Question About Gaining Custody

[BPDdaddy]

I didn't want to be in this part of the forum, but it is now looking like the best thing I can do is to gain advice about how I can best protect my children. 

My wife went BPD on me about 4 months ago, and I have been nothing but supportive through the separation.  This has enabled her to become more crazy than she has ever been before, I now realize.  The real problem is with my son.  He is 3 and 1/2 now, and for the past 4 months has had to go to the hospital on numerous occasions because he is constantly sick.  The first time it was a fever for two weeks, and then pneumonia.  Then he has been throwing up with fevers of and on throughout this ordeal.  Just a few days ago, he caught pneumonia again,  and the problem is that he is razor thin--like my wife now--and hobbles when he walks.  She doesn't seem to have any empathy for him, and it is affecting him severely.  He is being undernourished (I can never find any good food in the house when I show up to visit), but because my wife is in a severe state of denial to anything that I say, she will not acknowledge this--even though he is almost a skeleton.  What do I do in this situation, and how can I gain sole custody of the children?  I want to call CPS, but I'm sure that she will create a new level of crazy if I do, and we are not entirely no contact yet, so she does have some leverage to do this.  She is undiagnosed, but is very unstable right now.  Does anyone have an experience with this that could help me figure out how to get my kids out of an unsafe environment before its too late? 

[Waddams]

First, I'm so sorry, for you and your son.  You're right in that you need to find a way to help him.

I can think of a bunch of things to start with, but it's really more questions.  Do you have a lawyer?  If so, can you get some legal advice?  Maybe see a lawyer, outline your concerns and suspicions, and get advice for how to effectively engage the legal system, cops, CPS, etc.

I would also say to call CPS and take a "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" attitude regarding how your wife.  Get together all the documentation you can of her condition, and his condition, and go make a report.  Set yourself up some boundaries that will limit how her reaction can impact you.

Next, sometimes you can get the cops to do what is called a "wellness check".  Just tell them you are concerned for your son's well being and ask them to perform a wellness check on him.  Don't warn your wife.  And be close by, if the cops determine something is really wrong, you can be close by to show up and get him.

Are there any court orders?  If not, nothing is stopping you from getting him next time he's with you.  Maybe I'm a bit more militant than most, but I think if I thought my son was in genuine trouble at his mom's, I'd be there in a heartbeat to get him out, legalities be d*mned.  I'd get him on a visit, take him out to eat or something just you and him, and just not give him back if there were no orders that said I had to.  Then I'd find friends/family/etc. to help me with childcare, etc. when I had to work, or whatever I had to do. 

Oh, and take witnesses.  Bring a friend, record her on a small digital sound recorder you can hide on your person, etc. Create documentation.

[momtara]

I'm sorry about this situation.  As a mom, it is turning my stomach.

A word about CPS.  It varies from state to state, but you have to think before getting them involved.  They are not judges, and they may not do exactly what you want them to do.  You should really talk to a good lawyer first.  Many family lawyers will give free consultations.  A good lawyer will give you the pluses and minuses of doing so.  In my state, once CPS is in your life, it can be hard to get rid of them, according to 2 lawyers I've talked to.  This may be in your favor, perhaps even in your son's favor, or it could be to your detriment in the future if you don't want them meddling and snooping in your life someday.  It may help your case to act fast... .  but talk to a lawyer first.

Also, if you read around here, you'll learn that it is hard to get full custody in many states.  Even people who's spouse is a druggie can't always do it - states support the other spouse having some visitation (even unsupervised).  It's hard to prove someone unstable.  But you may be able to get more custody than she can have.  It all depends on what you can prove.  Just don't rush into anything without talking to a lawyer.

Those are my initial thoughts.  I am not a lawyer or expert, just a mom on her first divorce (and still wondering if it's the right thing to do!)

My opinion differs from the poster before me.  Taking him away will create a distrust that can come back to haunt you.  You don't want her filing a restraining order against you or anything ridiculous like that, just to get you back.  It seems like he's not in life-or-death danger right now, unless he's really starving or can't breathe.  

On the other hand, if he could get sick again because he's not eating, you do have to act fast.  I'd say call a few lawyers.  Find some family lawyers on the 'net for free consulations.  They know best.

CPS, in the end, may help your case if they barge in and see your wife acting unstable and your kid malnourished.  The time to act may be now.   But talk to some lawyers - fast.

[ForeverDad]

I can think of a bunch of things to start with, but it's really more questions.  Do you have a lawyer?  If so, can you get some legal advice?  Maybe see a lawyer, outline your concerns and suspicions, and get advice for how to effectively engage the legal system, cops, CPS, etc.

I would also say to call CPS and take a "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" attitude regarding how your wife.  Get together all the documentation you can of her condition, and his condition, and go make a report.  Set yourself up some boundaries that will limit how her reaction can impact you.

Next, sometimes you can get the cops to do what is called a "wellness check".  Just tell them you are concerned for your son's well being and ask them to perform a wellness check on him.  Don't warn your wife.  And be close by, if the cops determine something is really wrong, you can be close by to show up and get him.

Are there any court orders?  If not, nothing is stopping you from getting him next time he's with you.  Maybe I'm a bit more militant than most, but I think if I thought my son was in genuine trouble at his mom's, I'd be there in a heartbeat to get him out, legalities be d*mned.  I'd get him on a visit, take him out to eat or something just you and him, and just not give him back if there were no orders that said I had to.  Then I'd find friends/family/etc. to help me with childcare, etc. when I had to work, or whatever I had to do. 

Oh, and take witnesses.  Bring a friend, record her on a small digital sound recorder you can hide on your person, etc. Create documentation.

What you are reporting is NEGLECT.  There are two reasons for a parent to have parenting restricted, substantive abuse or substantive neglect.  If there's not enough food in the house and he's becoming emaciated and prone to illness, then that's not just a thin child.  Especially not if there are medical records documenting he gained weight while hospitalized, then lost it again.

Don't warn her.  Don't say, "If you don't feed him more or get more food in the house I'll report you."  No, besides it likely only getting a negative overreaction, the time for warnings is long past and won't fix the problem anyway.  If you warned her and if she even listened and responded positively, eventually she would go back to her old patterns.

Do report the situation to CPS or social services.  Or perhaps it would be better if you took him to his pediatrician and reported your concerns then the doctor (who is mandated to report suspected child abuse or neglect) could do so.  That would add authoritative weight to the report if his pediatrician did it rather than you.

Are you able to take photos of her food supplies, cupboards, pantries, etc - without getting her attention?

Meanwhile, I'd suggest you also get copies of his medical records.  Recording height and weight are standard in nearly every visit.

And be prepared to weather her counterclaims that her not feed the child is your fault because you don't gift her enough money or whatever.  That's no excuse.

Seeking custody through a long divorce or court custody process could take a very, very long time.  Getting custody, even temporary custody, due to the child's neglect while in her care, would be much quicker and more empowering for you as a parent.  But as everyone recommends try to get a lawyer involved ASAP in case the lawyer has local advice and guidance on how best to proceed.

Because you're likely not a doctor or a trained medical professional, you can't "play doctor".  So be aware of what you're dealing with even if you can't present a likely "diagnosis".  However, besides BPD have you educated yourself about "Munchausen's by Proxy"?  Could it be more than just neglect, is she making him ill?

[livednlearned]

Maybe I'm a bit more militant than most, but I think if I thought my son was in genuine trouble at his mom's, I'd be there in a heartbeat to get him out, legalities be d*mned.  I'd get him on a visit, take him out to eat or something just you and him, and just not give him back if there were no orders that said I had to.  Then I'd find friends/family/etc. to help me with childcare, etc. when I had to work, or whatever I had to do. 

Definitely get a lawyer.

Ask what will happen if you remove your child from her care, citing serious health issues. If you have a serious, substantiated concern, the courts will see your actions as necessary, even though your ex can raise holy legal h@ll. Take pictures of your son, and take him to see the doctor and have him weighed. Have them answer your questions about the neglect issues so that they are documented.

[momtara]

I've heard that CPS will check to see if there's food in the house, so definitely mention that to them if you do call them. 

[marbleloser]

All good advice! Get third party documentation at all costs.Otherwise,it's he said/she said.

Lawyer up.Tell them your concern.It'll be up to you to make the decisions about your kid.The lawyer will likely only tell you what's legal and not.Don't expect the lawyer to make decisions for you.

CPS will remove the child if he's malnourished.Yes,they'll check for food in the home and will see how clean the living area is.If he's malnourished,regardless if you get him or not,it's in his best interest to be removed.There's no reason for a child to be hungry in the US.

Get him to a pediatrician if nothing else,so they can evaluate him.

[catnap]

In certain areas, CPS calls the person and advises them of when they plan to visit--giving the person time to clean up, get food in the home, etc.

Talk to an attorney and get your son asap to his pediatrician. 

Is she taking him to the same hospital or medical facility?  One of the things some of them do is take them to different hospitals or urgent care facilities, so the medical personnel cannot detect there is an ongoing weight loss, or repeated illness, etc. 

[marbleloser]

"In certain areas, CPS calls the person and advises them of when they plan to visit--giving the person time to clean up, get food in the home, etc"

This is true and happened in stbx's case.She wouldn't answer her phone,so they even left a note on her door telling her they were coming.

[Matt]

Yeah, good inputs from everybody.

Definitely talk to at least one attorney.  You can talk to as many as you want - some give a free initial consultation - before deciding.

And definitely find out how to get temporary orders in place as soon as possible.  Ask for primary customer, with supervised visitation for his mom - you may not get it, but it will communicate that you are ready and able to be the primary parent, and that you have serious concerns about his well-being when he is in her care.