One day at a time

[whereisthezen]

That's all I know about being undecided.

Well also that I really loved the person I thought my husband was for past few years. Now I'm not sure I CAN love him. Yes they cause all the issues and leave many but I don't think I can love the behaviors. Id much rather reconstruct my own life or be with a happy man who is nice, simple and if I get a bonus, funny, every day.

It's one day at a time for me and lots of codependent workbooks/meetings. I hate drowning in knowing all of this behavioral stuff, thats my rant! Id much rather be learning about mutual love :D so for now its self love that I need the most.

Hope all undecided's are doing ok or doing better than before, maybe some will be one day a time like me. Hugs to you all!

[tuum est61]

Hi witz,

Thanks for your post.  It captures my outlook for the most part - although I have a feeling that at some point "one day at a time" will not be enough.  I also get tired of having all this knowledge now about BPD - even as it has given my a far better outlook. 

One thing that is better is that I do live more "in time moment" - being mindful to enjoy today rather than always be thinking how it - and my pwBPD - might be "better" tomorrow. 

[Healing4Ever]

I feel the same way - getting tired of spending time/energy on learning about BPD and figuring out how it all plays into MY life, and my DH's life.  Having grown up with an undiagnosed BPD mother as well, this feels endless. 

I feel the most empowered when I start to focus on how to make myself healthy - period.  Outside the context of anything to do with my partner, for now.  That's when I feel the best, but it's not always practical as I still am trying to figure out what to do about my r/s. Then I get sucked back into trying to figure out whatever it is I'm feeling, what's real and not real, and it's exhausting.

I also connect what you wrote about loving who you thought your husband was.  I feel like I'm loving the person my partner is when he's not making things up and blaming and distorting the truth, however, I am starting to see that person does not exist, but is tangled up for good with the bad behaviors too.  I know this is obvious, but I think I've been living on the dream that the bad behaviors will be fixed one day, and I've been waiting it out. 

hugs back! 

[bruceli]

One thing that is better is that I do live more "in time moment" - being mindful to enjoy today rather than always be thinking how it - and my pwBPD - might be "better" tomorrow. 

Heck, last Sunday, my BPDw was better after an HOUR!  A total 180 in an HOUR.  Talk about one HELL of a ride!

[whereisthezen]

Spent a couple days with my H during a business trip all organized and educational so was little stress. It's a flashback to why I wanted to be with him. Only two explosions that were because he didnt like what I said to a colleague... .  Literally the words I used, should have been classier, yeah flashforward to the present. Its one moment at a time but I have been changing, I told him I dont want to be "corrected" and not to do it again. My tolerance has gotten very low, I think my internal lightbulb is on now and Im more in protective mode of myself. Its good for me but Im also losing interest in him because my eyes are open to his behaviors... .  

Meditation is working nicely, breathe! 

[tuum est61]

One thing that is better is that I do live more "in time moment" - being mindful to enjoy today rather than always be thinking how it - and my pwBPD - might be "better" tomorrow. 

Heck, last Sunday, my BPDw was better after an HOUR!  A total 180 in an HOUR.  Talk about one HELL of a ride!

I have actually noticed that my effort to set boundaries and validate has reduced the time she spends splitting me bad - although she will spilt me bad for the very act of setting those boundaries and validating her as well!

I guess I am saying that the fairly rapid 180 actually represents progress for my relationship.  The smallest misunderstanding used to cause her dysregulation for the rest of the day and night.  "Recovery" times are much better now, and I do attribute it to better managing how I respond. 

[bruceli]

One thing that is better is that I do live more "in time moment" - being mindful to enjoy today rather than always be thinking how it - and my pwBPD - might be "better" tomorrow. 

Heck, last Sunday, my BPDw was better after an HOUR!  A total 180 in an HOUR.  Talk about one HELL of a ride!

I have actually noticed that my effort to set boundaries and validate has reduced the time she spends splitting me bad - although she will spilt me bad for the very act of setting those boundaries and validating her as well!

I guess I am saying that the fairly rapid 180 actually represents progress for my relationship.  The smallest misunderstanding used to cause her dysregulation for the rest of the day and night.  "Recovery" times are much better now, and I do attribute it to better managing how I respond. 

Same with me although I feel that at anytime that may change.