So lost and lonely right now...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

AAAGH!

I always knew leaving her would be hard and in the weeks leading up to leaving, I had planned to leave with both my kids (D10 and D4) to protect them from anymore abuse, (shouting, screaming, emotional blackmail manipulation, threats of suicide in front of them, asking me to kill her in front of them etc etc)

I hadn't planned far beyond leaving and was offered to stay where we are by some good friends who could see what was going on.

Now I've left (unfortunately with only the D10, became a had to leave rather than a planned leave.)

I feel so lost and alone.

My eldest is refusing point blank to see or speak to her mother and this is leaving me in not such a good place for getting access to see my youngest.

I have spent the last week trying to get an advocate for my eldest so it can be clearly seen that I am not blocking access, and that my daughter is refusing it.

The only way it seems I can get her an advocate is to report to social services that my eldest is at risk of abuse if they were to see each other.

The thing is, it's the truth. on the 2 occasions I have managed to get ny eldest to meet with her (she only agreed so she could see her younger sister) my ex has been puting pressure on her for more contact, like last week when we met, my ex changed all the plans on the last minute so that she could get intense 1 to 1 time with my eldest. our original plan was in a very busy public place which my eldest liked the idea of so she could see her sister but avoid pressure. As it went, my ex kept trying to get her to 'promise' to see her every day etc etc. in the end I had to step in (not nice to have to do)

So why don't I report it?

well, as it stands, I am homeless, my income over the last few months has been little more than a pittance with all that has been going on, my confidence is at an all time low at a time when I need to be just getting up and on it, and I am getting a boatload of pressure from her family not to go to SS because 'she' is trying to get help now (apparently).

I just sat and cried this morning (I don't do that often at all) I keep wondering where to turn and what to do next... .  

I am lost... .  

[thehippy]

AAAGH!

I always knew leaving her would be hard and in the weeks leading up to leaving, I had planned to leave with both my kids (D10 and D4) to protect them from anymore abuse, (shouting, screaming, emotional blackmail manipulation, threats of suicide in front of them, asking me to kill her in front of them etc etc)

I hadn't planned far beyond leaving and was offered to stay where we are by some good friends who could see what was going on.

Now I've left (unfortunately with only the D10, became a had to leave rather than a planned leave.)

I feel so lost and alone.

My eldest is refusing point blank to see or speak to her mother and this is leaving me in not such a good place for getting access to see my youngest.

I have spent the last week trying to get an advocate for my eldest so it can be clearly seen that I am not blocking access, and that my daughter is refusing it.

The only way it seems I can get her an advocate is to report to social services that my eldest is at risk of abuse if they were to see each other.

The thing is, it's the truth. on the 2 occasions I have managed to get ny eldest to meet with her (she only agreed so she could see her younger sister) my ex has been puting pressure on her for more contact, like last week when we met, my ex changed all the plans on the last minute so that she could get intense 1 to 1 time with my eldest. our original plan was in a very busy public place which my eldest liked the idea of so she could see her sister but avoid pressure. As it went, my ex kept trying to get her to 'promise' to see her every day etc etc. in the end I had to step in (not nice to have to do)

So why don't I report it?

well, as it stands, I am homeless, my income over the last few months has been little more than a pittance with all that has been going on, my confidence is at an all time low at a time when I need to be just getting up and on it, and I am getting a boatload of pressure from her family not to go to SS because 'she' is trying to get help now (apparently).

I just sat and cried this morning (I don't do that often at all) I keep wondering where to turn and what to do next... .  

I am lost... .  

[marbleloser]

I'm sorry thehippy. It's a tough position to be in. Where is D4 and stbx? Are they living in the marital home?

If so,the first thing you need to do,regardless how bad it is,is move back in ASAP.

[thehippy]

There is no way on gods green earth I could get my D10 to do that

I have suggested it, but it I would consider my actions of taking her back into that worse than the abuse she gets from her mother. Her mother is ill and out of control. I on the other hand, am not and cannot put her through any more of it. Having your ten year old child beg you to leave because they can't take any more abuse is too much for anyone. telling that child that  they have to go back is not an option.

[scraps66]

It's move back in, or get a parenting plan in place ASAfP.  You have to show that your moving out was not abandonment.  Moving out is not the end all kiss of death in all cases.  If you just fled because, that is construed in the fine family courts across the US as earnest abandonment of your family.  I would also be careful with social services and maybe suggest opting the legal route.  I have heard countless stories of social services doing more harm than good and that coming from elmentary school psychologists. 

God speed for protecting your kids tot he best of your abilities, but at this point it sounds like you need a legal advocate for you, and the kids,   

[thehippy]

Ah, "across the US" We're in the UK. I have spoken to UK Social Services, they have said they wont offer any support because I have protected my daughter by removing her from the abuse... .  I would love to get her an advocate, but can only get one through SS.

[scraps66]

OK, good thing they agree the child is safe.  Seems to me the UK operates similiarly than the US, in that the system stinks!  I would go through whatever motions necessary to formalize an agreement for parenting time.  This is what I was talking about, before moving out it's best to have a parenting plan in place to show that you are committed to staying in contact wiht your children, but are choosing to move out to reduce conflict.  BTW, I have a copy of "Family Court Hell" on my shelf, biography of a guys struggle getting through family court in the UK.  Could not finish cuzz it just infuriated me with the similarity to the US.  So we are all here on some common ground no matter the geography.

Good luck.