I'm divorced

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Hello everybody,

Last Thursday, May 2nd was d-day!

Wow! We wound up negotiating a settlement the day we had to tell the judge whether or not we were going to trial. It was a nail-biter for me because I had no money left. So, I wasn't going to be able to afford a trial (at least that's what my lawyer told me. If we didn't reach an agreement, no divorce! My L and I had to act as if I had enough. We did well enough. I don't think I would have done better if I had the money. I didn't have my documentation prepared well enough.

I achieved almost all of my goals, especially the big things:

     50/50 physical custody of S8

     Co-conservator of S8

     No child support because of 50/50 physical custody

     No alimony

     

We didn't have any property or money left to split. I did have to take on an extra $20K in credit card debt.

BPDex had some crazy claims/wants about our personal property that I was able to negotiate into items that I could sell for cash. I'm pleased with that.

I wasn't able to get the right to choose residence (GAL's written report said that I should get the right to choose residence because BPDw gets work through fedex, so she could move anywhere, but with my profession, relocation is much harder). However, BPDw agreed to stay in our current county and, if I have to relocate to get a job, she agreed to relocate with me and to move within 20 miles of where I move to. I will need to consult with her on the move, but I don't think she's going to object too much because she really wants to move to a new town. When/if the time comes, I will help/pay for as much of her move as I can. She has agreed to move like this 3 times. She did get the designation of the person with "primary custody". According to my L, essentially, she has primary custody in name only. I've quizzed my L many times about how enforceable this would be, and she seems very certain that it is as enforceable as if I were designated the person who determines S8's residence. Either way, if I get a job that requires relocation, she can fight it in court.

Things that helped me the most:

     The advice from bpdfamily.com!

     Starting off with good preliminary orders. I had read the book "splitting" several times and one thing that really stuck in my mind was how important the "small", initial proceedings were, and that "temporary orders" often become permanent. This was so true in our case!

     Got a custody evaluation. I used a GAL, instead of custody evaluator. She didn't do as much of a the custody evaluation as I wanted her to, but her recommendation helped my case a lot!

     BPDex: She had enough rope to hang herself, and she did. She didn't spend much time in front of court or my 2nd lawyer, but enough so that my L caught on. BPDex's L didn't seem to have much of a clue. 

     My 2nd lawyer. She was so good. She could have been better, but she was good. She listened. She stood up for me. I'm sure that it helped that she saw me with S8--I had to take him the first two times that I met with her--he played with his k'nex sets in another room while I talked to her.

    Learning to be more assertive, with BPDex and even with lawyers and judges.

I could have done better. Gotten the divorce over with faster, saved money, and possibly gotten the right to determine residency. But, maybe not. Who knows? I am proud of getting through it as well as I did. I could have come out a lot worse!

It is done! 

We have survived!

Of course, BPDex is already demanding things, particularly money in one form or another. E.g., she says that, since my food stamps are partly to pay for S8's food costs, that I owe her some of my food stamps! It's always something.  

AnotherPheonix   

[momtara]

Congrats!  Whew.

What is bpdfamily.com?

Also, did your spouse agree to the custody evaluation?

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Thank you, Momtara,

Ftf = FacingTheFacts, these boards.

AnotherPheonix   

[marbleloser]

Congrats to you! The only thing that bothers me is she has primary.Pay no attention to what your lawyer said about that.It's big.

"It is done!"

No,it's not.That was round 1.Now the hard part begins if you want primary.Keep documenting,photographing,keep receipts,etc.,, Be ready when she makes a mistake and go back for primary custody in round 2.

You did well starting at 50/50.Very well!No cs and no alimony is going to help you prepare for round 2.Save some money for legal fees and be a perfect dad.Don't let your guard down now.

[AnotherPhoenix]

Congrats to you! The only thing that bothers me is she has primary.Pay no attention to what your lawyer said about that.It's big.

"It is done!"

No,it's not.That was round 1.

 Thank you!

I agree with you about it only being round 1 and about her being declared "primary" is a bigger deal than my lawyer thinks even though everything is split 50/50 it is in our agreement the she would move with me.

You are correct. I need to keep documenting and be ready. Save money for legal fees and be a great dad.



AnotherPheonix    

Now the hard part begins if you want primary.Keep documenting,photographing,keep receipts,etc.,, Be ready when she makes a mistake and go back for primary custody in round 2.

You did well starting at 50/50.Very well!No cs and no alimony is going to help you prepare for round 2.Save some money for legal fees and be a perfect dad.Don't let your guard down now.

[marbleloser]

 

[livednlearned]

Hi AP,



It's a big milestone, isn't it? Even though most of us here seem to revolve in and out of court over one thing or another for years, the first settlement is big. I don't think any of us come out of our settlements/trials feeling like we "won" but it's great that you have 50/50. Does co-conservatorship mean the same thing as joint legal custody? Meaning, you both share decision-making for your son?

About primary custody -- in some states, the rules really do take the teeth out of that designation. Meaning, it could be important if your son spent more than 50% of the time with her. If son is 50/50, then the legal teeth are minimal. In other states, it has no legal meaning whatsoever. I think it's also possible that a judge can decide what primary custody means in any particular case -- if that's the case in your county/state, the only time I can imagine it mattering is if your ex tries to give it more meaning, and the judge agrees. By then, you'll probably have a lot more BPD behavior you can use if needed.

I have found in my case that being primary physical custodial parent does not mean anything. It's the primary legal custody that matters, and that has been a hard fight to win, even in my case with an obviously disordered spouse and gender bias.

My read on your situation is that you did really well. I hope your son is doing ok, and you too 

LnL

[whirlpoollife]

 Just the feeling of being divorced from your PD spouse has to be a great feeling.

[AnotherPhoenix]

 

Sorry about the late replies. I strained my should badly last week, and I can finally use it again.

LnL: You are so right. It is a big milestone! I came out fairly well. I am happy about that.

     co-conservatorship is the same thing a joint legal custody. We are doing well.

Whirlpoollife: It is a great feeling alright. I know the conflicts won't stop--not with my wife, but it is great to get through this milestone!

AnotherPheonix   

[Matt]

Things that helped me the most:

     The advice from bpdfamily.com!

     Starting off with good preliminary orders. I had read the book "splitting" several times and one thing that really stuck in my mind was how important the "small", initial proceedings were, and that "temporary orders" often become permanent. This was so true in our case!

     Got a custody evaluation. I used a GAL, instead of custody evaluator. She didn't do as much of a the custody evaluation as I wanted her to, but her recommendation helped my case a lot!

     BPDex: She had enough rope to hang herself, and she did. She didn't spend much time in front of court or my 2nd lawyer, but enough so that my L caught on. BPDex's L didn't seem to have much of a clue. 

     My 2nd lawyer. She was so good. She could have been better, but she was good. She listened. She stood up for me. I'm sure that it helped that she saw me with S8--I had to take him the first two times that I met with her--he played with his k'nex sets in another room while I talked to her.

    Learning to be more assertive, with BPDex and even with lawyers and judges.

Congratulations!

All in all, I think you did very well, and this sounds like a workable situation.

I'm interested in your bullet "My 2nd lawyer".  Another way to say that would be, "My choice to change lawyers."  It's a pain in the neck to make that change - I did it too - but if you gotta do it you gotta do it.  How did you make that decision?  And if you could do it over, what might you do differently - maybe there is a way you could have picked a better lawyer the first time... .  ?

Matt

[redrosemarie]

I am glad its over. However I have picked up some great pointers. My children are grown; no custody battles. Howver waiting for the "other shoe to drop" in the next monetary battle

[redrosemarie]

I am paying him to sit on his ass because of BPD. whayt a crock!

[slimmiller]

 

Congratulations! Its a good feeling and I agree that its only a first step with children involved. It has by no means ended, I dont think

The main thing from here on out is like the others mentioned, be a good dad. She can not force you to do otherwise but if she can she will. What I mean is if she is at all like mine (I swear they are wll sisters) she will even try and deprive you of your child just so it levels the playing field. I found that it works much better when I dont fight her at all. What I mean is I appeal and just say things like, 'I would like to take them here or there' or I thought 'it would be nice to the kids to do this' or 'last time the kids said its was enjoyable' etc etc. Rather then, 'its my weekend' or anything that they can twist into and make a fight they will. I even tell the kids that it works better when we dont fight mommies ideas. Seems doing so only brings out the claws. It has nothing to do with whats better for the kids but EVERYTHING to do with what she wants.

The divorce is a very important first step in that the torment no longer feels like eternal damnation so to speak. My guess is that now she has the space to further prove herself. Mine likes to say, 'we are not together anymore' when it becomes obvious in a discussion her logic is flawed or is she is loosing an argument. Its a great weapon for her that she uses for a cop out. Plus she can now openly 'date' as she calls it.

It will still be all 'negotiations' going forward. One of the most glarings truths that I read on one of these boards about BPD is that, in essence, you will never see a BPD self reflect and say to themselves, 'What I am doing and how I am doing it is not working and in the best interest of everyone so I will change my behaviour'. After all, why should they since everything is 'our' fault.

So even with the divorce, good luck! It gets better. I am six month post divorce and yes its better, but its going to be 11 years and 30 days till its completely over. D6 will be 18

[sanemom]

Congratulations!  I know it has got to feel good... .  let's hope you can stay out of court for a while.  

Now on to parallel parenting... .   

Big picture question--now after it is over, do you believe that the best defense is a good offense?  Or is there a better strategy?

[AnotherPhoenix]

Thank you for the replies! 

They have some good thoughts and questions. I hope you don't mind my responding to them next week. My mother passed away yesterday. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202339.0

AnotherPheonix