Taking a compliment

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We just had an argument over the fact that my BPD bf feels "uncomfortable" and finds it weird and superficial when I tell him the things I find attractive about him. He seems to have no self-esteem and I have always been very vocal about expressing my admiration for him, that is my nature. In the courting phase, it seemed fine. He would echo back many compliments towards me, but now he says he never liked it. He also has no interest in any kind of sex or romance. In the beginning, he had a healthy interest in sex, but at some point he started to have trouble and he gradually stopped approaching me altogether. My attraction and interest in him has never waned, but I have lost confidence in myself because I feel like I have to beg for his attention. Has anyone else gone through something similar?

[mary_sunshine]

We just had an argument over the fact that my BPD bf feels "uncomfortable" and finds it weird and superficial when I tell him the things I find attractive about him. He seems to have no self-esteem and I have always been very vocal about expressing my admiration for him, that is my nature. In the courting phase, it seemed fine. He would echo back many compliments towards me, but now he says he never liked it. He also has no interest in any kind of sex or romance. In the beginning, he had a healthy interest in sex, but at some point he started to have trouble and he gradually stopped approaching me altogether. My attraction and interest in him has never waned, but I have lost confidence in myself because I feel like I have to beg for his attention. Has anyone else gone through something similar?

[patientandclear]

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

My ex is/was extraordinarily uncomfortable with compliments.  At the beginning, he seemed to like that I had a hard regard for him, but fairly soon that switched to him questioning my judgment and saying I was "naive" because I had a good opinion of him.

Similarly with sex.  He was very physically proficient and very sweet with me, which I at first mistook for enthusiasm for sex.  I later figured out, after I learned more about his affairs with other women before me, that he has incredible anxiety about sex, no doubt stemming from the sexual abuse he endured as a teenager.  He also didn't want to be held at night after sex -- he couldn't sleep touching anyone, he said (though we did -- he acted counter to these feelings he said he had enough times that I didn't take it as seriously as I should have).

Intimacy and vulnerability are so very very hard for them.   :'(

[bruceli]

Person's with BPD enjoy the chase, however once caught, the excitment is gone.  The relationship begins to go down the road of intimacy and their fears set in.

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks Patientandclear. It helps to hear about others experiencing the same sort of thing. It all is so surreal. I have had many relationships and this one started off more romantic than any other and quickly became more disconnected and frustrating than any other. There is very little sex, very little romance, very little emotional support (from his end), very few things we can enjoy together, no financial contribution to our living expenses (on his part), no dates (except on VERY special occasions). He has told me that I could never come before his friends or his work.  When I told him I should, he went crazy and said he wouldn't give those things up for me. He doesn't understand that I would NEVER ask him to give up his friends or his job, and that making me his top priority does not mean he has to give up everything else!

Sometimes I feel like I have Stockholm Syndrome, because when he pays attention to me or does even the littlest nice thing for me, like agreeing to watch a tv show with me that I like... .  I feel THRILLED and so grateful. I guess that is pretty pathetic, huh?

[patientandclear]

I know exactly what you mean about gratitude for things that ought to go without saying in a loving r/s.

When my ex suddenly decided to leave town after we'd worked hard to reestablish what I thought was a valuable, trusting, intimate friendship after our breakup & a long NC period, I was so torn up.  Then he announced he'd decided he'd travel for a bit and then return here, to our city.  I was just flooded with this feeling of joy & relief ... .  because he wasn't going to hurt me like it had seemed like he was going to hurt me.  I finally really get the Stockholm Syndrome dynamic: you're so grateful that the pain is stopping that you mistake that for kindness and love.

[Mightyhammers]

My ex would not take compliments – I could say a million nice things to her and she wouldn’t listen, say one thing that she would perceive as being out of line though and there was hell to pay

[mcc503764]

I like to think I'm a nice guy and treat women right... .  Having said that, I would bring my xBPD flowers, shower her with gifts, and constantly do a number of things for her to show her how I felt.

She would dismiss them, belittle them, or tell me how she felt "undeserving" of them... .    This would obviously make me try harder.  You guessed it, the harder I'd try, the more she would pull away... .  talk about a cycle of madness!

It still hurts me to this day!

MCC

[Gimme Peace]

He doesn't take compliments well and reacts with "complete surprise" when I say something nice about his looks or something nice he did. He doesn't believe that he deserves the compliments, it's part of the toxic shame.