Now Who's The Crazy One?

[jalbright]

Ok so this past weekend I made it very clear to my GF with BPD that I’m at my breaking point.  As I mentioned in a previous post I had actually told her that it was enough and that she should move out, she began packing her stuff or I should say throwing her stuff in her bags as she was quite mad and upset. Then she just had a complete hysterical meltdown balling her eyes out and scolding me about how awful iw as for doing this and I seriously just could not handle it, she was seriously about to give me a panic attack so I told her to stop packing and we will see what we can do.  Of course in the past couple days she’s made quite the extra effort to be a bit more cheery and even has gone to the gym each day as she’s trying to follow her therapist orders.  She desperately wants us to work.

But now of course she’s had good and productive periods like this but then always goes back and forth so I’m certainly to faithful it will last.  Even more so while she’s making these efforts I just find I’m the one feeling down and blue and unenthusiastic towards her! Which obviously will not help her.  To me, no matter what she’s doing now, I’m at the point where I almost feel like it doesn’t even matter. This isn’t going away overnight if ever, and the thought of this lifelong commitment and battle gets me down!  I almost wish I would have either just walked out the house the other day before she had her meltdown so I would feel guilted into making her stay.  This is so hard and I’m beginning to feel like I’m becoming the unstable one.

[Rainyren]

I feel the same way. Same situation last week for me, was at my breaking point I broke down and kicked him out. then things calmed down and he is seriously trying. He did have a few tantrums but actually apologized later for it. He never did that before! But I find myself numb.  Its like I don't care anymore. Im mostly angry and resentful. Im trying to pick myself up and Im really doubting trying to work it out was the right decision.

[jalbright]

Rainyren you said "But I find myself numb.  Its like I don't care anymore. Im mostly angry and resentful. Im trying to pick myself up and Im really doubting trying to work it out was the right decision."  :'(

I feel the EXACT, I mean EXACT same way. I also feel awful b/c I see how much she wants this and is trying, I'm sure much like your BF, but I'm not even showing any praise and excitement towards her about it. I don't know I guess I'm just certainly not nieve enough anymore to belieive this mean everything will be just fine.  I think all the time what it would be like to just have my normal life or relationship back.

Love takes work no matter who it is but can a life long relationship of this much work truely and geniunie ever be completely fulfilling?

[Rainyren]

It sucks because he feels my distance and i know that is a trigger for him as well. I feel like a hypocrite .Its almost like im setting him up to fail.  but i cant help but keep waiting for the bomb to drop again. but i cant just pretend to be lovey dovey. Im not walking on eggshells anymore.  Damn if you do, damn if you don't. so might as well be damned being me if that makes sense at all... .  

aaa what a life. someone once told me, life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain! blah. I dont think i can 'dance' much longer.

[jalbright]

Well Rainyren I think we're new best friend . But really that is again the exact same way I feel!  I often feel hyprocritical as well when I know I'm not acting in a way that's best for her.  Easier said than done to act productively all the time when these issues really bring you down so much.  It's hard to act joyous when you're just not.  It's just the viscious circle of life we're in  

It's like a weight is hanging on you at all times, some times it's just heavier than other times.

[WalrusGumboot]

It's just the viscious circle of life we're in  

It's a vicious cycle that you have chosen to be in thus far, and it is something that you have the power to change.

[Rainyren]

[/quote]
It's a vicious cycle that you have chosen to be in thus far, and it is something that you have the power to change.[/quote]
Well said! And I think i'm just about ready to break the cycle that's why i feel so out of it.  Im at the G section of the FOG . Guilt . Fear is gone. Obligation is done. Guilt., Feeling bad that I am going to hurt him. He is trying im feeling guilt that Im not moved by his effort as i thought I was going to be.

Jalbright; hooray for this site huh? Feels good knowing we are not really insane. Or we are insane collectively. Which is also reassuring

[Bulgakov]

Wow, Rainyren and Jalbright, too many similarities in our significant others and the way we feel. I don't feel that I can be positive or receptive to her attempts at change. Too much resentment. In fights, they always have to have the last word, they kick you out and hit you and devalue you, then when you leave they make you feel like trash for doing so.

Being on this board has helped, but this board as well as my social interactions keep proving to me that so many people seem to have these traits. It makes me want to just leave and live in the wild. People are becoming complications in my life. Seeing so many of her friends agree with and support my uBPDgf through her total nonsense problems with everybody and everything makes me sick to my stomach. Either they don't know or they are insane themselves. I know for a fact that many of them have at least had a glimpse of her childish irrational tantrums where everyone gives in because who wants to deal with that? I swear if I end this relationship I will have to lock my things up and take a couple weeks off of work. She has threatened revenge many times and I don't know how I would respond to such pathetic behavior. It would be hard not to reveal her for what she is to all of her friends, and I don't want to regret doing something like that.

I guess, long story short, I'm in the same spot. I can't bring myself to accept her attempts at change and I'm just kind of done, but afraid of her at the same time. I'm just stuck.

[raindancer]

aaa what a life. someone once told me, life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain! blah. I dont think i can 'dance' much longer.

that's my quote at the bottom of my posts, Rainyren 

To me it means, he can storm all he wants, I'm going to dance in the rain and enjoy it with or without him... . life's too short for all the bs, so he can live in bs-land if he chooses but I'm enjoying what's here in this life, including the rain, while I have the chance.

Yes, I do love him and Yes, I'm still here (sometimes wondering why).

Change for me has been going from Staying to Undecided - deciding what my dealbreakers are in all of this and at what point I'm ready to walk away. I can relate to what is being said in this topic.

[Clearmind]

jalbright, its very important that if you want to make things better that you don’t throw her out then back track. This is providing her with mixed messages and is not helping. She now sees this as a threat and escalates her abandonment fears.

If you want her out, mean it – if you don’t then don’t threaten.

If you are at breaking point you may have got to the stage of negating your needs, wants. Are you ensuring you have a life independent of her?

“She desperately wants us to work” – OK that’s wonderful – do you? What are you willing to change to make it work? How do you feel you communicate with her? Handle the rages? Handle accusations and blame? Do you bait her rather than communicate openly when she is calm?

We are part of the solution!

Workshop - US: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

[Rainyren]

Well After we decided to try again, I was wrong. and I think im happy he is leaving.  I just will not accept being treated this way anymore. I understand I have faults and problems of my own, but that does not mean I do not deserve respect.

So he is leaving. I cant wait to be home alone with my son, so i can start healing and really seeing clearly again. Right now I am running like a chicken without its head. babysitters money work etc etc. Transition to a single mom is really hard!

But i do see that my resentment was and is still to strong for me to try to fix things.  Its over. Who are we kidding right? SO i am going to dance to another tune!  

[Jeansok]

I am to new to this. I like what you said Clearmind. My husband came to me this morning and about fell over when he said he was willing to see someone. I got so fed up this week yesterday I laid it all out on the line. He has not been officially diagnosed but I have no doubt he has BPD. At first I thought it was bipolar but its amazing how dead on these stories are to my lufe. If he's willing I want to try. This is all brand new to me. I did not know had symptoms of this until after we were married right after an 8 month seperation. We now have an aost one year old son. I have soany stories and have posted some.  So glad I found this site