not sure what to do next

[gravy75]

not sure what to do next iv been separated from my BPD wife for 2 months i have 3 kids 2 with her.

we have little contact since she left and i have all three kids with me. need to file for divorce but have had no help from her in anyway and no money to file myself. Im very worried that she may show up and take the kids from me. anyway i can stop that from happening.     

[ForeverDad]

The fact that she left and left the kids behind is noteworthy.  Be sure to document that, make sure others are aware of that.  Doesn't mean she can't come back and try to get them, but it's a good start for you as the apparently responsible parent.  If you are able to file and you have the children, it will start you off in the divorce process in a fairly good position as the current majority time parent.  The longer you are majority time parent, the better.

If you haven't filed yet, yes you both have equal but unspecified rights as parents.  The part I mentioned about 'unspecified' is that generally - without a court order - no officer will step in and try to adjudicate who should walk away with the children when both want the children and have gotten the emergency responders involved.  However, an officer unfamiliar with the parenting history is more likely to look at the father than the mother and say, "Why not let them go with the mother and resolve this incident quickly?"  Be aware of that and ponder how best to be prepared if that happens.

I believe most courts do have filing fees of a few hundred dollars.  You don't have to have a lawyer to fill out the forms and file, but it is advisable to at least get some inexpensive consultations so you know what your rights are and how to avoid common missteps in the process.  Also, you can ask the court clerk for references to legal aid, the local Bar Association or lawyers who might charge sliding scale based on income.

Meanwhile, I would not pressure her to share in the parenting.  If she wants to, fine, do so carefully and without unduly triggering her to overreact, but don't try to compel her to do more than she is inclined to do.

Could you post more, whatever you're comfortable sharing, so we can get a better grasp on the past history.  Is your spouse less attached to the children?  If so, then the process may not be as difficult as other have faced.  (My ex was the opposite, she was extremely possessive, always was and still is, and so my situation was not like yours.)  But be aware of the possibility that she may at some point try to get back into the children's lives, either to show she's not a 'bad' mother, to avoid paying child support, to paint you as the 'bad' parent or a variety of other reasons.

[gravy75]

its a long story but ill try to get right to the point. married ten years. wife has been locked up in the behavioral health unit 3 times in the last three or four years and failed a drug test each time. she claims to want to c the kids but has done nothing to try to c them or talk to them each time she texted me ask me to have the kids call her which i wont do if she wants to talk to them she should call the way i c it. she s not much of a mother never really had much to do with them even when she was here she wasn't really here neglected the kids while she slept all day or locked herself in the bedroom to watch TV and smoke pot or to masturbate all day. I have a thirteen year old daughter from a previous relationship that she tried to choke a couple of years ago. she has come at me with a knife before all with the kids in the house. We have broken up only to get back together numerous times in the last couple of years but this time she didn't  run off with my younger girls only smart thing she has done for them. she has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder but after reading several books and web sites i am convinced that she has borderline pd and NPD or that she a lest runs the spectrum of borderline as she has aspects of all the traits. She says she is back on meds but i dont trust her and anyways it will take months for those to fully kick in so i guess time really is of the essence as she will be stable or more stable any way in the near future but have not had any help from her as far as money and just barley scrapping by so no money to file even myself.

[gravy75]

oh and legal aid will not help as im employed. iv met with a couple of lawyers but as soon as i told them i had no money the politely showed me the door.

[catnap]

The only suggestion I can think of is talking to your local domestic abuse center. 

Trying to choke your D13 and coming at you with a knife. . .I am thinking a restraining order for yourself and the children would give you  some legal protection and breathing room.  Your local dv center might have someone that helps with this process. 

[marbleloser]

Go file "ex parte" for exclusive use of the home and custody of the kiddos.This will keep her from coming back into the home.You have a HUGE advantage right now with her abandoning the kids.Don't let it pass by.You can represent yourself in court if need be.

[Waddams]

Do you have documentation of the attacks?  Pictures?  Non-family witnesses?  Police reports?  Prior restraining orders?

[ForeverDad]

There's nothing wrong with representing yourself - the legal phrase is pro se.  The key is that you don't want to (1) make innocent legal blunders or (2) miss out on legal opportunities due to your ignorance of what counts in court.  (You have a legal 'opportunity' now that you might lose if you don't act fairly soon: her long history of mental or hospital incidents and her current state of drug dependence, abandonment to some extent, etc.)

Some here, since they didn't have enough money for a lawyer, just used a cooperative lawyer for minimal support and guidance - and minimal charges - such as short consultations as needed, making basic legal strategies, proofing paperwork, etc.  The court itself will provide you the forms you need and often the staff help by telling you what is wrong with forms you bring to file, they just can't give legal advice.  Others have been able to find help through Legal Aid.

If she's gone (for now), has a history of drug problems and to some extent has been neglecting to care for the children, then you may not have as drastic a need for 'hands on' legal representation as the majority here.  You still need some legal guidance to make sure you (1) don't shortchange yourself or (2) make a legal blunder, but action soon (properly planned and executed) is far better than inaction.

While we can't give legal advice, we are good peer support.  We've walked in your shoes, we're familiar with the common issues addressed by family court, so in that way we can help you see which issues to pursue and which issues to let go or even avoid.  For example, Let Go of worrying for her or fixing her (if in ten years she still has significant issues, any more effort to help her or fix her would be a terrible waste of your energy and your resources).  Your primary focus now should be on yourself and the children.  She's an adult, she is responsible for herself.  The children are minors, they need you.

[broken3]

Gravy,

Mable and forever are right.

In my state its called exclusive use of the marital home. File immediately.

[gravy75]

a small update to my story. Filed for child support last week. waiting for her to be served. im very curious to see what her response be.

In the meantime its been almost 3 months that she has been gone. no contact with the kids for the entire time no contact with me for 2 weeks i cant understand how she could walk away from the kids without a fight I mean how could she do that. i realize that i should file for divorce and get the ball moving but part of me is still holding out hope that she will come back to us  i know this wrong but i cant help myself iv been missing her a lot lately.

[ForeverDad]

And what if she does come back?  Will that fix the issues?  What confidence would you have that she would stay, be a meaningful parent and spouse and never wander off again?  I'm not negative, just realistic.  Meanwhile, waiting on dreams and hopes can leave you vulnerable if she chooses to use legal tactics against you.

My story, my ex was the opposite, super possessive of our preschooler and me blacklisted as Mr Evil Personified.  After our mutual temporary protective orders were dismissed during our separation, she started blocking all father-child contact, even blocking my calls to him.  Finally I accepted she was not going to reconcile and my marriage had imploded explosively.  My only choice to see my child again was to file for divorce.  Guess what?  The day before I filed for divorce in domestic court, she filed for child support in juvenile court.  Since divorce trumped CS, her CS case was merged into mine.  And of course she counter filed asking for the sun, moon and stars.

My point?  You can ask for child support and maybe your spouse will go along with it.  Or maybe she'll fight it, perhaps even file for divorce herself.  What would you do if she claimed, "My spouse is an abuser and controller, drove me away from my home, wouldn't let me take my children with me, is blocking my access to my children, I haven't even been able to talk to them and now he wants my money too"?  Even if she wouldn't think to file that way, her lawyer might tell her they have to be aggressive and have her do that.  Divorce and even seeking CS can be very oppositional, even if both spouses are reasonably normal people.  The things my ex's lawyer had my ex sigh made me out to be an ogre.

Only you can decide the best way to proceed.  Fortunately, you don't appear to have - at the moment - a possessive or retaliatory spouse.  But asking for CS could be a trigger for her.  She may not want to appear to be a non-custodial mother.  A lot depends on how distanced she is from it all.  Is she that passive about them?

[gravy75]

she's not possessive of the kids at all and never truly wanted to be a mother and her coming back at this point wouldn't be good for anyone as i doubt that i could ever trust her again. I know that my thinking about her is disordered guess iv been lonely and with nothing but the kids to occupy me I keep slipping into thinking about her. divorcing her is my only real option I know this to be true. What I need most from her right now is money to help pay bills and put food on the table If she doesn't help out soon i may have to move because ill lose my house bankruptcy administrator filed to dismiss our bankruptcy for being behind im already 2 months behind on my mortgage. I just feel alone and without much hope right now.     

[ForeverDad]

Any solid reasons to stay married?  Are there any financial advantages to staying married?

Would it be best to wrap CS up in the bigger D solution?  You can always follow up with D filing later, but is there any legal or strategic benefit to delay?

I just feel alone and without much hope right now.

This is how you feel subjectively in the here and now.  We often describe our ordeals as walking, stumbling down a dark tunnel.  We see a glimmer in the distance, yes, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep going forward toward, the light, your future, will gradually get brighter.  Not yet, you have so many irons in the fie to deal with, but it will get better, you will feel better the more progress you make.

Recovery is a process, not an  event.  Same goes for our exit from the BPD version of the Twilight Zone.  Give it time and it will get better.

[broken3]

Gravy,

You are not alone. Some of us here have gone through similiar scenarios.

IMHO.

File for divorce and CS.

File for exlusve use of the marital home.

If need be. File for food assistance.

Contact the hope hotline. They will help contact the mortgage company and grant a forebearance.

All of this can be done without legal help.

Keep focused. And remember. You are not only doing this for yourself.

But for your family!

[gravy75]

What is the hope hotline and #

[broken3]

800-995-HOPE.

IT maybe 888-995-HOPE

Good luck.!

[gravy75]

well she was served with child support papers and yet no response form her. i sincerely thought i would hear from her after that but no complete silence. As a side note after some pushing from some friends i did file some neglect papers against her. have a court date this Monday guess will she how or if she responds to that.

[marbleloser]

Without filing for divorce,she doesn't really have a legal obligation to pay child support I don't think.

You need to keep documentation of when she left the home,you,and the kids.She'll be required to pay back support if/when you do file for divorce.

Any money she gives you at the moment would be consider a "gift".Not child support.You need a judges signature on a divorce filing to include that the "non custodial parent" shall pay child support to the "custodial parent".

In the meantime,sign up for any assistance you can get if you need it.If she starts paying support,you'll be obligated to report that to the state agency you're getting the assistance from,so that they can re-assess the amounts.

[ForeverDad]

My state allows for child support to be requested without anything else involved.  What happened to me:  The day before I filed for divorce in domestic court, she filed for child support over in juvenile court.  Since divorce trumped CS, her CS case was merged into mine.

And since she was exceedingly possessive of our preschooler and had painted me black, she counter filed asking for the sun, moon and stars.  Clearly, your stbEx is quite different, she isn't attached to the children very much, so your experience may not be as extreme as what some of the others of us here experienced.

In cases like yours, we generally advise not to try to pull back the wandering spouse unless you really feel the relationship can be repaired.  However, you've already concluded there is no future to the marriage and it's perfectly okay to get some financial support from her (if you can) to care for the children.

[marbleloser]

FD,was there a timeframe for a reply in your state for CS request? Like the 30 days for answering divorce papers?

That's a new one on me.

[ForeverDad]

FD,was there a timeframe for a reply in your state for CS request? Like the 30 days for answering divorce papers?

That's a new one on me.

I don't recall writing a reply.  I just appeared on the date to appear.  Ex didn't appear so maybe she didn't have to or maybe she had the divorce papers already and her lawyer said not to bother going since the divorce would take precedence?

[gravy75]

i live in KY and i was told that she has 20 days to respond and that i dont have to file for divorce to ask for support.

Still its hard for me to understand how she can be so cold as to not care about her children I myself could never walk away

I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship i believe her mother is BPD as well that Ive had custody of since she was 3 1/2 that i had to fight tooth and nail for as i was expecting in this case im dumfounded as to no response to any of this.