Oh angeldust... . I understand. When I first found this site I was ravenous to read and absorb everything I could. And exploring the site would get me confused. And I was so hurt and upset so much - it always seems to be when something goes really wrong that we find ourselves here.
I will try to be brief and helpful.
I suspect that the 'sorry' letter can only come after a lot of learning. My dh still cannot bring himself to a 'sorry' place. To be able to write a sorry letter means to go some way towards accepting responsibility for the situation and when we first arrive here, that is usually a most difficult thing to swallow. Afterall we are good people who did our best for our children who we love with all our heart. We put them first, we worked hard so their lives could be better than ours. We always put our children before ourselves. I am no different to others here who are just the same. After a year of learning and support from my friends here, I have been able to see things differently now. We are not sprinters here, it is a marathon - it takes time.
I recommend that you go to bed early with Valerie Porr (that's the book "Overcoming BPD" that book is easy to read and from experience it seems the best one to speak to we parents. I think Valerie is the parent herself of a child with BPD. Make sure you know when you have to turn the light off, otherwise you will read on too much - and you need your sleep
In the meantime here are three sites that may help you:
Suggested Reading This site is at the top of our 'parent's board' and is in yellow. It lists a number of books and articles that are helpful to us. The list is not exhaustive and there is much more that could be included. For info on the other books and articles, you need to find the relevant boards for all our book reviews and articles.
Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr This site begins with a very brief review and then an extensive discussion of the value of the book. You may want to just glimpse over the thread, because there is some 'serious' discussion of the book. To appreciate this discussion, it is helpful to remember that on the board are partners of people with BPD and children of people with BPD whose experience is very different from ours. Sometimes they have been so deeply hurt by their loved one that find it challenging to be compassionate towards them.
Validation - stop invalidating others While the best introduction to the concept of 'Validation' is I think in Valerie's book, this 'workshop' gives you an idea of some aspects of the concept. A really excellent primer on Validation is the Lundberg's book: "I don't have to make everything all better" - there is a review of that to be found on the Suggested Reading list above.
As Éclair has said, give yourself time. We and our children have taken quite a few years to get where we are, nothing will change overnight.
lots of love to you all and sorry this is so long (I tried to be brief )
Viv
