What is the "magic" bullet?

[Someday . . .]

I have been toying with this question for a couple of months and would like to know if any of you have thought of this, and, if so, what do you think the answer is?

What makes one person recover and someone else not recover from BPD?

I realize that some people diagnosed with BPD make incredible strides towards recovery.  I look at people like Marsha Linehan, Tami Green, A.J. Mahari, Kiera Van Gelder, Amanda Wang, and many lesser known people who have been diagnosed with BPD and either are doing incredibly better or actually 'recovered'.  I also realize the if you practice DBT skills (or any evidence based treatment), and are invested in recovery, plus have great family support that these things contribute heavily to recovery.  Yet, I wish that I would be able to convery this in a way that you can understand . . there seems to be something else and this something else seems intangible.  Such as, I have a daughter who is severely impacted by BPD. . .I would find it difficult to believe that she would be one that would recover . . and I know of others not quite as heavily impacted. . .could that be the 'key' to recovery (?) . . that possibly someone is not as 'bad' off as someone else?  But then I think of Marsha Linehan who spent two years in a psychiatric hospital, obviously she had to have been a relatively severe case and she recovered. So, do you have any other answer than evidenced based treatment, how heavily invested someone is into their own recovery, and family support?

Please let me know if anything else has been 'discovered', or any recent research that might have an answer to this!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I love this question Someday... .  

Here is (as best I can put into words) what I believe is that "intangible thing":

That free space to recreate myself and for my daughter to recreate herself.  The space where the past holds no power and only the present and future exist.  The space is filled with compassion and hope because forgiveness has occurred and taken away the negative power of the past that was filled with mistakes that bind us up and keep us stuck in a cycle of failures and judgment.  There is no judgment in this free space, there is acceptance and love.  In this free space we can make different choices for a different outcome.  We can be who we choose to be.  Each day the sun rises is another day to recreate ourselves... .  yesterday is gone, today is a gift, tomorrow is yet to be. 

We can strengthen ourselves by knowing we are backed by a power greater than ourselves, that God himself operates like this and we can look to Him as our model to do the same. How many times are we to forgive so that we can create this free space? As many times as it takes. 


 

lbj   

[Someday . . .]

What a beautiful answer lbjnltx!  It seems so right on the mark.  Thank you!

[sunshineplease]

I love this question Someday... .  

Here is (as best I can put into words) what I believe is that "intangible thing":

That free space to recreate myself and for my daughter to recreate herself.  The space where the past holds no power and only the present and future exist.  The space is filled with compassion and hope because forgiveness has occurred and taken away the negative power of the past that was filled with mistakes that bind us up and keep us stuck in a cycle of failures and judgment.  There is no judgment in this free space, there is acceptance and love.  In this free space we can make different choices for a different outcome.  We can be who we choose to be.  Each day the sun rises is another day to recreate ourselves... .  yesterday is gone, today is a gift, tomorrow is yet to be. 

We can strengthen ourselves by knowing we are backed by a power greater than ourselves, that God himself operates like this and we can look to Him as our model to do the same. How many times are we to forgive so that we can create this free space? As many times as it takes. 


 

lbj   

WOW.   

[jellibeans]

how true... .  when are you writing that book lbj... .  thanks again

[librajenn]

It is a beautiful answer but how do you do that?  What if your child is not invested in their recovery and doesn't even believe that there is a problem?

[lbjnltx]

It is a beautiful answer but how do you do that?  What if your child is not invested in their recovery and doesn't even believe that there is a problem?

Triggering, Mindfulness, and Wisemind

Radical Acceptance for Family Members

Forgiveness by Faith

Compassion in the place of anger

Hope in the place of fear

Tools used with Faith is how I found the free space that was there all along.

[Being Mindful]

"Compassion in the place of anger" is what I experience for myself when my d. is raging at me.

[suchsadness]

I can understand having compassion in place of anger and that is what I feel most of the time for my dd35.  I have more and more compassion for her all the time, especially now that her life is getting harder and harder each day.  I am able to feel and express my compassion when we are communicating from a distance via texting, but it is hard to know what to say (even when I'm feeling compassion for her) when she is raging at me on the phone.  My T has said I just need to end the conversation with me telling her I am going to end the conversation (setting that boundary).  Unfortunately I haven't even had that opportunity because the last couple of times she raged on the phone she hung up on me before I could even get a word in.  I feel happy when I see her name come up on my phone, but when she starts raging it is like my heart drops and it drains me immediately.  How do you get to a point of compassion when your heart is on the floor, and what do you say to keep the anger from making you defensive?   

[heronbird]

My dd didnt want to help herself, she was on self district, digging a hole and getting deeper and deeper.

The professionals couldnt help her and told me her prognosis was bad. I prepared for her to die, or end up as a homeless drug addict and alcoholic.

I read my 6th book on BPD, it was called Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr, and it changed our lives. I figured I had to do something because it was so scary. I was not willing to take no for an answer, so I found the answers for myself.

She will always have BPD tendencies, but its the fact she manages it better, she just phones me if she is bad and after talking to me for a while, she feels better.

I learnt so many tools, now I am taking the credit for her being better.

[lbjnltx]

  How do you get to a point of compassion when your heart is on the floor, and what do you say to keep the anger from making you defensive?   

First have compassion for self, you are in pain. 

Your daughter is telling you, in the only vocabulary she has in the moment, that she is in pain.

This is where your heart meets hers.  Meet her with compassion.  Anger (a secondary emotion in this situation) does not co exist with compassion.  Your d is not having compassion for herself nor you.

Will you have compassion for self and her? Will you break this cycle by experiencing it differently? 

When we realize that we are having the same experiences as our children is when we can be in the free space to make a different choice for a different outcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

Thanks lbj   

Yes - she is definitely in pain, and she is trying to shut me out completely.  She has recently started going on a rampage with my sister - and throws all her hurts in her court but doesn't always say these things to me.  I do believe what you are saying about having compassion for myself first... .  I have always tried to be strong, and be the "bigger person" by not arguing, but this has caused me to internalize the pain.  I believe this is where I need to focus at the moment, compassion for myself.  It makes it hard to even think about "self" when all you have ever heard is "It's all about you!".  Maybe my T can help me with this as well.   

[qcarolr]

From my perspective, it is easier to find compassion for ourselves, and learn/use the tools of validation/boundaries, mindfulness... .  when our BPD kids do not live with us. And they are not desperately reaching out for us even as their behaviors trigger our self-protection circuits and pushes us away from them.

I need DD26 to reach out to community help that is there for her. I cannot be a directly involved advocate for her now. She is too deep in her anger. And the more I withdraw, the more she violently reaches out to hold me. I have to find ways to mange my fears before I can dig my compassion out of the depths for her right now.

Hoping my T can help me with this tomorrow. Though sometimes my the intensity of my life seems to be overwhelming for her training and experience.

qcr  

[suchsadness]

Oh my gosh qcr, that is exactly where I feel I am at this point as well!  Even about her reaching out to the community help, her anger, my withdrawing and all of it.  I think her going to my sister is her way of making her the advocate.  We are actually going to visit the T together (me and my sister) tomorrow... .  

Yes - compassion is a wonderful thing and I pray all the time that I can live my life with compassion for others.  I never think to pray for compassion for myself.  Maybe it really is time that I make my dd35's accusations come true and make it "all about me" for a while until I can regain my balance.   

[jellibeans]

What makes one person recover and someone else not recover from BPD?

Well I don't know if I have any power to help the person with BPD recover... .  I can be compassionate and validate etc... .  but I don't think the answer is with me.

I think an important fact in helping the person recover is for that person to find the thing that makes them feel worthy and give them some self esteem. I think one of the overwhelming factor that pwBPD deal with is that little voice in their head that says " you are a loser... .  you are no good at any thing... .  you are not special" I think if they can find even a little of that they will feel they have some value and have a life worth living.

I really think I can surely make my dd life easier and make less conflict etc... .  but what is going to click in my dd head that is going to give her the will to live her life and be happy without the feeling of worthlessness... .  

[qcarolr]

jellibeans - thanks for focusing us on recovery in BPD. From all my reading, talking, thinking, experiencing there are a couple things that make recovery hard:

pwBPD getting stable enough to make connection to therapy

pwBPD getting support needed in therapy and their community environment to stick with therapy

pwBPD having access to quality therapist and supportive programs

pwBPD accepting that this is a long term project -- minimum of one year in many cases

I lean toward a program that mixes together aspects of DBT for emotional regulation - and this may need to be started first to get that connection, stability and support followed by something that reaches into the sense of self/identity-loneliness-emptiness

There is no 'magic bullet' -- it is a long process and burn out in the supportive community is high (family, community and professional). The key may be this supportive community. How can we better take care of ourselves here?  Mindfulness, strong self-care (body-mind-spirit), staying in our validation state of mind (walking in the emotions without advising or rescuing - so hard for me), solid well thought out boundaries that are enforceable yet don't become invalidating (again-hard for me), building a support community for ourselves that is big enough to take the heat yet small enough for the openness and vulnerability required.

It is really a very circular process with lots of complex interactions, and can so quickly descend into the victim triangle that lives in the center of the circle so often just waiting for a chance to pull us down. How can we find ways to build the community needed that is affordable for the masses, and then get our pwBPD to get connected and engaged?

qcr  

Here is link to a good topic discussing some of the specific BPD therapies. There are more and more articles and studies on these treatments. They all are expensive, labor intensive, patient intensive. Anyone that can get their adolescent involved, even when that is away from home in good rtc, has a head start on those of us with grown up kids with BPD. Don't give up too soon. Get your support team in place.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76487.40#lastPost

[lbjnltx]

What makes one person recover and someone else not recover from BPD?

Well I don't know if I have any power to help the person with BPD recover... .  I can be compassionate and validate etc... .  but I don't think the answer is with me

You do have the power to create better opportunities for recovery.  You can stop making it worse so that it can get better, you can be a model of healthy interaction/self care/personal accountability/honesty, you can focus on what you can do rather than what you can't.

It is our responsibility to create the environment that promotes the steps towards recovery.  We then let go of the outcome... .  knowing we did all we could.  No "what ifs?".

This is especially applicable when we have so much power in the life of our minor child.

I must do everything I can for my child if I expect others to do the same.

I must be willing to go above and beyond for others if I want others to do the same for my child.

What would the world look like if we all did this?

We are at all times either helping or hurting,  we get to choose.  We can have a helpless victim mentality or we can get healthy and take responsibility for our actions/inactions.  Every time the sun rises is a new day, a new opportunity to do things differently, we get to choose.

Just because it's hard doesn't relieve us of our responsibilities.  Anything worth having is worth working for.  The harder it is to achieve the more value it holds whether it be our own personal growth or our children's.

Change begins with us. 

[Someday . . .]

I would like to thank everyone for their responses.  They have been so deeply insightful and heartfelt.  It is so appreciated.