hearing or conference tomorrow

[whirlpoollife]

  To my surprise there is a custody hearing or conference tomorrow. My L had put in for a

for a cancelation of it because s14 and d12 had told their GAL they wwere fine with current schedule. Three three day weekends and two visits every other week.  GAL had appt scheduled with kids but canceled it because of motion to cancel hearing. I find out today that they did have appt with him but kids never told me. I heard it from my L.   Because kids were happy with orginal schedule and I learned to live with I did not opt for an evaluation because their wants would override anything else. 

  After my asking kids they say they now want 50/50. One week on /off. GAL suggests making h's three weekends to 4 day instead of three. Judge likes 50/50.

First support hearing is next week, mymy does that have anything to with 50/50?

Yes I want support for kids as I have been paying 90% of everything now. With 50/50 do I get any? Support not paid is retroactive from last year at least.   Knowing h this 50/50 is to not pay. Has 50/50 ever gone to where the primary caregiver pays support? My income is far below his but I have some savings where he does not.

What days are best for exchange if 50/50? How do kids do? how do you do the afterschool activities everyother week. He is not home at those times.

A lot of rambling but I'm hurt by my kids , they still blame for the breakup, and nervous for tomorrow. Any support and experiences appreciated.    FD, you posted for someone else that do the best and reasonable and deal with the outcome. I feel that's what I need to do.

[marbleloser]

I've never heard of someone being named primary and paying support.As for the 50/50,it depends on how much more his income is than yours and in some cases,it means he won't pay any support.He'll have the kids half of the time,so you shouldn't need as much support or any,depending on the circumstances.He'll be paying for them on his time.You'll be paying for them on yours.

Back support will have to be paid though,if you've been primary and he's only had them say,EOW or so.

As for your savings,that's a marital asset if it was accrued during the marriage and something he might be entitled to half of.Same as debt.

He might use your savings to offset the back support he owes.These things (financials) are usually done in mediation as the court doesn't have the time or even want to rule over two people squabbling over money,unless it's child support.

[ForeverDad]

Has 50/50 ever gone to where the primary caregiver pays support?

I'm one of the presumably rare exceptions.  I got full custody a couple years ago but GAL didn't want to change me to majority time, ex had convinced our then 9 year old to say he was okay with the equal time.  Besides, GAL thought me paying CS would make ex more stable.  Due to presumed income discrepancy - ex never produced proof of income so she was imputed with minimum wage - I pay my ex almost as much as I paid when I was alternate weekend parent.  BTW, my ex has 3 professional state licenses.  It was to her advantage not to appear with her income records as required.

No, I'm not rich, I live out of my checking account and home equity line.  Paying CS ensures it stays that way.

After my asking kids they say they now want 50/50. One week on /off. GAL suggests making h's three weekends to 4 day instead of three. Judge likes 50/50.

Judges are usually reluctant to give too many weekends too one parent.  Usually 2 out of 4 or 3 out of 5 is typical.

First support hearing is next week, my my does that have anything to with 50/50?

Of course!

My income is far below his but I have some savings where he does not.

Child support is typically based on income, not assets.  But family court judges are allowed discretion to wander from the expected paths.

Did they say why they wanted 50/50?  I'm sure he's convinced them.  Or maybe they're also conflicted with wanting to be fair.  Unfortunately children often aren't objective enough to know what is best.

That's what happened with me when I got custody a couple years ago.  Son had always wanted more time with me but a week after ex found out a GAL had been assigned he suddenly started saying he wanted equal time.  I know where that came from.  Since court assumed I earn more than her (while I don't doubt it, she has never documented her earnings to the court and so she's always been 'imputed' with minimum wage which is near poverty level) and we have equal time, I have been paying her child support very nearly as much as I did when I had alternate weekends during the divorce.

Guess what?  Since then my son has many times asked to stay longer.  What can I say but, you told the GAL you wanted equal time, so that's what you have.  If you want help it change, you have to speak up.

• It is a fact - some parents try to get increased time in order to avoid or reduce child support.  Can you get that concept before the court?  Perhaps describe level of father's involvement now - or lack of it?  Oftentimes history means a lot.



• That you did not pursue evaluation because you had majority time, the children previously stated to GAL they didn't want changes.  (Will GAL confirm that to the court and that GAL did not inform you of the change, leaving you unprepared since otherwise you would have requested a custody evaluation?)  Now that they do, can you get an evaluation?  Can the current schedule be continued until an evaluation is complete (which can take 4-12 months)?  And how much of a difference will it make?



• The sad reality is that 50/50 generally isn't advisable when there is continuing parental conflict.  I believe I read something from Bill Eddy about that.  I think it was in his handbook, The Future of Family Court.  The children need stability.



• Not that my court is following it in my case  but my county has a published guideline schedule that does not list 50/50, all the schedules for young, middle and older children list one parent for majority time.  The latest guideline states in writing that it is good for the older children to have a home base and that schedule only has alternate weekends, nothing in between.

[momtara]

That's the problem with kids - they are manipulateable.  It's not their fault.  They don't want to have to be responsible for parents' problems, and they shouldn't be.  But yes, it's frustrating when they say the wrong thing. 

If you are the primary caretaker, then you should get some sort of support.

[broken3]

gonna chime in here.

Lets see. i Have thousands of dollars in forged business checks from my stbxw. (thats a civil matter because i failed to lock up my business checkbook). new boyfriend i found out about 1 day before she had me removed for abuse charges. ( never even spanked my kids). Paid all the bills for the past 20 years (including while i was removed from the home). I have a GED but run a business. But she has a bachellors degree (which i helped pay for).

Had her removed from house for neglect.

Yet she goes to court crying because she works part time at Home Depot (where her boyfriend works). And cant/wont get a better full time job.

  I have primary custody and pay for everything.

And yet i still have to pay her!

The system is broken... .  

[broken3]

Oh and a quick note,

3 kids, 17g, 15g, and 10b year old. She wants custody and/or more visitation with the 10b YO as he is alot easier than the teenagers.

She showers him with atten tion. Meanwhile the teenagers are left behind. Court said "nope". We are keeping kids together.

So i am left to deal with the mind games she plays on the little guy.

He does not get that sleeping on a couch is not good. That not knowing if he can get to school is not good. That if he cant get to practices and games is not good.

[marbleloser]

broken,Are you paying her cs or alimony?What's the parenting schedule like?Is this a final decree or temporary?

[whirlpoollife]

Kids wouldn't say why they decided on 50/50. But after having been married to h for 27 yrs I know he planted it in their nieve brains. If I'm a doormat they have no respect for me, if I speak up they hate me and feel sorry for their dad.

As for no support with 50l50. Who pays for after school lessons? Medical bills? Clothes? He hasn't bought them any clothes. I do/have on all of it. Because of his entitlement factor to have someone else pay the bill for all these past years. I want support. They are tying in some inheritance of mine into this too. So finances aren't too seperate. I feel our judge is just lazy so 50/50 to everyone is easy for her/him.

I had a mutual meeting spot for pick up and drop off. H hated it because i said so on it .his contol now is he wants to come to my house for drop off. He want in my house soo bad. I don't want him around here. Neighbors know if they see him to call police. So now if he comes here it will look the norm. What do I do? Give in? Any problems of pw N/BPD coming to ur house for drop off/pick up?

FD... .  from sounds of it you should not be paying any support. S2bh makes enough to pay and then some.

Thanks for input from all.

[marbleloser]

Don't let him pick up/drop off at your home.If he doesn't like where you picked,tell him to meet you at the police station for pick up and drop offs then.You need a place with video cameras if possible to stem any false allegations.

I was actually told this by a sheriffs deputy and it's pretty standard to have a neutral location.

School lessons,medical bills,clothes,etc.,, should be paid by both with 50/50,in equal amounts or you may be able to split it based on income percentages.Have you saved receipts showing that you've been paying for all of their clothing,medical,etc.,,?

Unfortunately,the past years you were married don't count too much.You can't get that back in support.Are you seeking alimony?

As for your inheritance,that should be a no-go and something you shouldn't have to worry about.They may try for it,but it'll be difficult to get it unless it was co-mingled with marital money,like in a joint account.

As for the kids,stand up for yourself and them.They'll figure it out later.They may be mad in the short term and kids will use one against the other in divorce.

[marbleloser]

Sorry I come across blunt wpl. I'm just giving my opinion and what I've learned so far.I know it's an extremely difficult thing to do.Your kids are at an age where their opinion counts in court.Still too young to make adult decisions,but old enough that they'll be heard.

IF you get 50/50,it doesn't mean it's over.You keep documenting and being a good momma.They may change their minds later,or he may make a mistake that enables you to get more custody.You get those kids any time he can't watch them or they want to come with you.Document that enough and it'll be enough to go back to court and show cause why you should have more time.

[broken3]

Marble,

I pay her alimony. Which I am fighting. They say she owes child supoport. But because I make more they deduct the child support from the alimony and I still have to pay $515.00 to her.

I pay for EVERYTHING... .  Yet the state gives her hundreds in food stamps per month because she claims to have custody. More bureacracy.

Final agreed custody is her everyother weekend and Wednesdays from 4-8.

Since she only sees them 16-19% of the court ordered visitation. I petitioned to get a majority custody deviation in the alimony.

Judge says just be happy you have kids.

She tried bringing my little guy into court.He was frightened to death. His mother flipped out in front of him. The judge saw it and scolded her.

[marbleloser]

broken,Can you contact the state and send them the order where you have primary?She's breaking the law and it'll hurt her if you get her investigated.She has a duty to report the truth and any change to the state regarding her benefits.(Been there/done that)

Keep fighting,but give it time to establish status quo.That's what the judge means by "be glad you have the kids".

He's giving her an opportunity to hang herself with her own rope,which she seems to be doing by not exeercising full visitation.

[ForeverDad]

School lessons,medical bills,clothes,etc.,, should be paid by both with 50/50,in equal amounts or you may be able to split it based on income percentages.

Based on my submitted income and ex's lack of records submitted which defaulted to imputed income for her, I am required to pay the majority of expenses.  Generally I pay and ex is to reimburse.  No surprise, she never reimburses.

Unfortunately,the past years you were married don't count too much. You can't get that back in support. Are you seeking alimony?

Some states might credit you for the time together, not sure, so check to see which things apply in your state.

As for your inheritance,that should be a no-go and something you shouldn't have to worry about.They may try for it,but it'll be difficult to get it unless it was co-mingled with marital money,like in a joint account.

I agree.  Unless the inheritance was commingled with marital assets, it is yours and yours alone.  Whether it might affect how much spousal or child support you get, I don't know.  Understand that your ex doesn't have much real ammunition to throw at you and so this claim is probably done primarily for emotional impact on you and with hopes to pressure a settlement or a judge's decision.

As for the kids,stand up for yourself and them.They'll figure it out later.They may be mad in the short term and kids will use one against the other in divorce.

Sadly, kids are affected by divorce.  And probably affected more by high conflict divorce.  It happens.  (Do you have Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison?)  Just do the right thing and don't worry too much by second guessing yourself.  Hopefully, in time they will see you are the more stable, loving and caring parent.  If not, well, at least you did what you considered was right and lived by your principles and standards.

[whirlpoollife]

57/43% I'm 57%.  Both L's talked to judge for an hour and and a half. My documents kept it from 50/50. Phone records ( for excessive use and not listening to court order on limits) a calendar with scheduled pick up times and actual pick up times. Notes on his behavoir. All helped.  Along with a good L who used them.  Since H did not want a mutual meeting spot and I didn't want him near my house I am to pick up and drop off at his house.  When the GAL came in he gave a big hello to and handshake to h, when he saw me he gave a humph hello. I felt he GAL was biased from the first time he met me as he talked to h first.

L said that if kids would not tell me where or how they came up with them wanting "50/50" and h did not bring them in today to testify on his behalf, it shows he had influenced them.

Support hearing coming up soon. It will be less because of more overnights to h but better than 50/50. Idk on alimony. L wants it but not sure how much will come of it.

Years ago when I was in the beginning planning stages of escape, I opened an individual account. So my inheritance went there. ( and back out to L) But past inheritance got to into the house, and paying off h's debts (stupid part of brain). But when I paid his debts, I got my name off his cards. 

Could of been worse today so I will be sastified with outcome.

Thanks for all of your replies they helped