Where to start?

[KsMum]

Hi, now I'm here I just don't know what to say, which is quite unusual for me LOL.

Our D18 left home (only the second time) just over two weeks ago and has finally been to see the GP to tell her that she thinks she has something more than depression and that she feels she meets the criteria for BPD. The GP has referred her to a psychiatrist so I feel like we're at the beginning of what will probably be a very long journey.

She's always been an attention seeker & needy, with a poor me attitude and never really happy since, oh, about 4 years old. I guess it was all developing from then as most of my attention went on her Asperger's brother. I blame myself, our education authority, her father, a specific incident at school, a former close friend of mine, and a former close friend of my daughter, but hey, that was then & this is now.

One of the concerns I have is that she may never be happy & another is that maybe she isn't BPD at all, but is Asperger's, but then, maybe she's both? Another concern is that her father might not accept the diagnosis & won't stop seeing her as a manipulative self centered child who needs to start towing the line. It took a long time before he accepted our son's Asperger's. Oh & another of my worries is that I'll never get over this feeling of guilt (but I've been told by others that it's not about me & I mustn't let it be about me).

I don't know why, but I'm feeling a bit flippant at the moment. Generally I'm not like that, but I'm fighting crying, so I'm afraid flippant it must be, at least for a little while.

Best be off now, so I can indulge myself in obsessing over finding out more about BPD.

Oh, I'm in the UK. Are there many other Brits in here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tkwoody]

Ksmum,

So sorry you are frustrated and sad. I never posted on any type of website before so this was weird for me too. I don't even use Facebook or twitter! Dark ages for me I guess. But let me just say posting on this site and reading the stories just like mine are therapeutic? This site is a Godsend. Keep your chin up and read some stories. You will find you are not alone. And sometimes there is much needed comfort in numbers .

[jellibeans]

Ksmum

I think that is a good place to start... .  read and read and read some more! I love overcomingBPD by Valerie Porr... .  I think it is interesting that your s has asperger's... .  My younger dd has BPD and my older has other neurological issues that impact her another way.

Once you learn as much as you can about BPD then you will have some insight into how to proceed. I have had to change a great deal and probably have a long way to go but that is when things will change... .  when you change. When you learn how to interact with your dd then there will be less conflict.

Knowing that you are dealing with BPD is the first step... .  when I found out about my dd it changed the whole way I thought of her and I continue to learn something new daily. You found a good place here... .  I have had so much help and advise from people who have been through the same as me... .  just know I am not alone brings me peace and I hope it brings peace to you too... .  welcome  

[KsMum]

Thank you guys.

I feel that I'm learning a new language, like I had to when my son was diagnosed. My daughter treats me as her ally and my husband as the enemy & that makes it difficult at home when she's here. I've read that BPDs are goods at creating a divide between people & we've certainly seen it here as I'm often making excuses for her while my husband (her father) often has a go at her about her attitude, or the way she doesn't do anything around the house.

It's been a lot calmer since she moved out, but I don't really like where she's staying & despite the fact that she says being here makes her worse, we both think she'd be better off dealing with her problems rather than running away from them. I really hope that this episode is going to be the catalyst for her getting the help she needs.

She texted me today to tell me that she's lost a stone (she's 6ft 1 tall but weighs over 20 stone (280 lb)) and her weight has always been a problem for her. When she's sad (which is often) she can't control her eating (my husband just calls her greedy) and when she's feeling better, she is more able to control what she eats or how much.

Trouble is, I don't know if I believe her. It's sad that in the back of my mind I'm thinking "I wonder if she's telling me she's lost weight to either show me that she must be happier away from home or so that we congratulate her & welcome her home without having to talk about what happened the day she moved out". Time will tell, I'm sure.

[Kate4queen]

My oldest son is an Aspy but he is nothing like my second son (21) who has BPD and Narcissm.

Second son made Aspy's life a nightmare for years because he was 'different' and in son #2's eyes everyone had to be like him, and listen to him, and obey him and Aspy son wouldn't.

At 24, it's interesting that my oldest has the clearest view of his 21 yr old brother of all of us because he says it how it is.

Eldest can't lie at all, second son is an habitual liar and manipulator who got all the attention when they were growing up due to additional physical issues. BPD son split me and my husband for years and we were very lucky our marriage survived.

I'm a Brit but I currently live in the USA.

I no longer blame myself for how they grew up. I did my best under very difficult circumstances and obviously the family genes were against me.

You're in a good place, hopefully your dd will get some help. Think about getting some therapy for yourself and your husband. Presenting a united front is very helpful. For me having been through a situation of having to accept one child was different, the Aspy one, having another wasn't quite as hard to process.