New to the Forum... but a Vet with my BPD spouse.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I am glad I found somewhere to possibly release some of my pent up confusion about my relatioinship with my wife.  I suppose I am looking to gain from others experiences and knowledge in how to handle my own situation.  I have been married to her for 6 years. During that time we have done what I now know to be recycling... .  a significant number of times.  I take responsibility for my share of them and suppose at times I rebel against her control... .  just to keep my sanity. (but it never ends well)

Just to give some background, I am an ESTJ, military retiree.  Since my current relationship began I have had to learn to deal with some of the personal growth issues of an ESTJ and be more sensitive to others and to not be receptive to other ideas and acknowledge the fact that I don't know even close to "everything" about anything in particular. 

My wife is an ESFJ in just about every sense of the word and has what we believe to be early onset of Alzheimer's, she is not able to work because she can't remember things but they won't put her on disability because she doesn't appear mentally disabled.  She is Bipolar II and her Psyc recently said she may have BPD. (I have told her for 2 years she was BPD) The only trait she doesn't really have is the suicidal tendencies, although she faked taking a bunch of pills once when I wouldn't come home while she was raging about something I had done. (or not done)  I called 911, they came and hauled her to the hospital and made her drink charcoal and released her to me.  I'm not sure if it is a BPD trait but my wife will not take "no" for an answer if it is something she has in her head that she wants to do or wants me to do.  She will litterally stay up all night fighting with me knowing I have to go to work until I relent and give her, her own way.  I have become the king of compromise but I am the one that relents and gives in.  If I don't... .  my life is a living hell till I do. Her abandonment fears are huge, I used to have hobbies, now I have none. She has one hobby... .  me.

We recently had a big falling out and I attempted to leave to defuse the situation and she got physically violent. Hitting and tackling me a number of times to prevent me from leaving.  Then stand in my face saying hit me!  I eventually got away and they came and arrested her for assault. She was sorry... .  and promised the world if I would let her come home so they released her to my custody.  We are separated by chance as it was planned because her daughter is about to give birth and she is seveal states away.  She went but calls me or texts constantly and posts all sort of praise on our facebook. We go through the praise and devaluation every time we go through this.  I was litterally every bad word she could think of then mysteriously it shifted to praise about what a great husband I am.  I am just to the point that even though I love her, I feel the relationship is unhealthy for me and I need to jump off this roller coaster while I am still able to do so. I am actually getting afraid of her to be honest. They said her medicine had stopped working and started her on some new but I just dont' know if I can continually go through this this type of thing till they get the meds right... .  I am worried about what she may doto me  in a rage, or while I sleep. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Hanginon

[hanginon]

Hello,

I am glad I found somewhere to possibly release some of my pent up confusion about my relatioinship with my wife.  I suppose I am looking to gain from others experiences and knowledge in how to handle my own situation.  I have been married to her for 6 years. During that time we have done what I now know to be recycling... .  a significant number of times.  I take responsibility for my share of them and suppose at times I rebel against her control... .  just to keep my sanity. (but it never ends well)

Just to give some background, I am an ESTJ, military retiree.  Since my current relationship began I have had to learn to deal with some of the personal growth issues of an ESTJ and be more sensitive to others and to not be receptive to other ideas and acknowledge the fact that I don't know even close to "everything" about anything in particular. 

My wife is an ESFJ in just about every sense of the word and has what we believe to be early onset of Alzheimer's, she is not able to work because she can't remember things but they won't put her on disability because she doesn't appear mentally disabled.  She is Bipolar II and her Psyc recently said she may have BPD. (I have told her for 2 years she was BPD) The only trait she doesn't really have is the suicidal tendencies, although she faked taking a bunch of pills once when I wouldn't come home while she was raging about something I had done. (or not done)  I called 911, they came and hauled her to the hospital and made her drink charcoal and released her to me.  I'm not sure if it is a BPD trait but my wife will not take "no" for an answer if it is something she has in her head that she wants to do or wants me to do.  She will litterally stay up all night fighting with me knowing I have to go to work until I relent and give her, her own way.  I have become the king of compromise but I am the one that relents and gives in.  If I don't... .  my life is a living hell till I do. Her abandonment fears are huge, I used to have hobbies, now I have none. She has one hobby... .  me.

We recently had a big falling out and I attempted to leave to defuse the situation and she got physically violent. Hitting and tackling me a number of times to prevent me from leaving.  Then stand in my face saying hit me!  I eventually got away and they came and arrested her for assault. She was sorry... .  and promised the world if I would let her come home so they released her to my custody.  We are separated by chance as it was planned because her daughter is about to give birth and she is seveal states away.  She went but calls me or texts constantly and posts all sort of praise on our facebook. We go through the praise and devaluation every time we go through this.  I was litterally every bad word she could think of then mysteriously it shifted to praise about what a great husband I am.  I am just to the point that even though I love her, I feel the relationship is unhealthy for me and I need to jump off this roller coaster while I am still able to do so. I am actually getting afraid of her to be honest. They said her medicine had stopped working and started her on some new but I just dont' know if I can continually go through this this type of thing till they get the meds right... .  I am worried about what she may doto me  in a rage, or while I sleep. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Hanginon

[jrx]

Definitely sounds familiar. My exBPDgf was bipolar II also. Every word in your post after "compromise" is something I've lived with. Until the part about possibly being hurt in my sleep. I'm very, very much not an expert, but if you're ex-military, and afraid about your SO hurting you while sleeping, I think it'd be a good idea to carefully listen to what your gut is telling you about your safety. Hang in there.

[jrx]

BTW, just to be clear, by "hang in there" I mean stay strong and true to yourself. 

[hanginon]

jrandom,

Thanks for the reply, I had started to think no one wanted to address my situation.  I would like to clarify, I may have been a little dramatic about the afraid to sleep part but I base that on how she can be when she goes off the deep end.  She has never directly threatened to do anything to me I suppose it is just a feeling I get.  She has on numerous occasions said if she ever caught me cheating on her she would cut off my bits and pieces if you know what I mean. That was pretty unsettling to me and I told her about it... .  her response was that if I didn't cheat I don't have anything to worry about.  I told her that was a little upsetting to me that she would threaten me with such a thing... .  and that is where I guess that worry/feeling comes from.  My concern is that there are times that her mind is not based in reality but instead is replaced by what she "feels", logic or problem solving is not involved in the process.  Since our last encounter she is out of town and with family in another state, she calls and texts all the time and is very vocal about how much she misses me and several times has been concerned that my "missing" her has not been expressed on the same level.  I am just glad for some at least temporary relief.

Hanginon

[hanginon]

jrandom,

I knew what you meant but thanks for clarifying. It can be tough to deal with.  I seem to be way behind in dealing with boundaries and FOG.

Hanginon

[Grey Kitty]

hanginon,

I do have one suggestion for you, realizing that you have some time with your wife away: You say you gave up hobbies and friends, let me say in shorthand, by giving in to her emotional blackmail.

Right now she's away, and while she can argue and criticize from a distance, you ARE currently free to take back some of the fun things your life used to have. I strongly encourage you to do it NOW, just to build some strength and energy, and remember what it felt like... .  it will help you deal better when she comes back.

Do take good care of yourself!

 GK

[jrx]

H,

I know how the joke threat feels. There’s another thing I wasn't aware of until I experienced it. One time I disengaged from my exBPDgf rant rage by going to the garage to drive away.

She followed me holding a kitchen knife. I had a genuine panic reaction when I saw this. The thing is, she was so in her own head, she didn't realize she had a knife! She didn't threaten me with it, she was cutting vegetables. I'm glad your situation is more of a joke threat.

I just worry for other people because of implicit and overt threats. Sometimes they have no inkling what they're doing. There’s just something blocked in their minds. I've read about bipolar also. I'm erring on the side of caution, and am not an expert by any means, but a manic event distorts reality and sometimes results in paranoia (not sure if I or II).

BTW, you mentioned logic. I feel your pain there. I'm naturally very logical, but it doesn't work on BPD in my experience. Hypocrisy by definition defies logic, but it's part for the course with BPD. The mental distortion is so great that logic is almost invalidating to them. It feels to them like you're trying to debate them. I'm an idiot, I know this and still try to do it :-)

I'm glad you're getting some relief. My ex squats at my house, and we had a typical enormous blow up today, and the day before, and anyway. I'm at a hotel now enjoying time away from the toxicity. I hope you enjoy your moments of peace as well.

[hanginon]

GK and JR,

Thanks for the input. I think I am going to do some of what is suggested about doing some of those things again while I can.  I have been tied up with school work for a bachelor's degree I am trying to wrap up and haven't had a lot of time.  Something I am not sure about how to take... .  is that over this past weekend I told her that basically I was finished with our relationship because I just didn't think I could live like we do and still look myself in the mirror as a man, and she asked me why?  I told her because of the way she treats me, I feel like a child who has absolutly no control over my life from where we eat, who I can talk to and any number of other rules I am expected to follow.  The part that gets me is that I am the one that completely provides for everything we have to include insurance for her grown children living in another state, and she asked... .  what do you mean? Through her FOG, the way things have evolved over time like they have... .  with the tightening the rope tighter and tighter restricting my personal freedoms like she has, its difficult to quantify "what she is doing" I said "everything" and I know that sounded stupid but it was the only thing I could come up with on the spot. To me it pretty much is "everything". In order to pasify the moment at her urging, I told her that we would see what her new meds do... .  because I could tell just like all the times before, she would not give me a moments rest till I agreed... .  but in my heart, I know that no matter how much I love her, I am sure the cycle will just repeat like it always has and the fact that I am getting uncomfortable thinking about what she could do in a rage.  (snapped has been one of her favorite shows)  She over reacted when I mentioned my fears to her and of course minimized it saying I was just being "silly" and making me sound crazy... .  but I have seen what she can become and it is somewhat disturbing to me. Travis Alexander most likely didn't think that Jodi was capable of something like that either and he isn't around to tell you how he screwed up staying in a rocky relationship with someone with problems. Since I told her that, she has been so kind and sweet and pretends we never had the conversation about me being ready to pull the plug.  I had already planned to go see her this weekend coming and already have tickets. I am fearful that while I am there she is going to want me to "promise" all sorts of things about our relationship, if I don't... .  it will be a never ending fight till I do and I am going to be filling her head with ideas that I may not be willing to follow through with.  Nothing about my situation is easy other than that for now... .  right this moment, she is cheerful and happy. She doesn't understand why I am not the same way. We had talked about her possibly staying away till we work through some things but now she can't wait to get back to me... .  and that is not what we talked about at all.

Thanks for the ear and the support. This may get a lot worse before I have a chance to get better myself.

Hanginon

[hanginon]

jr,

Your ex squats at your house and you are at a motel for relief? I feel for you and in a sick sort of way... .  understand.

Hanginon