Grief - am I avoiding these feelings?

[qcarolr]

Vivek  has given me such great support in my struggles to have DD26 leave our home. And she asked me about the grief I may be suffering. This really stopped me to ponder. My T has also brought this up, and I quickly deflect the dialogue into a new direction. What a skill I have in denying that I have real emotions.

Dh, DD and gd hate display of any emotions. It is 'embarassing'. Has gd been taught this in our home? She asks me not to sing to radio or in church, and she acts disgusted whenever I cry. I keep saying to my family - I am allowed to show my feelings even if they are sad. Seems only anger is appropriate in our home - even as dh and gd keep saying 'stop yelling', 'you are talking too loud'. I have intense emotions - I do talk faster and louder when ever expressing strong emotions. Even good ones, or excited ones, or loving one. So often my tears come unexpectedly from someone showing me love - that I am worthy of their kindness.  Where does all this shame come from in this home?

So this is what I need to work on here and with my T. I think the practical situation is more manageable with DD living outside our home, so maybe I will have energy for myself - and during the day and evening instead of the middle of the night (like it is getting to again tonight as dh sleeps in front of the tv).

How do I feel? Relieved, some sadness, less fearful, less fatigued, more laughter with dh and gd. The anger has dissipated. I know that grief is here somewhere -- am I temporarily at a place of acceptance? That magical place where I can put some of this behind me and move on?

For now I can breathe again. Enjoy many moments during the day. Let go of so many guilt feelings for taking some time for myself. And finding that dh is OK with my self-care plans. I am participating in a mom's mentoring group at church bi-weekly for a couple months. We are using the book "Loving our Kids on Purpose" to guide our group discussions. And this is just right for me with many different family situations in the group. Though mine is the most complex. There is another mom trying to divorce what sounds like a BPD sposie to me. And lots of moms of toddlers and babies dealing with the intensity of those years.

I have been here less as I am focuing on other support building in my community. That is the new part that has moved into my radar from many different sources. I need a good team of support around me. Professional counselor(s), friends that can know me deeply, and reconnect with family that we have been isolated from for too long. There are some that cannot understand and we will continue a more superficial r/s there. dh and I have to put energy into this. We have isolated for a long time - this is a hard personal challenge for each of us. And we are so grateful for so many opportunites crossing our path lately -- so many. It is hard to ask for prayers and other support given our independent natures and quiet cautious approach to the communities around us.

I wonder - have you stopped to ponder where you are in grieving the loss of a troubled child - the one that you dreamed of that will never be? Where are you at in this multi-step process today?

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Grieving for me is cyclical. It comes and goes mostly triggered by events and typical milestones not met. It can be as simple as seeing DD's long lost friends from elementary school at Target, home for spring break from college. It can be triggered when my D is not doing well or doing well. It can be in peaceful times on a long walk by myself or in the depths of some scary stuff with her. I'm not sure there is an end point to grieving, it comes and goes. It can last for an hour or a few days. Each time I just honor it and be with it.

Being Mindful

[griz]

My grief also comes in many forms.  There are times when DD is troubled with something and I grieve over where we are and then oddly enough there are times when DD is doing quite well and I feel myself grieving.  In these times I am not sure why I am grieving.  I think sometimes it is fear that this won't last, sometimes I think it is a release of tears that I am fighting all the time when things are not good and I can finally let them out for a moment and breathe.  I have many triggers that surrond me all the time.  Much like Being Mindful I am often triggered by seeing one of DD's old friends or for right now it is hearing about all of them choosing their colleges and getting ready to leave the nest and start their new lives.  This was something that I had done with my older daughter and it was such a magical time and now I grieve as DD does not have this.  She is in the local Community College. 

I am also working in therapy on showing emotions.  I am not quite sure why but this is difficult for me.  My T believes that as I was growing up with my much needy brother I was left to my own devices often being expected to carry on like an adult.  I learned to be extremely focused and get done what needs to be done.  No emotion allowed in these circumstances since I could never let my emotions get in the way.  I have lived a life according to the mantra... .  "when the going gets tough, the tough get going"  which has made me successful in many areas however has left me void in the emotional world.  People will often "completment" me with saying (knowing all we have been through) "you are the strongest person I know".  Not so inside.

BeingMindful:  what do you do to just honor it.  Can you give me some suggestions that might help me.

Griz

[qcarolr]

  I have lived a life according to the mantra... .  "when the going gets tough, the tough get going"  which has made me successful in many areas however has left me void in the emotional world.  People will often "completment" me with saying (knowing all we have been through) "you are the strongest person I know".  Not so inside.

It feels so invalidating when someone says this to me - that i have so much courage, how well I am doing to suvive in such a complex situation... .  How can I take this in as it is intended, not as I am reacting to it? I hear this from both the T's that I see. It makes it so hard to trust them to help me find the emotions that need to come to the surface. Hey, maybe I just need to say this to them - it looks like strength, but inside I am shaking and crying and feeling alone.

BeingMindful:  what do you do to just honor it.  Can you give me some suggestions that might help me.

Honor my grief. How to figure this out. I too am curious how you do this being mindful.

qcr  

[Being Mindful]

Honoring grieving:

1. I be with it, not shutting it down.

2. I take time with it, recognizing it, talking to it, embracing it.

3. I share it with a family member or friend... .  Hey best friend from childhood, this is a rough day for me, I'm really sad because of xxx.

4. I cry and not stop it.

5. Acknowledge that... .  this too will pass.

6. I pray

7. I scream.

[swampped]

Good thread, qcr.  I feel like somewhat of an interloper on this board, as the pwBPD in our lives is an exDIL, but sihe is the mother of our gd4, and in some ways I am attached to her and hope for her healing.  Our ds33 is the one with a developmental disability, which is mild to be sure, but serious enough that he struggles to work at minimum wage jobs and to negotiate lifes kup and downs.  His exwife is far brighter than he, and is able to push his buttons without fail.  So my grief is for the ds who has been in our lives all this time, as well as for his exwife, and it certainly does cycle around and around.   I think I find it easiest when I am angry with one or both of them,  and that has been fairly frequent over the years of their relationship.  First at him, for fathering a child with someone he did not know, then with her, for taking advantage of his trusting nature, and milking every dollar he/we could provide, with no apparent ability to manage those dollars.  And then I get angry with dh and myself, for not being able to set good boundaries, and for continuing to jump when there is a crisis.  So the anger comes around and around.  The denial---that has been in place since ds was first diagnosed at age 7 months, and takes different forms depending on where he is/what we are doing about it.  I could write a book about our denial, and the many many many chances we have provided for him to succeed.  But you know about all of that.  Depression is something I live with---as does my dh.  I moreso than he, as I have inherited major depressive disorder and have taken anti-depressant "soup" (or so I call it) for many years.  The medication is necessary for me to stay alive, and makes life's other problems much more manageable.  And then acceptance---it comes, ever so slowly, in tiny bits and pieces.  I am really working on the whole idea of radical acceptance, but have to admit that the "radical" thing has me stuck.  When our gd4 was born, we prayed, as do all grandparents, for a healthy child, in a loving family (and some chances to spoil her).  She was healthy---did not inherit our ds's brain malformation, and has been blessed with good health since.  The loving family was an illusion, which was shattered very shortly after they married and moved away.  And our chance to spend time with her and spoil her is very limited under these circumstances.

So there is my grief.  Around and around and around it goes.  Add in the FOG that bedevils any mother of a special needs child (or mother-in-law!), and each day can be a challenge.  On the other hand, living one day at a time, as AlAnon has taught me, allows this particular day when the sun is out, the crisis is no worse than a flat tire, and our gd4 is apparently happy---well, that makes it all good.

You have contributed mightily to my understanding of BPD, dear qcr.  I pray that some of the wisdom you have so generously imparted to strangers on this board will serve you as you continue to balance your very complicated life.  And, FWIW,  I also think you are remarkably strong!           Swampped

[griz]

Thank you BM:  I am going to write these things down so I can remind myself.  Yesterday I was having a very very sad day.  DD has been doing ok and now my older daughter was just diagnosed with Pelvic Floor Dysfunction.  She spent the whole weekend crying and I just felt so overwhelmed and saddened by life.  I spent the day working outside till I was bone tired when what I really needed was a good cry.

Griz

[qcarolr]

Griz - I have been known to work outside and cry at the same time - if I can be alone with it. Or just being outside can be helpful. Or pushing gd in her new most awesome giant hammock swing strung from a 20 foot rope in our backyard tree. And to see dh swining and grinning ear to ear. And being able to keep the joy of it later in the day.

So very grateful for dh and gd -- my love for them makes it easier to find the love I need for myself. Ok, I am strong and intelligent and stubborn and self-sufficient. All these qualities can make it hard to let the feelings bubble up very often.

There are times  I need to be weak to get stronger. if that makes any sense.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

I think my grief has been eased (?) because I can share it.

I have you here (bless you all   )

I have a network of yoga community friends - they may not know any details but that know I have been seriously grieving for 18mths now.

Would you believe, my IL's, who were the bane of my life and a source of so much pain to me, seem to understand a little. Since dh and I have been upfront with all those close to us about our dd having a mental illness and its affect on us, and what she says and does/doesn't do, we have caring people around us.

My grief is a constant humming away in the background. My task is not to let it get overwhelming. I achieve this by connecting with the universe and that great goodness that is always there in the world.

It's my much subsided anger that requires more work... .  still so hurt by those who tried to tell me I was imagining it, that it would go away, that it was all my fault anyway... .  I feel let down by all who love me in this regard.

Ah well, my pain is nothing compared to what my dd feels. I can afford to be strong... .  I know better and I am supported.

love to you all,

Vivek    

[mggt]

How to deal with grief Wow is there really any answer it is like mourning a person who dies every day not one day but every day it is this constant nervous stomach ache that will not go away .  The only time is when we are asleep and when we wake up it is

Groundhog day all over again somedays better than others .  Sorry to be so blunt and melancholy but... .  this is how I feel today and most days.  We love our children so very much and the hurt I think comes from not being able to fix them even just a little... .      

[jellibeans]

At times I do feel a certain kind of sadden when I see my friends kids doing so well... .  I try not to linger on that though. On the most part I am hopeful and accept my dd is going to have a different plan than most. She is an original and she is going to do it her way. It is not going to be easy for her but she is pretty stubborn so I think she will make something of herself.

qcr... .  something you said struck me... .  when you talked about that place where you can see things clearly and all makes sense. I love those moments... .  they don't often last long but they are great while I have them.

I am really trying to focus on the here and now. Looking to the future... .  suporting my dd the best I can and realizing it is her choice and her life. Radical acceptance... .  being less judgemental... .  less controling... .  not trying to fix everything... .  

I think I have already grieved for my dd some time ago... .  letting go of what you thought was going to happen and accepting that the future might be very different. Yes it does seem like groundhog day over and over again but that just gives you another opportunity to change your response... .  the cycle has to break at sometime... .  right?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders