My Personal Red Flags

[eniale]

Things I should have seen as red flags:

Beginning:  came on very strong.  I should have known better, but he was very accomplished and swept me off my feet, though I take responsibility for not being more cautious.

Later:  except for many compliments on my appearance, extremely critical of me:  Said:  I talked a lot, repeated myself (although I did only occasionally), did not immediately give him the answer he expected, etc., etc.  I found I was thinking 2 or 3 times before I said ANYTHING as I did not know what his response might be.  (Known as "walking on eggshells" and typical of pwBPD.)  Extreme mood swings:  either things were wonderful, or he was "sad and depressed".  Sweet and loving, then changed to nasty and insulting.  Perfectionist about some things, very sloppy about others:  inconsistent.  Very critical of me, super sensitive about himself.  Although he said "when it comes to other women, you have nothing to worry about" constantly evaluating/mentioning other women we saw, my friends, etc.  Often pressed me not to have anything to do with other men, and often said "I know you will leave me!" or "Please don't leave me" or "Are you going to get rid of me?"  Fear of abandonment is a symptom of BPD, although what broke us up was he cheated on me (at the very time he was asking for my fidelity.) Substituted intensity for intimacy, the word lovemaking was not in his vocabulary, could be crude and vulgar & I am not a prude.  I didn't know much about BPD & my therapist advised researching it.  Bingo!

[EyeCareSoMUCH]

Your red flags match mine in so many ways! When I first met my exBPD I really had no interest in her. She really wasn't my type and I picked up on that in the first 5 minutes. Red Flag number one , and it was not even BPD related! She expressed deep interest in my life goals, passions overall interests. I never had a girl who cared that much! Then she wanted to hang out constantly, and as time went on I grew to be attracted to her. She made me feel so good about myself, so special! She had issues with intimacy, which she stated at the beginning. This all later played into a very nasty game in my opinion that sucked me in. After 3 months of hanging out and me not making a move, she decided to make a move. Keep in mind this girl had problems with being touched. Things such as kissing and such were very difficult for her. Well obviously I was supposed to be a typical man and get go against her not wanting to be touched. It backfired thus why she had to up the ante and take me to bed. She claimed that she just doesn't sleep around and that she is very selective with partners. So hearing this, I thought "Wow this girl slept with me, that means I must be special" When she decided that the "I am super interested in you stage" had expired she downgraded what we did as something two consenting adults do. Never wanted to be anymore than friends but wanted me to be there on a boyfriend level. That initial amazing feeling had ended and I found myself in a world of manipulation. I was constantly giving and never receiving. I was running my behind off miles out of my way to bring her food. I was the guy she would call at all times of the night, because she knew I would come running. When it came down to it, I called her out and told her how I truly felt. In response she told me that she didn't know I cared that deeply about her and that she had tons of guys wanting to be with her and she just couldn't do it. Talk about an ego boost! I got fed up and called her out for being a user, naturally she twisted it back on me and we stopped talking for 3 months. All the while she was chasing her ex which I swear from all the stories I have heard has BPD and several other disorders. After 3 months I get a message which had a crappy apology. It said "I am sorry for the crap I SUPPOSEDLY put you through. Supposedly? Wow, conceited much? Well I forgave her. The twist this time around was she agreed to be my gf. It was a "dream" come true! Within a week, the crap was back to normal. One thing I have to say that I am disappointed in myself was the sexual craving I had for her. She didn't like being intimate and when we were, it meant so much to me! I just wasn't having sex I was making love to what I thought was the world's most beautiful woman. We were great for the longest time, then her ex popped up. I knew all along in my own way she was never going to be mine. I just thought I could make it work. She future faked me among many things. It just hurts! She dumped me, though she said I was perfect so many times throughout the relationship. Don't you know I was the only man who ever "insert what ever sweet kind act that you wish" for her. The breakup was totally random and came to a complete shock. She wanted to stay friends for the sake of her child. Which I told her no. That is when I was painted black. I came to have a strong bond with her child. Which hurts but it is her fault bringing into the kid's life. I have received one email a month after we broke up. Just contained a link related to my field of study. No personal words. Anyways, sorry for my rant but as to the red flags. I was well aware of them through out all of this but choose to ignore them. Told myself that my heart could handle the risk. The term "YOLO" came to mind. Yeah well the hell with that! I got hurt because I ignored the signs. I am sorry to hear that you went through that! My ex use to ignore me when I was talking or just got up and left. Talk about ignorant! I use to have to repeat myself several times and even then I got nowhere. If it didn't benefit her she didn't care to listen.

[KellyO]

Things I should have seen as red flags:

Later:  except for many compliments on my appearance, extremely critical of me:  Said:  I talked a lot, repeated myself (although I did only occasionally), did not immediately give him the answer he expected, etc., etc.  I found I was thinking 2 or 3 times before I said ANYTHING as I did not know what his response might be.  

This, so much this! I had never experienced anything like this before. He just loved to critizise my way of speaking, it was his constant agenda.  And it started like this: he suddenly begin to sulk for me. I wanted to know why. He did not want to tell me. I wanted to know (to fix whatever I had done wrong). He told me I interrupted him all the time, I did this, I did that, nothing in the way I spoke was right. I was devastated. But it never ended, it went on and on, and when ever I opened my mouth to say something he had this arrogant smile in his face, or he just did not listen at all, or he replaid with arrogant "Oh really". Later when I wanted to end the rs, this was something I mentioned too, he raged that it was my fault because I had wanted to know! Figures.

It was good to remember this. I think his problem was me speaking at all. It reminded him of me being a person, and we can't have that!

[lhd981]

"I found I was thinking 2 or 3 times before I said ANYTHING as I did not know what his response might be."

And that's when you know you're walking on eggshells. In my case, I felt it was perfectly normal, and just part of her quirks. But I'll never forget the dread I felt in my stomach, lest I "say the wrong thing".

[TippyTwo]

I was ambivalent about my ex from the beginning. I saw the red flags. And, she gave me a road map to follow - i.e. telling me she needed to be in control, was afraid of being hurt, could give a list of her fears about me but couldn't tolerate me doing the same, giving me a laundry list of how exes had wronged her in the past, making it perfectly clear to me she substituted sex for true intimacy etc.

Even with the map, she would deny her own words and behavior. She would say she wanted this and then act contrary to it i.e. she knew the words to use, she just didn't know what they meant in real time behavior.

There was never any raging. Everything was more subtle. Little digs disguised as humor. Temper tantrums when she couldn't/didn't get her way. Taking an automatic contrarian stance on the stupidest and simplest things that reminded me of a petulant 2 year old.

She also liked to remind me or inform me when others were expressing an interest in her. My telling her to "go for it" confused her.

Same with the perfunctory "you cant handle me". When my standard answer became... .  "the question is not can I but do I want to" it also confused her.

She needed us to be a secret. She called it privacy. This wasnt privacy. This was I am juggling a few of you at a time and trying not to get caught cuz I need a supporting cast for when one of you screws up.

I saw all this, addressed it with myself and with her, and I still managed to get sucked in.

[eniale]

To:  mcauleyan --

Some of your post certainly rings a bell.  From very beginning, he said "I will not let you control me!"  I know (& friends tell me) that I am very easy-going.  Also told me he wanted me to be submissive.

He got bent out of shape over stupid things.  I borrowed a little can of oil from him.  Was going to his house 2 days later & he said "don't forget to bring back the oil."  I said "I'll try to remember" (said this to be polite just in case I forgot; we saw each other every 2-3 days or so, so if I had forgotten would have taken it next time.)  He got very annoyed and said he kept a list of people who did not return things and never lent anything to them again.  When I got there (with the oil!) he looked a little sheepish, so I thought I could kid him & said "what's with the list, you sounded like Nixon!"  He got very angry, then said he was sad and depressed and wanted me to leave.  I spent 20 minutes talking him out of it.  I was like a defense attorney trying to plead my case to a hostile jury.  Told him any other woman would have left immediately & he said "I know that."  Another example of my trying to be the "little engine that could" while he sat, arms folded, and resisted.  Such a waste of my energy.  Look how he treated me at the end.