Trouble letting go

[griz]

So as many of you know we have been doing the BPD battle for 3 years now and DD18 was diagnosed about 2 months ago with bipolar disorder.  We have not been able to find a med that she tolerates well but she did go back to therapy and DBT and is a willing participant.  Over the past three years DD's bf has been a godsend.  He has been with her through it all and unbelievably supportive.  Over the past month DD has been complaining a bit that bf is too rigid and suffocating.  Here is the latest example:  When DD first started with anxiety and depression she took to smoking cigarettes.  Even though she was only 15 I did not make a big deal about it as she wasn't smoking much and she felt like it calmed her down.  BF didn't have a problem with her smoking for awhile but then he asked her to quit.  She did and a few times she had an occasional cigarette and he smelled it on her he went bonkers.  Well DD hasn't smoked for about a year.  The other day bf found out that she had a cigarette with a friend of his and he called her up all crazy about it (he lost his grandfather to lung cancer less than a year ago). He told her he couldn't live with this and maybe they should go on a break from each other and smoking was terrible and he couldn't deal with watching her do something that would kill her like his grandfather.  They fought about it (DD thought this was ridiculous) and then they made up and he made her promise she would never EVER smoke a cigarette again.  BF is pretty controlling in alot of ways.  He is a wonderful boy and his controlling behavior definetly comes from worrying about her. (remember he has seen the worst... .  depression, cutting, burning).

I have tried to talk to him about lightening up a little bit but it seems almost impossible for him to do.  He will text her nonstop when she is out with friends and if she goes out at night he will stay up until she calls him and lets him know she is home safely.  I affectionaletly refer to him as the helicopter boyfriend, always hovering around to make sure she is safe.  He treats DD very well. Is caring and gentle, supportive and loving.  A mothers dream.  However DD is really struggling now.  Yesterday she broke down in tears telling me that although she loves him very very much there is a part of her that wants to break up.  She feels like she wants some freedom. She wants to be able to have a cigarette if she feels like it withoug the threat of breaking up with her.  She wants to feel like she can go out with her friends and not have to keep assuring him via texts that she is fine.  This is also combined with  her recently meeting someone at school who has taken quite a fancy to her and she has even told me that although she is atracted to him she knows this boy is the not the relationship type.  She also told me that she has realized how codependent she is on her current bf and that upsets her because she feels like even if something horrible happened she could not leave him for fear of being without him.

Anyway sorry for the long saga but here is my delemia.  I totally understand how DD is feeling. She has been with her bf since 15 and maybe this relationship has run it's course but I find myself giving her example after example of why she should stay with him.  I know part of this is because I feel so safe when he is with her. I know how much he loves her and will do anything for her and he is truly a wonderful person.  I am also afraid that if she gets involved with someone who deosn't understand her that she will be devestated if it doesn't work out.  This may sound really stupid but I don't know how to navigate this as a parent.  She told me she is talking about it with her T.  Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.  Do I give her motherly advice.  HELP!

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

 

Hi Griz,

In reading your message there were a lot of things that hit me and made me relate with both you and your dd.  From your perspective I can see where there is much peace and feelings of security knowing that your dd is with someone who cares about her and is trying to protect her.  That said, I can very much understand her feelings of suffication when she is constantly answering to him with texts/calls about where she is and what she is doing, along with making promises to him about her choices in life.  I come from such a relationship that turned abusive after we were married due to his control and eventual jealousy about everything I said and did.  My bf (husband) at the time we were dating seemed sincerely caring, charming, nice, etc... .  but once the stresses of marriage and his alcohol addition developed, it became a very abusive situation.  I am not saying that this bf would do that but it does sound like he has a control issue from reading your text.  I am afraid for you if you keep encouraging your dd to hold on to this relationship because from my experience with my own dd35, it will be your fault when she is unhappy.  I personally would let her work with her therapist to make her own decision, especially given her age.  When she wants input from you... .  do you think a good response might be "what do you think" or "what did you decide when you talked to your therapist"... .  or something of that nature. 

Hope things go well for you dd... .  this age brings so many decisions that they all of a sudden are responsible for.   

[qcarolr]

Griz    

It is awesome that your D is working with a T. That is the best place for her to get advice. And it might be best to limit your contact with the bf about the r/s. I have had to work through my own 'letting go' of the bf when D broke up with someone that I liked -- they seemed to be keeping her safe. In reality the r/s was not a healthy one because of the control and jealousy issues.

Have you read "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", Lundberg, or the validation parts of "Overcoming BPD" Porr, ? Sometimes a refresher of these skills really helps me get a clearer perspective. Sounds like you are doing a good job with simple listeining.

This has been a common thread in my relationship with D26. Starting when she was 15. Dh and I got way out of whack - letting bf's live with us because it diverted DD away from needing us so much. In the long run, it did not work out well for any of us. In our case, DD never has accepted therapy - she just keeps plowing ahead in recycling r/s with many bf's.

Looking back, I wish that validation had been a part of my parenting toolbag when DD was a teen. Then I could have given a comforting listeining ear followed by vadiating questions that helped her learn to solve these r/s issues from withing herself. My DD most likely will continue to have the r/s problems given her untreated BPD. They can belong to her though, instead of being pounded out on me. I am working on the validation part - it is hard right now. She cannot be in our home right now. Dh, gd7 and I need a break. DD will find somone else to be her victim - someone seems to step into that role for at least for awhile.

Hang in there. Let us know how things are going.

qcr  

[griz]

Thank you so very much for such a clear perspective on this.  It helps to have someone look in from the outside.  SS when I look at it through your eyes, yes I see that although well meaning it is very controlling behavior.  If it was up to him he would spend every minute of every day with her.  This past semester she was suppose to transfer to the University in the city from her community college.  BF was so happy as he goes to another University in the city and she would be nearby.  She decided she wasn't quite ready yet and wanted to stay at the community college where she had made some friends and seems to be doing well.  We thought this was a great decision on her part.  BF did not.  He felt that she would be better off at the University where she would meet a higher level of education and friends.  He made her feel really badly about her decision but in the end she stuck with it.  I thought it was so sweet of him to be looking out for her but is this really just anothe element of control... .  maybe?

Qcarolr: I think you hit the nail on the head with my reluctance to have them apart.  I was reading your post and got very teary because I realized that he has been such a means of support for DD and us that I think I am afraid to not have him around. (WHoa, now that was difficult to admit).  I have seen that book mentioned alot and I think I will get it this week.  I'm getting better at validation but stuck on thinking I need to fix everything.


Griz

[lbjnltx]

kudos to your dd for recognizing the unhealthy aspects of the relationship, being able to voice her feelings and ask for direction.  The only thing left for her to do is set some boundaries and be willing to enforce the consequences if her boundaries are broken.

Telling her what to can rob her of this opportunity to problem solve and set boundaries... .  to set boundaries one needs to value self... .  she is doing well!

Asking validating questions and keeping the problem with her is definitely a good route to go.  Telling them what to do can/will backfire in many ways... .  damaging your relationship with her.  Not good.

I understand your fears... .  gotta get a grip on those griz!

Since it is in the title of your thread... .  and it is good to revisit, I am posting it once more for all of us to see and meditate on... .  these words/these concepts lead us to Radical Acceptance:


Letting Go

Letting go refers to giving up control of another person and allowing that person to experience the consequences of one's own actions. Letting go enhances all relationships.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring,

   it means not to take responsibility for someone else,

Letting go is not to cut myself off,

   it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable others,

   it's to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit my own powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another,

   it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

   but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

   but to be supportive.

Letting go is not to judge,

   but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

   but to be on the sidelines, cheering.

Letting go is not to be protective,

   it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

   but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue,

   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

   but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past,

   but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

 

[stupafly]

It is amazing that a few of us have this in common!  When my BPDD was 14 through 15, she had a bf who was seemingly very sweet and came from a good family.  If she was ever stressed out, she would lean on him.  When she would rage, he would hold her back.  They were very close, had passwords to each others' facebook, email and etc. He would personally make sure she would never drink or go to places she shouldn't and etc.

When she was 17, she broke up with him due to control issues.  Shortly afterward, he was expelled because he brought a boxcutter to school for the purpose of hurting another boy who was interested in my D.   Then, the truth started coming out about his other behaviors, which involved frequent overdosing and violent tendencies toward others his age.

Thank God they broke up.  I am glad that I didn't follow through with my first instinct, which was actually to push them back together. 

Scary how some people, even young boys, can be so deceiving.  Looking back I think all the fear and stress of raising my D alone made it easier for me to be in denial about the boy. 

Your D is doing the right thing by talking to her therapist - someone on the outside looking in can sometimes see things much more clearly than us. 

[jellibeans]

griz

I really see this a a huge step for your dd... .  she seems to have recognized some serious problems in her relationship with bf. She seems to be saying " look I think I can do this on my own now" "I am ready to live my own life" I am really impressed with your dd and although it must be a bit scary too she seems to be ready to stand on her own too feet. Ready to make some mistakes and learn from them... .  that is what a healthy person does and to think she can see all that is amazing!  

[sunshineplease]

Griz, you and I really are on the same path much of the time! I can totally relate to this, as ud18 had a relationship last year that seemed to make everything better -- the girlfriend was very supportive and really helped dd feel good... .  until she didn't. Seems to me jellibeans has a point, about your daughter realizing the trade-off (support for control) is no longer worth it. So hard for you to have to watch from the sidelines as this goes down! Hang in there. I think the points about validation are excellent; this way, your daughter can have you as loving, long-term support, minus the control!

[pessim-optimist]

Griz,

Even though it is scary, it is such a great sign of progress! 

[griz]

Here is my update.  Thank you all for such good advice and I am working hard on putting it into practice.  DD broke up with her boyfriend the other night.  She was very upset afterwards and we went downstairs to have a cup of tea and talk.  She was most upset because she said that she was concerned that she was not feeling as distraught as she thought she should.  She felt sad but she thought she should be falling apart.  I told her that since she had been crying about this all week and also spent some time in therapy talking about her decision that she may have processed alot of the thoughts and feelings already.  The broke up in a good way with him telling her that he will always be there for her and she could always call him no matter what.  She shared with me that she was fearful that in time she would realize that this wasn't the right thing to do, or that maybe this new boy that has taken her fancy wasn't really what she wanted and what if this was the case and she couldn't handle it.  I assured her that she has her family to be there for her no matter what and told her to not focus on the what if's.

We had a good conversation and she went to bed.  I wish I could take my own advice and not focus on the what if's.  So here I am two days later and I have been crying for 48 hours.  I have tried to be mindful and identify what I am feeling that has thrown me into such a depression.  I hope you don't mind that I list them here as maybe you all have some insight for me:

I am very sad and I already miss her bf myself.  He is such a wonderful person and I have become so use to having him around that I miss his presence.

I am afraid that when DD is having a bad time that I won't be able to handle it as bf has always been there to help.

I am afraid that DD has made the wrong decision as I am not comfortable with this boy that she met.  I haven't met him, although there are things that she says about him that get my attenea up ie:  he is such a deep thinker and says such unbelievable things.

I noticed yesterday that she cut her arm.  She hasn't done this in so long. This scared me terribly and when I mentioned it to DD she yelled at me and asked me to please not ask her about it that she doesn't want to talk about it.

I realized in the past few days what a frightened person I am.  I am always on high alert and seem to be in a constant state of anxiety.

I have told myself to calm down and not think to far ahead (the same advice I gave DD) however I can't seem to stop worrying.

I spoke through texts a little with bf yesterday and although he is sad and concerned about DD I could hear some relief in his texts.  This mad me sad because I know that he is done and I don't believe there is any going back.

I want to find a reason to smile again but I just can't.

Griz

[mggt]

Dear Griz.  I feel for you all the what ifs  ... .  We are in a constant high level of feelings when it comes to our children .  I am trying to take one minute at a time with my d .  Try and do the same when they are happy we are happy and when they are not happy we are not happy .  It never ends soo I wish you happiness today Its getting warm here now I might do some yardwork that helps me forget for awhile.  Happy Moms day mggt     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Griz,

I see your points. They definitely make sense. No wonder, you are crying... .     

This is a profound change in your dd's life. Change is ALWAYS laden with risk and even more so with our darlings, who are not as well equipped to handle it (it raises the risks bar even higher).

That in turn makes us worried/fearful.

You also deal with a lot of grief - you liked her bf, and also - he was such an important part of dd's support system - triggers fears of who will be there for her, or will you have to pick up the slack.

This is probably important. I would put some thought into that. Your dd has made an important step towards maturity by wanting more autonomy (from bf) and to do it on her own. So, think through how much more (if at all) you want to step in, and how much you may need to let dd solve her problems, while you cheer and validate on the sidelines, and not rob her of the opportunity to grow. Even though it is SCARY!

You say you realized that you are fearful - who wouldn't be in your situation... .  Good thing to know it though.

May I take it a little further? Hope I am able to be gentle enough with it... .  I think that you asking your dd about the cutting was more about your fear than about helping your dd... .  And as she is already feeling bad (that's why she did it in the first place), it probably only added to her burden. Is there a way for you to process it in a better way, so you can offer her support and be strong for her? (I know it must be so difficult when she is hurting herself and that's what you would like to save her from).

The new bf: interesting, that the wisemind has already told her, it's not a good idea.

This is also combined with  her recently meeting someone at school who has taken quite a fancy to her and she has even told me that although she is atracted to him she knows this boy is the not the relationship type.

And even though she might go for it - to try this new thing, deep down, she knows... .  Do you think you can be there for her, validate her, and let her work it out and come to her own conclusions on her own time schedule?

Oh, yes and "happy mothers' day!"

[jellibeans]

griz

i can hear the fear in your post for sure... .  I think we all live in fear on some level. I just want to caution you to not let that show with your dd... .  I think she is taking some very big steps in her life and she already has that fear... .  what can you do to help yourself with the fear? That has to be your focus... .  I wish I had some great advise for you... .  take some time to grieve the lost of her bf... .  this will pass and soon it will be the new normal for you all... .  sending you love... .  

[qcarolr]

It was a really good thing to remind her that she had talked with this in her therapy and cried it through. It was not a sudden surprise. I have never had to deal with cutting - my DD's self-destruction is much more externalized with raging and vengence and risky behaviors at times.

What helped her with the cutting in the past? I hope she can talk about this with her T.

qcr   [my heart is with you]

[griz]

Thank you all for such good advice.  I do realize that no matter what this is a time that is provoking high levels of emotion for her, hence the cutting.  And yes me seeing this transported me back to the some pretty dark days.  I continue to validate her feelings and letting her know I am there for her whenever she needs to talk.

Yesterday we had a lovely day together.  She asked me to help her clean up her room a bit and we took out a box for her to store all the things that bf had given her.  She did not want to put everything away and she said to me I don;'t want to wipe him out as if he didn't exist.  I let her put away whatever she wanted.  She did break down in tears when she put away the photo albums she made him a few months ago that literaly had phots and momentos of the past 2 1/2 years.  I placed  it in the box for her and just assured her that her tears were perfectly normal.  Bf texted me during the weekend to see how DD was doing and I just simply said that she was doing OK, didn't want to get to involved.  He texted DD late last night and they have tickets to a concert at the end of May and he wanted to know if they could still go together.  She said yes and then he asked if he could see her before then.  She told him she didn't think it was a good idea.  We talked about the conversation they had this morning and she felt like if she saw him she would just go right back but it was very hard to talk to him as he was so sad and it made her sad.  I validated her decision and told her I felt like she was looking at things wisely.

So far so good... .  although I must say I stil miss him.

Griz

[jellibeans]

Your Dd show some real mature thinking... . I really think it must be hard for everyone involved but that would be the case even without BPD. Breakups are hard... .  period! It is good that your dd could see that keeping some distance right now is good for her. I know things will get better in time... .  hang in there... .  

[pessim-optimist]

Wow, your dd really seems to be growing up... .   

[griz]

So I believe we are in set back mode and I am really struggling with this.  Since her break up with bf DD has been in a very anxious state.  I have been able to get past the cutting that she did that night however it has been almost two weeks and I can see that she is barely eating.  She has gotten very quiet in the past week and I am trying not to be in her space all the time and letting her process her life right now.  I am very concerned about her not eating yet even if I ask her if she is hungry or would like something to eat she will snap at me and tell me to stop asking her that.  This morning we drove to work/school together and she did not say one word in the car the entire time.  I remainded quiet also.  When we got out of the car I asked her if she was feeling OK and she snapped at me and told me to stop being "so in her face all the time".

I need to learn to pull back but I am always so frightened.  Frightened that she is not okay.  I am a talker when I am upset so I find it hard when someone seems distressed to back off.

Any suggestions?

Griz

[jellibeans]

This kind of sounds like my drive this morning with my dd... .  since coming home from RTC she is very irritable and I feel I can't say anything to her... .  this morning I said very little... .  we arrived at her school early so we just sat in the car... .  then from no where she started chatting about what happened at school yesterday and telling me about the different people at her school... .  I just listened and commented when needed but I just let her talk... .  I don't have any suggestions but maybe just not saying anything was what she wanted... .  I am sorry to hear your dd is struggling but can you refrain from asking questions? I am wondering if a day of that might help... .  maybe a little experiment?

I really felt like I had given my dd plenty of space since coming home but I have tried to ask about her day and what is going on at school... .  she seemed annoyed at me for asking... . maybe your dd is annoyed at you? Can you think of something you can do instead of asking questions that would relieve your stress and fear?

These are the times when our dd are learning and they are feeling the pain of the situation they are in... .  they need to go through this alone... .  they need to learn how to deal with the break up... .  there will be more break ups in the future so it is better they start now realizing how to cope.

It is hard to watch our children suffer so... .  but it is a part of growing up... .  she can do it. Let her know that you think she is doing well. That it is hard and you are proud of her. Maybe just acept that for the next while she is not going to be herself and that is okay... .  most people that go through a breakup are upset for a while... .  let her grieve the end of that relationship.  

[angeldust1]

Yep, Griz,  think you've got more of a problem w/ bf than you realize.  I too had a b/f that I married and that is exactly what he did.  He became very abusive,  controlling and jealous. It is not a pretty sight,  couldn't help but read between the lines,  but his helicopter ways are his ways of watching for her,  not necessarily watching out for her.  If she thinks she needs the freedom,  she does.

I know before I married,  I was so unsure it was the wrong thing to do,  I broke out in hives and my whole body pealed.  I married him anyway,  and it was the most horrible decision I've ever made.  Stayed married 20 years,  and 19yrs. and 11mos. of pure hell.   I think my body was trying to tell me something,  andI didn't read the signs.  I wish I had,  I might have a whole different life.  I am now remarried for  almost 23yrs. now  and you can bet I watched for the signs and have a wonderful marriage.   No hives no pealing

angel

[griz]

Thank you angeldust.  I have come to realize over the past week that the fear of her breaking up with bf was my issue.  I realized that for me there was comfort in someone always "watching" her.  It was someone to help me carry the load and someone to keep her in check.  It has been over a week now and she seems to be doing fine.  I asked her last night how she was feeling about the breakup and she said she was okay with it.  She said there are moments when she hears a special song or maybe something on TV that makes her a little sad but that is okay.  She has met someone at school that she seems to be quite interested in and of course I am always concerned about who he is ( I haven't met him). I guess I have to learn to accept that I cannot control everything. 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

  Griz,  

You know what to do, you just need to do it.  

When we got out of the car I asked her if she was feeling OK and she snapped at me and told me to stop being "so in her face all the time".

It must be SO HARD for you to watch your dd.  

On the other hand, if you put yourself in her shoes - how do you think it makes your dd feel to know you are watching her constantly and are worrying?

I need to learn to pull back but I am always so frightened.  Frightened that she is not okay.  I am a talker when I am upset so I find it hard when someone seems distressed to back off.

I guess I have to learn to accept that I cannot control everything.

You seem to be doing better today, Griz.

All the best!

[angeldust1]

You are so welcome Griz, that is what we are here for.   

angeld

[griz]

So here I am today, wondering if things ever get better.  DD finished her semester at the local community college with three A's and a B+.  She seems to be doing okay, albiet her mission to lose weight.  She has lost alot, not dangerous by any means, but still thinks she is not thin enough.  I don't bother her about it as I find if she gets hungry enough I see her eating.  Anyway today was her first full day off. She asked me to reschedule her therapy for later in the week so she could go out with friends. She made plans to get together with her new friends from school.  I still haven't met them yet but she tells me they are nice.  They picked her up while I was at work and off to the beach they went.  I have been a wreck all day.  I check my phone constantly and I am always thinking the worst. 

It is like I am stuck in perpetual panic mode and then I worry if maybe I am not being watchful enough and I am giving her too much freedom.  She hasn't done anything wrong and actually enrolled in two summer classes.  I should be happy but I find I never am.  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Has anyone else experienced this?

Griz

[jellibeans]

Griz... . I live this everyday... . it is a constant balancing act. I don't have complete trust in my dd so that is what makes it hard. We have boundaries in place and I just have to believe that if she makes the wrong decision there will be some consequences for her.

It sounds like your dd is really doing well. I know it is hard not to fear what might happen but please try. I am truly so happy for her and you. Going to the beach with friends sounds like the prefect day!   

[pessim-optimist]

Griz, I know it's hard for you   

Parents tend to worry and some think the worst even if their kids are healthy adults... .

How much more so with BPD, right? So, how do we separate those two issues?   

I am not sure, what your particular situation with your dd is regarding privileges and agreed upon responsibilities for her to check in with you?

If she were NOT BPD, I would probably tell you: ok, you are a mom, you worry. Perfectly normal. She is 18, that means she is her own person now with rights and responsibilities. Pray for her, and give her good advice when she asks for it - that's all you can do.

I think most of us have experience in seeing our little birds fly out of the nest and worrying to death, if they are going to be ok (and that goes for both - healthy and diagnosed) the fear is there either way.

BUT, since she IS BPD, my question for you is this: How does that modify her having adult privileges and responsibilities? The answer is twofold. One - what you deem as wise, and the rules that you would seem appropriate. Two - what she deems as wise and acceptable for herself. And most important - where do those two positions meet?

I personally think that as they grow, heal and mature, the ideal route would be to guide them and gradually remove the protective hedges that we have kept in place for their protection. However, it has to be with their consent and cooperation. If they feel smothered, they are likely going to fling our protection away and fly away with their broken wings, and tumble... .

We need to hold them close, but not too tightly.

It is true, Griz, the other shoe MAY drop. But it may not.

Do you think that your fear and expectation of something bad might be setting your dd up for a fall? May seeing that you do not have confidence in her cause her to loose confidence in herself?

What do you think?

[qcarolr]

Letting go of our kids is hard. Letting go of our worries about our kids is harder.   

What can you do to distract your thinking? Do you have any mindfulness practices? Take care of yourself -- your DD will be learning to take care of herself as you learn to let go.

qcr  

[griz]

PO: Thanks for such good thougts and advice.

If they feel smothered, they are likely going to fling our protection away and fly away with their broken wings, and tumble... .

We need to hold them close, but not too tightly.

Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing in the box so I just copied and pasted. This really made me stop and think about this was one of the problems with DD's bf. He wasn't allowing her to grow and so he smothered her.  I need to work on this.

Do you think that your fear and expectation of something bad might be setting your dd up for a fall? May seeing that you do not have confidence in her cause her to loose confidence in herself?[/quote]
I am trying to be really careful aout this.  Careful not to show my fears and even more so to show her that I have confidence in her. 


qcarolr: I am trying to look at this time when DD is out and about as a time for me to take care of me.  I have some little yard projects that I am working on and I like to take the dog out back with me.  I am working on mindfulness and I do see my progress the more I practice.  I need to continue working on this.  It is almost as if I am codependant on her in some ways.  I find that for the past few years my life has revolved around taking care of DD and now I am feeling a little lost.  Probably a good thing for me to work on with me T.

Griz

[qcarolr]

  It is almost as if I am codependant on her in some ways.  I find that for the past few years my life has revolved around taking care of DD and now I am feeling a little lost.  Probably a good thing for me to work on with me T.

Griz - how well I can relate to this. And it is so hard for me to see in myself -- esp. when DD acts out while she is saying I have to help her. I want her to stop yelling bad things at me in same breath as she demands that I have to help her. "you promised you would help me". And I cannot tolerate being with her. And maybe my withdrawal has been too complete. I want her to ask for help from someone else. I am worn down, depeleted, in retreat.

School pshycholgist yesterday, in meeting about gd7's summer needs, kept saying to me "you have been so wrapped up in Dd's life" inferring that has limited my ability to be there for gd7. And care for myself.

How do we find the balance in the center? How can I reach out to let DD know I care, we all care and love her. And she has to reach out to community resources to help her right now.

I find comfort in mindful prayer, letting go of my worries, over and over during the day.

qcr  

[Reality]

Dear friends,

BPD distorts the family dynamics, way distorts.  It isn't a personal issue, no-one's fault.  It also traumatizes the family and everyone in it.

Families need to heal. 

Noticing one's own traumatized state is mindfulness.  Opposite action is helpful to re-set.

griz, your daughter is doing very well.  Wonderful school results, a social life, communicating with you... . so normal.  Maybe your feeling state can't keep up with reality because you have experienced real trauma with your daughter.  PTSD is like being stuck on crisis mode.  Be gentle with yourself. 

Your daughter is very capable.  She also can be more vulnerable.  Being her parent is maybe a bit more of a dance.  Just a dance. 

Dialectics... . very capable, intelligent and gifted... . and more vulnerable when luck turns... . yet very capable... .

I am so happy she is engaged in life.

Reality