Don't know what to do

[sheba1366]

I have a dd that is 27 and has moved in and out a few times with different boyfriends over the years. She has been back this time since July of 2012. She continues to be very difficult. I am very sick and my dr.'s are very concerned about the amount of stress I am under. Today my dd started an argument , like she always does, over nothing. She is constantly cutting or taking pills. Been in and out of hospital. I don't know how much more I can take. I sent her some info. on housing she can look into. I am waiting for things to get even worse now. I am too sick for this. I will even tell her to stop arguing cause I am too sick and she won't. She has done so many things to keep the house in such a mess.

Any suggestions? She is on disability for depression. But she got it based on a lie she told about me and her dad.

I need help. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Sheba,

Such a very hard time!      

My heart goes out to you... .  

Can you tell us more about your situation?

Is it just you and her, or are there any other family members that could help keep you separate, so you can relax more and have less stress?

Have you had any success so far in trying to end a conversation with your dd if it is getting our of control?

Is there a way for you to leave the room and go into a different part of your home where you can have some privacy when you need to?

You say she is on disability, does her situation include possible help with low-income housing?

Are you looking to try to let your dd move out on her own, or are you thinking of evicting her if need be?

Let us know, I do not personally have too much experience in trying to transition my loved one to live on their own, but others here have had similar situations... .     

[jellibeans]

sheba

I think you have made a good start... .  you have given her info on housing... .  have you stated a timeline you would like to see this move out happen? I won't try arguing and so on... .  ask her how you can assist or help her but that your health is not good and you think it would be better if she got her own place.

Now how do you think things will unfold? Do you think you will need to change the locks? Can you get some help from another family member to help her move out?

Try to not stress yourself too much... .  it is time you put your health first.  

[heronbird]

Ow no, this sounds a nightmare. Can I just ask you... .  Why did you have her back? sorry if that sounds stupid but it may be better to say no! was that not an option?

The other thing I thought when I read your post Sheba, was that I wondered if you had ever read anything that would help you to talk to your dd without conflict.

So, when your dd starts an argument over nothing, as they always do   it is good for you to take a step back, say nothing for a minute and ask yourself, what is she really upset about. When they are upset like that, there is no talking to them.

Honestly, this BPD really reminds me so much of toddler behaviour. If a toddler is having a screaming fit, there is no talking to them is there, you would try all sorts of things like distraction or discipline, maybe they will be sent to their room, but there is no talking to them, they cant hear you can they.

If you learn some strategies then you can keep your relationship and hopefully she move out too.

The book that changed my whole life really is Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. Im always going on about it. Its my second Bible I say, and when I tell people that, they say the same thing too. Its one of the only books written by a person who has a daughter with BPD as well as that she has a degree in psychology. People I have recommended it to have said it has helped them so much.

[sheba1366]

Thanks everyone for the help.

There are 4 of us at home. Me and my wonderful husband for 25 years, my younger daughter22 that has special needs and then my dd that is 27. She came back in July of last year after a break up. Again. She has been in and out a twice. We didn't want her to come back and was very worried about her coming home but the old guilt strings play on our hearts. We have lived with the guilt of having to be in and out of the hospital with her little sister and feeling like we "short changed" our oldest. But we have exhausted that whole idea and know without a doubt that we did nothing to make her this way. Even has a small child she was very manipulating. You would be amazed at what has happened since Sept. of last year. it is a wonder that I haven't been in the hospital yet from the stress. My youngest became very depressed once dd moved back home. The fighting started right away as always. When dd is not happy, no one else better even try to be. I would be begging her to stop fighting with me and asking her to please stop, I am sick. She will do her wonderful "roll of the eyes" and just keep at it. The stress of my illness and the fighting pushed my youngest into a severe depression and she became psychotic. She has a brain injury and is very delayed. We had to admit her in the hospital for 6 days due to the stress. Right after we brought her home from the hospital my dd decided to try another s*****e attempt. One of many in a few days. She called a hotline and they sent out someone to talk to her and then they called an ambulance to transport her to a hospital over an hour away, all after we just got our youngest out of the hospital, I was in the ER for severe exhaustion and dehydration. Our dd has to be the center of attention at all times, and will do some of the most hurtful things to make that happen. Right now her wrists, hands and arms are healing from another cutting episode. She will put these cuts in the most obvious places.

Sorry to go on and on. But I am so very tired. Almost ended up in the ER again today due to extreme fatigue. I have a motility disorder that keeps me from eating any solids and even liquids are very hard to get in. I also may be in autonomic failure and have to go to Vanderbilt Hospital in July to see if we can stop my failing health. My dr.'s are very worried about the amount of stress I am under.

I have sent my dd info about housing for those on disability. Her boyfriend is trying to find them a place so she doesn't have to live in " bad "neighborhoods. And to make it even better, he is an alcoholic and drug addict. Been in and out of rehab. Just reading this post has probably made you want to scream. I have found another therapist. Gave her the info and hope she uses it.

Thanks again for the support. I am hoping things get better for her . I love her dearly. But she has broken my heart so many times. I can't keep being her crutch.

[pessim-optimist]

 Hi Sheba,   

I am trying to understand exactly where you all are in this process.

It seems like there is so much stress that you are on the verge of collapse at times, and your younger one is suffering from this as well. What can you do to reduce the amount of stress for yourself right now?

How's your husband doing?

Am I right in observing that you came to the conclusion that you definitely need your dd to move out?

Do you have a plan as to how and when this is going to happen? (did you give her a date by which she needs to be out?)

[jellibeans]

I am not sure i understand what your health issues are... .  can I ask you if you have EDS? or POTS?

[sheba1366]

Thanks for the support everyone.

I have gastroparesis and dysautonomia. I go to Vanderbilt in July to see an autonomice specialist to see if my autonomic system is failing. Not diagnosed with EDS or POTS yet, but have been looking at this.

We haven't put a date on dd moving out but she is looking. She is walking around looking to start a fight every chance she gets. Walks by us and will draw up like we are going to do something to her. She is such a drama queen! She has accused us of abuse and that is one way she was able to get a judge to feel sorry for her and she was awarded disability. We didn't know this til she got her paper work in the mail awarding her, then my husband and I read in shock what the judge accused us of. Of course from hearing it from our dd. Talk about being thrown under the bus.

She won't speak to us very much right now. Which is fine with me. I am very sick. Today has been a little better, haven't passed out yet, so that is good. Stress really does hits me very hard and I will get very sick.

We are planning a small trip next week. I am sure she will not go, which is fine too. Vacations with her re a nightmare. We haven't been anywhere in years. SO hope she doesn't go. I know I must sound mean, but I am in need of a break so badly.

I am going to look at the info posted for parents on the board. Looks very helpful. Thanks everyone. Means so much to be able to talk about this without someone  judging us.

[nickyg]

My heart goes out to you.  I am reasonably new on here but have just had to take a hard line with my 23 year old daughter to tell her she's moving out.  I had to keep telling her because she wouldn't take me seriously.  Luckily I have a brother she can move in with. she also has a 3 year old son who I'm very concerned about. When I am down, her behavior is the worst. It has been so stressful and I know it can make you sick.  You need to take care of yourself and your family first I believe.  Are there any support agencies that can help you in your area.  It sounds like you need support.

Sending you healing and caring.   

nickyg

[pessim-optimist]

Hello sheba,

that trip sounds good!  

[sheba1366]

I can't wait to leave on our trip. DD said she wasn't going, she wants to stay here and enjoy the house to herself... . and her on again off again boyfriend. I was looking at apartments that I know she could afford if she tried, but she has no desire to give up her free ride. I contacted a therapist and she said she would help me help her to get out on her own. I can't understand how a 27 year old woman would not want a place of her own. She is so immature emotionally. Her boyfriend is in trouble again and she is seeing once again he is not reliable, so now she is depressed, rocking back and forth on her bed... .  she does that. The other day we ended up in a fuss. I was so sick that night. But I got very angry. I don't normally do that but I will never let her make me feel like a bad mother or that her dad is a bad dad. Her dad walked past her in the kitchen and she drew back from him like he is going to hit her or something. My goodness, talk about DRAMA. I asked her why did she do that? She said she doesn't like to be close to people, she has all kinds of phobias. I told her that her life has been so pampered by us. She doesn't know what it is like to have a bad mother or father. I was so upset. I ended up having to just stop cause my throat was killing me. And what does , balls up in a blanket on the floor beside her bed. She knew we would come in to check on her, so she has to set up the most dramatic scene she could. These games are so predictable. And then the next morning I became very, very sick. The pain I have from my stomach and colon not working is extremely painful. I had ate some bread Friday and because of the stress I was under from fighting with her again, my pain was beyond a `10. I almost called 911 cause I was afraid of having a heart attack from the pain. It was the worst pain day I have ever had since being sick the last 2 and a half years. I had to call my mother to come and help me. My husband was on duty at the fire station and couldn't get home. SO I barely can walk into my DD's room and ask her for help. She acted like I was no one special and did do what I asked her to do, but no compassion what so ever. Not til the next day when she finally was in a good mood again cause of her boyfriend being nice and "sober".

It is a wonder I have not had a heart attack. My blood pressure was very high and so was my heart rate from the pain and stress. Then later that day, after the pain eased a little, she comes into the livingroom where I was resting and starts crying .Trying to get some pity from me. I am thinking, did she not just see me dying in pain here. Didn't she even see I was dying in pain. Talking is very hard to do cause the movement of the diaphragm on my stomach makes the pain even worse, had to breath very shallow to try and keep the pain from being worse, And yet, she told me" Well , you told me if I needed to talk to come talk to you". I am thinking, what does she say to herself constantly upset me. I am beyond worn out. I want her to try and be an adult and move on. I can't keep doing this. I had one psych. that was helping my youngest deal with the stress of her sister... .  he said take you oldest daughter to a shelter, get her out. I am one step close to doing that. This daughter of mine is one of the most selfish people I have ever known in my life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders