First post here----I confronted him

[clairejen]

Hi

I just posted on the newcomer's board. I have been with my BP boyfriend for over 3 years. He has older kids, works and volunteers, so he is very unavailable at times. When I tell him this upsets me he either

-----Tells me angrily that I should go find a better man then

-----Tells me that in 2 months, or after an event happens, etc, he will have more time to be with me.

  I feel so disgusted and isolated, yet don't really want to leave him. Today I left him a text:

    "I know you are caught up with the current work project. But your co-workers are caught up too, and yet they make time for relationships. And you say another reason you are not always available is because of your son and daughter-----yet many people have kids and they still make time for a relationship. So I think you avoid a relationship out of fear, not just because of your kids and projects. And even though you say that we will be closer, you always choose another project or relative over me. So it's probably not gonna get closer between us. Text or call if you wanna talk about it"

   I am so fed up and frustrated. If there were real hope that he would be available in the future I would want to wait, but I feel he might just toss up roadblocks out of fear of intimacy. If anyone has feedback on this, or on how I worded my text, please share.

Claire J

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

did he ever respond back to your text, to talk about this?

I know life does get busy, people get busy, how has he been in the past does he take any time for the relationship, have any date nites with you or is it all work and volunteer?

You did state how you feel, now you have to decide if this is what you want or if he will start focusing more on the relationship.

Why do do think he will toss up roadblocks due to fear of intimacy, has he been like this thru the 3 years?

[Scott72]

My ex , who I'm desperate to get back with, was always too busy. Even though we lived together whenever We had things we needed to talk about we would tentatively arrange to talk on Friday night or Sunday morning, whatever. However every time she was too busy, even socialising! This was nothing more than her running, not being able to cope. I wish I knew that at the time, I didn't understand BPD and thought she didn't care

[clairejen]

Hi

Scott, can you write more about what you mean about her "running, not being able to cope?" Was her socializing or busy schedule about her running? What was she running from?

Vindi, in answer to your questions

did he ever respond back to your text, to talk about this?

-----Not yet. I think he may be doing the push pull or the silent treatment I am reading about in the lessons.

I know life does get busy, people get busy, how has he been in the past does he take any time for the relationship, have any date nites with you or is it all work and volunteer?

-----Yes we have date nights about once a month.

You did state how you feel, now you have to decide if this is what you want or if he will start focusing more on the relationship.

Why do do think he will toss up roadblocks due to fear of intimacy, has he been like this thru the 3 years?

-----When he has more time outside of work and family, he does spend more time with me. Yet we never spend extended time periods together. And once a project is completed, instead of spending more time with me, he will work on his property, then promise he will be with me more when that is done. And when that is done, it's a sick neighbor he "has to focus on". He insists it is his schedule, but after 3 years, I believe it is the BP fear of intimacy.

And I feel angry, and not trusting of any future.

Claire

[hellokitty4]

"I'm busy" and "I'm tired" are two overused words by my BPD. Or "I can't plan things ahead of time." I believe it has to do with avoidance and in some cases, lying. I will never understand what is so difficult with just telling the truth.

[Scott72]

Claire I agree with hello kitty - I believe it has to do with avoidance- in her own way, my ex loves me- but she can't cope with any talking to do with issues or emotions. She has a hooded bathrobe which she would pull up over her head and face ( like a child) when I tried to talk to her. And I believe she would look for excuses, socialising, "busy" as a pose to talking, even when I said how important it was to me. I truly believe that she can't help herself, I don't blame her at all. I love her and want her back.

[iluminati]

First,    Glad to see you made it here!

Now, let me ask a few questions to see what's going on here.  Is this work project of yours still ongoing?  Are there any particular issues going on with his kids?  Do you make regular efforts to meet up and get rebuffed?  Is there anything else going on which would make it hard to meet besides work, like distance or finances?  And how was he diagnosed with BPD anyway?

[clairejen]

Hi

Hellokitty, you wrote that you feel your pwBP says they are busy as part of avoidance----what are they trying to avoid, closeness?\

Scott, are you  making attempts to reunite with her?

Illuminati, in answer to your questions:

----His work project is ongoing.

----He shares custody of his kids with his ex. The kids take up a lot of his time and he does a lot for them. He always says yes to them, and will cancel plans in order to do things for them.

-----We make plans and get together not very often---he is either exhausted from work, or has to do things for family. So it's not that we make plans and get rebuffed, it's more that we don't get together often. And we are not "daily phone call" types of people.

-----Finances or distance don't make it hard to meet... .  according to him it's scheduling, over-responsibility, tiredness, and trying to juggle priorities, home ownership, etc. According to me, lots of people deal with those things, yet they still have a close relationship.

----He hasn't called me  about the text from a few days ago, and now I feel anxious that he is avoiding or abandoning me.

Claire

[hellokitty4]

Hi

Hellokitty, you wrote that you feel your pwBP says they are busy as part of avoidance----what are they trying to avoid, closeness?\

She says she's "busy" or "tired" when she doesn't want to do something with me, when she's doing something with others, when she doesn't want to talk, when she's lying or hiding something. Sometimes she is truly busy with having 3 kids. When she's thinking straight she actually gives me the real reason. For example, today I asked her if she would like to go for a massage tonight. She said her husband and her are taking their kids to see a movie. If she were avoiding me or lying or hiding something, she would have said "I'm busy" or "I made other plans" or "I'm too tired." Statements that close the discussion.

[clairejen]

Hi

HelloKitty, that clarifies things. Illuminati, yes there are some practical, realistic issues that hold  him back. I am feeling frustrated and anxious, fearing I did more harm than good with my text. He has not replied yet.

Claire

[Scott72]

Hi claire, yes I've tried so much, flowers, letter, texts, she says it pushes her away further. She says regardless of her feelings for me she just can't get back together- I've asked for an explanation but nothing. It's crazy as very shortly she will become homeless with her two kids, as the lease is up on the house, she can't afford to stay now I've gone, I thought that even that desperate situation may jolt her to her think a bit more reasonably , however that's not a BPD trait. I've tried nc and managed two weeks, which she broke for a non reason, however like I said, I feel that we should be at least seeing wether we could reconcile before its too late for her regarding where she lives. I have said to her that I'm sure she has good reasons for not anything to get back together, could she just explain them to me so I can get closure and move on, sadly no response, which I feel sometimes that she wants me to hang on, but come a months time I will have no reason to communicate with her. I fear I've lost her for good 

[almost789]

Yeah PC, I know your not comfortable with the situation. Who would be? He moved away and you've not spoken in a few months. . I do know you have a brain of your own and wouldn't make your life decisions based on what us internet folks on the internet say about our life, I certainly hope so anyway. My situation is not like yours exactly, my person with BPD is not a significant part of my life anymore, he's a friend thats it. I try to be there for him. I have other significant people in my life. So, in that sense me staying with my pwBPD as a friend doesn't jeopardize my well being. Im not emotionally dependant on him. You can't be emotionally dependent on a person with BPD. Im not sure you have fully grasped that yet. It seems like you were hoping that he would overcome his intimacy problems if you would just do everything perfectly and I felt the same way but it doesn't work that way, it takes a few drops on the head before you get it. At least it did for me.

[almost789]

Hi Clairjen,

Sorry I flubbed up your above, that was suppose to go on a different post. But since I'm here,

I never had any good responses from my BPD friend with direct confrontation. They really can't stand confrontation, it makes it very difficult to communicate as I am usually very direct. Its like you have to learn a whole new language of how to communicate with a BPD person. And even then it doesn't usually go all that well. What is it with pwBPD such difficulty with talking through things? It seems none of them can talk on an emotional level. I have to remind my self... .  toddler mentality.

[clairejen]

Hi

Yes Summer, I will keep in mind the "toddler mentality". I need to remain focused on that, despite the person's intelligence or work abilities, I need to remember that when it comes to feelings and relations, they are similar to toddlers. I'll write a separate post on that.

  He called me, and we didn't have time to talk at the moment. He is open to talking about his schedule and availability (or lack of it).  I would like to focus on validating, not totally breaking up with him (I am thinking of a break though), and not being nasty and over-reactive no matter what we talk about and consider when we talk about it. These are my goals.

Claire