What can I do for my children

[wayforward2day]

I came on this site 3 yrs ago, and thank God, thru it , all the help etc , i was able to make an decision to detatch from my X .  Me and my kids (they were not his)are still traumatised by him and all that happened and i am really worried.  we split finally jan 2010 but he broke into our house twice during the following year and then periodically wrote and contacted my close friends and family, with lies/slander about me and those i love. his last contact with was about 2 yrs ago but a close friend a year ago.  :)ivorce papers will be delivered next week.  I am worried about a back lash... .  i have a strong faith in JESUS. (i'm catholic) and got lots of folks praying and its helped but i am so upset cos 2 days ago i spoke with my youngest daughter (now 16)and my son (now 19) and he humiliated them and my daughter says that she coudlnt trust us ( me, her bro and sis-basically her family) at the time cos she said we went along with all of his rules and didnt do anything about the way he was treating her, and so so she cant say that she trusts us even now !  my son says he knows he has anger in him but he keeps it down because he hates feeling angry.  i feel so upset and it disturbs me so much.  I love and care for my children so much, what can i do to help them - i feel they need to talk - but the odd time we do - they cut it short cos they say they cant bear to talki about it... .  help

[Surnia]

Hi wayforward2day

tough times for you with the divorce! 

Good you can speak with your children about it, or they with you at least a bit. What you can do is validate her feelings and express that you feel really sorry about the outcome for them through this relationship. You can offer them to be available for talking when ever they feel the need to it. I would not insist in talking. They have to find her own way.

How are you dealing with the humiliation in the past?

[wayforward2day]

hello Surnia, thanks for your good words,

the divorce has been a long time coming, its taken a full year to get the finances to pay for it.  It is good that i am able to talk to my children to some degree, but when they start talking -my heart starts hurting as i hear them talk about the damage and how its affected their young adult life. I pray that they will come to a better place and then be able to have a healthy relationship with people, particularily with the opposite sex.  I will say to them that if they ever want to talk i am available for them, and i  will remember what you said that i dont insist in talking. I will help them find their own way, they have to find it but as they talk i will try to encourage them in the right way... .  i just have to be careful not to come across as telling them, just helping them. its so difficult being a parent and being tender towards my children in every way, and in this situation, not to allow my panic and sorrow upset my children.

you asked how i was dealing with the humiliation in the past, well the answer is , i'm not dealing with it, apart from just listening and talking like i said, when it comes up.  The humiliation was like a stripping of truth and strength/security.  He insisted that my youngest daughter was a liar, and he was just setting about proving this to me! my older daughter left home a few months after we married.  my son is much more passive, and i think because of this avoided the spot light, but meanwhile homing in on my youngest and she couldn't move in any direction for fear that he would be there waiting for her, and was able to turn a smile into a sneer as he 'thought' he exposed another lie and revealed the truth about my daughters flawed nature!  he was constantly searching for ways to bring my children down, and trying to convince me that they we're not good kids! it feels like this only happened last week, how do i move on and figure this out, i am desperate to let it go, but its still live... .     

[Surnia]

Could it be that your children would have expected more support from you opposite him? So it could be difficult for them to share all with you.

Should it be like this it could be perhaps easier for them to talk with a professional with out you first... .  

Second what I want to tell you: Children can deal with a lot when there is a ground of support and love. Its not just a mistake and they are broken for a long time.

[wayforward2day]

Could it be that your children would have expected more support from you opposite him? So it could be difficult for them to share all with you.      i think you may be right, and i have asked them to go to a clinical psychologist but they have refused to go.  :)uring the marriage,  I think that the children realised that i was trying to make a go of it, and sometimes that meant that i relied on them to say nothing and let me deal with it.  It was better that i dealt with it because then i took the flack. My youngest was only 10 when he arrived on the scene, and my son was 13, my eldest spoke out against him and he used her as an example and floored her with his anger and verbal attack.  It was such a tense situation in which we were all afraid.  when i spoke against him, then rage entered into the home


Second what I want to tell you: Children can deal with a lot when there is a ground of support and love.

I am doing my best to give my children a ground of support, it wont be perfect but i am trying so hard.  i dont understand you last comment... .  Its not just a mistake and they are broken for a long time. .  . .

[Surnia]

Sorry, about not being clear: Sometimes as parents we have to expose our children to not perfect situations (mistake is the wrong word). Sometimes we feel bad about it. Children can deal with a lot more. They can handle it.

[mrclear]

Hi wayforward2today,

Like Surnia said, it's important to focus on the kids feelings. They are young adults now, so they can put a lot more into perspective. Ask them how they feel when their father treats them like this and help them to express their emotions. They need this. Help them understand that their Father's anger is directed more at himself than at them. Explain to them where this anger comes from and that they shouldn't take it personal. (best not to use the term BPD until they're a little older). Maybe you can help them re-direct their own anger and frustration in a healthy way. Outdoor-activities or sports. You are there for them and that is what counts. They will remember that.

You need to take care of yourself also. Read, write and heal. Remember, you were always dealing with an emotional child. None of this is your fault. YOU are the grown-up in this failed relationship. Set boundaries when it comes to your ex and document everything. Asking BPD's nicely or appealing to their reason will do no good. Be firm and , if necessary, take steps to make sure your boundaries are enforced. I think breaking into your house is a big no-no... .  If that's the pattern of his behavior, you are probably lucky. He will eventually move himself onto the sidelines. Also with his children. BPD's think they have the right to do anything, because they only focus on their own needs and feelings. You have to be aware of this.

Stop trying to find stability in the BPD's instability. There is always help to be found 

atb and stay strong

[mamachelle]

Hey wayforward2today,

I think Surnia and mrclear are giving you some great advice.

One more thing to add is about using validation.

This book has been excellent help for me in so many situations, not just the pwBPD in my life... .  it's great esp w/ my teenagers (I have 2 DD13 and 16 and 1 SS 15) as well.

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

by: Gary Lundberg, Joy Lundberg (excellent for validation skills)

I would get a copy of it soon and it will help in communication with your kids.

Also, another trick I find is talking with kids while in the car often helps because everyone can look out the window.

Start small and realize it will take a while to regain trust but it will come back.

mamachelle

[wayforward2day]

thanks for your helpful words, surina, i pray you are right, My children are aware of their feelings and look back to the things that happened, and reflect on it. None of it sits well with me, to be honest, i do feel better though for having posted on this site, and so the sharing has helped me.

thanks mamachelle for the book you recommended, i'll check it out.

thank you  very much

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Wayforward,

I went through some of this recently w/my son. We have now detatched from dBPDh -but at the time we were still  there, son respected me for my efforts to try to make things work and try to help H. Things were so very hard that during that time my actions needed NO explaination to son. He could see clearly how hard it was.

Fast forward to now. Things are a LOT better, and way more normal for us. But... .  now that things are more normal, it seems he has forgotten how bad things used to be. I kind of think that's good in a way. But the downside is that he now blames me for not giving him enough time to prepare for our leaving H. (He doesn't miss H, just he misses other things we left behind. I think he is feeling some lack of closure.) He forgets the danger we were in, and how there just wasn't any opportunity to do things any differently. I didn't remind him or justify it, I just validated how hard it is to leave things we care about, and said I was sorry for not doing a better job for him.

He needed me to take some responsibility and not try to blame it all on H or stress. Because I have always said to him that no matter what the excuse, we must always have the courage to do what is right. He felt I let him down somewhat in that area during our difficlt time with H. So I owned up to my failure, and brought the focus to our new opportunity to live our lives as we know they should be lived, not just how we thought we had to because of the BPD tornado that was always spinning us around.

I think you are right that your kids need to talk, if they don't like T's, then search for a Godly mentor in an area they have interest in.  If one is interested in a certain sport or hobby, youth activity at church, etc, that might be a possible way to get them to open up. A seperate person for each of them. And don't intrude once they get going.

PM me if you want to.

God Bless You sister.

RWO

[wayforward2day]

thanks Rhymes with orange, for sharing, i can see that may be i havent taken blame... .  my eldest refuses for me to take any she says that he was just plain evil and i was just wonderful, and he pursued me cos i was so good he could manipulate, and take advantage, mmm, well i guess alot of this kind of situation for all of us, leads us to look at ourselves and when i look back, to when i met him, i think that perhaps i put him into a box and saw what i wanted to see cos i was lonely.  I also had (and still do) great faith, and i thought that how could God have presented this fella to me, good looking, funny, intelligent... .  etc... .  and then for him to change into an absolute control freak whose mind twisted everything against us as individuals... .  one of the things i had to do was to actually deal with my anger to God for putting me thru this all.    Anyway, i have moved on thankfully and do feel much better than even a year ago.

thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond to my post.  I really appreciate it, i feel much better

[paxfamilia]

"But... .   now that things are more normal, it seems he has forgotten how bad things used to be. I kind of think that's good in a way. But the downside is that he now blames me for not giving him enough time to prepare for our leaving H. (He doesn't miss H, just he misses other things we left behind. I think he is feeling some lack of closure.) He forgets the danger we were in, and how there just wasn't any opportunity to do things any differently."

He hasn't forgotten, he is TRYING to forget by using minimizing, looking through rose colored glasses at things he had (not people). It's a defense mechanism (which I'm sure you should be used to cuz BPs use them all the time, especially projections), and you have to let him live in it for awhile; he's trying to protect his psyche. 

The best way to lead is by example.  If you go get help from a therapist that specializes in trauma (EMDR), they might come along.  I have apologized to my kids alot.  I tell them I made the best lemonade I could out of beyond sour lemons, but that I'm still sorry they've had to walk through this and that I too was a victim doing the best I could.  They need to know that you were a victim, too, and that dimished your ability to always do they right thing.  I know it took me 9 years of marriage to even figure out what the hell was wrong with mine, came across "Stop Walking on Eggshells" in a bookstore; lightbulb moment, so I didn't even know WHAT I was dealing with before that, and as you know, you can only do so much (set limits, refuse to take the bait etc.) so much with a BP.  Little by little let your kids know that.  The car talking is great (previous suggestion).  You have to do something then and you are not making direct eye contact and it just frees the kids to vent and me to try and teach them things from what they've had to go through.