I can't stop crying

[ravenstar]

My dd14 was just diagnosed 2 months ago... . she's had two suicide attempts in the past year, was hospitalized last month for 2 weeks and is using drugs and hanging out with dangerous people... . now says she doesn't want to do therapy (DBT) This past year has been hell.

I'm losing my daughter... .  I'm a single mom and it's just her and I. Her father committed suicide when she was a baby. The therapist says all of this has triggered my PTSD and grief issues.

I can't handle any more loss... . I'm a mess... .  I can't even try to be the strong one and hep her right now... . I'm seriously f'ed up.

In Canada... . all treatment is voluntary... .  I can't make her go anywhere, or do anything. I'm at the end of my rope... .  

The pain of watching her slip deeper and deeper and farther away is too much

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am so sorry my dear.  The mother in me is sending good wishes and good thoughts your way. 

I have a couple of suggestions.  I am not sure about the Canadian laws however, I believe that the following avenues are worth exploring.  First, the primary objective here is to keep her safe... .  physically safe that is.  Treatment can only follow if her safety is assured.  Forced treatment does not work... .  however, strict residential programs may be the right choice in her case.

A 14 year old is not considered a legal adult so perhaps voluntary treatment option does not apply.  Perhaps if you could go the legal route and declare her incorrigible.  She seems to be a danger to herself and possibly should be in an institution.

Can you approach the social services and get her an attorney or GAL who can help navigate the legal system and get her residential treatment this way?  This does not mean that you are giving up your parental rights... .  this just means that you enlist a complete legal system as her ally, so you are not alone in battling this disease.

I hope others have a more precise input.

Sending hugs and prayers.

[heronbird]

Hi,

Oh so sorry to hear your story ravenstar. Glad you are here though, it will help a lot.

Have you any other support? Its not good if you feel isolated and unsupported.

I came to the conclusion that I would have to be the DBT or MBT specialist for my dd as she too refused to go to therapy. We live in UK. In fact, after a year of constant suicide attempts her psychologist told me that her prognosis was very bad, I too felt that.

I mean, I thought how many times can you dice with death without dying.

I found a book that helped me a lot called Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. I had read 6 books on BPD when we got the diagnosis but this was the best one and so helpful, written by a mum, like me so she knew what it was really like, she was not a clinician, most of the other books are written by professionals not family members.

If your dd is seriously depressed then they will keep her in hospital, she is under 18 so they should help her more.

I hope things get better, I know they often do.

Keep us posted

[nickyg]

Hi there,

This is such a difficult illness to deal with.  I feel for you and what you are going through.

I'm a single Mum of an undiagnosed daughter 23 and have been very depressed and fed up myself.  I know it is hard but I think we have to also look after ourselves by nurturing our emotional, spiritual and physical well-being. Do you find time for yourself each day?  I'm also on anti-depressants which have helped me greatly.

Sending you caring and understanding.

Nickyg  

[Reality]

Dear ravenstar,

I love your name.

I live in Canada, in Toronto.  Where are you?  I wonder if we live close to each other.  If you want to contact me, you can pm me. 

I am confused as I thought the age was 18.  In fact, I am almost certain that you have clear rights as a parent still.

Google Pine River Institute.  It is covered by OHIP.  It is a truly amazing place.  We lost our son because we coudn't find a diagnosis; however, if I had had the diagnosis and also had known about Pine River, I think there is a good chance that he would be alive and thriving now.

Your situation is very difficult, but please know that you have lots of support here and there are many stories of recovery and huge improvement.  My case is not the norm here.

Please post all of your concerns in detail and we will do our best to help you.  Take very good care of yourself.  Be gentle to your self.  What would soothe you?  Even a nice cup of tea can help.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Reality

[jellibeans]

dear ravenstar

It must be hard to be a single mom... .  having a dd with BPD is tough going for sure and I think it is important to remember there are going to be days when you feel down and not know what to do. We all ride that roller coaster and depending on the day things can be good and then there are the days things are just plain unbearable. Try to remember that... .  it is important to believe there is always hope for your dd.

Overcoming Borderline by Valerie Porr is like the bible to me too... .  please this get this book and it will help give you some skills to help you.

Is there anyone at her school that can help her? Any services there?

Have you looked online for help in your area? Hopefully you are in a big city... .  Reality has given you some good advice... .  please look into the residential treatment center for her. Is she on any meds? Is she seeing a therapist?

I am Canadian too but live in texas... .  but i think the cup of tea suggestion is what my mom always tells me to do... .  please know that there are many on this site that can help... .  stay hopeful and take it a day at a time... .    

[jellibeans]

here is a group in canada... .  www.sashbear.org

[griz]

Dear Ravenstar:  I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you.  I am not a single mom and even with my dh this illness can make life almost unbearable.  I also came into BPD having many issues in my life prior so this was just one more straw on the camels back.  There were times when I literaly couldn't stop crying and felt like I had reached the end.  Be gentle with yourself.  You are dealing with alot.  Is there anyone else in your life that can help give you support.  Someone in my life once gave me very good advice.  Advice that I always remember.  She had a child with very special needs and life could get overwhelming but she always seemed to be handling it well. So when my DD's issues started I asked her how she did it and she told me this simple thing... .  "always keep your eye on the ball".  I asked her what she meant and she told me to try to always stay focused on what my goal was and that was to help DD.  It is okay to have a good cry, it is okay to feel overwhelmed, it is okay to stop everything and take care of me but in the end she told me to "always keep my eye on the ball". 

This may sound simple but it has helped me tremendously.  Once in a while I allow myself a good cry. I call them "pity parties" and once I am done I remind myself to get back in the game.  Everyone on this board is here for you.  We all have the same highs and lows. We all experience the same emotions, so remember that we are here.  I am sending you a great big warm hug with lots of love and support and as always the hope that one day our beautiful children will get better.

Griz

[ravenstar]

Thank you all... .   

I did look at Pine River a few months back - but that was before the diagnosis... . there's a one year waiting period - but maybe I can push that. The docs and therapists are less than helpful right now and I can't figure out why.(?) Seems they have to be actively suicidal before anyone does anything. (?) She is a mess... .  I am a mess.

I'm in St. Catharines... .  

The legal rights are dicey - but if I could afford a lawyer I could probably get her in a locked facility for at least 6 months. She is non-compliant at the moment and can play the game - she knows how to bs the therapists and docs to get her own way. I think I may have to get the legal system involved... .  somehow though.

I'm very angry today... .  she is using me as her verbal punching bag (not just today... . all the time... . and I'm just getting very fed up with it) She won't go to school, she won't even get out of bed and when she does all she does is b**ch at me... .  or go out and do drugs. Police are sick of me calling... . I take her to the hospital and since she won't say she's suicidal they release her. and I'm the bad guy... .  again.

I don't feel like anyone is hearing me... .  how loud do I have to scream to get some help?

I'm the one who's going to end up in the psych ward at this point... .  it's never-ending, and since she won't go to school I don't even have a few hours to myself... .  the home is so thick with tension I can barely breathe.

Gaaaahhh! I'm whining... .  I hate whining.

[Reality]

ravenstar,

You are lucky you are near Pine River.  It is an exceptional facility.  I have visited it myself and talked with one of the co-founders.  It is brilliant.  I recommend you put your daughter's name on the waiting list.  They deal exclusively with young people with problematic substance use, who are de-railed from school, from family, from all that is good.  The success rate is 80% full functionality two years after the young people have left Pine River.  These results are documented in research by a York University professor.  The people who work there are all brilliant, kind and firm.  After the two month wilderness program, the young person is given the opportunity to catch up in school.  The stay is from 12 to 14 months.  My favorite part is the focus on nutrition.  The food is beyond delicious!  I ate there with friends and we all loved the food! 

Pine River doesn't use the BPD diagnosis, but trust me, these are the same kids.  I met two of them and they are highly sensitive and have suffered some terrible trauma, like your daughter losing her father.

Hospitalizations often are not recommended for young people with BPD, for the very reasons you mention. 

Your daughter looks like she is just acting out; however, there are good reasons for her behavior.  Read Valerie Porr, as others suggested. 

Take very good care of yourself.  You are not whining.  You are describing a very difficult situation.  Trust your instincts.  Ask any questions you have.  Tell us all your trials.  We all understand. 

With the proper treatment and support for you, your daughter can get better. 

Opinions,

From Reality

[ravenstar]

How do you get the professionals to listen?  any advice on that? Because I hear a lot of 'therapy' words and stick in there... .  etc... . but no ACTION.

A day here is like a month... .  and I'm frightened I'm going to snap and end up in the hospital myself... . then who takes care of her... . who advocates? I have no faith in the Family and Childrens services here - not from what I've heard.

My daughter is good at presenting as fairly healthy - but I see the real side... .  and it seems like the pro's sort of brush off what I'm telling them - it's extremely frustrating.

I can't bury my kid. I JUST CAN'T.

I have the package for Pine River... . need to fill it out. Wait list is 9 months to a year (with subsidy - without its over $400 a DAY  eeeek) but it still costs $645 a month (I can do it if I'm not putting out the myriad of fires here at home... . I'll work two jobs, whatever.) Can we wait 9 months? Or will it be too late for her? I've been trying to get her help for a year now... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

We have all been in the same situation where we feel so not listened to. I find that so hard so I understand what you mean when you ask how do you get the professionals to listen.

I was not listened to for years, they told me that her self harm was only superficial, how can any self harm be superficial    

especially at the age of 13, come on  

BPD cant wait, thats what I think. How can 9 months wait be ok. They need help immediately. My other issue is, when they ask for help they need it soon, by the time they offer us proper help then they have changed their minds and dont feel they need it.

I have now managed to get many good contacts of people who are in charge in my area, I email them or have meetings with them and things seems to get better. I wrote to my MP complaining about the waiting times in A&E. He went into the hospital to investigate for me. i dont know if you can do anything like that.

I hope things get better soon

[pallavirajsinghani]

I wrote to my MP complaining about the waiting times in A&E. He went into the hospital to investigate for me. i dont know if you can do anything like that.

I think that this is a great idea.  Become your child's own advocate.  Write to your local senator, politicians, all the powers that be.  How about the doctors, can they push some buttons?  Many times the doctors have their own personal areas of influence and it can shorten the wait time.

Just an idea.  I am clutching at straws here.  Anyone else?

[lbjnltx]

Hello ravenstar,

Your fears and your frustrations with the system are understandable, as heronbird states... .  we've all been there.

As you explore the system and look for treatment, as you get from one day to the next, it is important to learn as much as you can about BPD, effective treatment,  and communication skills.  It is important to learn how to advocate for your d14.

To be able to do all these things you must practice self care as Reality points out. 

We cannot take care of anyone else unless we are taking care of ourselves.

The most important thing you can teach your child is to care about self. You can do this by being a living example to her.

This may seem like an impossible task in the moment, it may even seem counterintuitive. You have entered a race, it is not a sprint, it is a marathon.  Marathons require proper care of self to reach the finish line. 

What kind of self care do you practice daily?  Do you feel and believe that you are in control of yourself and your life?

If not, please take the time to read this:

Boundaries:  Living our Values   

Let us know what you think about this information.  We are all here to learn together and to uplift one another.

lbjnltx

[Reality]

ravenstar,

Do not be concerned about the police being tired of dealing with your daughter.  If you need their help, so be it.  The mental health system is not the best here in Canada, so you do what you ave to do. 

There is a tiny BPD clinic at CAMH in Toronto.  There is also an emergency at CAMH, just so you know. 

Some ideas... .  

Reality

[ravenstar]

Thank you all... .  ALL of the information is great and I'm trying to practice. The self-care is hard but the analogy of the marathon rings true to me. I did cut something out of my life that was taking a lot of my energy (some volunteer work I was doing) it's something that isn't energizing me right now... .  I can go back to my volunteer work later... . right now it's too much. So, that's a start.

I didn't know about CAMH    thanks

I was surprised my mental health team didn't know about Pine River... .  (?) I'm going to advocate for it... . and I think going to my MPP might be one avenue to pursue, as well as the psychiatrist. I may also go and speak with whatever public relations/youth person/sargeant, whoever at the police station to get some support there... .  she also ha a minor charge (shoplifting) coming up... .  they want to give her a chance to have her charge dropped because of her 'youth'. She's not remorseful, at all... .  Soo, I'm thinking about maybe scrapping that idea (she's messing it up anyway), have her convicted and use that as well - see what the prosecution and judge can do to help get her some help.

I have a friend who works for Family and Children's services here... . she's not in that system yet - but this friend is advising me about that avenue as well... .  they know more about family law than anyone... .  except maybe a lawyer.  That would be a last resort, of course.

all your help and advice is deeply appreciated... .  it's easy to feel alone in this and you have really helped by reminding me I'm not

HUGE hugs!

[pallavirajsinghani]

I was surprised my mental health team didn't know about Pine River... .  (?) I'm going to advocate for it... . and I think going to my MPP might be one avenue to pursue, as well as the psychiatrist. I may also go and speak with whatever public relations/youth person/sargeant, whoever at the police station to get some support there... .  she also ha a minor charge (shoplifting) coming up... .  they want to give her a chance to have her charge dropped because of her 'youth'. She's not remorseful, at all... .  Soo, I'm thinking about maybe scrapping that idea (she's messing it up anyway), have her convicted and use that as well - see what the prosecution and judge can do to help get her some help.

I have a friend who works for Family and Children's services here... . she's not in that system yet - but this friend is advising me about that avenue as well... .  they know more about family law than anyone... .  except maybe a lawyer.  That would be a last resort, of course.

Saffron is the color of hope in my culture. 

Your strategy seems to be right on the dot.  Many times we prevent our beloved BPD sufferers from suffering from the consequences of their own behavior out of loyalty and love.  It seems that it has the opposite effect.  It gives them an overt permission from their loved ones and society at large that their behavior is acceptable.  Why then should they change it?

By letting her fall, you are creating awareness in the entire "system" that this child needs help.  Not letting the charge drop, the documented behavioral pattern... .  documented and witnessed not just by you, but by others... .  especially by the ones who have the authority and charge... .  ultimately may be helpful in getting her the right help.  She may benefit from being institutionalized.  Which, by the way, is not a stigma.  Mental disorder no longer is a stigma.  It is a disease and with the right clinical intervention, can be managed (sometimes cured, mostly managed).

Your emotional, financial and physical energy needs to used for navigating the "systems".  The systems of help are in place... .  now it is a situation of how to access these systems.  This is the optimum use of your energies and the most effective expression of your love.

In order to do this well, you will have to let go of the guilt that occurs in one when one is taking care of oneself.  Taking care does not mean shopping binges and vacations... .  taking care means creating a strong and secure fundamental personal wellness system of supportive friends and family, of good health, of stable financial resources.

Take care my friend, we all are rooting for you (and your child).\

God bless.

[vivekananda]

Hi ravenstar  

I have just read your posts and it seems you have felt that overwhelming feeling of needing to do everything you can immediately and the powerlessness of working with a system that doesn't seem to respond. Meanwhile there is the hurt from the anger you cope with from your dd. If ever there was need for you to practice self compassion, it is now, don't you think?

I understand that it is a frenetic chaos of sorts for you at the moment, but I want to point out to you that you are in such a good place for an opportunity to grasp the situation and help create the right environment for your dd's health and well being. She is young. You may feel powerless, but you are not. She is at the right time to be able benefit from a therapeutic environment. You have a window of opportunity where you can be actively involved in her life for about 4 years or more, and you can continue to do much to help in this time.

So, while it feels bad, please accept that I believe that time is on your side. Yes, it is a marathon, so let's also look at the long term.

I would like to suggest that while you are working on trying to bend the system to your will, you arm yourself with a few tools.

1. So far Valerie Porr's book ("Overcoming BPD" which is such a help to us, is highly recommended as a start to learning about BPD(jellibeans suggested it to you too).

2. lbjnltx suggested you arm yourself with information about boundaries (see her link to an article to help explain), I consider boundaries are the first tool in our tool box.

3. The second tool is Validation - for the moment begin to learn from Porr's chapter on validation - there are other books and articles here on the site that can help too.  

4. Keep us all updated on how it is going and participate with us here on the boards - easiest way to learn I reckon.  

Vivek