If I knew then what I know now it could've worked

[Scott72]

Hi all,I didn't learn of BPD until after we broke up, it was a light switch being flicked, she meets a lot of the criteria exactly!  I keep saying to myself and others If I knew then what I know now it could've worked. Have you felt that way? Has knowledge of your partners BPD in advance, helped you to cope?

[Newton]

Hi Scott72... .  I started using the tools here whilst in a relationship with a pwBPD (assumed)... .  

I thought "wow I've found the magic bullet to kill this awful disorder and save my relationship"... .  

What actually happened was that it simply prolonged the inevitable demise of us... .  it gave me a little breathing space (boundaries)... .  and as I started to validate her better... .  it brought us closer together... .  and she acted out even more to compensate for that intimacy... .  

Just because you have knowledge now... .  (or during the relationship)... .  that doesn't equate to someone else deciding to pursue and commit to long term therapy... .  

[VeryFree]

I have had that thought.

Things would have been different I think, but I don't know if things would have been better in the r/s.

Bottomline is that you would have been living with a mentally ill person and you would have to behave in certain ways to get the r/s rolling. Our BPDso wouldn't change. We had to. Would that have made us happy? Living on the edge for many many years to come?

I guess it all depends on the situation and the way our SO would have grown. In my case I don't think it would have worked. Things would have been different, but the r/s wouldn't have worked. I probably would have protected myself much better than I have now. Probably my life would have been more certain right now.

Modified:

I realise now, that I have tried to be more understanding about her situation during our marriage. Even without knowing about BPd I have validated her and hold my boundaries. It even seems that that behaviour made her more extreme in her doing. I looked like me trying to make the best of our r/s made her far more angry. It looked like she just wanted to fight. And when I didn't respond, she would try to trigger me. Finally by attacking me physsicaly.

[babyducks]

My Ex and I broke up three times.  By her count.   The second time we split at the first of this year I went on a hungry and relentless search to try and figure out what I was dealing with.  Among other things I came across this website and the  went on.

I went back into the relationship as educated as I could be and as seriously determined as I could be to make this work.   I read the books.   I went to therapy.   I tried to use the tools.   I validated.   I changed my expectations.   I changed my behaviors.   Like others have said I never worked so hard at a R/S in my whole life.

and for a while it was all right.   I could see she was startled by the changes.   For a while she was appreciative.  and then the unhappiness was back.   I wasn't doing this right.  and I wasn't doing that right.  I never really understood her.   Why wouldn't I work on fixing what was wrong in our relationship?

Why couldn't I negotiate and compromise?

I used my tools.  I didn't engage in the rage. I stayed calm.   I responded to the BPD first.  The tension and frustration continued to build.

And one day I had a bad day.  Simple as that.  I was tired of the endless dancing.  I was tired of giving this much space and time to the disorder.   We were having another round of why won't you give me what I need to be happy and feel better.   And in less time than it takes me to type it the frustration built and I reacted.   She said something hurtful and incredibly invalidating and I in my frustration and pain and anger headed for the door.   As I was walking towards the door I threw my right fist into the wall,  only vaguely aware of what I was doing I smashed a concrete wall.  And badly broke my right hand.

All the tools and knowledge in the world didn't help me.   I wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle this serious mental illness.   And I need my home to be my haven,  so that when I had a bad day I could relax and rest with the comfort of a loved one in a place that was peaceful.

I gave it my all.  I believe with perfect faith she gave it her all.  This illness defeated both of us.

babyducks

[KellyO]

No. I tried several times, and I changed a lot. It did not save anything. Today if we meet we can change few words, and there is no hate between us... .  that was the best outcome. I'm disappointed and sad, more than anything, but I hope there is something else for me. All this work could not be for nothing!

[slimmiller]

Hi all,I didn't learn of BPD until after we broke up, it was a light switch being flicked, she meets a lot of the criteria exactly!  I keep saying to myself and others If I knew then what I know now it could've worked. Have you felt that way? Has knowledge of your partners BPD in advance, helped you to cope?

Maybe, maybe not. My bet is 'not'. They are like the passeneger in a boat and to really get attention, they jump overboard because the thrill of being rescued is what makes them feel alive. No matter how comfortable their life is and if they have all the could ever want (in the idealization stage everything is perfect) they will jump overboard again and again because the rescuing is what makes them feel alive. Mine spent days telling everyone how great our relationship was. Looking at her past and the family shes from, she could not have been able to expect better then I (I am not trying to be conceited here)

They  will always be in search perpetually for something 'outside' of them to fill their emptiness. The emptiness can only be fullfilled BY them and no matter what they are given, its never enough.

My conclusion is, " you can not love that which does not love itself"  Sad but all too often they prove that to be true

[Scott72]

Thanks all for your feedback. I defiantly have the fixit knight in shining armour in me, and am wary, but wish I had at least the chance to try with my new found knowledge. Her stubbornness is probably saving me from a lot of pain in the long run, but it doesn't feel like that right now

[Iced]

I'm sorry, but that is idealistic thinking right there.

Realistically, unless the person you were with was 100% willing of her own accord to walk the road to recovery with you as her companion along the way, the problems you experienced are extremely likely to have continued.

It is the nature of BPD - if not the truth - and other disordered thought disorders based on attachment issues.

A person who isn't self aware and who is struggling with a disorder that takes over his or her emotions, thoughts, and rationale because of the sheer intensity of the fight or flight reactions towards each and every trigger ever tripped is extremely prone to continuing this pattern because confronting the issues - the triggers, the origins of the disorder, etc - is - in their mind - is way way worse than letting BPD take over.

Relationships are TWO people - not ONE - working together.

BPD isn't a scraped knee.  You can't fix it just because you can put an antibiotic ointment on and a bandage on the outside.

BPD lives inside a living and breathing person's mind and psyche.  It is more likely than not the byproduct of trauma and a gut fight or flight reaction that hasn't been tamed.  You can wipe away tears but you can't fix what's going on inside.  BPD isn't something you can chelate away or leech away.

BPD is something that realistically needs to be truthfully and openly confonted if true recovery is the goal... .  by the person who is suffering from the BPD who is also being guided by a mental health professional.

[whatathing]

Excellent thread, thank you all. It all sounds very familiar to me. I too have the feeling that whatever my preparation and knowledge, this BPD is almost like an intelligent entity, that had all figured out before our pwBPD even met us. Somehow, I feel that the script that develops in the r/s is somehow pre-arranged in their personality in some level not concsciously accessed by them, but that they "know" about in some level and already expect it to be as it comes to be. I feel that the different stages that my r/s went through were unconsciously being prepared by my uBPDexgf. I dont know how to explain, its just a feeling, there are details that dont seem like a coincidence.

[BlushAndBashful]

Although my ex was diagnosed with BPD a few months before the final breakup, I didn't start reading all about it until afterwards. I, too, thought I had found the magic bullet and had a kazillion lightbulb moments. I was positive that when he came around, like he had the 20 other times before, I could FINALLY break down the barriers and we would live happily ever after.

Except, he didn't come back. In the last two years, we've talked maybe three times. I gushed about all the work I had done, and the research, and gave him huge amounts of empathy and positive strokes- he didn't bite.

And, I realize that it wouldn't change too much. In fact, with the reading I did, I realized just how profoundly horrible this disorder is. Since my ex is HF and turns everything inward, I realize that I had only experienced the tip of the iceberg, and his problems and issues ran much deeper.

I have read a lot of books on BPD, and I think they are great, but I just don't think they would have helped in my case. I don't think using SET would get him to stop having an affair. DEARMAN wouldn't keep him from continually dumping me. Reassurance that I won't abandon him won't stop smear campaigns.

Nothing changes if nothing changes- and while I could act or react differently, HE wouldn't change, which is the whole issue. That sounds like I'm saying I'm perfect, or it's all his fault, and I'm trying not to do that. I take ownership of my faults and issues and my 100% of the 50%. But dang it, he could goof up a r/s with a houseplant.

And it got to the point when I had to admit that I didn't want to continually have to carry the r/s. I didn't want to have to do that much work. I loved him like crazy, still care about him, but I am NOT going to come on these boards and have a 3 page discussion on using DEARMAN and compose multi-paragraph soliloquies to explain that I really empathize with him, and he needs to take out the garbage. I was not going to deal with the very real emotional incest with his children (Hey, Buddy, I'd really appreciate you treating ME like your wife for a change). I was not going to allow more compartmentalization and smear campaigns, and I was powerless to erase all the rumors he had spread throughout the years.

Not that I was given that choice. He left. It was a blessing, because I would not have walked away.

[babyducks]

But dang it, he could goof up a r/s with a houseplant.

And it got to the point when I had to admit that I didn't want to continually have to carry the r/s. I didn't want to have to do that much work. I loved him like crazy, still care about him, but I am NOT going to come on these boards and have a 3 page discussion on using DEARMAN and compose multi-paragraph soliloquies to explain that I really empathize with him, and he needs to take out the garbage.

Exactly so.  That's what got me in the end,  that I could never take a break from working my tuchis off trying to communicate.   Everything and I mean everything require a huge level of effort.

[PaintedBird]

I've been wondering the same thing. After reading these posts, I don't wonder anymore. I feel like I got off really easy, all things considered.

[bruceli]

Hi all,I didn't learn of BPD until after we broke up, it was a light switch being flicked, she meets a lot of the criteria exactly!  I keep saying to myself and others If I knew then what I know now it could've worked. Have you felt that way? Has knowledge of your partners BPD in advance, helped you to cope?

BY FAR... .  Having the tools before undertaking a job is normally easier then getting them along the way.  Saves alot of time.

[recoil]

Last year I went back into the relationship armed with the knowledge and tools.  Using things like SET and not aggressively defending myself all the time improved my interactions with her but didn't "solve the problem" of the disorder.

I started feeling like I was losing a part of myself because I had to watch how I phrased things.  I missed talking normally.  I didn't like walking on eggshells. 

Let me be honest though.  If sex was once/twice a week, I would have continued to put forth the effort.  Kissing and hand holding were becoming infrequent and sex started averaging once a month.  Our conversations were becoming mechanical.  It was time to move on.

[Gift to myself]

"Forewarned is forearmed."

Hi Scott72, I'm new here.  Unfortunately, after 35 yrs with uBPDh I am just now learning about this... .  

[Scott72]

Recoil, thanks, sounds familiar! Gift to myself- 35 years! Well done! I hope any new found knowledge helps

[blurry]

I'm beginning to think the only way it would be possible to deal with my pwBPD would be if you behaved naturally in a way that the techniques describe, really beginning to doubt I could ever stick to the program, based on my nature. Starting to just get tired of trying, guess once defeat is staring you in the face, that might be when the end of the r/s begins in my mind, I'm getting there, the lies and deception and not knowing what's next or what to believe, and lack of trust... . not to mention the heart palpitations for two months straight now, its all getting old.

[momtara]

YES YES YES - and I was so frustrated that our two marriage counselors never mentioned BPD to me, even though it should have been obvious to them what was going on, especially the times when my husband actually admitted to a lot of the symptoms.  All they did was give suggestions for walking on eggshells (like, if your husband is angry when he gets home, go in another room for the first half hour he's home)... . stupid stuff like that.  Why didn't they tell me?  I only found out after things came to a head.

I don't know, though, if it would have helped.  Obviously hubby would never have admitted he had a problem.  He only admitted it when I filed divorce papers, and is getting the right counseling now.

But if I had understood a little better, maybe I could have reassured him I wasn't going to abandon him, since abandonment fears drive a lot of this.  Maybe it could have helped.  Or maybe not.  It might have at least given me the answers for why he acts like 2 diff people.  I might have found this board, which kept me sane.

I might not have had my kids... . so I guess that's something to think about too.

It's really hard to know what could have been.  I guess I do wish I'd known, but in the end, it probably would not have made a huge diff.

[momtara]

I also have found that BPD applies to a few other people I have crossed paths with over the years, and I didn't know what it was.  I think it's an untold epidemic.  I see women posting on message boards about their hubbies and their cyclical rages, and these women don't even know about BPD.  They say "it's only verbal abuse, he wasn't like that before we got married/had children etc."  They post on babycenter and other places.  I tell them to look up BPD. 

I think there should be public service announcements.  Or at least magazine articles about this.

[momtara]

Babyducks, what you said is something I have thought for a while.  We are tapdancing when we use the "tools."  In some cases, with a spouse who is getting therapy, etc., it might help.  And sure, even if you just want to hang in there and see if things get better, it helps.  Sometimes you want to try everything you can.

But if you are the only one doing all this work, after a while it's just more walking on eggshells and it's too much to be expected of any one person.  You can't sit there all your life and let someone use you as a punching bag.  It's not fair emotionally.

[mcc503764]

I understand what you mean when you say that "if I only knew... . "  Of course I've felt this way, but I've come to the realization and the acceptance that at the end of the day... . it's NOT MY problem.

unfortunately, it sounds like you are still bargaining.  It's easy to fall into the mindset "if I only were to try harder."  Again, this is the nature of these people.  We try, they pull away... . we try harder thinking that if we can show our love / dedication that it will make some sort of difference.  It's a suffocating trap! Ultimately, they end up pulling so far away and we end up blaming ourselves.  We think that there is something wrong with us?  Our self esteem takes a major hit, and our personal lives take a dive... . and where are they?  Probably with their new "soulmate."  Playing the same games, repeating the same patterns... .

BUT we have the opportunity!  They are destined to the consequences of their own behavior.  We know that we did the best we could with what we had to work with!

I just simply got sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I will enjoy MYSELF.  I will make changes in MYSELF and ultimately be a better person from this sickening experience.

Remember, the best revenge is silence / NC.  If you want to truly hit them where it hurts, NC is the way to do it!  Since they fear abandoment, do exactly that... . abandon them.  They will repeat their same behaviors, we will learn to live, grow, and love OURSELVES again!  It is truly a freeing feeling once you reach this point!

MCC

[slimmiller]

YES YES YES - and I was so frustrated that our two marriage counselors never mentioned BPD to me, even though it should have been obvious to them what was going on, especially the times when my husband actually admitted to a lot of the symptoms.  All they did was give suggestions for walking on eggshells (like, if your husband is angry when he gets home, go in another room for the first half hour he's home)... . stupid stuff like that.  Why didn't they tell me?  I only found out after things came to a head.

This to me is so maddening. I totally understand that its a complex disorder but a counselor goes to school for how many years and the vast majority seem to be completely clueless to BPD. I dont expect a Skin Specialist to diagnose a heart condition but how can one be trained in the field of 'human disfunction' so to speak and yet know nothing about it?

I had to explain a few of the symptions of what I thought mine was going through to my T and she, bless her heart, just kinda stared at me. Then she said basically, call it that if you want but, yadda yadda... . I dont necessarily blame the counselors but its frustrating. Guess its probably no different then what depression was a few hundred years ago. It was more or less a stigmatized issue no one wanted to talk about.

Maybe in the end counselors dont want to deal with it because its something many suffereing with it have some choice in and they choose to NOT try and fix it