Perspective needed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm needing perspective to see if/where I'm way off base.  My DH and I have been separated for about 1 month, and one of the boundaries I put in place was no chit-chatting about small stuff until we have figured out the major fights that had happened that were being swept under the carpet.

During this past month, it was my 40th b-day and I graduated from university, and any celebratory trip DH and I had been planning wasn't going to happen (we hadn't quite booked anything before we separated).  So, after a few weeks, I decided to go with the kids on a trip on my own to have a quasi-celebration.  I let him know that we would be on a road trip for a week. Nicely.

The night before we left, he spent some time with my son, and let my son know he just bought a motorcycle and was selling the van.  (he technically owns the van and I own my car).  He didn't let *me* know, and when I asked him about it, he said that it was "small stuff" and I had asked him not to talk about that.  He apologized that I was frustrated, said he didn't do it to upset me, and that it isn't a big deal to him.

I'm really frustrated, because buying/selling vehicles is NOT small stuff to me.  Sure - if we were done then I wouldn't expect him to tell me, but we were still talking about when we would get back together.  I don't want him to apologize to me because I'm frustrated - I want him to see that buying/selling vehicles is big stuff. 

I'm feeling like I have the BPD.  Alternatively, I feel like he's being very passive-aggressive and was secretly hoping that it would hurt me.  His response when I told him I was feeling frustrated, was that "well, it hurt me when you decided to go on a trip without me".  As in - it hurts to be separated and hear about each other's lives right now. 

I feel like he has absolutely no concept of empathy and understanding for my point of view, either before he acts, or even when I tell him.  His responses are often "I'm sorry YOU feel that way, but I'm perfectly fine with it".  And then I feel way off base.  This is crazy making.

Anyone who can offer any insight?

[Healing4Ever]

I'm needing perspective to see if/where I'm way off base.  My DH and I have been separated for about 1 month, and one of the boundaries I put in place was no chit-chatting about small stuff until we have figured out the major fights that had happened that were being swept under the carpet.

During this past month, it was my 40th b-day and I graduated from university, and any celebratory trip DH and I had been planning wasn't going to happen (we hadn't quite booked anything before we separated).  So, after a few weeks, I decided to go with the kids on a trip on my own to have a quasi-celebration.  I let him know that we would be on a road trip for a week. Nicely.

The night before we left, he spent some time with my son, and let my son know he just bought a motorcycle and was selling the van.  (he technically owns the van and I own my car).  He didn't let *me* know, and when I asked him about it, he said that it was "small stuff" and I had asked him not to talk about that.  He apologized that I was frustrated, said he didn't do it to upset me, and that it isn't a big deal to him.

I'm really frustrated, because buying/selling vehicles is NOT small stuff to me.  Sure - if we were done then I wouldn't expect him to tell me, but we were still talking about when we would get back together.  I don't want him to apologize to me because I'm frustrated - I want him to see that buying/selling vehicles is big stuff. 

I'm feeling like I have the BPD.  Alternatively, I feel like he's being very passive-aggressive and was secretly hoping that it would hurt me.  His response when I told him I was feeling frustrated, was that "well, it hurt me when you decided to go on a trip without me".  As in - it hurts to be separated and hear about each other's lives right now. 

I feel like he has absolutely no concept of empathy and understanding for my point of view, either before he acts, or even when I tell him.  His responses are often "I'm sorry YOU feel that way, but I'm perfectly fine with it".  And then I feel way off base.  This is crazy making.

Anyone who can offer any insight?

[Rose Tiger]

It drove me crazy that we couldn't discuss the big issues.  Ever.  Communication in a marriage is SO important.  I had to give up the expectation that we ever could have a serious conversation.  If your husband is not in treatment, you, too, have to let this go.  You can study the communication lessons about how to have talks with difficult people, you can become skilled in S.E.T and ways to approach difficult subjects.  It can get better.  What isn't going to change is his ability to empathize with your position, the emotional immaturity isn't going to go away if he isn't serious about treatment.

Your boundary is not discussing small stuff.  That is a rule you put in place for you.  Him not discussing selling the vehicle is his deal and doesn't really have anything to do with your boundary.  A boundary around that might be, I don't want to be married to someone that won't discuss large purchases with me.  It's a new boundary area, not an addendum to the original boundary.

[bruceli]

Could he be feeling that it may have been a little passive/agressive that you booked a trip and went without him?  Yes... .  thing is they don't get that because... .  they can do it to you but how dare you do it to me.  Sell expensive vehicle... .  small stuff... .  go to 7/11 and not ask them to go even though you know they would'nt... .  big stuff to them most likely leading to a rage episode.

[Healing4Ever]

Yes - I do think he's upset I went away. I think that's partly why I'm upset with him - instead of communicating that he's upset, he bought a motorcycle and didn't tell me.  But he would never admit to doing that.  And that is part of what I'm feeling so done with - it's a definite pattern with DH that he doesn't communicate how he's feeling, but instead retaliates or makes his own decisions without letting me know. And those decisions can feel passive-aggressive or even punitive at times.

Thanks for the clarity regarding my boundary not applying to the purchasing of a motorcycle.  I couldn't quite articulate it that way - so thanks.

Since posting, and perhaps this is really what was behind the motorcycle purchase, he (we) have seemingly ended our relationship.  I guess you don't sell a mini-van, and purchase a motorcycle, when your heart is still in the family. 

If there are any more thoughts about the issues from my original post - I would love to hear them.

I'm still unsure about how to view/understand it when I feel upset about a situation (him purchasing the motorcycle and not telling me) and his response (sorry you feel that way, I'm fine with it).  This just doesn't feel validating to me, and I'm wondering if it's okay for me to want more of an empathetic response?  (I guess I wouldn't get it from a BPD, but in principle.  I grew up with a BPD mother and I'm trying to figure out what is normal, and what may be my own issues vs. his issues)

I guess I'll also start posting on the leaving board now. 

[Rose Tiger]

His action says 'emotional immaturity'.  Not thinking things through, not discussing with his marriage partner.  People with BPD are impulsive.  Passive/aggressive, oh yeah.  Big time.

Do you have a right to be upset?  Oh yeah.  You were up front about the trip.  You were doing the right thing.  No suprises, no tantrums.  Fair and balanced. 

Living with BPD in the family does set a person up to second guess, do I have a right to be upset?  Am I over-reacting?  It comes from having your feelings constantly belittled and stomped on.  Then it gets to the point where you are fed up with it, something inside says ENOUGH.  That is the first step towards making things better.  You become your own champion.  The person with BPD will step it up to put you back into the corner.  Keep fighting, do it to model for your kids and for you.  If your spouse comes around to wanting to work on things, all the better.  It takes making that stand and being strong enough to walk away if that is what it takes to get you to a healthy place.  You've got to get your oxygen mask on first and take care of yourself, then you can worry on him.  If you still desire it at that point.