when getting back together why'd it feel like we didn't skip a beat

[fakename]

so i've been doing a lot better the past couple weeks... .

but just in case, i decided it'd be a good idea to start exploring the dynamic behind getting back together should the occasion arise that she comes back... .  

i was wondering, why, after our breakups and being separated for months or in one case like 8 months, we would get together once, and it would feel like we didnt even spend a day apart and things were 'wonderful' and we picked up as much 'in love' as where we left off... .  

get what i'm trying to say?

[elessar]

yup, when we got back together after 4.5 years, it took me about 2 mins before it felt like I hadn't seen her or talked to her maybe for a week or so... .  not 4.5 years. i think its the intensity that comes back. i thought it was "true love". part of me still does... .  oh well.

[hithere]

get what i'm trying to say?

It is because someone with BPD needs to forget the bad times due to shame, so they just start off with idealization again and us non's suck that stuff up!

But it is not real and you are just setting yourself up for another tumble down the cliff of BPD.

[tailspin]

fakename,

It sounds like you are describing enmeshment, which is when we feel as if we are an extension of another person. This happens a lot in dysfunctional relationships and gives us a false feeling of connectedness to a person. 

Enmeshment isn't healthy because it blurs the lines between what is real and what is an illusion.  We are our own person; separate and distinct of another.  If you look closely you may find a pattern of troubles when you dared to be different or to have your own opinions.  Enmeshment allows us to quickly pick-up where we left off and plays into the fantasy we have of being saved by another/saving another.

Enmeshment will also quickly backfire if the other person doesn't mirror our own thoughts, behaviors, opinions, etc.  Things become out of sync and will cause tension and anxiety.  Healthy relationships will not demand the sameness that enmeshment brings.  Healthy relationships celebrate individual differences instead of punishing someone for having them.

tailspin

[delgato]

I'll throw out a few things:


1.) There is no "gray" with them -- only black or white. Either she "loves" you, or she hates you. She painted you white, you're the best thing since sliced bread, and that puppy love is strong to them. Perhaps part of her doesn't even remember painting you black before.

2.) There's no true emotional/psychological intimacy there, as they're not really capable of that when compared to 2 healthy adults. I don't think it's really possible for them to have a normal intimate conversation re: what had happened prior between the two of you. I know I certainly tried on my end, in my situation.

3.) Perhaps you haven't taken a hard & close enough look at yourself to do the necessary healing work during those times apart? I know this happened to me, and although stronger the 2nd go-around, I did find myself slipping back to her. Made me realize that I still have more work to do on myself.

[LosingIt2]

Yeah but i have friends that i havent spoken to, in some cases years, and with the good ones we start right where we left off. I dont see it as a bad thing.

[delgato]

Yeah but i have friends that i havent spoken to, in some cases years, and with the good ones we start right where we left off.

And how about your non-BPD ex-lovers?

[LosingIt2]

I dont know. Unfortunately i havent dated many sane people

[fakename]

Hahaha. Losingit82, couldn't help but laugh at your last post.

All, thanks for the insights.

Just to be clear, I don't have any urge to get back with her. Just trying to understand things. And I thought this area was important. Because it felt like we didn't skip a beat, I was convinced it was love. And it's important for me to understand that delusion.

I think all of your comments resonate with me and its helpful because learning about hat the relationship actually was, combined with me gaining my sanity back as well as a new level of clarity is what allows me to look at things realistically and make sound decisions and it also has allowed me to balance my emotions.


It was also good to hear about enmeshment as I thi k that fully applies. And looking at it now, I'm glad I'm in a position of discovering more about myself and not allowing others to change that or me adopting different views or personalities to be a constant people pleaser.

[Conundrum]

I think it's because they're almost incapable of change and we choose not to change, consequently the same addictive dynamic (for the non) remains in place. Once you pierce the veil, by absolutely perceiving how vast the chasm is between their underlying needs and the construct that the non assumed was real--all bets are off. It's a relatively liberating experience though, because you now see through their machinations and can deal with them on a level playing field--albeit a playing field in Wonderland.       

[Lucky Jim]

Hi fakename,

Sure, I know what you're trying to say, believe me.  Went 8 months without speaking to my Ex BPD and was back together in a flash, so I've been there, my friend.

Agree with those above.  Part of it is the intensity that feels good -- like a drug -- which has an addictive quality to it, I think.

As delgato says, it's all black & white, though, and at some point you morph from the white knight to the bad guy in the black hat.

I suggest that neither role is worth playing and, if you're smart, you won't play that game again.

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim

[BenTired]

I think that it's because they are kind od "stuck" where they are regardless of the amount of time. Mine could go into a full blown rage for 15 minutes and 5 minutes after ask if I wanted to go get a bite to eat. In the meantime, my brain is still trying to process what just happened. Don't let them suck you back in. It is very hard I know, but you need to keep moving and not look back.

[fakename]

Again, appreciate all your thoughts.

I think I have a good enough understanding behind how they are able to,

But would appreciate more insights on us.

Why am I also able to just pick up where thibgs were without a 2nd thought despite how she treated me. It goes both ways. She acted like out relationship didn't skip a beat and I acted that way too. And that's how it felt.

I'm thinking it has to do with enmeshment for me... .

Also delusion in believing whatever she said was true and how I strayed away from my ideas of what love should be into what her idea of love.

I don't really know yet. But whenever we got back together I ignored all the bad and just felt/acted like everything was fresh. Why?

[Findingmysong723]

I noticed that when I brought up that we had broken up after we had gotten back together, he seemed like he kinda dismissed it. Also, he told me after we had been back together, he said that he considered me more than a friend, I mean I guess it could be because we had dated before but it seemed like he didn't consider it a "real" breakup. I however, agree with him, because the four months we were just friends, seemed like we still were emotionally connected and we spent too much time, to be "just friends!" When we broke up this past January and he asked me to be friends and I told him, it didn't work last time, so haven't seen him since. This is a real breakup. Except that he still wants to be involved in the volunteer activity we had done together, not a huge fan of this!

[fakename]

i'm thinking it also has to do with the mirroring

[LosingIt2]

This is such a mystery. I can completely relate fakename. You asked an important question. I was only separated from my ex for really a 2.5-3 months (physically). We talked on occasion. I had no clue what I was dealing with at the time. I just wanted her back! I played it so cool when we spoke. I too acted like there wasn't a huge f-ing elephant in the room. Again, I missed her so much that I might have overestimated my role in what had happened. I actually saw myself as the strength in the relationship and it was my responsibility to prove that our relationship was worthy of reconciliation.

Now, I cannot possibly imagine having the strength to do that again. To pretend like that. I'm so worn down. When we were breaking up I knew things wouldn't be the same. I told her to have a nice life, and we won't see each other again. I couldn't go through that again. I wish I could take those words back sometimes despite my better judgement. Truthfully, if I saw her again I feel like my heart would melt away. It's a process. Like I said, I've dated a few crazies. Maybe that's not typical in a normal relationship. I'm no expert.

[LosingIt2]

My heart would melt, not melt away.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again fakename and friends,

I think a BPD relationship is like crack -- highly addictive and ultimately devastating to one's physical, financial and emotional health.

Agree w/BenTired:  Rock on and don't look back.

It's a valid question, fakename, but in my view it's time for you to move on . . .

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim