I think I am finally out of hope, faith, determination...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well... .  I haven't been active much lately.  I went and looked at my profile from when I first signed on, which was December 2011.  I had stated at that time that we had recycled soo many times I lost count but I was hoping to make this the final break.

And here I am, April 2013.

Only this time... .  I think I am finally out of Hope, Faith, Determination to make this work and blah, blah.

I think I finally endured enough kicks in the face while down on the ground... .  not literally, although,

there was a time frame of violence... .  which was manini (minor) compared to the emotional and psychological abuse I ALLOWED to happen.  What Ever made me think I was such a tough chick?

I did learn alot from this site though... .  and at that time, I started putting up Boundaries.

Boy, did that feel like it backfired and knock me on my behind!  Things really intensified!  That's when physical violence actually came into the picture.  So, of course, I backed down on my boundaries that were Obvious (to him)... .  and slowly eased into it.  I did manage to get him out of my home.  Then my grown son's made it clear to him to stay clear away from the property.

Every time I tried to make the break... .  he would HOUND me.  If I blocked his phone number, only the calls were blocked, but not the text.  Hence, the beginning of the text wars cuz I just couldn't resist reading what he wrote, which of course infuriated me with the outrageous lying and fabrications... .  and trying to get [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] from him and reason the truth of reality to him.  If I did manage to exert some self control and Not read his texts Or email... .  he'd come find me.  He broke into my house when he knew my sons' weren't home, he'd slip into my room and beg.

Or he'd show up at my jobsite, begging and pleading and frankly, I was hurting too and the easiest thing to do... .  was seek comfort.  And the cycle would begin again.  

All I can say right now... .  was for some damn dumb reason... .  I had to keep banging my head against this brick wall (trying to express my needs and wants was talking to a brick wall)... .  but maybe I am so stubborn headed that I needed to beat it almost to a pulp before real survival kicked in and my three sons (all adults, one with mental retardation) told me... .  If you can't do this for yourself, we will and we are here to tell you, HE is NOT allowed on our property and (believe this or not) We forbid you from seeing him!  Hunh?  How stupid and low does one have to get before your own children are scolding you like that?  We love you mom and we are going to save you from yourself!

I raised my boys to be non-violent.  They never even really had water guns (and no, they didn't use sticks to pretend to have swords or guns) it just wasn't in our repitiore.  But, once my EXBPDbf layed a hand on me, that was their final straw.  They had "tolerated" him out of respect for Ma... .  but That... .  they cannot... .  even if I was too stupid to let him cross that boundary.

My final boundary was another female.  His "hanai" (taken on as family) sister... .  who in a not very sisterly way, had told him one time she wanted to XX-rated.  He told me this and broke contact with her for over a year cuz it was just too creepy for him (she's not his physical type)

So, here I am... .  just found out Mom has cancer, taxes reamed me this year, my middle boy with disabilites is having significant medical issues, I'm overworked with work (thank goodness, for to pay the taxes!), just started really experiencing menopause (now I know what real hotflashes are), trying to wean off anti-depressants so that I can sign life insurance policies and be able to say I have had no prescriptions within an XX amount of time... .  just STRUGGLING... .  and of course, NO EMOTIONAL support and him whining about his "pressures" (he doesn't work, outright owns a home on this awesome island, but yeah, suffers with mental issues, serious paranoid delusions to name one)  THEN... .  when I complain about him not being supportive and try explain how deeply stressed and worried and hurt I am... .  he moves his hanai sister in with him... .  who, happens to be a chronic ice head who tried to break her mom's neck a year ago and was talking all x-rated to him.  NOT exactly the kind of person I wanna get to know... .  or think he needs in his life.  SO... .  that's that.  He's made his choice.

He chooses No Treatment for his mental issues (he thinks sheer will power will do it) He chooses to stay in his old lifestyle versus moving forward in the life we planned... .  and he inappropriately moved a female into his home.  I know alot of details have been left out... .  but I guess part of what I am trying to say is----this was the final straw.  I kept wondering for years... .  what is it going to take?  What will be the final straw... .  as I kept accepting injustices (you'd think physical violence woulda done it huh?)

I knew the day would come when it would finally just be done.

NOT that I'm not sobbing, pissed, hurt, outraged etc... .  

But I know I will never lie down with him again... .  no matter how great that was (well, most of the time, there were violations in that bed too)

I am a stubborn woman.  Always has been, just ask my mom.  For the most part, it hasn't worked for me... .  like being so stubborn that I was NOT going to let this RS fail.  Other times it has worked for me... .  like raising a significantly disabled son for these past 22 years.

Now I gotta make it work again... .  and stay stubborn and firm and finally put an end to ALL contact with this man and even all contact in my head... .  no ruminations.  I think I did that since December 2011.  I guess another facet to the "what's your final straw" is that while there's talk about the Process's... .  the steps... .  sometimes it can be like doing the Two Step... .  only to find it's more like One Two... .  and a half.  (from a yankee to you southerners!)  It's the 'ol two steps forward, one step back... .  or like the doggie tracks I saw in the sand today for my sunset walk and swim... .  these cute little footprints, trotting along in a straight line, then all of a sudden, in a circle, then running back a few feet, running forward again, and then another spin.  Eventually, the owner picked up her cute little dog and carried him to the car.  I guess my boys are carrying me to the car.  I knew they was good for something   now I'll see if they'll wash my car, weekly.  OK OK... .  I won't get greedy!

Please forgive my rambling.  Obviously, I know... .  I am still reeling from the merry-go-round rollercoaster ride... .  and one minute I am weak and crying and the next, I'm swimming my frusteration in the ocean, then sitting and listening to the ocean waves, soothe my soul, then jump on this board and feel STRENGTH.  THANK YOU ALL WHO SHARE>

Hey... .  maybe we should do a "convention" here on Kaua'i!

[kauaikami]

Well... .  I haven't been active much lately.  I went and looked at my profile from when I first signed on, which was December 2011.  I had stated at that time that we had recycled soo many times I lost count but I was hoping to make this the final break.

And here I am, April 2013.

Only this time... .  I think I am finally out of Hope, Faith, Determination to make this work and blah, blah.

I think I finally endured enough kicks in the face while down on the ground... .  not literally, although,

there was a time frame of violence... .  which was manini (minor) compared to the emotional and psychological abuse I ALLOWED to happen.  What Ever made me think I was such a tough chick?

I did learn alot from this site though... .  and at that time, I started putting up Boundaries.

Boy, did that feel like it backfired and knock me on my behind!  Things really intensified!  That's when physical violence actually came into the picture.  So, of course, I backed down on my boundaries that were Obvious (to him)... .  and slowly eased into it.  I did manage to get him out of my home.  Then my grown son's made it clear to him to stay clear away from the property.

Every time I tried to make the break... .  he would HOUND me.  If I blocked his phone number, only the calls were blocked, but not the text.  Hence, the beginning of the text wars cuz I just couldn't resist reading what he wrote, which of course infuriated me with the outrageous lying and fabrications... .  and trying to get [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] from him and reason the truth of reality to him.  If I did manage to exert some self control and Not read his texts Or email... .  he'd come find me.  He broke into my house when he knew my sons' weren't home, he'd slip into my room and beg.

Or he'd show up at my jobsite, begging and pleading and frankly, I was hurting too and the easiest thing to do... .  was seek comfort.  And the cycle would begin again.  

All I can say right now... .  was for some damn dumb reason... .  I had to keep banging my head against this brick wall (trying to express my needs and wants was talking to a brick wall)... .  but maybe I am so stubborn headed that I needed to beat it almost to a pulp before real survival kicked in and my three sons (all adults, one with mental retardation) told me... .  If you can't do this for yourself, we will and we are here to tell you, HE is NOT allowed on our property and (believe this or not) We forbid you from seeing him!  Hunh?  How stupid and low does one have to get before your own children are scolding you like that?  We love you mom and we are going to save you from yourself!

I raised my boys to be non-violent.  They never even really had water guns (and no, they didn't use sticks to pretend to have swords or guns) it just wasn't in our repitiore.  But, once my EXBPDbf layed a hand on me, that was their final straw.  They had "tolerated" him out of respect for Ma... .  but That... .  they cannot... .  even if I was too stupid to let him cross that boundary.

My final boundary was another female.  His "hanai" (taken on as family) sister... .  who in a not very sisterly way, had told him one time she wanted to XX-rated.  He told me this and broke contact with her for over a year cuz it was just too creepy for him (she's not his physical type)

So, here I am... .  just found out Mom has cancer, taxes reamed me this year, my middle boy with disabilites is having significant medical issues, I'm overworked with work (thank goodness, for to pay the taxes!), just started really experiencing menopause (now I know what real hotflashes are), trying to wean off anti-depressants so that I can sign life insurance policies and be able to say I have had no prescriptions within an XX amount of time... .  just STRUGGLING... .  and of course, NO EMOTIONAL support and him whining about his "pressures" (he doesn't work, outright owns a home on this awesome island, but yeah, suffers with mental issues, serious paranoid delusions to name one)  THEN... .  when I complain about him not being supportive and try explain how deeply stressed and worried and hurt I am... .  he moves his hanai sister in with him... .  who, happens to be a chronic ice head who tried to break her mom's neck a year ago and was talking all x-rated to him.  NOT exactly the kind of person I wanna get to know... .  or think he needs in his life.  SO... .  that's that.  He's made his choice.

He chooses No Treatment for his mental issues (he thinks sheer will power will do it) He chooses to stay in his old lifestyle versus moving forward in the life we planned... .  and he inappropriately moved a female into his home.  I know alot of details have been left out... .  but I guess part of what I am trying to say is----this was the final straw.  I kept wondering for years... .  what is it going to take?  What will be the final straw... .  as I kept accepting injustices (you'd think physical violence woulda done it huh?)

I knew the day would come when it would finally just be done.

NOT that I'm not sobbing, pissed, hurt, outraged etc... .  

But I know I will never lie down with him again... .  no matter how great that was (well, most of the time, there were violations in that bed too)

I am a stubborn woman.  Always has been, just ask my mom.  For the most part, it hasn't worked for me... .  like being so stubborn that I was NOT going to let this RS fail.  Other times it has worked for me... .  like raising a significantly disabled son for these past 22 years.

Now I gotta make it work again... .  and stay stubborn and firm and finally put an end to ALL contact with this man and even all contact in my head... .  no ruminations.  I think I did that since December 2011.  I guess another facet to the "what's your final straw" is that while there's talk about the Process's... .  the steps... .  sometimes it can be like doing the Two Step... .  only to find it's more like One Two... .  and a half.  (from a yankee to you southerners!)  It's the 'ol two steps forward, one step back... .  or like the doggie tracks I saw in the sand today for my sunset walk and swim... .  these cute little footprints, trotting along in a straight line, then all of a sudden, in a circle, then running back a few feet, running forward again, and then another spin.  Eventually, the owner picked up her cute little dog and carried him to the car.  I guess my boys are carrying me to the car.  I knew they was good for something   now I'll see if they'll wash my car, weekly.  OK OK... .  I won't get greedy!

Please forgive my rambling.  Obviously, I know... .  I am still reeling from the merry-go-round rollercoaster ride... .  and one minute I am weak and crying and the next, I'm swimming my frusteration in the ocean, then sitting and listening to the ocean waves, soothe my soul, then jump on this board and feel STRENGTH.  THANK YOU ALL WHO SHARE>

Hey... .  maybe we should do a "convention" here on Kaua'i!

[maria1]

Hi Kauikamia and welcome back

It sounds like you have had a pretty intense ride with BPD. It also sounds like you are a strong woman and an amazing mother. I'm sorry you are in the midst of so much crap right now.

Is this your final straw? Can you make this time the last time?

I hope we can help you. My ex doesn't want me to let him go. I'm still trying. I definitely put me first and never slept with him again after he ended our relationship a year ago. We were only together 10 months but he reached in pretty deep.

I hope you stay with us. I already like you  and am looking forward to hearing more of your story and seeing you recover and use your amazing strength to look after YOU   

[NewWays]

Hi Kauikamia... .  

First, I am trying to think about your words of your home, and feel the memories of the beautiful elements of your state.  I have not been back for many, many years, but I can immediately pull such pleasant memories from my few times on Maui... .  the sun, warm sand, the relaxing waves and the clean and beautiful sunny skies... .  oh would that beautiful experience of what you can experience every day be a blessing to my sole.

Your comments help provide me with more insight as my BPD wife end our marriage.  I am new to this great site, unfortunately the tools I review and consider here are for ending rather than any help or improvement in a BPD marriage.

One of the marriage counselors we saw early on in our relationship (before we uncovered the BPD) passed on a paragraph from a book he suggested to me by Elizabeth B. Brown... .  that was... .  (can not remember the exact title of the book) in How to live with... .  (messed up people, screwed-up people, difficult people?) that talked about hanging in and fighting for a difficult relationship.

The net net was that both people in a relationship have a duality of responsibility to purposefully act in a manner to ensure the relationship grows, stays alive... .  and this is before consideration and the added challenges that a personality disorder adds to the mix of partner engagement and behaviors... .  and at the end of the day... .  

... .  you continue to wonder if your partner will take the steps to try and change.  The reality is however, that no matter what you try or how much effort your exert, your partner in your life may continue to always be a problem!

At his point, your decision can only be about what you are going to do and what path you really want to take has more to do with making what I think is a sound investment of your effort by changing your reactions to your partners behavior.

Our therapist further pointed out to me that this paragraph also points out that taking this perspective help free me from further twisting into dysfunction that can get worse.  He reminded me that my 50% share of my investment in my marriage in the most current analysis is yireding a 0% return on the marriage... .  and to change the focus on just me and how I engage and react is a much better investment.  He pointed out that the 50% investment I had been trying to put into my marriage and my BPD wife would yield a 50% or more return when focused on me.  At a minimium, a 50% return on any investment far exceeds the odds of what that return at this point would be for the odds of the marraige.

The reality we all at some point need to consider and painfully face is that it takes two people to ceate a screwed-up0 raltionship... .  and it takes the same two people to fix it.

This speaks volumes for my situation and my wife who will not consider any counseling for BPD... .  and the DBT therapies that have been delvelped since the late seventies and eighties... .  by Marsha Linehan who is recognized at the founder of DBT therapy for those afflicted with BPD.

She is one who has come up fron what she calls the "Hell of BPD" as a young woman... .  was institutionalized for close to two years due to her severe BPD symptoms and the less than effective treatments that were availalbe in the 1960s.  She fought her way back from this disease almost all on her own and made a pledge to move her life to help other people never go through what she went throug being literally tied down to her bed for almost the 2 year period.

She ened up in Chicago, enrolled at Loyolya University Chicago and graduated at the top of her classes for psychology programs and was then actually put on the staff as a professor in the medical school... .  before other positions in Buffalo and then to the University of Washington were she is at today.

Her one quote that sticks with me that she gave during an interview she gave after she revisited the room where she had been tied up for almost two years as a young woman with now she says was clearly BPD... .  went something like this... .  "... .  people... .  that is husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends need to at times objectively and painfully understand that if a person, with BPD and all the problems and issues it causes, refuse to seek out treatment, that is their right!  Sorry!"

Wishing you peach as you walk your path.  Enjoy those warm and beautiful waves and sand for all of us here!

mrrlk