waiting for BPD husband to respond

[murph33]

Hi there,

I'm fairly new and was referred to this board. Not sure what to do, my husband is stationed in another state which gives me some space, he's not coping very well on his own (surprise, surprise) he blew up 3 days ago because I was very sick with the flu and stressed out with my exams which he couldn't handle and then the conversation suddenly became all about him how he feels and how he has to live out of his office while he pays our rent and bills here etc. I had to finally hang up on him as he went ballistic on the phone yelling and abusive. I haven't heard from him in 3 days which is a normal cycle and when I do hes still angry as he feels hes been "ignored" by me. I got an email the same day we had our last conversation stating I would get a written plan from him stating what he was going to tell me I had to do. He had told me on the phone he never wanted to hear from me again that he was done, Ive been hearing this for the 6 years we've been married, even sent divorce papers a few times which I ignored as its all on his terms etc. I'm learning a lot on this website, Ive got 2 kids and not sure what to do. He normally comes around after a few days but Im not so sure this time. Im trying to get on my feet financially, feel like Ive been in a fog for most of the 6 years and its like I just woke up and now scrambling to get on my feet and be independent of him. I'm tired of the threats all the time and his abusive behavior. he says the marriage cant work unless I go there with the kids, Im reluctant to do that as he hasn't followed through to seek counsel and has not changed at all. While he was here with us he would leave almost every week and be gone for days sometimes longer, he slept in his car, hotels and such. He could not handle anything and I did walk on eggshells til I got fed up with that too and started putting my foot down. He also would go after my oldest boy and was horrible with him screaming into his face etc. I am starting to take better care of me, had neglected that aspect for awhile, just been so overwhelmed with everything. How do I handle his constant threats, he knows I cant support myself financially and uses this as a control over me. Ive lived in so much fear and this is just wearing me down, and the kids well my heart just breaks for them... .

[Surnia]

Welcome her on undecided, murph33.

I really feel for you, sounds you are in a tough situation for quite a long time. 

Its good you started to reach out here for this forum. I think you need all the support you can have.

Did you ever consider to work with a therapist for your own?

I would really recommend this.

You and your kids you are both in constant stress, nevertheless you seems to be not considering a divorce. Can you tell us a bit more why?

[Clearmind]

It is great you reaching out. Welcome and I'm sorry to hear all this.

I believe you are wise not moving at this point - the most important thing right now is stability for you and the kids, being around your support network, begin to look after yourself and yes gain some independence.

Feeling like you are an extension of him will not help in the long run - regardless whether you stay or not.

How are you looking after yourself?

[murph33]

Hi Surnia,

Thanks so much for your response. I have been with therapist over the years without knowing what it was I was really dealing with but with a focus on my own issues, this led to me getting further help by going to support groups for boundaries and one for women who's husbands had sexual addictions which mine does (pornography). My last T gave me the book "walking on eggshells" but neither she or I knew what he had it was a suggestion. When he agreed to come to my T with me for a few weeks he was very uncomfortable so didn't go back which was Ok this T was for me anyway. My T then turned the tables on me and asked if I could be the one with the disorder, I left and never went back to her, she did write later and apologized. So I have not been motivated to go back to T since to be honest. On the question of divorce, yes I have been down that road before, first he threatened it the whole way through our 6 year marriage and I am presently under an ongoing threat right now as in if I don't go with the kids to where he is stationed (military) this is very much over. I have also considered divorce as this is indeed an abusive relationship,I'm of the christian faith which makes it a little more of a struggle for me. My youngest child is only 2 so that places another issue,and when we got married I moved from all I knew, job, family etc Im now in a place with no family, a P/t job that would not support me fully, right now he's still paying the bills which is a miracle in itself as he is gone over a year now, travels home every 3 months to see the kids.I'm trying to finish school, start a new business (just launched it this past week) but it takes time, so financially and every other way Im at a disadvantage right now. When I finally came out of the fog and realized what the heck I was up against I've been scrambling ever since to get on my feet asap. I'm trying to create more space emotionally so I can make some clear and healthy plans/decisions. I also take care of my elderly mom who lives with me, yes I know this is a lot aggravated by the fact I have a BPD hubby. The home were renting is in foreclosure and I have no clue where were going to go.MY BPD hubby don't care as he sees this as an act of God for MY disobedience and abandoning him and also if I'm forced out of this house I will surely run to him (NOT). My situation is very complex and I have to move forward carefully and with a clear head making good decisions.

[murph33]

Hi Clearmind,

Thank you for your response. I'm trying to hang on where I am with the kids for as long as I can, its been so unstable for everyone and I'm trying to juggle a lot. Were in a home that's been foreclosed on (mentioned in previous post). This all is indeed taking a toll on my health, Ive been very sick for the past week and have eczema breakout all over my body(stress is a trigger) so I'm focused more in on me at the moment, making sure I eat right, walk, take breaks,find support, share with some family members whats going on (Introvert and tend to keep things to myself). This has been a long hard journey, one I never envisioned I'd ever be in. I met my husband 6 weeks after my father passed away and YES was indeed vulnerable and probably didn't see the signs well, plus it was a distance relationship, when he came to visit it was all good, he played his part to perfection and I thought he was a decent and kind human being. It wasn't until after we got married and I moved to where he was it all began to unravel, by that time I was far from home, little funds after a wedding, no job, a 6 year old son (from Prior) and my elderly mom who had just lost her spouse and who by the way HE insisted we bring with us as it was HIS Godly duty to take good care of her. I had wanted to leave sooner way earlier I am not the type of person to put up with c--p for long but as you can see I'm in over my head now and trying to do what I can to climb out from this very dark hole.       

[Surnia]

Good to hear about your support groups, this is a big 

Being in a abusive rs it is important to not just stay and wait but start to look for options. And it is also very important to not handle it out of a rush! With children it is good to be informed, to have a plan.

Its not my intent that you should divorce. What I would recommend you is find out about your options. Try to find out what you could expect, about the house, what he has to pay for you, which I assume and so on. And should you do this, make it silently.

I could imagine that being well informed, his constant threats about divorce are changing her effects on you.

[murph33]

Hi Back Surnia,

Thanks again for responding. Oh I'm not staying and waiting around to see whats going to happen with him or anything else, believe me my feet are constantly moving . Ive learned to not rush into any rash decisions (used to do that a lot in the past out of fear) and am carefully planning my moves for the future. Yeah Ive calmed down a lot over his threats . Forewarned is forearmed as they say and Ive been to a lot of lawyers to seek my rights. Not that divorce is pretty its not but it's nice to know you have options and plenty of them, nothing worse than feeling your hemmed in with no way out, been there too many times in past. I'm all about moving forward now as best I can. We (Kids and I) deserve so much more than this.