How do you handle the double standard?

[toomanyeggshells]

My x-H friended me on Facebook.  No big deal to me.  He and I are on friendly terms and there' s no animosity between us.  UBPDbf went into a rage when he saw it and deleted it without saying anything to me.  I had seen the friend request earlier in the day but didn't do anything with it at that time.  When I went back to look (at a time of day when uBPDbf is usually on the computer), the friend request was gone. 

The flip side is that uBPDbf is friends with his first x-wife on FB.  I have no problem with it.  They have a grandchild in common and at times comment on the same things, even when it doesn't have to do with their grown children or grandchild. 

All I can do is shake my head at the double standard of it all.  Its okay for him because I don't have a problem with it, but its not okay for me because uBPDbf is obsessively jealous and insecure. 

How do you handle it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[iluminati]

Your boyfriend is getting in your personal files.  I would secure my computer, change my password and let him know in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated.  I had to do this for my wife, for my peace of mind.  Thankfully, it hasn't happened again.

[bruceli]

It is their way... .  CONTROL... .  for a life so out of control.  Again, they can do it to you, but don't you dare do it to them.

[toomanyeggshells]

Your boyfriend is getting in your personal files.  I would secure my computer, change my password and let him know in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated.  I had to do this for my wife, for my peace of mind.  Thankfully, it hasn't happened again.

I've thought about doing that alot of times.  He keeps saying that its out of "respect" for his feelings that I should "do what he wants".  I know its a control thing. I also know that if I change the password or stand my ground, its going to get ugly - screaming, throwing things, probably pushing me physically. 

Where is the line drawn between respecting his feelings and being told what to do?  This is what I've had a problem with since we've lived together (3-1/2 yrs) and all his demands.  I know if it gets physical, I leave. I've done that before.  When he rages after he doesn't get his way, the animosity between us grows and doesn't go away. 

Maybe most pwBPD learn after a while that they can't push their SO's around (literally and figuratively) but uBPDbf doesn't seem to get it after all these years.  There are plenty of things Ive stood up for, but his rages and behavior have not lessened.  if anything, its gotten worse. Any thoughts/suggestions?

[iluminati]

If respect for your feelings means being a pawn to him, well, there you have it.  The choice is clear.  Either you become his pawn and freely submit, or you defend your boundaries.  You can't half-step here.  Either be prepared to defend your right to be an independent human being or get yourself control by someone who is mentally ill.

[arabella]

Maybe most pwBPD learn after a while that they can't push their SO's around (literally and figuratively) but uBPDbf doesn't seem to get it after all these years.  There are plenty of things Ive stood up for, but his rages and behavior have not lessened.  if anything, its gotten worse. Any thoughts/suggestions?

"Plenty of things" is not "all things". This means that sometimes you stand up for yourself... .  and sometimes you don't. So you're falling into the trap of intermittent reinforcement. Sometimes you give in. Sometimes his raging works. So he continues to try it and, because you sometimes push back, he rages harder (like an extinction burst). I think the only solution is to always enforce your boundaries - i.e. always stand up for yourself. Basically, I think I'm reiterating what Illuminati has already said.

I've thought about doing that alot of times. He keeps saying that its out of "respect" for his feelings that I should "do what he wants". I know its a control thing. I also know that if I change the password or stand my ground, its going to get ugly - screaming, throwing things, probably pushing me physically. 

What he says is rather irrelevant since you know it's not actually true. It's not about respect, it's about control. His words are meaningless. The fact that you know changing your FB password will lead to violence and abuse is a huge - have you spoken with anyone regarding your situation? You need to take your life back and get this r/s into a healthier space... .  

[whereisthezen]

Toomanyeggshells,

As Arabella mentioned "changing your FB password will lead to violence and abuse is a huge  - have you spoken with anyone regarding your situation? You need to take your life back and get this r/s into a healthier space... .  "

Abuse is abuse, and physical abuse is not love and not normal.  Often the damage it can cause is far beyond any physical pain endured. 

I'm working on my boundaries and maybe this could help you transition into a healthier relationship if you are going to stay with your partner.  Even if that relationship isnt what you want in the end, forming healthy boundaries will help you feel protected, safe, respected and in control where no boundaries can feel like a victim or like your being punished by another.  Boundary setting to me will be lifelong, you may want to look at the -> tools on the site and imagine if you did have boundaries enforced in this relationship, what the scenerio would have been instead during the FB event.

Double standards are common with r/s with a BPD partner, boundaries can help set standards, you don't have to accept the double standards. 

Is your partner able to have a conversation about this type of concern you have, during a better time? If so, practice boundary setting and communication validation before having a conversation.

[iluminati]

I think the other people have got it right.  Just to clarify though, standing up for yourself doesn't always mean a physical confrontation or an argument.  Sometimes, it's making your desires clear and rolling out.  You don't have to argue all the time to make your point clear.  If anything, getting into shouting matches and arguments is often the actual point of all those arguments.  They don't care about the point being argued as much as the emotions that get ginned up out of you from pushing that point.  In a weird way, you arguing with them is their way of feeling loved for and cared by you.

Sick, ain't it?

My point is that defend yourself physical when prudent, but don't get into arguments over the same things over and over.  Just let it drop, and let him stew in his anger.  Besides, it's probably about something that happened in his childhood anyway, so why get involved?  LOL

[toomanyeggshells]

Is your partner able to have a conversation about this type of concern you have, during a better time? If so, practice boundary setting and communication validation before having a conversation.

The short answer is NO.  We're unable to have a conversation about anything in which I might have a differing opinion.  If we try to talk, it dissolves into him calling me names and screaming, and then I walk out of the room and nothing is accomplished.  He absolutely cannot see any other side to an issue other than his and to him, any compromise on my part is not a compromise at all unless its 100% (and that's not a compromise, that's doing it only his way 

I think the other people have got it right.  Just to clarify though, standing up for yourself doesn't always mean a physical confrontation or an argument.  Sometimes, it's making your desires clear and rolling out.  You don't have to argue all the time to make your point clear.  If anything, getting into shouting matches and arguments is often the actual point of all those arguments.  They don't care about the point being argued as much as the emotions that get ginned up out of you from pushing that point.  In a weird way, you arguing with them is their way of feeling loved for and cared by you.

Sick, ain't it?

My point is that defend yourself physical when prudent, but don't get into arguments over the same things over and over.  Just let it drop, and let him stew in his anger.  Besides, it's probably about something that happened in his childhood anyway, so why get involved?  LOL

You make such good points iluminati.  I don't engage in the same arguments any more because he is unable to see a different opinion on anything.  When he gets loud or violent, I leave the room or the house.  And you make a great point about the arguments.  To him, that's attention and he doesn't care how he gets it from me, he just wants it 100% of the time. 

I'm thinking of sending a friend request to my x-H since uBPDbf deleted the one x-H sent to me.  I know I'm opening a bad can of worms doing that, but it makes me sick to think that I'm letting uBPDbf make these decisions for me.

[daylily]

Very interesting, I was just pondering the issue of whether to "pick your battles" or set consistent boundaries when it comes to my five-year-old son!  Of course, given the emotional immaturity of pwBPD, it makes sense that the issue would be relevant to both!

With both my uBPDh and my son, my actions depend upon how reasonable the demand is and how important it is to me to either let it go or enforce a boundary.  I can understand your BF being upset at you being friends with your ex-H on Facebook.  That might upset someone with "normal" emotional responses.  (Set aside the double standard, because I don't think you can expect your BF to change his behavior based on your complaint that he invokes double standards.  Athough VERY frustrating, I think those are just part of life with a pwBPD.)  If my H was uncomfortable with me being "friends" with an ex on Facebook, I wouldn't be "friends" with the person.  Being "friends" with an ex is not as important to me as being respectful of my H's REASONABLE requests (note this is only true if the request is REASONABLE).  Getting into your Facebook account and deleting things is, like the others have said, about controlling you.  That is something that I personally would set a boundary about.  I would change my password and stand my ground, expecting an extinction burst. 

For me, I can only look at my own behavior and gauge its reasonableness.  I can't change my H's behavior, or make him understand that double standards are not okay.  I can only do what feels right to me and what respects me.  Your boundaries may be different than mine, of course, because what feels right to you might not be the same.

Standing your ground on everything with a pwBPD just for the purpose of consistency may be too harsh and may make your life a constant battle (just like it would with a five-year-old).  But maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about?  My son is acting out and testing boundaries a lot, making me question whether or not I'm picking my battles a little too much these days?

  Daylily

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks for your thoughts daylily    When my kids were young, I picked my battles with them.  It was much easier than picking my battles with my 54 y.o. uBPDbf.  At least my kids accepted when I said no or gave them my opinion.  UBPDbf goes into a rage whenever he doesn't get his way.  Very frustrating to say the least. 

About a year ago I let him bully me into not accepting a friend request from a guy I grew up with.  He accused me of having a sexual r/s with the guy when I was a teenager. Nothing could be further from the truth, but uBPDbf's jealousy and insecurity rule his life.  Unfortunately, in that instance, I let him rule my life and I should not have.  I feel like if I stood up for myself at that time, it might be different now but who knows.

[arabella]

I think there's maybe some confusion regarding boundaries and battles? Once you set a boundary, you need to consistently enforce it. This does not mean that every 'battle' is over a boundary issue though. So, if your boundary is "I will not be yelled at", then you need to walk away every time the person starts yelling at you. There is no picking and choosing when yelling is okay - it never is. If the other person is disagreeing with you in a calm and reasonable manner, then you don't need to walk away - there is no boundary being pushed. The key is to choose your boundaries wisely. You probably should not, for example, have a boundary that is "I will tolerate disagreement" - this is going to be impossible to enforce and every battle is going to then bump this boundary. 

Here's a good thread about boundaries, how they work, how to set them, and how to enforce them: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

[Chosen]

My 2 cents: I think the importance in your decision making lies not in how reasonabls the request is or whether it is double-standard (it will almost always be, and if you're thinking of that then it's about fairness which doesn't exist with pwBPDs).  Rather, it is how comfortable you are in granting him his request/ demand.  Because if you are not comfortable or willing, you will end up being resentful, which will lead to the issue being brought up again in future anyway.  Not exactly helpful advice, but remember you will need to be mindful of your own emotions too, not just his.

[toomanyeggshells]

Rather, it is how comfortable you are in granting him his request/ demand.  Because if you are not comfortable or willing, you will end up being resentful, which will lead to the issue being brought up again in future anyway. 

I definitely don't feel comfortable doing the things he insists on.  Its not his place to tell me what to do in situations that don't have anything to do with him, things that have no bearing whatsoever on our r/s.  Like I mentioned before, the friend request on FB from a guy I grew up with.  There was no reason whatsoever for me to disregard that, but I did and I am definitely resentful and disgusted with myself for not standing up for myself.

[Chosen]

toomanyeggshells: If you're not comfortable, then you should stand your ground next time.  It is very difficult (particularly because as a "non", we're kind of trained not to say no), and takes a lot of validation before you tell him you inist on doing it... .  I myself haven't been very successful in this area, as even with validation or what not, if h doesn't get his way it will mean I am selfish (even if I have offered something in between the two proposals and he had refused).  So it's all or nothing for him.

But I guess the main point is, if he's angry at this, but you do it anyway, then at least you stand your ground and you do something you want.  If you give in, there's no guarantee that he will be satisfied- I have tried so many times to bend backwards for h but in the end I will have tried so hard just to have him angry at me.  Not worth it. 

It's very hard to handle these and have the best possible outcome (which may still not be very good), but hang in there.   

[toomanyeggshells]

But I guess the main point is, if he's angry at this, but you do it anyway, then at least you stand your ground and you do something you want.  If you give in, there's no guarantee that he will be satisfied- I have tried so many times to bend backwards for h but in the end I will have tried so hard just to have him angry at me.  Not worth it. 

That's the way I feel at this point.  I stand my ground and then deal with the fallout.  I'm not going to let him push me to do things that I feel uncomfortable with.  Besides, no matter how much I do what he wants, its never enough for him anyway.  I've certainly learned in the last 3-1/2 years of living with him that I can't please him no matter what.

[bruceli]

toomanyeggshells: If you're not comfortable, then you should stand your ground next time.  It is very difficult (particularly because as a "non", we're kind of trained not to say no), and takes a lot of validation before you tell him you inist on doing it... .  I myself haven't been very successful in this area, as even with validation or what not, if h doesn't get his way it will mean I am selfish (even if I have offered something in between the two proposals and he had refused).  

Same here for BPDw... .  Selfish, controlling... .  And again, back to the something inbetween... .  I refer back to my recent post on BPD's and compromise... .  How does one compromise with a person who see's no grey, only black and white?