uH, what just happened? What's wrong with me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex... . (I guess) boyfriend with BPD has virtually ignored me for the last 2 months. I have been getting the silent treatment since the middle of February. Besides rages, drug induced paranoia and mean phone calls, I don't hear from him... . until... .

I texted him 2 days ago, "I'm in therapy now because of this whole thing. I'm certain you have BPD (THEN I gave a list of symptoms that he had). Then I told him I was blocking his number. "Leave me alone for good" I said... .

His initial response was to say, "haha see! you're the crazy one! you're in therapy! not me! haha!"

When I first started dating my EXbfBPD, he was very clean, very preppy, he kept his house spotless. As out "relationship" progressed he turned in to an absolute slob, a shadow of his former self... . WELL... .

After his rage at me over my call, he begged me to come by his house that night to "talk about our future". I did like an absolute moron... . and... . WHAT? His entire house was clean. He was dressed up. He talked to me, treated me like he did during our honeymoon period that ended around the 1st of February. We spent last night together. He stripped and danced for me. He called me all the old love names. He offered to buy me dinner. It was damn magical... . JUST LIKE BEFORE... . I knew what he was doing. Maybe he finally knew I was serious about leaving? So he went back to honeymoon?   I do all this while paying a therapist 175$ an hour.

All I know is that I feel severely dissapointed in myself. I distanced myself. I got a therapist. Then I got yanked back in by my soul. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm a smart guy. I've NEVER been played like this by Anybody. Why is it so hard to say no to him?

[Rocknut]

My ex... . (I guess) boyfriend with BPD has virtually ignored me for the last 2 months. I have been getting the silent treatment since the middle of February. Besides rages, drug induced paranoia and mean phone calls, I don't hear from him... . until... .

I texted him 2 days ago, "I'm in therapy now because of this whole thing. I'm certain you have BPD (THEN I gave a list of symptoms that he had). Then I told him I was blocking his number. "Leave me alone for good" I said... .

His initial response was to say, "haha see! you're the crazy one! you're in therapy! not me! haha!"

When I first started dating my EXbfBPD, he was very clean, very preppy, he kept his house spotless. As out "relationship" progressed he turned in to an absolute slob, a shadow of his former self... . WELL... .

After his rage at me over my call, he begged me to come by his house that night to "talk about our future". I did like an absolute moron... . and... . WHAT? His entire house was clean. He was dressed up. He talked to me, treated me like he did during our honeymoon period that ended around the 1st of February. We spent last night together. He stripped and danced for me. He called me all the old love names. He offered to buy me dinner. It was damn magical... . JUST LIKE BEFORE... . I knew what he was doing. Maybe he finally knew I was serious about leaving? So he went back to honeymoon?   I do all this while paying a therapist 175$ an hour.

All I know is that I feel severely dissapointed in myself. I distanced myself. I got a therapist. Then I got yanked back in by my soul. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm a smart guy. I've NEVER been played like this by Anybody. Why is it so hard to say no to him?

[Newton]

Rocknut many of us have chosen to return only to be idealized all over again... .  then rejected again.

I'm really glad you have sought out a therapist, it's essential to have this support whatever you decide to do... .  

If he has untreated BPD then his symptoms will manifest themselves again... .  possibly on a much shorter timescale.


We, the relationship, the intimacy IS their trigger... .  YOU are a trigger... .  this understanding is key!

It's ok to feel like you have let yourself down, but more important to focus on what happens now... .  

Have you read up on "intermmitent reinforcement"... .  and "trauma bonds"... .  ?  This may help you clarify the motives behind your behaviour.

[babyducks]

Rocknut,

To say that these relationships are incredibly loaded and complex is probably an understatement.  There is so much going on, so much intensity and absolutely electrifying infatuation.  It is very hard to take a step backward and breath. 

I too went back into my relationship after we had a loud and gut wrenching break up.   Looking back I think I was still learning about my powerlessness.   

I have to continually remind myself to not read too much into people's actions, including my own.  Yes I am responsible for what I did and said, No I am not doing this 'perfectly'. 

I have made a commitment to do the best I can and for me, what is crucial, is to not make this worse for either myself of my ex by adding more drama and negativity into an already emotional whirlwind.

This bizarre dance we engage in, the pwBPD and the non is very difficult to understand and I am, by nature a person who figures things out.  It takes some time to separate my stuff from her stuff.

Giving myself time to figure things out is the best gift I can give myself.   Hope it might work for you too.

Take care of yourself. 

[Healing4Ever]

Rocknut - Sorry to hear about your confusion and disappointment.

I completely understand about the being yanked back in by your soul by your ex.  What a great description!  For me, it is so enticing to be idealized by someone - specifically my partner - it is intoxicating.  For a moment in time, everything seems perfect.  That has been enough reason for me to return time and time again, even after horrendous fights and obvious displays of rage.  For 7 years I've "forgotten" what happened yesterday and happily embraced the infatuation.  I've come to realize that these fleeting infatuation moments (hour, night, couple of days) come at a HIGH, HIGH, HIGH price that I am personally not willing to pay anymore.  In fact, it's gotten to a point in the last 6 months or so for me that when he starts to idealize, I'm already dreading what is coming next.  Big sigh.  I've decided I need to let go of feeling that type of infatuation from someone in the hopes of healing myself enough to find a relationship that is stable, dependable, and more predictable.  By this, I mean I am actively reminding myself as it is happening to keep myself from falling for it.  I think my own personal health is starting to suffer in a big way from the constant yo-yoing.  Not sure if this is helpful for you - I just really related to your struggle as it is current for me too. 

Best of luck figuring it out! 

[waverider]

It is a drug, there is no just OK.

It is the extreme high that keeps you coming back, and makes the lows seem all the worse. You keep convincing yourself that the current low is only temporary and will pass because you still crave the high. So when it comes you are relieved. It is very hard to reach the balanced, almost indifferent, state that is required to make and stick to objective decisions

[bruceli]

Because... .  when it is good it is very very good... .  but when it is bad... .  it is horid.

[hanginon]

I still can't get over how many of us are in this type of relationship to begin with. I have had my highest highs, and my lowest lows in this relationship.  I suppose I was naive, I had lived a fairly sheltered life I suppose and had no exposure to "crazy people". I know that sounds bad but just being honest.  I have never been directly involved with someone that truely had emotional problems or mental illness.  I think that is what has kept me in the relationship... .  I kept thinking we could get things straight, get her on a medicine that helped her issues... .  the "highs" kept me hooked so I would suffer through the lows, but being constantly told that "I" am the one with all these behavior issues.  Over time, I think I began to believe it. Finding this site has been more than an eye opener for me... .  it has given me some validation that I am not losing my mind. Thanks.