Oh my what now?

[angeldust1]

I spoke with my sister earlier today and  asked if I'd heard from my son.  I said no of course not.  He told me more than a year ago he wanted nothing to do with me or my family.  I took him seriously.  He would never ans. if I called and if I text I never know if I'll get blasted for some imaginary thing I've said or done.  So I just wait, and do nothing.   She confessed  that she calls him when she thinks about it but he never returns her calls.  This does not surpise me,  but I do see nothing has changed since last year. 

Now here's my delimina,  I feel like if he ever comes back around he will say well Aunt

Susie used to call me but you never did.  At which point I will say you told me not to.  He will most assuredly come back with something smart to hurt me I feel.  So... .  should I try and call ever so often,  just to make a "so called appearance " on his phone,  or just leave it alone.  I know my sister is only trying to help,  and I do think she finally sees what I am talking about.  For a time she thought I was just "being too hard on him"  SHE HAS NO IDEA!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Do you want a relationship with s? If you don't want to see or hear from him then I would not reach out. If you want to keep that door open maybe waiting for his bday and send a card? or some other holiday? I think sending a card or letter might be a good way to start. Rather than giving him the opportunity to hang up or ignore your text.Letters seem to mean so much more these days and I think the pwBPD seem to get a lot out of the written word.

But I can't help wonder if you are really looking for a relationship... .  I sense some dread in your note which is understandable especially if your son is older... .  you have probably been through a lot and have settled into a world where there less drama... .  I get that so I am just saying be prepared for that hurt if you reach out... .  if you don't expect anything back then you probably won't be hurt... .  it might be the olive branch he has been waiting for... .  I hope it goes well for you either way... .  it is a hard decision either way... .  

[angeldust1]

Yes,  I do believe I will send him a card for his BD,  last year,  it was never even acknowledged and did not even cash the check I sent.  I was so hurt,  I vowed I'd never again.

But of course for Christmas I changed all of our plans just to accomodate him and he never showed or called.  It just like he really does mean he wants nothing to do with me.

  It's still hard for me to comprehend a son doing this to his mother,  especially when what he thinks I did so unforgivable,  was all imagined.  I must admit it has been nice to have the peace,  but one day this has to end.  I suppose.  And to answer your question,  Yes I would love a relationship with him,  but... .  do I want the one we had... .  Disrespect,  drama,  chaos,  lies and all the guilt he leaves me with... .  honestly right now I just don't know?  But I'm the eternal optimist,  I'm still hoping to get a Mothers Day card or maybe a text,  but I should know better than to set myself up for disappointment.

[qcarolr]

It is hard and takes practice; letting go of the outcomes. All I can do for my DD26 is try to create opportunities: for connection with our family, for choosing to get treatment, for seeing the futility of her current coping strategies,... .  

When I do not expect any response from my D, I am not so disappinted when it does not come. I know she sees the texts (she does not have mail access for a letter). And once in a while she surprises me when she is having a good day.

What books have your read? "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr is one of the best.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

angeldust,

I can identify with your feelings... .  I have a brother (possible BPD), who has cut me and my parents out of his life about 8 years ago.

In his case it is more complicated though, as both of my parents are 'difficult people' (mom I believe BPD and dad narcissistic traits).

They love him dearly, but also have treated him badly... .  They have no idea what has happened, and they do not understand his behaviors either. I, the younger sister, was fortunate enough in so many ways to escape the chaos, have been watching the drama from a distance.

You have the advantage of knowing what you are dealing with and having a support system here.

As you said, you want an r/s, but minus the bad stuff.

There is hope, as you can learn more about BPD, work on your skills, and heal from the past, so you can change the dynamics between the two of you. To be realistic, your son will always be who he is (unless he decides to work on his own recovery), but you will be able to navigate the r/s with much more skill and protect yourself from abuse, while being more effective in helping him.

So, the current break in the r/s is probably a good window of opportunity for you to heal and learn. In the meantime, the idea of a Birthday card/letter seems a good one, as in general it helps if we are consistent in our behaviors towards pwBPD.

Sending you a   , enjoy mother's day, as you are a caring mom! We here know it!