trying to understand this disorder

[benny2]

 I am wondering if possibly I could be getting things confused. When my pwBPD pulls away he becomes less affectionate, quiet, and stops saying little things like, I love you, or he often calls me baby, he stops saying anything affectionate. I always assume that there is someone else in his life and he always tells me there is no one. He is an habitual lier so I am not sure whether to believe him or not, but could it just be the disorder causing him to withdrawl like this? How long does this usually last and how do I deal with this. Stop saying those little things myself because he acts like he does'nt want to hear them. In essence, do I pull away too?

[hithere]

could it just be the disorder causing him to withdrawl like this?

Yes the disorder causes this but he could be cheating. from what I read on the boards lots of people with BPD cheat and they lie.

[murph33]

I would have to agree with previous post. It is this way in my relationship with my husband. He's a habitual liar too. Now that hes stationed in another state God knows what he's up to and not telling me about as just about everything else I had to figure out for myself as he is full of secrets in fact I really don't believe I know who this person truly is. When he pulls away I just keep myself more busy in fact I use that time to catch on on the lessons here and continue to educate myself more on this disorder. The pulling away and detaching for him could last more than a week or so, mostly its a few days. This is something I have had to accept (married 6 years) as its been this way the entire time we've been married. 

[Surnia]

Benny2

It could be both. Cheating or something like withdrawing, silent treatment. Hard to tell.

Perhaps you could focus on the bigger picture, not just how to react to his withdrawing. He is what he is and he does things you dont understand. Is this the kind of relationship you want?

[benny2]

Actually no this is not the kind of relationship I want. He came to me 2 months ago after a break up and said he wanted to make things work. Things seem good for the first couple weeks and then he started to withdrawl. Although he continues to contact me daily and we see each other a couple times a week, he being very careful not to say anything to affectionate towards me. I told hm last week that I am not going to be his casual after all these years and I got the silent treatment for about 4 days and then he contacted me. I asked him last night if he decided he really wants to make this work and he responded with "I'm thinking about it" Wow, he went from wanting to work things out to I'm thinking about it? I said ok, well you are not the only fish in the sea. Maybe that was not a good response on my behalf, but I am so sick of being tossed around like a rubber ball. He also said he is working on it. Working on what? His mental issues? His exwife? His who knows who? I know he does not want to loose me completely, he never has, but I am really feeling like a fool now. I keep giving him chances and it ends up this way everytime. I laid awake all night last night thinking about how I was going to aproach him in the morning. I decided I did not want to say something I will regret, so I left it alone. All I kept thinking was this has got to end someday and I have to be the one to end it. I just can't do this anymore. I want a normal relationship and he is not capable of it.

[Surnia]

The saying "action speaks louder than words" is applying here in the opposite way. No action speaks louder too! His "I am thinking about it" sounds like a NO to me.

What is hindering you to end it?

All I kept thinking was this has got to end someday and I have to be the one to end it. I just can't do this anymore. I want a normal relationship and he is not capable of it.

[Newton]

benny2 ... .  many of us here have been through the same "come here... .  go away" acting out... .  Surnia has great advice and has asked some really relevant questions... .  

The behaviour you are experiencing has the hallmarks of BPD... .  and it sounds like you are struggling to cope with that behaviour... .  understandably.

Perhaps it's time to think about what you want and deserve from a relationship... .  and weigh that up against what he is capable (or incapable) of providing.

If he is willing to change it will be evident by consistent behaviour to do so... .  If you aren't seeing that... .  the message he is sending you is clear... .  

[benny2]

You are right and I just texted him and told him I am done. This has got to end and I have to stick to my boundry. I am moving to the leaving board and staying there. This is really hard.

[Newton]

Of course it's hard... .  they have convinced us we are their world... .  and we accepted that responsibilty... .  

Working out why we did that is essential for us to heal... .  

The people on the leaving board are friendly, welcoming and understanding of your situation... .  

If thats where you are deciding to be... .  you will get as much support as you have done here