just need some advice...

[qwaszx]

so my friend(BPD) in her late 20s at the moment living at home with her mom. long story short they are cycling... .  her mom doesnt know she daughter has BPD, shes feeling like shes done everything humanly possiable for her daughter, they got into a fight the other day, and now shes getting kicked out(though this has happened before and they end up working through it) Also im pretty sure her moms got BPD also... .  so my question is should she know what her daughters got so she can grab some insight and hopefully some understanding? Or is it best to just not say anything cuz shes seems like she has BPD also?... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello qwaszx,

I think it would be best to encourage the mom and daughter to seek out family therapy.  Hopefully the T will understand how they each present and interact and be able to offer them individual/family/specialized referral help.

lbjnltx

[david]

A big problem I see with a T is you need to find someone that knows how to help someone with BPD. Many don't and that doesn't help. If you know a good T that deals with BPD you can even suggest the T, without saying she/he specializes in BPD, because you heard good things about the T.

[david]

Telling someone with BPD that they have BPD usually does not go well.

My xBPDw ran away 5 plus years ago. She emptied our house of 99.8% of the contenets. She left a journal in which she describes herself with 8 criteria for BPD. She did not have suicidal ideation in it. She is a nurse. She also left a textbook from her days in nursing school (over 15 years ago). The book was about 900 pages and it was her psych textbook. Back then it was DSM III. There was a chapter on BPD. It was the only pages that were highlighted in the entire book.

When she left I found the journal and mentioned it to her and what I had discovered about BPD. I believe I grew horns at that instant and became Satan in her eyes. It was not a pretty scene. In court, she has brought up the journal several times over the last 5 years.

[qwaszx]

that sound awful for you im really sorry that happened.  it hurts when your trying to help someone/ "do the right thing" and it get blown up in your face... .  she maybe had been running from that convo her whole life, it probably hurt her a lot and was scary id imagine when someone she cared about found out the truth, if it were me, and someone found out a secret I had been hiding my whole life(or 15years of it) be terrified... .  

my friend already knows she has BPD, we are very open about it, and talk about it feely(when shes talking to me, right now shes not), she fits all 9 of the criteria. Though shes only ever starts to read the book in it i found, then cant finish.

Her mom and i are on good terms, though i haven’t talked to her in 6months now, and i avoid talking about my friend(her daughter) when we do, because i dont want to say anything "wrong" or anything that will set her off either.

I feel like her mom has the right to know what her daughter is dealing with, and im hoping that will put out some of the fire, and bring some understanding into the situation. if my thought is right, he moms also has BPD though or something close, so the other half of me is saying just not to even go there, because she'll end up cutting her already emotionally fragile daughter down to the bone, and they'll both end up burning more... .  

[pessim-optimist]

... .  if my thought is right, her mom also has BPD though or something close, so the other half of me is saying just not to even go there, because she'll end up cutting her already emotionally fragile daughter down to the bone, and they'll both end up burning more... .  

qwaszx - you definitely want to help. You are a good friend and you want to be there for her... .  

Would you be able to forgive yourself if your information did exactly what you describe above?

Also, your friend might have you as her support now. What if she later feels like you betrayed her by telling her mom (even if she now had no problem with it)? Who would be a support to her then?

[qwaszx]

ya all of these things have crossed my mind, she said that shes good with it if i talk to her mom about it, but your right it could change tomorrow, and the answer is i donno... . i think she would forgive me after all is said and done... . but i'd feel like crap if it made things worse... .  

they live together, all they seem to do is fight, there down to weekly cycles. my friend cant get up at her moms, shes always more depressed... .  cant hold a job, and feels like she isnt aloud to leave, feels trapped. most the time she doesnt bother to even brush her hair... . Her mom and her are already cutting each other down to the max... .  so i've been trying to figure out if letting her mom know will sub due some of the pain and resentment she holds for her daughter because it might give some insight and understanding to how her daughter feels, and why she does/says some of the things she says... . or will it add more wood to the fire, so to speak... .  will she end up using it to hurt her, rather then help my friend and her self?  

maybe its best to try and find better living situations, when her and i lived together, she was up for 3 months down for about a month or 2, and then would start to feel better, start working out and taking care of herself again, getting back up. she also held down a job for the whole time we lived together... .  

[pessim-optimist]

From what you are describing, it sounds like their chemistry is toxic to your friend.

And two people w/BPD who do not have a handle on their problems are like two drowning people trying to save each other - especially the mom (acknowledgement of her problems, therapy etc.).

I'm not saying you should assume responsibility for your friend, however, helping her think through her options to get out of that situation might be a good step... .  

[qwaszx]

ya i'll try that, im not sure what other options she has though, do you know if there are housing options for right now through the system?... .  im waiting her out right now cuz shes really low, we've talked about her leaving(she told her mom she needs to leave, that they arent in a health relationship, huge trigger for them both, and major blow outs, below ground zero for her right now)

Im sorta lost on how to get her out, if she cant support herself right now, where will she live?

[pessim-optimist]

Are you in the US?

Yes, right now is not a good situation. The question is - can she get a job before she moves out, or will she have to move out before she can get it together enough to get a job?

If/when she moves out, she should be able to get Food Stamps, and apply for low-income housing (there's usually a waiting list in most places though).

Long-term, if she is in therapy, she might be able to apply for Social Security Disability, if her condition is serious enough to interfere with her life to the point she is not able to take care of herself.

Not sure if there are any immediate housing options through the system... .  Maybe other readers might have better ideas?

Maybe you might ask around in your area and find out what her options are. Places like the Office of Public Assistance and Job Service might have some ideas... .  

[qwaszx]

ok, thank you, and no were in Canada, i heard if she does get diagnosed with BPD it could mean she could get cut off of disability also, so im worried about that... .  hoping thats not the case.

I think she would have to get out of her moms before shes able to get a job, she needs some break, get away time, in my opioion... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, not sure about the rules in Canada (that is SO SAD if she could be cut out from disability if she gets diagnosed... .  )

It's definitely worth finding out about the rules, so she knows what options she has.