Sticking a Fork In It... Relationship is Done

[arejay]

Not three days ago I began posting with a sense of renewed optimism for my relationship with my uBPD GF. Now I'm ready to call it quits and walk. (I can certainly understand how BPD can make the surrounding people feel crazy)

It's been a long, slow decline for over six months as the "funk" has set in for good. In outbursts, she has said things like "why don't you just break up with me?", and "you should just go". I had always assumed it was primarily a dramatic statement said under the influence of strong emotion, so I did not take her up on the offer. The one time I did go out the door for "some time apart" I made it down the block before I was calmly called back to "talk about it".

Now, her outbursts are more subdued. She's feeling down after getting fired again (a string of jobs over the past year, some ending with dramatic flare-ups) But the clear theme is that she doesn't want me around. "I feel nothing", and "don't see this going anywhere" are heard regularly. This morning she was talking about a photo, and calmly said "when you break up with me... .  ".

I think we both know it's been heading that way for a while. She denies any responsibility, and is waiting for me to change. I'm done with bending myself out of shape to *attempt* to meet her demands. The past month, as I've learned about BPD, I've only been validating her concerns (no more excuses from me) and not jumping to do her bidding... .  which she interprets as "not communicating" and "not trying to fix things".

She remains oblivious to what she puts me through, and from what I've been learning, it gives me little to no hope for anything to change.

Far and above, the number one reason I could come up with for staying is that I worry about her, but I've seen that all over these forums... .  it's not a healthy solution for myself. Fortunately, our relationship (2.5 years, living together) is not too entangled... .  other than emotionally. No kids, no shared debt. I can make a clean break.

As much as it hurts me to think about, our relationship has died of natural causes. When I talk to her this weekend, I hope she can see it as calmly. I have no intention of trying to make any point as I go, and ready and willing to throw myself on the fire if it will help her wrap things up neatly. I just want my life back.

No more talks. No recycling. I'm done.

[Surnia]

It hurts, arejay, it is sad and in the same time it is also good to reach a point where undecided doesn't fit anymore.

And I can very much relate with your statement "I want my life back."

I hope the final talk will going well. Its got to be prepared for worse... .  A good thing is always to keep in mind: No JADE (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining).

I wish you luck and keep us posted 

[babyducks]

Holy Smokes AreJay,  I very nearly fell out of my chair.  That's it exactly.  Now dang it why couldn't I figure that out.   I have been twisting myself up like a pretzel trying to make her happy only to have yet more issue arise.  And after I learned a little bit about BPD and stopped engaging in the raging, it became "so this is all on me to figure out?"

I ended our relationship badly in a fit of frustration.   Wish I hadn't acted so badly at the end but right now, today, it almost feels like I was following the script.   That there was no other way out than the one she would allow,  me following the script, doing it her way so that, once again I could be the bad guy and she could walk away holding tight to the victim role that affords her some protection.   

I am really struck again at how incredibly similar our stories are.  All of our stories.

Hang in there.  Once she was out of my daily life I had to find ways to deal with the debris that were left.   And that has been almost a full time job.

[tuum est61]

Babyducks,

Your observations are bang on and very helpful.

I have actually managed to change the script quite a bit. Validating and setting boundaries have allowed me to detach from her BPD and hopefully write an ending that will allow me to stay.

I'm in a one day at a time mode, however, noting improvements as I keep my behaviour on a more even keel, but also clearly seeing the constraints she faces. 

Arejay, it appears you are on the way out.  Keep us posted on how it goes this weekend... .  

[babyducks]

tuum est61

You have my admiration and respect.   I get how much work it is to validate, set boundaries (I preferred the term establish borders because it felt like that to me).

Before my partner and I split for the final time, I had gone to therapy to help me with my behavior in our relationship.  I should say my retaliatory behavior.  I had made pretty good progress about putting up borders that kept my stuff on my side of the fence and her stuff on her side of the fence.

What appeared to happen as the borders got stronger was her uncomfortability got worse, maybe an extinction burst?  I dunno.  I am not qualified to judge.   

And as you say the constraints she faced became very very apparent.  Once she had thought herself into a corner she just could not see or find her way out.   It was not for lack of trying.   It actually kills me to think of how hard she was trying.   It was that she could not imagine or find another way to approach things.  How horrible to be trapped that way.

Tuum I hope you and yours find a way to write an ending that allows you to stay.  I would love to think that for some people some where there is hope and happiness.

BD