courts don't like splitting siblings, but if its already happened they are reluctant to change the status quo.
2. I'm glad you've got PR now as this gives you a stronger legal standing. In terms of the legal route, if you ex is pushing this, it's most likely more favourable for you anyway. In your position I would ask for the judge to order a section 7 "wishes and feelings report" on both children. This is done via cafcass; these are either social work or probation background and vary greatly in their capabilities. I thinks the closest equivalent people talk about on here is the custody evaluator. This has to be court ordered. The system can't cope with the pressure. It's usual to wait 12/16 weeks to be appointed a cafcass officer. Mine rang for a telephone interview the day before court! You have to be persistent and not allow yourself to be fobbed off. It took another 5 month to actually see and speak to the children( which they will do at school rather than their office if you request it, and I personally would advise if any hint that you are alienating the children, I did).
3. This is an extremely lengthy process. I am still mid courts nearly two years down the line. If dd10 needs council long find out what local resources there are try school nurse they usually know. Make sure sch are kept up to date with what is going on, supportive well written head teacher letters are very useful. Eg in my case saying i attended parent evenings, signed homework diaries, attend assemblies despite working and they never met dad. Is dd4 in reception yet?
Ensure you attend sch functions for dd4 although she doesn't live withyou.
4. What visiting arrangements with both parents are in place at the moment?... . remember the court process is long and the courts will be reluctant to change what's already been happening for the past few months
5. You have to be seen to be doing your upmost to facilitate contact with dd10 and mum. Unfortunately dd10 is in that grey area same as my son whereby if they do something illegal the courts will hold them to account as they are considered old enough to know right for wrong, but not old enough to decide that they no longer wish to have contact with a parent! It is a horrible position to be in, I feel for you. Cafcass have told me repeatedly that the children need to learn to trust dad ( having been assaulted by him). When I said " can I clarify you are telling me to encourage them to trust an untrustworthy person" they went silent! Why doesn't dd10 want to see mum? Courts will expect at least ongoing indirect contact ie letters,cards... . ditto from mum
6. The longer this goes on the more likely you are at looking at supervised contact in a contact centre for re introduction to dd4, so if you are able to get an informal arrangement going now, do it! It will be hard for mum to manipulate a longstanding pattern.
7. I'm unsure ofyourcircumstances, but if there's any hint of mum being abusive towards either child ring social services and get it logged... . unfortunately not a lot else will happen with it but your concerns will be on file and accessed by cafcass once section 7 ordered.
8. Read the pbooks splitting and divorce poison mentioned on this site
Sorry I've got to run now but will try and come back tonight to post, if you have questions In meantime add them to this thread. I've only recently come to realise what people mean on here when they say this is a marathon not a sprint, it really is. Get some support for yourself and focus on making your r.ship with both children as strong as poss. You CAN do this.
