Major family events - unable to enter in.

[mom2bkl]

So, this is something that I am more curious about than anything and of course yesterday being Mother's Day... .  brought it again to the forefront. My dd18 is completely unable to participate or enter into situations that make her reach outside herself. My nonBPD dd16 and her little brother ds9 had planned a big breakfast for me Sunday a.m. unbeknownst to me. They asked BPD dd18 to make sure she was home on the Sunday morning for breakfast (because of course weekends are party time and she basically is never home then) but of course she didn't show. Showed up 5 minutes before we left for church with an orchid and some flowers - which was very sweet. BUT... .  she cannot even UTTER the words Happy Mother's Day... .  kisses me and goes to the bedroom. Basically out of commission the rest of the day... .  and about 5:00 heads for the hills again even though I ask her to stay. I did send her a text to say how much my feelings were hurt... .  but that does nothing and I don't know why I even wasted my time.

We find this happens at almost any major family thing. My hubby is a teacher and does a major culinary competition every year... .  for the last two years she has been "sick" and just doesn't go... .  the situations repeat themselves over and over. Anyone have similar situations? Thanks much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Could it be that your dd is avoiding family for fear of conflict? My dd will not eat dinner with us and will lock herself in her room... .  I think she does this to avoid conflict and to gain control. I also feel that the pwBPD is very selfish so they tend to look at themselves more than other. I know on the surface it appears your dd is trying to hurt you but I think you should try and look at it as her illness making her behave the way she does.  Try not to take it personally.

[Eclaire5]

Yes, I do notice that behavior in my dd20 as well. I understand that they do not do it on purpose to hurt us, but it still hurts… Borderlines have a difficult time putting themselves in other people’s shoes because everything is about them. Often they lack empathy to understand how their behavior can hurt their loved ones and see nothing wrong with what they do. I have come to the point that the less I expect from my daughter the better things are, and it helps me to focus on the little things that she does for me. Yesterday was ok for us, but I did notice that during lunch (my husband took us out for mother’s day) she tried to make it all about her. First, she kept complaining about the restaurant and what a bad pick my husband had made, and then in the middle of our meal she started talking about the problems she is having with her ex, was crying quite a bit and remained in a bad mood for the rest of the afternoon. Instead of feeling annoyed that she turned the outing into a counseling session, I tried to focus on the fact that at least this year she got me a card and a plant for a gift, and changing my perception made it a little better for me. It doesn’t work all the time, but try to take it one step at a time.  

[Kate4queen]

My BPD son never dealt well with any occasion that basically wasn't focused on him or celebrated someone else in the family. He ruined birthdays, Holidays, graduations, even other people being hospitalized where all supposed to be about his needs etc etc for years. He's also a narcissist.

the first thing that greeted me yesterday on Mother's day was a threatening and complaining email with an offhand happy mother's day. He didn't have to send it yesterday, but I wasn't surprised at all that he chose to do so.

So, yeah, it seems to be an issue for them

[mom2bkl]

Thx everyone... .  I pretty much had confirmation yesterday of how this horrible disorder works... .  dd18 comes home from school and says "Mom we did a project in school today I want to tell you about. If I could do ANYTHING in the world do you know what it would be?" Of course I respond the normal things that I think would be the best things she could do for her... .  like saving animals in Africa. She responds "Yes, that is what I would do for me. But this is about an act of kindness... .  " She starts to cry and says "I would take back every single thing I have done to hurt you... .  I would be the perfect child and not make all these choices that I have. I know they hurt you so much."

It isn't much... .  but my heart was touched that my little girl is still in there somewhere... .  and was at least an opportunity to confirm my love for her with my arms wrapped around her and tell her that yes it hurts, but only because I love her and know that she is capable of SOO much more than even she knows! Thx for listening... .  Mother's Day did come... .  just one day later:)

[jellibeans]

I cried reading this... .  how sweet and what a great gift for you... .  

[griz]

Oh my.  There are tears in my eyes.  That is so beautiful.  Can you hang on to that when things are not okay. Hang on to her also. Your little girl is in there trying to fight her way out and when she does your open arms will be there for her.

Happy Mothers Day,

Griz