Should I be scared?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This might be a little long - but I would like some feedback - I'm not going to do everything that has happened since our split but only want to address issues with other woman.  Since the split my wife has accussed me of being with soo many different woman (yes I have woman who are friends but I'm not dating at this point).  The first time I went out with a group (4 of us men and woman) we went to the races - this one person who is in my support group and had her husband do the same thing to her (10 years older than me) was accussed by my wife as being my new girlfriend.  So I didn't do anything with people for another couple of months.  Went to the races again (8 people) - and then this other girl became my "girlfriend" - I started getting texts how no woman were allowed in the house (which none had been) - the funny part is this new person has a boyfriend.  So this last episode this person came to watch her niece play softball since she is on our team - my wife cornered me and chewed my ass out after the game how my girlfriends are not allowed around her and how this person made it evident she was my girlfriend.  The funny part is that I didn't talk to this person, didn't even know she was at the game.  We'll anyway things have gotten worse since then - this same person came to watch her niece again - and my wife was making comments about how she was going to end up in prison for killing someone (meaning my wife).  That night one of my friends with BPD came over and we were sitting on the deck (I talk to this person becuase she knows her issues and she has helped me to understand how her mind works/doesn't work.  Well anyway my wife stops by unannounced and I start getting these texts like oops ruined your date, now I've got damage controll for your daughter, etc.  I did text my daughter and explained that was one of the men/woman I talk to in my support group and that it is not a date or girlfriend but I need people to talk to.  So the next day my wife says another girlfriend stopped at her work and just kinda hung out in front of my wifes desk (never figured out who she was talking about ? - plus remember I don't have a girlfriend.  Then the next day she says the girl I was sitting on the deck with wrote her a letter - This person works for the YWCA and a mass mailing went out to the area asking for donations.  My stbex called this persons work to complain about their employees and how she had no right to send a letter (the funny thing is that person doesn't even know who my wife is).  She seems to be cracking and getting more parinoid - should I be affriad?  I keep all of the texts locked from my stbex on my phone - but is that enough or should I be scared and ask for more from my attorney?

[cal644]

This might be a little long - but I would like some feedback - I'm not going to do everything that has happened since our split but only want to address issues with other woman.  Since the split my wife has accussed me of being with soo many different woman (yes I have woman who are friends but I'm not dating at this point).  The first time I went out with a group (4 of us men and woman) we went to the races - this one person who is in my support group and had her husband do the same thing to her (10 years older than me) was accussed by my wife as being my new girlfriend.  So I didn't do anything with people for another couple of months.  Went to the races again (8 people) - and then this other girl became my "girlfriend" - I started getting texts how no woman were allowed in the house (which none had been) - the funny part is this new person has a boyfriend.  So this last episode this person came to watch her niece play softball since she is on our team - my wife cornered me and chewed my ass out after the game how my girlfriends are not allowed around her and how this person made it evident she was my girlfriend.  The funny part is that I didn't talk to this person, didn't even know she was at the game.  We'll anyway things have gotten worse since then - this same person came to watch her niece again - and my wife was making comments about how she was going to end up in prison for killing someone (meaning my wife).  That night one of my friends with BPD came over and we were sitting on the deck (I talk to this person becuase she knows her issues and she has helped me to understand how her mind works/doesn't work.  Well anyway my wife stops by unannounced and I start getting these texts like oops ruined your date, now I've got damage controll for your daughter, etc.  I did text my daughter and explained that was one of the men/woman I talk to in my support group and that it is not a date or girlfriend but I need people to talk to.  So the next day my wife says another girlfriend stopped at her work and just kinda hung out in front of my wifes desk (never figured out who she was talking about ? - plus remember I don't have a girlfriend.  Then the next day she says the girl I was sitting on the deck with wrote her a letter - This person works for the YWCA and a mass mailing went out to the area asking for donations.  My stbex called this persons work to complain about their employees and how she had no right to send a letter (the funny thing is that person doesn't even know who my wife is).  She seems to be cracking and getting more parinoid - should I be affriad?  I keep all of the texts locked from my stbex on my phone - but is that enough or should I be scared and ask for more from my attorney?

[ForeverDad]

Projection is common when dealing with BPD, it is after all a form of blame-shifting.  Hmm, so I wonder if she has a boyfriend or boyfriends?

Probably too she doesn't want D to have a 'replacement' mother?  How possessive is she of your daughter?  Besides a control/punish issue, could she feel threatened and thus feel she has to threaten you first?

It is generally a given that it is best not to start romantic relationships until the divorce is final.  (Hey, with high conflict pasts, we need time to recover too!)  Perhaps rather than running to do damage control with D every time "No, I'm not {whatever} like your mother claims" it might be better to build a positive framework?  A lot too depends upon your D's age, since your comments need to be age-appropriate.  (Yes, we do our best despite knowing the disordered parent is unlikely to do things in an age-appropriate way as we try to do... .  )

For example - and off the cuff - ":), You know your parents are in the process of a divorce.  It will take some time, hopefully not too long and hopefully the impact on you will be kept to a minimum.  StbEx has tried to claim that me talking to women I meet or know means they are girlfriends.  The truth is that since StbEx and I are living separate lives, she cannot control or restrict which men, women or groups of people I meet, speak with or associate with.  However, I do not have any GFs now and do not plan to have any until the divorce is final.  I want to be a good example for you.  But as I said, your parents are living separate lives now and neither of us should dictate or threaten the daily lives of the other."

Do keep your documentation safe.  Make copies if you can.  Inform your lawyer so the lawyer is aware of this in case there are ways to minimize her outbursts and overreactions.

Also be aware that some of the things she is claiming just never even happened.  She probably figures you can't disprove such claims so you'll be kept off-balance, distracted and intimidated by her wild stories and less willing to stand up for yourself?

[marbleloser]

I got the same cal.Funny thing is,she was the one on dating sites and going on dates,having guys over with the kids there,etc.,,It's projection!

That said,you are breaking no law by having friends and hanging out with them.You are allowed to have female friends as well.Don't respond to her.Let her think what she wants.This will keep her occupied while you're working on divorce issues.

She sounds exactly like my stbx.I used it to my advantage.

[slimmiller]

Its tough but the best thing to do is document and stay calm.

Iam in a similiar position except she is dating (openly whereas before it was on the 'sly' and no one was supposed to know). She has almost completely stopped even accusing me of dating /sleeping around etc because every time she tried I disarmed her by not responding one way or the other.

She is now so busy maintaining her wonderful new love life, travelling with him, concerts, weekends away etc that she barely even notices her own children. Maddening in a sense yes but on the other hand I maintain a stable steady home as much as possible and keep things different and yet the same. The children even the youngest d6 makes remarks on how mommy lies, she breaks promises and if she does attempt to do anything with them (usually she wants me to drop them at her sisters so she can spent time with them and then never even shows up to see them) it only disrupts what other things we had planned or could have been doing. Like going to the roller skate rink.

Point is, its projection and even though its been a Hell, having kept my sanity (so far, knock on wood) in the end it all comes out in the wash. They will be seen for what they are plain and simple. They count on being able to 'disregulate' us so to speak, getting us to loose our cool and do something that we will regret later. Then they have ammunition. I told a friend of mine that I will not resort to being a bad parent in order to make her feel better about being a bad parent. It seems to be her goal when she is in one of her two to three a week rages.

I think it sounds like you have a pretty good solid footing under yourself. If it seems crazy, remember its only crazy making. Congrats on getting out and establishing the 'new normal' and doing stuff with others. Took me a lot longer to get there.

Speaking of the races, I am taking all my kids for the first time this weekend and I hope and pray for a good experience for them. Making a memory daily and forgetting about the BPD stuff even if fleeting is priceless