BP and family occasions

[hurtmomma]

My daughter has BP and we have been having a lot of problems with really disruptive behavior during family get-togethers.  Especially recent birthdays.  She pouts, gets mad that she is not the center of attention.  Complains that SHE did not have a "party" (when in fact some of us went to her house and had cake and shared presents with her[she is 25]). Now she has escalated the drama to the point she is just abusive to some family members.  One is about ready to just disavow her and that will cause a family split or just plain the rejection of the BP daughter.  My T says I should just give her tough love and say if she can't behave herself then she can 't come to the Family activities until she gets some DPT training (correct acronym?).  Just don't know what to do, but am so very tired of the drama.  My husband and I both have chronic ailments and this stress is making our own illness's worse.  So what to do. . .?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sk8mom]

It is tiring.  I would listen to your T.  She is gaining something from this bad behavior and it is getting you and the familys attention.  Rewarding good behavior and esp. verbally acknowledgement of her positive behavior or efforts will be a good idea.  Even if you let her know how good she looks or thank her for something that she normally does and recognize her efforts.

Keep up the positive reinforcement and do not reward the bad behavior. 

I am new at this and I hope this helps.  My T says baby steps even though we all want a quick fix. 

Hang in there.

[vivekananda]

hi hurtmomma  ,

It is so hurtful and such a sad situation for us. I expect you feel a bit confused as to what to do... .  

sk8mom has a point that we often reward the wrong behaviour because we are fearful of the blowout that will ensue. What is wanted is a circuit breaker of some sorts, perhaps.

The circuit breaker in this case is probably for you and your dh (dear husband) to read up on 'values based boundaries' and to begin to define what you need to do to protect yourselves from your dd's (dear daughter's) disregulated behaviour. Have you read the information on this? See link below:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

It also helps to understand why a pw BPD acts the way they do: what they are doing and what is going on in their mind might not correlate. It helps to learn as much as we can. This is the link to the board where there are all sorts of good resources:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=dfeeba0bb9be3fc9dd877e0501d26d4c&topic=114267.0

The sort of therapy your T referred to is DBT. An especially successful form of therapy for pwBPD, but I would be very careful before I said no more family activities until you start DBT. First, does your dd have access to DBT? DBT involves an individual therapist as well as skills training, both at least an hour each a week. Is this available to her? It would be unfair to say you can't be a part of the family unless you have therapy and then find out there is none available to her.

It is indeed baby steps that we take and this is a long journey we are on. There are no easy solutions. It has taken your dd years to get as bad as she is. She is not going to get better in a hurry. So, we need to learn what we can do to make things better.

Our first rule here is to take care of ourselves. While we do this we learn as much as we can about BPD. And we begin to practice the tools we need to use in our lives: values based boundaries and validation. Simply put, that's what to do.

Hurt momma, you are in a safe place and a place where we have people who understand what it means to be the parent of a child with BPD. This is a wonderful place for support and guidance. I am glad you have joined us.

Cheers,

Vivek      

[angeldust1]

Oh God... .  how I have been there. Family gatherings are the worst. 

My BPD always shows up late,  says he has to work,  (when I know he doesn't)  comes in with a chip on his shoulders,  just waiting for something he can pounce on.  He then gets mad and leaves or just ignores me like I have the plague.  ( like whatever happen is my fault)

I have learned when he comes in I just clam up because whatever I say or do,  I'm wrong.  It's a tough ride we have w/our BPD's,  but it's one we gotta take I guess.   Since the NC mode,  He's  has not been to anything.  It's been rather nice not to have to worry about what he will do,  but I feel such sadness as well as embarrassment about it.    Not so much because he isn't there,  but because he will never be there and be happy,  or just be there like it should be.   I think we grieve more for what we never had or never will have with our pwBPD.

angel  

[peaceandhope]

Angeldust,

I understand when you say :" whatever you say or do is wrong". Same with my dd. She is so hypercritical of everything I do. I have distanced myself from her and I don't have to WOES now at home. Its just brief superficial talk on phone.

My physical health has ruined because of the stress.

Peaceandhope