Stressed out in spite of "success"

[pessim-optimist]

I have been trying to learn as much as I can about [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] and boundaries etc., and I think that theoretically I have learned a lot.

I haven't had too much opportunity to practice yet, so I was really surprised and disappointed that my latest attempt at keeping my boundaries (although successful) was so physically and mentally taxing.

I wonder why it is?

For those of you who know my story - I haven't had to talk to my usd32 yet (after months of attacks and n/c, she is now talking to her dad). But after what I went through with my dad last week, I am starting to worry about what it's going to be like... .  

Last week when I talked to my dad (who has some narcissistic traits and is very manipulative and controlling), I realized afterward, that I was REALLY STRESSED OUT - I even had chest pains for a couple of hours! I really did not like the way it made me feel, although the conversation turned out ok, and I was able to keep my boundaries and be honest with him (rejecting his 'help' - which in spite of good motives is an attempt to run my life and interfere in my affairs in a way that I am not interested in).

It makes me wonder if it is worth it, or if I'm doing something wrong... .  It sure felt like wrestling alligators while keeping a polite smile and a calm voice!   

Anybody with similar experiences, who has overcome and has a good story to share?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

All I can share is that our own DD's psychiatrist told me there IS hope for those with BPD!  She told me she would not be in this line of work if she didn't believe that about every single patient!  I was pretty down one day when we were there and I just came out and asked her that question.  We have got to hang on to that hope, all of us parents!

[lbjnltx]

Hello Pessi-O,

I think that we have all... .  to some degree experienced what you are describing.  We have developed a conditioned response from being raged out, punished for setting boundaries and abused (mentally, emotionally, verbally or physically) by others.  Some of us have symptoms of PTSD or anxiety from these interactions.  We are fearful of the reactions to our boundaries... .  the uncertainty is sometimes more powerful than the actual response we get.  Personally, I got past these moments by having my value based boundaries well thought out... .  being willing to enforce them regardless of the response that might come.  This gave me peace of mind so that I could take the focus off of myself during communication... .  knowing I have a way out to protect myself from the possibility of abusive responses.

Sometimes we have to talk ourselves down off the ledge... .  if you know what I mean... .  I would go through the worst case scenarios from past experience and tell myself... .  "hay! I lived through it before, I can live through it again if I have to."  It takes all the power out of the fears... .  Now I can get into my wise mind and achieve a balance of my emotions and thoughts. I can tell myself "this time doesn't have to be like other times, it can be different because I will respond differently".  This is very calming and allows me to focus on effective communication (validation of the other person's feelings and needs) which is also very calming during the conversation ... .  then I can offer to be supportive through validating questions if there is a problem to be solved, negotiate a resolution, and state my boundaries calmly and confidently (which is also very calming) and enforce my boundaries (which builds confidence and reduces the anxiety over time for future situations).

Here is a workshop that you can look through and participate in that may help you:

Ragephobia:  The fear of being raged upon

 

lbjnltx

[cleanandsober]

In my experience, Al-Anon helps me keep my boundaries and sanity.  I also have experienced chest pains and even had to call 911 the first time I had them because I thought I was having a stroke.  Turned out it was from anxiety.  (Ironically, my daughter was not even home at the time.)  The workbook Walking on Eggshells has also been helpful for me.  When my daughter misses school I used to get so upset with her, but am learning now to not over react and just live and let live.  She still gets a consequence for missing school and I still manage to keep my sanity and boundaries with the situation.  I really like what lbjnltx said and yes it is all worth it.  Never give up hope... .   

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for your responses,

I realized that with my step-daughter there is definitely a factor of being anxious ahead of time, expecting the new unexpected being thrown at me. And as lbj said, I can definitely overcome that by knowing my values and boundaries better and knowing how to apply them calmly and confidently.

THANK YOU, that is a MAJOR DISCOVERY. I think I will be ok. I do feel apprehension at times, regarding my step-daughter, but I think I feel much more confident.

So, after all, the issue with my dad is probably something different in its nature, that I will have to deal with separately.

I was just surprised when I noticed my physical reaction.

I felt confident, and in control of my life while talking with him, and our conversation was poised and polite. However AFTERWARDS it left me feeling like I was in a stressful physical fight.

My parents are still married to each other, but they have a very dysfunctional style of communication, and when I was growing up, there was a lot of loud fighting, raging, demeaning between the two of them etc. So when I became a teenager, when I felt/was attacked by them, I would come back with aggressive loud voice and force of will to protect myself (I always hated it, and thought it was nuts, but did not know a better way to keep myself protected).

Yet, I do not remember feeling this bad physically.

In adulthood, I just kept most of my life private, and only talked to them about things I knew would make them happy or that they would approve of.

So, bottom line, now that I learned all the "new stuff", I was surprised to find myself feeling the worst I ever have in spite of apparently kept boundaries, successful communication, averted fight etc.

But I guess that would be a more appropriate topic for a different board, since it involves parents, rather than children... .  

Just trying to sort things out, thanks for listening.

Oh, and thanks, lbj, I'll check it out. I never thought I was afraid of being raged at, since I always had a hard shell and met it with a wall of strength, but I did always hate it as a child, and would try to avoid as much as I could as an adult... .  So, maybe I will be surprised yet again... .  

[nickyg]

One of the things that happens when you get into a potentially stressful situation (even when you don't know it) you start to breathe shallowly and the fight or flight response kicks in.  This is really bad for your health unless you're running away from a wild animal and leads to a variety of problems - chest pain is probably one of them.

I definitely get very tense even when I get a text from my ud23.  I am steeling myself for the next drama. 

Don't forget to breathe.

[pessim-optimist]

Wow,

you know what? That's probably totally true!

I have read about the shallow breathing, but never 'observed it'.

Usually I did not have the time to 'observe myself', while 'fighting for dear life'  Obviously, I'm exaggerating, but you get the point 

But I do remember ever since I was little, here and there I would take a deep breath and sigh. And people would ask me: what's wrong? And I would say - "nothing, I just need some air". It may have been an unconscious physiological reaction to relieve stress I did not even know was there... .   

From now on, I resolve to consciously breathe slowly and deeply when in these stressful situations. 

Thank you nickyg!