International Imperfect Family Celebration Week

[mamachelle]

I just want to declare this:

International Imperfect Family Celebration Week

In my house the week leading up to mother’s day is always this fairly stressful time. Bombarded with ads for Mother’s Day. Expectations mix with reality and it’s always hard for all of us.

My 3SS 8,10,15 have to deal with the fact that mom is 1000 miles away now. She flies in to see them. They compete, the younger ones that is… to get her nicer gifts.

DH has to buy her the gifts and deal with his suppressed anger that he is primary caretaking parent while bio mom lives a free life. Ok, she has BPD and this is the best arrangement for them most likely, but he still feels resentful deep down that she is so incapable as a Mom.

My 2DD have to share me with their Bros -- they seem the most grounded but I know they sometimes miss just having me all to themselves.

I have my own FOO issues. My M passed away when I was young… Grew up in blended families of varying functionality…. One of my Smom could be called wicked… the other I love dearly.

Also my own issues with the sugary sweet MOTY cards and gifts my SS get so excited about and want me to see and approve of as I quietly bite my tongue.

There are 3 grandmas alive, 2 passed away…

Kids making Mothers Day crap at school with little room for stepmoms in the mix. It was crazy when they were little and they would bring stuff home from school and feel bad over who they should give it to ? me or her?

I just want to say, all of us here, working on making these imperfect families work need to be recognized too.

Hope your week before Mother’s Day is a little less stressful this year!

Tell me your stories if you want.

Any suggestions for making Mother's Day easier for all us are welcome too.



 mamachelle

[DreamGirl]

For me, I don't hold a lot of attachment in Mother's Day when it comes to my stepkids.

I'm not their mom.

I say that with not only conviction, but  a swollen heart as well because I love my stepdaughters very much.  I also think that loving their mom is something that they have to figure out their own balance in, and using me as some kind of pseudo fill-in will only hinder them in that.  

I'm stepmom.

Most experts will tell you not to expect recognition or thanks from the kiddos. It's better to be pleasantly surprised (by acknowledgement) then to be disappointed (by being ignored on that day dedicated to Mama's - regardless of their Mama's capabilities in that role). I've learned a hundred times over that my stepkids need to acknowledge their mama because Mama needs it.

Perhaps that's what your stepson's are doing. For the girls mom, their is a certain superficial/materialistic "proving your love" that she has engrained in them... .  and where my SDs will spend lots of time making cards/gifts or what not for their mama and know that a long note that says "I love you Dad" will have him in tears and full of a loving embrace.  

So again for me, I personally leave it up to the hubs to "appreciate me" - because him, I have expectations of. To make me breakfast and perhaps ask the kiddos to help in that... .  to allow me some lounge time on the Sunday I'd usually be doing laundry.

Here's a lovely sentiment that I have saved on my computer. It helps me every single time I read it:

Invisible Mother... .   

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone (or even on the toilet) and ask to be taken somewhere.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm busy?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.  I'm invisible.  The invisible Mom.  Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:  Can you fix this?  Can you tie this?  Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being.  I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'  I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'  I'm a taxi to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'  I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.  She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. My friend had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.  It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when my friend turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:  "... .  with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book.  And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work. No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

 

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam.  He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof?  No one will ever see it.'  And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ' I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.  No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over.  You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction.   But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.  It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.  It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder.  As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4:00 in the morning and bakes homemade pies.  Then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.'  That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself.  I just want him to want to come home.  And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

[mamachelle]

Dream Girl,

I am wiping back a few tears and smiling as I read this. It's really beautiful. I will keep this one too for me. Thank You!

Yesterday as I was typing my mini manifesto... .  my s2 was napping on my chest, then woke up. My SS8 and 10 were sitting in chairs staring at me telling me, S2 has pooped -- either that or S10 didn't wipe his butt,   S2 needs to be picked up  :'(, mamachelle let's go to the park. Why can't we go to the park?   We want to take S2 to the park... .  and all i wanted to do was finish writing this because it had been bugging me all weekend.  I just was getting so fed up with the Mother's Day stuff and wanted to just feel good about where we were as a family and where I was as a mom on my path... .  

I had another interesting moment this weekend as well that sort of drove me to post that as well about making blended families work.

My SS10 was upset that I always take my 2DD13 and 16 and sometimes my SS15 to Target to go shopping on weekends to pick up my stuff. I also take S2. SS10 is a difficult kid with BPD traits and though I do take him occasionally I prefer not to because of all his drama.  He was crying and crying and basically holding up everyone's day and I said

Listen SS10, you went shopping with Dad yesterday and he took you out. You bought great stuff for your Mom. Now, DD did not go out yesterday and are not going to get to do a bunch of fun things with me next weekend... .  and I really like to spend time with my DD 13 and 16. I take you to the park and do things with you too. You get to see Mom next weekend when she comes in to town and do fun things. I like to spend time with DD13 and 16 and it's nothing against you.

He replied, well you guys are getting stuff and you always go to Starbucks too... .  AND MY MOM DOESN'T LIVE HERE AND AND... .  

I said, fine, I will get you the bin you want for your room and whatever you want from Starbucks. He calmed down right away.

Without saying anything dishonest or discounting his feelings, I was able to get him for a few moments to have some clarity and not expect me to be able to be all things to all people.

I just can't do it. Refuse to do it.

Anyway, thanks for your post and getting it.

 mamachelle

[newlymarried]

SD4's Biomom has decided that out of state travel is more important that spending mother's day with kiddo. The last time she left it was for 3 months, so this is a tenuous holiday. Kiddo doesn't know her days, but knows when she should be seeing her mom. This weekend will be me, kiddo and DH.

[DreamGirl]

This weekend will be me, kiddo and DH.

So what are you to do this weekend then? Something fun?

Is the hubs planning on "honoring" your role?

[newlymarried]

Depends on his work schedule. He is in law enforcement, so he gets called in a lot.

[mamachelle]

NM,

When my Step kids were this age, they did do the arts and crafts mom stuff for Mother's Day in preschool. They used to often give the stuff to me for Mother's Day... .  or 1 of my SS would give me the flower/drawing/poem/heart shape picture frame and the other would give to his BioMom--  It was confusing for all of us.   One year in preschool they made both me and mom stuff it was so nice. I wish that all the teachers over the years were so sensitive to the dynamic.

If that happens, and/or she seems confused... .  my advice is to have her dad take her and pick a nice little gift out for her mom.

That's just my .02 ... . Enjoy the day with her regardless.

mamachelle

[newlymarried]

Kiddo did do some arts and crafts at preschool, and DH and I will talk about what will happen with them. BPDbiomom is a challenge.

[Thunderstruck]

I ask SO's D8 what she wants to do for her BPDmom for mother's day, she replies "nothing". Then after yet another attempt at prodding her (I don't know if I'm doing it right, I'm trying to encourage her to *want* to celebrate her mom), she let loose. She had all these bottled up hurt feelings. Mom doesn't love me, mom will only throw away anything I make her, mom is mean to me. Mom loves my older sister (from another father, she lives with BPDmom's parents in another state) more than me, mom keeps everything from older sister but not from me. Etc.

So... .  I don't know. I'll encourage her to draw a card for mom or something. Maybe we can pick flowers. In the meantime I keep reassuring her that mom loves D8 very deeply but in her own way.

But as for me, I've only been at this for a short time so I don't feel at all that I've earned "mother's day" status. I don't even feel like I've earned "step-mother's day" status.    So it's not about me.

[mamachelle]

Hey Thunderstruck,

You sound like you are doing the right things.     I would try to stay out of any more conversations about Mom, mother's day or gift giving or whatnot and let your SO take her to get a gift. He can bribe her with getting her an ice cream or something.   

She's angry now but she'll feel worse showing up empty handed on Mother's Day I would guess.

mamachelle