Thanks to you, the fog is clearing

[angeldust1]

I am finally getting the navagational skills I need to really sink my teeth into.  Thank you so much all of  you, whom have been so patient with me.

Now I think I can possibly make some headway with my progress with my BPD adult child.  It is hard when there is no communication between he and I,  but at least I can distance myself emotionally if nothing else,   from missing him so much.  I really enjoy what all of you had to say on my last post.  It is so very hard NOT to take this personally,  which is what I have done for the past 25 years.  My BPD is 40 going on 12,  Emotionally and realtionship wise.  He is extremely mature financially and does well in his work.   THANK GOD! one less thing  I have to worry about.  I suppose that is one reason I have such a hard time understanding this confusing disorder.

I  think I can see a little of the fog clearing,   after reading the replies to my last post.  Things which I once saw as "all my fault, and "I was such  horrible parent".     I see how all of you,  struggle with the same issues.   Not that misery loves company,  but it sure is nice to have company,  and not feel so alone in all of this.  My husband is extremely helpful and supportive,  but I feel he is as worn out from trying to soothe the pain I'm in.  This is not his biological child,  so he cannot feel the same pain I'm in.  Although he tries to.  My BPD's father is bi-polar or BPD or both,  so I know this has something to do with genitics. 

Thankfully I have a normal daughter,  who is loving and caring,  but I do not try to talk with her because  she has enough to deal with,  with two young children,  and has breast cancer.   

Now I have found all of you who understand more than anyone else ever has.  Nothing like living it, right?  Thanks again to all of you so much for just being here on this site.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

Things which I once saw as "all my fault, and "I was such  horrible parent".   

My husband is extremely helpful and supportive,  but I feel he is as worn out from trying to soothe the pain I'm in.  This is not his biological child,  so he cannot feel the same pain I'm in.  Although he tries to.  My BPD's father is bi-polar or BPD or both,  so I know this has something to do with genitics.   [/color]

Hi angeldust1   

I can relate SO well with what you are saying about both of these things, and you are right... .  it is so hard NOT to take it personally.  Especially when they are using those exact words to hurt you, you can't help but doubt yourself and feel like maybe it really is your fault! 

My husband is so wonderful about all this as well - and he hates seeing the pain that my dd35 causes me, as he too is not her biological parent and we don't have any children together.  I wish that we did because I too feel like genetics is such a factor in all this and that he has a great gene pool!  :-)

Hang in there and take care of yourself - and try to remember... .  you did not cause this, I am trying to remember the same!   

[angeldust1]

Thank you Suchsadness,

I think you must taken the name I should have.  There is such a sadness about this disorder,  :'( somedays I'm just so angry at him for isolating me,  but I suppose it's better than him driving me nuts,  and disrespecting me.  Sometimes,  I even like to think he is rescueing me from himself,  and that he really doesn't realize how much it hurts me.  What ever the case may be... .  it is what it i

    Then some days I miss him so much I want to cry all day.  I seem to vasolate between the two and don't know quite  where I will be when I wake up. Since I have joined the site again,  it has really helped me to talk about it with people who definitley understand,   and I have not cried since I did.  And feel totally validated that I didn't do all he thinks I did. 

We must have all gone a little nuts,  when we first started dealing with this.  I know I did. 

I also had a bi-polar husband I was trying to deal with and understand as well when my son was young.   Until after 20 years of trying I finally gave up on the marriage.  But unfortunately we cannot divorce our children.  They are ours forever and weather we like or not.   We love them but sometimes do not like them.   I never really knew what that meant until now.  How can you love someone and not like them?  That riduculous,  NO IT'S NOT!

BPD's  tell us the meaning of it everyday. 

Take care now suchsadness,  maybe one day soon,  we will both be suchhappiness.  I guess it is our decision to make.

[vivekananda]

Hiya angeldust1,

We are so lucky we have each other here, aren't we?

Did you read about FOG? (Fear, Obligation and Guilt)? You have described so well how it is for us... .  

There are lots of articles here for us to explore and improve our understanding of BPD. The more we know, the better armed we are. Apart from the number 1 rule: to take care of ourselves, are you familiar with the two main tools in our toolbag? Values based boundaries and validation?

I learnt so much in those first few months of being here, and I am still daily learning. Goodness knows I need to.

Cheers,

Vivek      

[angeldust1]

Actually Vivek ,  I had not read the meaning of fog,  until after I'd written my post.  But wow,  did it fit the definition.  My mind seems a  clearer now,  and I don't feel so much to blame and trying to understand the unrealistic expectations that was put upon me.  We rational people cannot ever know what it means to be SO IRRATIONAL  It makes no sense to us,  because we are... .  RATIONAL!