DDwD18 NC wit BDf

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

2 years out from final divorce.  DD has autism and is in high school.  She's also been in weekly therapy for 2&1/2 years, not because of autism but because she has a dad with BPD.  He's done and continues things which cause severe mental and emotional trauma for her.  We honored his liberal visitation order, even though she was terrified and wouldn't get in the car with him without a cell phone.

His BS went way over the top before her 18th birthday in December and she chose to go No Contact with him as soon as she was no longer obligated by court order.  She called him Christmas morning and told him WHY she was going NC, and she would let him know when she wanted to see him again.  I didn't know until much later in the day.  He sent her a letter of apology which wasn't an apology but justification for the crappy things he does.  It was all about him and his Fears.  He said he would respect her wishes.   She wrote out a long letter expressing her true feelings which she didn't mail.  This was the beginning of her being able to tell me in detail actual events,  his behaviors and her trauma responses.  Scary stuff!

Since she's turned 18 we've had 2 meetings at the school which we both informed them of her age of consent and her NC choice with BPD.  I asked if there was paperwork to be filled out and signed by us.  We were told No.

BPD showed up at the school to see DD last Friday.  Nobody asked if she wanted to see him.  It was a classroom interruption, "Your dad is here, do you want someone to go with you?"   Being who she is and having boundary difficulties with adults, she stood up unable to speak and was escorted down the hall by a gaggle of grown-ups to the office. By then she was in full blown panic attack thinking she was being shoved in a room with him.  She said she told them twice in the hallway she didn't want to see him.   She was finally told she didn't have to see him and he was actually still in his car not in the building, when she was seated in an office and was in total crisis.  Then a teacher took her to the track to walk it off.   When I picked her up curbside not long after, she appeared to hot and flushed, but was cold and clammy, shallow breathing, hands flapping and could barely talk.  ":)ad came to the school, I need my therapist!"

The weekend was spent with her alternating writing a letter to her dad, and sharing more with me his behaviors that disgusted her.   Of course he sent me an email accusing me of brainwashing her.  DD would never have a will different than his.  DD read the email, added another page to her letter and told him how she REALLY feels.  It's in the mail.    I am resisting the urge to respond to the email, "go slime someone else."   Pointing out his projections, contradictions, delusions is pointless.  He won't get it, he's trying to suck us into his vortex.

I have an appointment with the school.  I've asked for incident reports on the entire chain of events and a safety meeting higher on the food chain.  DD is ready to move to the next level of enforceable boundaries.  Looks like time for another court ordered smackdown.

BPDs do not take NO for an answer, not even from a judge or their own kids.  They have no concept of respecting boundaries.  They never stop trying to suck others into their vortex.

[Rubies]

2 years out from final divorce.  DD has autism and is in high school.  She's also been in weekly therapy for 2&1/2 years, not because of autism but because she has a dad with BPD.  He's done and continues things which cause severe mental and emotional trauma for her.  We honored his liberal visitation order, even though she was terrified and wouldn't get in the car with him without a cell phone.

His BS went way over the top before her 18th birthday in December and she chose to go No Contact with him as soon as she was no longer obligated by court order.  She called him Christmas morning and told him WHY she was going NC, and she would let him know when she wanted to see him again.  I didn't know until much later in the day.  He sent her a letter of apology which wasn't an apology but justification for the crappy things he does.  It was all about him and his Fears.  He said he would respect her wishes.   She wrote out a long letter expressing her true feelings which she didn't mail.  This was the beginning of her being able to tell me in detail actual events,  his behaviors and her trauma responses.  Scary stuff!

Since she's turned 18 we've had 2 meetings at the school which we both informed them of her age of consent and her NC choice with BPD.  I asked if there was paperwork to be filled out and signed by us.  We were told No.

BPD showed up at the school to see DD last Friday.  Nobody asked if she wanted to see him.  It was a classroom interruption, "Your dad is here, do you want someone to go with you?"   Being who she is and having boundary difficulties with adults, she stood up unable to speak and was escorted down the hall by a gaggle of grown-ups to the office. By then she was in full blown panic attack thinking she was being shoved in a room with him.  She said she told them twice in the hallway she didn't want to see him.   She was finally told she didn't have to see him and he was actually still in his car not in the building, when she was seated in an office and was in total crisis.  Then a teacher took her to the track to walk it off.   When I picked her up curbside not long after, she appeared to hot and flushed, but was cold and clammy, shallow breathing, hands flapping and could barely talk.  ":)ad came to the school, I need my therapist!"

The weekend was spent with her alternating writing a letter to her dad, and sharing more with me his behaviors that disgusted her.   Of course he sent me an email accusing me of brainwashing her.  DD would never have a will different than his.  DD read the email, added another page to her letter and told him how she REALLY feels.  It's in the mail.    I am resisting the urge to respond to the email, "go slime someone else."   Pointing out his projections, contradictions, delusions is pointless.  He won't get it, he's trying to suck us into his vortex.

I have an appointment with the school.  I've asked for incident reports on the entire chain of events and a safety meeting higher on the food chain.  DD is ready to move to the next level of enforceable boundaries.  Looks like time for another court ordered smackdown.

BPDs do not take NO for an answer, not even from a judge or their own kids.  They have no concept of respecting boundaries.  They never stop trying to suck others into their vortex.

[mamachelle]

Hi Rubies,

I am so sorry this is going on.

Have you spoken with an attorney yet?

I have a bunch of kids and stepkids I am raising... .  and one of them... . SS15 is on the autism spectrum and I can relate to your frustrations with how the school handled this. So I think the school definitely needs to be made aware of your DD18's wishes since she is an adult. Sounds like you are on this already.

My 2DD are younger, 13 and 16, but they do not wish to have contact with their BPD Dad either. We divorced 8 years ago... .  but after he abused my younger D and left bruises and did a lot of emotionally abusive and neglectful things--- I did go through a court battle 4 years ago to suspend visitation and make it supervised to protect my daughters----and BPD dad just fled the state with his new wife and her three kids rather than comply with any of the orders. So I file all the paperwork with the schools every year that his 'visitation is suspended until further notice'... .  I know it's not typical but I am just happy that my daughters do not have to deal with him until he is willing to do what the court orders -- counseling and supervised visitation, paying his support... .  

I am sorry I don't have answers but wanted to let you know I can relate.

 mamachelle

[Rubies]

Thank you Mamachelle.  Yes, only those who've had to deal with BPD in their children's lives can relate to the traumas dropped on our kids.   DD learned a few years ago the high cost of being Golden Child.   Her attempts setting boundaries with BPDdad were steamrolled and ignored, including her health and dietary needs.   She learned what Emotional Incest is and wants nothing to do with it.

The longer she's gone without seeing him, the healthier and more clear-headed she's become.  It feels good to feel good!  It makes the Bad feel all the worse when it comes along.  Feeling Bad is no longer the Normal.   She's made great strides in school, in the community and at home.   It feels good to be safe and not worry if someone is going to disappear with you again and force you back into the black hole of autism and isolation.   That is her biggest Fear based in reality on his previous actions.

All us mamas can do is set good examples on how to deal with BPDs and other sucky people, and be our kids' back up when boundaries are violated.  This time it was both the school and BPD that violated her boundaries.

The only decision I need to make now  is what to wear to the meeting at the school.  I'm tempted to wear the Power Suit, but that may not be the best approach at this time of gathering ropes for hangings.  I'm calling it a Safety Meeting, it's a deposition.  Some of the people involved have a past working relationship, or a spouse with a work relationship with BPDxh. 

BPDxh hit while DD is adjusting to a new therapist.  Her Mama Bear therapist retired, new one is getting up to speed quickly.

[mamachelle]

Hey Rubies,

You go mama! Get out the power suit. Your DD sounds quite exceptional and smart!

I went to bat so many times for my SS15 and continue too... . that the teachers are all a little afraid of me. I pay their salaries so I don't feel bad... .    All my pushing has gotten my SS15 the services he needs. He went from being unable to function in junior high school to being in a highly supported environment in the public high school that also allows him to take regular classes. He was headed for the school where they put kids with felonies.   I am the primary caretaking mama here (we have kids 90% of the time). BPDBioMiom lives across the country since 2011 and never got SS the therapies he needed as a kid (ok you can blame my DH for that too) and when he got a neuropsych eval at 13 -- the autism dx finally came to light.

I know, I know your DD is wise beyond her years. I do struggle with my DD decisions to go NC with Dad. I have LC with him. He tries to contact them through FaceBk. They are 'friends' with a cousin and they know he can see their profiles through her if he wants too occasionally. He showed up at our door unannounced a few months ago, my DH just said, "don't open the door, mamachelle... . " I didn't and he ran off again. He lives in another state and came up with a cousin who lives here. He then apologized. He's afraid of the court system and he's from another country. His Dad had kids that he didn't see for years so I think he is more able to detach and not be with them. Kind of the old school absentee Dad. Heck my own Dad (a pdoc) was estranged from his kids from his first marriage for many years. I count myself and my DD lucky that he doesn't push the matter. If he did I would certainly go through the legal channels to allow visitation. It really makes me sad that he ended up being so abusive and that he won't get help. It's not my job to fix him. He knows my DD are safe and happy and don't hate him. I offer them to contact or see him every few months and they just say, no mom... .  Dad just doesn't get it.

I respect that. After what they went through and seeing how much they have learned and grown, how happy they are... . I feel like we are making the right decisions.

So, good luck with the school and all and keep us posted!

mamachelle

[david]

I am a school teacher and all I can say is the more you get in their face (in a nice way of course) the less they are able to dismiss or forget about you. I would go to the counselor, guidance, etc. that are aware of what happened and make sure it does not happen again. Have a plan on how you want them to handle it. Had the school taken a different approach things could have worked out better for DD. Talk to DD's therapist on how to set up a boundary that the school must follow.

Getting everyone on the same page is best for DD and that is the plan that needs to be in place. If new counselor's show up in school or new teachers they need to be aware of the plan asap.

My xBPDw threw all kinds of roadblocks for me at our boys school. I stayed focused on their needs and eventually the school "got it". The school now contacts me first and "we" make a plan so they can address it with ex. This keeps me out of the fray and minimizes the chaos since I am not part of the plan.

[Rubies]

Ugh!  I'm glad I had the good sense to ask DD's case manager for a list of who would be attending the meeting.  3 special eds including himself.  None who were directly a part of this trauma, but who did not stop it soon enough.

I replied a productive meeting required the presence of the counselor, Key Figure, former coworker of BPDxh, and the presence of a supervisor.  If they cannot be available for the scheduled meeting, then reschedule.   I

I also asked incidence reports be made available to me as soon as possible.  They will be helpful to everyone working with DD.

My gut feeling is BPDxh  used his manipulative powers to convince school employees DD's NC boundary  isn't real and they chose to Lab Rat the poor kid for him.   The IEP team knows her biggest personal challenge is  setting and enforcing boundaries with grown ups.  I've already gone the rounds with the Special Eds and Edwinas.   Only one is a member of the original team, was there to see DD's fear and disgust of him at the beginning and read the original divorce file to see how whack BPDxh's behaviors and thinking really are.

In August 2010, BPDxh picked DD up at a church function and left the state, taking her to his mother's who DD does not like.   He ignored her pleas to go home, ignored her staying awake all night crying and begging to come home.  This is how he chose to launch the divorce.  He was also denying she had autism.

DD was returned to me by court order after several weeks, went from homeschool to public school per court order at my request, which BPD strenuously objected to along with MH therapy.   She was so messed up she got stuck in the ~ room.   Further assessments proved she's actually quite well educated, her problem was social isolation, emotional trauma and serious mitochondrial dysfunction from having nothing but junk food to eat.  Her first goal was to escape from the ~ room.   She did,  remains predominantly mainstream and making honor roll.  She has weekly occupational therapy for her hands which is why she could never write or keyboard well, and she has many nice friends at school and in the community.   BPD objects to her having any social life or any kind of therapy or any sense of independence.

Cool!  Case manager responded. The two culprits  :)D named as responsible, both with ties to BPD, will be at our meeting.  Sounds like Special Ed is willing to throw some administrators under the bus while I drive over them.  I kept telling them we're on the same team.

[Rubies]

Interesting from many perspectives.  The entire Special Ed. staff showed including the school psychologist.  He did DD's intake assessments and is her biggest fan.  They didn't stonewall very long.  I want to know how this happened, we are documenting it won't happen again and you are giving DD  and I a document for the court.   DD signed her handwritten statement in their presence.

The Other staff members, Team Weasel, are clearly guilty of Lab Ratting DD.  One was late and had a completely different attitude toward me than her previous silence with snakes coming out of her eyes.  One of the things she wanted to establish is she and her husband have a relationship with me.  The guidance counselor was a no show.   After the meeting we loitered in the hall around the corner from his office with DD's math teacher.   "Hi, let's go to your office!"  The man reeked of hard liquor and had quite a buzz on before 5 o'clock on campus.   What I could read off him was fear, repentance and alcoholism.

As bad as this was for DD and created emotional setbacks for her, I see some good coming out of it.  BPDxh lost all credibility with people in this community who affect our lives.  They Lab Ratted, they saw the results with their own eyes.  I don't think I'm painted black in this gossip town anymore.  DD and I are shut out of many segments of the community, not only socially, but also those who are supposed to be providing disability services.

It gave DD a does of Reality Therapy.  She is now ready to move forward with decisions, practice her new life skills and step into being an adult with training wheels.  She's been enjoying her peace and freedom, now she needs to protect them.

I have a question for you David as a school teacher.  Two of the spec. ed. teachers are leaving at the end of this year, they have been DD's strongest supporters, both have been her case managers and have really been there for her.  One began here and is only in her 3nd year teaching.  The other has been teaching here for decades.  Neither has secured a new job in their new locations.   This public HS is a non-accredited school in a state 39th in the nation.   It has a reputation for chewing people up and spitting them out.  Staff and students. 

Would letters of recommendation of their exemplary performance with IEP students and families be of value to them?

Everyone is throwing BPDxh under the bus.  I want off-the-record names of those I need to go kill with kindness.   I want the backstabbers I don't already know about.  I can use this tool long after the teachers move into new chapters of their lives.  DD and I will still be trying to find our places in this town.

[david]

You can always offer a letter of recommendation and ask them.

I know of a school system around here that is also noted for churning teachers. It helps keep their costs down because many teachers have tenure after three years by contract.

Make sure you get things in writing and you may even want to talk to DD's strongest supporters for advice on things to do, be prepared for, and look out for. When the school realizes you know the rules of the game and you are not going away they tend to be more cooperative. When our yopungest had an IEP I got a booklet from a special ed teacher that explained how the system worked and what you needed to do and say under certain circumstances. It was an easy read booklet but explained the ins and outs of the system. Each state has their own rules so you need to find your states guidelines and rules. I misplaced the booklet but don't need it anymore. I live in Pa. It was written by a grass roots organisation in our state for childrens educational needs.

I went to pick our boys up at school years ago and ex had them convinced I was not allowed without her permission. She had even sent an email, this specific time, telling them I was not allowed to pick them up. I was prepared and gave them the new court order which gave me permission. It was hand written and they said it needed to be printed out. I explained it was hand written in the court by my atty and signed by the judge and both parents. They still tried to prevent me. I calmly told them to fax the order to their legal department and I would wait in the office. They did and within ten minutes the boys and I were leaving. That became the start of them "getting it" about ex.

When our oldest went to middle school (two years ago) ex had them convinced I was abusive and was not allowed any info from the school except with her permission. This was in the beginning of the year and I realized ex was up to her nonsense at the new school. I told the person in the office to call the principal at the elementary school and he would be able to straighten things out. I left and gave her my cell number. Within 20 minutes she called, apologized, and straightened everything out. By the time I got home I had an email with all the passwords, etc. I needed for complete access to all parenting sites and all the info I had requested.